How does a middle age man find a woman partner?

[RC]

All I can seem to find are women with more baggage than I. At least I acknowledged mine and have dealt with it. Are there any women that have?

[mhr]

1. Good Question RC - I've Been looking Since My Divorce - No Luck

eom

[Bombtrack]

2. date women with baggage they've got redeeming qualities in the mean time

and maybe you'll end up lucking out.

[FarLeftRage]

3. I don't know

I gave up a long time ago...

Good luck though.

[katinmn]

15. love the card! n/t

[demnan]

4. How about

looking for a middle-aged woman instead of a young girl? A lot of guys your age are too choosy about the looks of their women. You know I may be fat, but you're bald! :)

What do you mean by baggage? Children?

[mcscajun]

8. Hear! Hear!

Check any Personals site and you'll see the same thing over and over: not matter what the guy's age or what he looks like...he wants a woman who's no older than 30-35, height between 5' and 5' 8", 95-120 lbs. The adjectives 'fit', 'trim', 'attractive' and 'athletic' will be liberally sprinkled in to suit the fellow in question. Some of 'em even specify hair or eye color.

Middle-aged women, tall women, fat women -- don't stand a chance. And if you're all three, you may as well just pull the covers up over your head.

[RC]

22. Not me.

What counts very heavily with me is what is between the womans ears.
While yes, I prefer tall, but 5' 1" and 150 pounds has worked for a while till her unacknowledged baggage got in the way too much.

Most first marriages last approximately 20 years, till the last kid is out of the nest. Way to many think just by divorcing the bastard, they will be fine. Or if they wait 5 years then somehow they are emotionally healthy again. They don't realize they are walking disaster zones till they deal objectively with their emotional damage.

[SarahB]

59. Leaving a bad marriage before the kids are out of the nest....

Can take one tough cookie. I am one of those. I feel like I just barely have the strength left to be a happy person without so much baggage I'm incapable of having a relationship down the road. I'm still in my early 30's, pretty, and energetic and for awhile, I let him take that from me (along with MY aspirations and dreams).

I don't want to wake up and I'm 45 or 50 years old having to start all over again. Fortunately, I picked a good father for my children (they don't need a substitute daddy thank you very much), but he was a lousy husband and I deserve better. I may very well end up alone for a long time, but alone is better than what I've been through. I just want to be treated like a woman, as an complete equal and a sexual being, not like some burdensome child who is not really loved but possessed.

My mom though is 55 and she has barely dated since her divorce from my dad 12 years ago. She tells me men her age want to date women my age. I'm not sure how true that is or if if may perhaps be her own "baggage" perhaps. :shrug:

[RC]

76. It is her baggage.

My lower age limit is about your Mom's age. There are plenty of men who won't date more than 10 years younger.
My absolute lower limit for any reason is 10 years. I seem to prefer 5 to 6 years younger. A year older worked for me for 5 years, till I decided not to deal with her unacknowledged baggage any longer. She had dated her previous boyfriend for 10 years. That should have told me something.

[RC]

23. My shoulder to cry on is

5'10" and 250 pounds. But she is too religious and Conservative. We are good friends, but that is all we will ever be.

[Orangepeel]

34. if you want to meet liberal people, go to liberal events

go to local Democratic party events, environmental events, etc. Women always outnumber men at these things. Make friends and then maybe this time it will turn into something else.

[GingerSnaps]

10. OMG I love you...thank you!

I met a Professor at College that thought that I was allot younger than I am. He said that by looking at my petite size and the length of my hair, etc that he thought that I was right out of High School. He freaked out when he found out that I was older then and not a kid.

Someone that doesn't want baggage might have baggage themselves. :hug:

[ThoughtCriminal]

61. That kitty reminds me

Of a famous logo:

http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Cats/Chessie.htm

Ok, back to the thread.

[GingerSnaps]

72. I love his cat pictures

Thanks!

