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Edited on Fri Dec-24-04 03:44 AM by SOteric
"Nice guys are easy to find. They're the ones you're complaining to about how the guy you're screwing is such a prick."
This is a familiar expression frequently uttered with no small amount of bitterness.
As near as I can tell almost everyone, regardless of gender, has found themselves hunched over some wobbly sidewalk café table, drinking strong espresso and listening to a friend bemoan the fact that their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/ is about as sensitive as a lead wrench. This in itself isn’t all that bad. It’s when they commence to declare that all the “nice” guys/girls are nowhere to be found, that you glance around and realize that you’re doing your best imitation of chopped liver.
I think it may be safe to say that MOST of us consider ourselves to be “nice” categorically speaking. Unfortunately, what we think we are, isn’t always the way other people see us. I mean, when you think about it, when you’re asking a third person about someone else, what’s your first response when that third person hesitates and then says, “Well…he/she is nice.?” Far from being a resounding acclaim of sterling character, that double-edged compliment usually evokes images of anything from a Gomer Pyle look-a-like to someone who writes the days of the week on their underwear.*
Frankly, I never really claimed to be looking for a Nice Guy. I just want a guy who isn’t an ass and who doesn’t have to gain 50 IQ points just to be considered an idiot. I know that for some people that statement is somewhat confusing. If a guy isn’t nice, then isn’t he automatically an ass? Perhaps it will clear things up if I give my definition of a “nice guy:”**
A “nice guy” is the guy who calls you back after the first date………and every hour afterwards, on the hour for a number of variable reasons that range from the commonplace (“I just wanted to see how you were doing,”) to the more specific (“I can’t stop thinking about your smile,”), to the downright frightening (“I hope our kids don’t take after my great uncle Eustice.”) A “nice guy” is the guy who becomes immediately alarmed if you quit smiling for even a second, and god help you if you aren’t in a talkative mood. As soon as a “nice guy” detects any drop in the level of conversation, he will immediately launch his “Are-you-all-right?” counter-offensive, which consists of repeating the phrase “Are you all right?” every two minutes until you go stark raving mad and beat him to death with whatever you can find in your purse. Have you ever seen a man beaten to death with a box of Altoids? It’s not a pretty sight I can tell you.
A “nice guy,” more often than not, will fail to understand why he was not invited to your “girl’s night out.” He thinks that when you talk about having “time for yourself”, that you are speaking of the watch you’d like to buy. A “nice guy” will show up at your office with a romantic lunch packed and will become extremely put out when you explain to him that it’s the middle of January and not even the bears are picnicking in this weather. A “nice guy” refuses to take the hint when you say that you aren’t really interested in a relationship. If you tell him you’re not ready, he tells you that he’ll wait. You tell him that you are interested in women. He tells you that he’s persistent. You tell him that you are dating a biker named Chopper. He tells you that he has a moped. You tell him that you’d rather be dry shaven by a troop of drunk chipmunks than date him. He tells you that you’re not the first woman to tell him that. He wears a T-shirt with your face printed on it.
The problem with people being “nice” sometimes is that they don’t really think about what they’re doing. Hey, it’s great that you gave me this $600 dog, but I live in a one-bedroom apartment and I can’t afford to keep it. Hey, it’s great that you want to spend time with me but “women only” usually means that you can’t have a penis. Yes, I appreciate that you send me such beautiful flowers but I’m running out of vases and my house smells like a funeral home.
Face it, in this day and age, “nice” is a highly questionable adjective. Frankly, to me, someone with strength of character is perfectly capable of being a nice person without turning into an annoying whiney tumor that has somehow attached itself to your left buttock. Being nice doesn’t mean you have to be stupid, or weak, or a pushover. So the next time you’re wondering if you’re a “nice” person or not, check to see what picture is on the front of your shirt.
*Not that I have anything against Underwear Organization. Underwear Chaos is more fun, but organization is good too.
**This is a definition based on MY EXPERIENCE ONLY. The use of quotation marks around the word “nice” is to emphasize this.
GENERAL DISCLAIMER: This post is drawn from my experience and in no way represents the thoughts or beliefs of the creators of DU, my readers, my cat, my family or my college roommate. If you have been referred to as a “nice” person before, then please accept my apologies. I’m sure that my post in no way represents you.
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