I am still trying to figure out his politics. :shrug:

[RC]

21. My lower age limit is 54.

Those women in their 30's and early 40's seem like kids to me.

Baggage is the emotional destruction brought on by bad marriages/relationships.

I have stories to tell here.

[JVS]

78. "I have stories to tell here."

Come on already and tell the stories. My popcorn is ready and I want to hear about people's issues!

[WyLoochka]

5. Do you not find that North Dakota,

with it's small population, restricts your possibilities? Maybe migrating to warmer places in the winter would be helpful.

[RC]

24. There is the job thing

I have a good job here. Plus I like it here.

[GingerSnaps]

6. It's better to be single

You pay a price for getting rid of your freedom :hug:

I wouldn't suggest meeting them over the Internet. Join a group of singles that go out for dinner several times a month. :hug:

[ernstbass]

7. There are many fine middle aged women

with no baggage (or minimal baggage) and my hunchg is that there are many around here since I happen to be one of them!

[RC]

25. I agree, but

they stay with in their own group of friends and don't let it be known their status. I have know a few divorcees who wear their wedding rings to keep the predators at bay.

[PallasAthena]

62. Where have you been looking?

Clearly, the ones who are unattached but wearing wedding rings are not in the pool of potential partners.

If you are not looking where AVAILABLE women are (and available is psychological, too), you're going to strike out every time. Start with ones who are also looking and conduct the hunt from there. Be with people of similar interests to you, as many people have suggested. Some people are slow to warm up, so make sure to give them a chance.

(P.S. I'm 53 years old and a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience -- and married for 30 years)

[Blue Gardener]

9. Middle-aged women have the same problem

I don't seem to have trouble finding men that are either drunks, heavy smokers, republicans, neanderthals, controlling assholes, or a combination of any of the above.

[GingerSnaps]

14. You met him too?

Did he tell you that he was a democrat and it turned out that he was a freeper. Was he an ex con? :shrug:

[Blue Gardener]

17. Didn't hear about the ex-con part!

I'm in the Midwest, where progressive men seem to be few and far between.

[LincolnMcGrath]

33. Plenty of Progressives here in the midwest.

[Blue Gardener]

39. You're right, at least in parts of the Midwest

But it seems like the ones I know are married, or way too young for me.

[LincolnMcGrath]

40. Yah, lots of college aged men (and women) in your area!

Are you involved in your local county Democratic Party? BTW What age range would be right for you?

[RC]

51. I am 60

[LincolnMcGrath]

16. Well, this is a red state now. lol

Your area should have a large population of Kerry voters to pick from.

[Nay]

44. Don't forget to add "broke/"unemployed" and "lazy" to this list.

[Lorien]

54. Yep. I tried those online dating services, and got pretty

much what you've described. I've given up. I've always attracted the wrong type, and I'm not exactly the dog's dinner. I'm just always surprised at how some of the least attractive, most controlling and hostile women I've known have all managed to get married! If I could become intentionally horrid, then maybe I'd have a chance...

[Clark2008]

65. Heh!

See my post down-thread.

You and I have been meeting the same kind of men!

[Touchdown]

11. Porsche?

Just kidding.:evilgrin:

[RC]

30. Naaa..

Insurance rates would be too high. :P

[lakemonster11]

67. I think Porsches attract other men more than women.

My Dad just bought one. My mom, my brother's girlfriend, and I just sort of shrugged and enjoyed riding in it because he was having such a good time, but my dad and his male friends and my brother and all of his male friends have been in a constant state of joy for weeks now. Male friends my dad hasn't seen in years are calling him to see if they can check out his Porsche.

I'm glad he's happy, but I don't see the big deal. :shrug:

[whodiedandmadeUSgod]

12. I have a wonderful friend who is 45

single, pretty, creative and she hates Bush!
I'm setting her up with a business partner of my husband though. But if that doesn't work out.....who knows!

[supernova]

13. I would like to find a middle-aged man

who is intelligent, has patience, and "has his shit together."

I equally have run into guys who seem intent on acting out their dramas in my life. Ugh. No thanks.

[Hillaryin08]

41. That would be great

I want a dating relationship. He and I see each other when my kids are not with me. Great sex(I am not a prude)and some intelligent down time. I pay my own bills and support my own kids. I want an eff buddy with brains and who accepts that I am independent and my need for a man is sexual and for companionship and not to provide or take care of me. But most men think they are less of a man if they are with a woman who has her ducks in a row.

By the way, I fail at marriage because I negate the man's traditional role. Therefore it disintegrates. I just ended marriage two.

Body type isn't an issue. I have been with some major hotties and some middle aged beer guts. Sex isn't necessarily better because a man is hot in his blue jeans.

It's just the need to be close to another. The feel of flesh can't be replaced, no matter how real the latex feels.

[Droopy]

18. You could do like me and not worry about having a partner

I like being single. I don't know why people fret so much about not having a partner.

[RC]

31. Wait till you get older...

[Droopy]

38. Really, I doubt I'm going to change much

I felt that way when I was 18. I felt that way when I was 25. I'm 32 and I still feel that way.

I suppose it could be me that's just odd, but I don't have any desire to be in a relationship. I did when I was 16 because I wanted to know what sex was all about. When I was 17 a nice young woman helped me figure out that mystery. And while I still have an interest in sex, I'm not going to try and be in a relationship just to get it. That simply would not be an honest way to go about things.

If you knew me I think you would understand. I'm alone most of the time, but rarely get lonely.

[Thor_MN]

83. Give it a decade and the POV is different

Just turned 42, my cousin (I've changed her diapers) just had a baby in November, her mother died of cancer 10 days later. I'm going through some serious "WTH am I doing with my life?"

[Karenca]

55. Me too---I really enjoy being single

I was married, widowed at a young age, and since had 4 relationships, 2 in which we lived together.

I like living with just me better.

[MrScorpio]

19. I'm 43 and I know that if I was single again, I wouldn't have any problems

But then again.... I'm me.

Sorry can't help you there, Dude.

[the Princess]

57. Yes you are Scorpio King

The ONE and only! :)

And the rest of the men pale in comparison - well except hubby that is!

*Bows to the King*

[CO Liberal]

20. Sometimes, It's Best Not to Look At All

For example, I had just gotten out of a bad relationship in October of 1991 (and was not looking to start another one) when I went to a singles dance in Saddle Brook, NJ. It was there that I met The Princess, who was also not looking for a relationship. We started off as friends, and went from there. We had our first official "date" on New years Eve 1991, and got married in February of 1993.

(BTW, the picture in my avatar is me - it was taken at that singles dance in 1991. It was a Halloween dance, and I came as Robin Hood. I was walking across the room when I heard someone say "Hey, Robin!! Where are your merry men?" I turned and saw The Princess for the first time. And the rest is history....)

:-)

[Lydia Leftcoast]

26. I'm in a large city, and I find that the men who aren't

married, gay, planning to move across the country next week, or young enough to be my son, tend to be one or more of the following: badly groomed (I'm not talking about physical features--I'm talking about clean hair, dailiy bathing, clothes that are clean and well-matched), intellectually limited (they can talk about work and sports, and maybe cars and computers. Period.), emotionally limited (flat affect), right-wing, alcoholic, chronically ill-tempered, smokers (unfortunately, that's a deal breaker for me, since the smell of stale tobacco smoke literally turns my stomach), looking for some action on the side of their main relationship, humorless, or just plain weird.

A couple of weeks ago, somebody gave me a free ticket to a speed dating event for people over 50, and it was the same story. I wasn't interested in being matched with any of the ten men there.

I'll tell you where the intelligent single women are: arts events, book signings and readings, recreational and hobby groups, volunteer efforts for candidates or charities, and night classes. If they go out to bars, it's only in groups.

However, you might try going to a performing arts event and chatting up the women at the bar during intermission. I've seen gay men do that to one another. Why shouldn't it work for heterosexuals? I haven't been able to try it, since all the straight men seem to be there with their ladyfriends. It seems that straight single men are missing a great opportunity here.

Good luck.

[Patiod]

82. I was in a theater group for several years

where women outnumbered men 3:1. The number of marriages that took place was amazing - it was hard for a guy NOT to end up with someone in the group. The key is finding a group you enjoy, where you spend a lot of time with the members.

The men made out like bandits. My one friend got a lot of ribbing from his buddies, who claimed that the group was "gay". My friend replied: "okay, so you spend your evenings at a sports bar with 10 other guys. I spend my evenings outnumbered by women, and end up with some hot chick after most of the formals. So exactly who is 'gay'?" (hey - what can you expect - he was in his late 20's at the time) He ended up marrying the sister of one of the members.

Some very physically unattractive people found great partners, because when people spent a lot of time around them, they realized what great people they were inside.

In addition, a group that takes up a lot of your time also allows you plenty of time to find out who has "baggage" and who has their stuff together.

LL's list is right on the mark: arts events, book signings and readings, recreational and hobby groups, volunteer efforts for candidates or charities, and night classes. Women are also over-represented in community theater groups (you don't need to act - if you can paint or build things, they want you).

[liberalmom]

27. We all have baggage.

It's part of being human. The issue is deciding which baggage you can compromise on (or at least tolerate) and which you cannot.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

28. Welcome to DU, Liberalmom!

May you post until your fingers tangle!

[liberalmom]

29. Thanks.

:)

[RC]

35. And realizing that maybe some of your baggage

may need help of a professional to deal with.

[porkrind]

63. What a great post! Thanks.

Welcome ot DU! :)

[Catchawave]

32. Lower your expectations ?

That is, sometimes the best "mate" for someone, is that really good friend you've been ignoring because....?

Otherwise, bars are a most excellent place to find a soulmate <grin>, unless you're republican, then church?

[davsand]

36. As I age more men pay attention to me.

Maybe it is just a function of better self esteem, but I find that my relationships with all males are much better now that I'm in my forties. I also am married which removes me from the entire dating thing-and that reduces stress in relationships too.*

I think that maybe it really is all about us becoming more of who we are as we get older. I have always loved the company of men--I find you guys to just be a lot of fun to hang with and talk to. You are not talking about insipid subjects--you talk about things that I find interesting. Twenty years ago, I was not able to admit that. I still was of the opinion that gender played big role in the friends thing...

I'd seriously wonder if maybe it is a matter of just being some place where you will meet like minded people rather than simply meeting single middle aged women.


Laura


*I have debated with other male buddies before on this subject, and I get mixed feedback. I have not asked here at DU, but I will now:

IS there an element of the sexual in any man women relationship? Is it really possible to just be "friends" or is somebody actually thinking about taking it to a sexual level and just not admitting it?

[RC]

37. Men and women can just be friends.

It can work, but there has to be trust and communications, just as with any friendship.
It can even work after a relationship.

[tjdee]

45. Someone will fall in love eventually...or in like.

I think in any hetero-hetero male/female relationship one friend will develop a small crush. Or at the very least, wonder what it'd be like to kiss/be with that person.

Doesn't mean the person will admit it, or it'll last long.

[skygazer]

47. My very best friend in the world is a man

I love him with all my heart and he loves me but it is in no way sexual and never has been. We knew from the first time we met that we had a special connection and we are to each other the only person we can tell absolutely anything to. I met him 12 years ago - in that time, we have shared a lot of fun, a lot of anxiety and tragedy, we've traveled together - never during any of that was there a thought in either of our minds that it was in any way sexual - though everyone around us has always assumed it was.

He married 5 years ago and I was his best woman - it took his wife a little time to get used to our friendship but she is now a wonderful friend to me too - though not on the same level. When I met my husband, I told him flat out that he would have to understand this relationship and he does and has no jealousy of it.

Of course it can be on a non sexual level. For me, it's as natural as breathing.

[amazona]

42. yeah but they are not the perfect looking women

If you want a middle-aged woman who has the societally approved figure, then you are quite likely to have to deal with someone who has struggled with eating disorders or who smokes or who is pretty picky about what she eats. I don't smoke but I do go through weird phases with food and, well, I could be considered high maintenance. I know lots of great middle-aged women who are alone and seem to have no "baggage." But these low maintenance women are heavier than many men are willing to accept. Or gasp they have wrinkles. Or they don't have the best clothes. It just seems to me, if you run the numbers, there is no reason for a middle-aged man to be alone unless he has unrealistic standards because there are plenty of female fish in that pond.

For instance, one of my friends is over 300 pounds and bald and has a minimum wage job. He won't date anyone who doesn't look like a playboy model. Hence he is alone and will always be alone except for those rare occasions when he can steal money from a relative so he can buy the company of such a woman for the short time the money lasts. OK, you're not like that, but this is an extreme example of how some older men make themselves and those around them unhappy because they are just plain unrealistic.

Run the numbers. There are just plain more middle-aged and older women than there are middle-aged and older men. Accept that we are all imperfect, and you'll find someone quite easily, I should think. But it's a given that middle-aged women who invest great time and energy to maintain themselves are going to be high maintenance. If you want low maintenance, you need to be real about what a natural woman in her 40s and 50s really looks like.

Not saying this advice applies to you but it certainly applies to some lonely older men I know.

[Baclava]

43. Mail-order brides...

The world is full of women...

http://www.loveme.com/tour/

[baba]

48. This is an exploitative industry!

The mail order bride industry exploits women.

[Baclava]

79. Bah - women are the same everywhere

They just want a better life. It's up to the man to prove to them he can provide that.

[skygazer]

46. Everyone of a certain age has baggage

You may have acknowledged and dealt with your baggage but it is still a part of you. It has shaped you just as everyone's past shapes them. And though people can and do move beyond the chaos of their past, it doesn't mean that all that shit just magically disappears.

A lot of times, what people carry as baggage is distrust and pain caused by a failed relationship. The only real way to banish that is to discover that one can trust and rely on another without being hurt. Unfortunately for you, that means the women you meet may need to learn to trust you - they may not be in a position to openly invest themselves without stepping into it carefully.

If you cannot handle dating people who have more complex issues, that may well be a sign that you haven't dealt with YOUR baggage as completely as you believe you have. Because no one at the age you're talking about is going to be starting with a clean slate. That's not remotely reasonable to expect.

[bettyellen]

50. absolutely right- it's not remotely reasonable to expect no baggage......

only the most boring or lucky people have 0 baggage when they are young! At 50, forget it.
And a lot of us think we have no baggage but keep seeking out the same kind of partners again and again, there are certain personality types or emotional styles that we are attracted to.
I seem to attract a lot of posseive and jealous types. becasue i am pretty independent and can easily go for a day or two without seeing a partner and have men friends, etc. i seem to give them ample justification for being jealous. they are looking to be jealous and attracted becasue i can give thm that excuse. so i have learned to avoid. now, if i could stop being attracted to the aloof ones myself, i would get some where. but that's my baggage. hard to get rid of. but hey it works both ways!

[baba]

49. Have you tried volunteering?

Volunteering in your community is a great way to meet people.

[dorktv]

52. do not even talk to me about that. I am 25 want to get married

AND STILL SINGLE! but then the fact that I am ugly has something to do with it. :)

[neebob]

53. No

They've been too busy trying to snag a man to deal with their baggage.

[0007]

56. Don't sweat it! Just let it happen, when one looks for an ideal

your usually inviting trouble. Besides women will always get the man, man never gets the women. First rule in finding a mate.

[Parrcrow]

58. find the perfection in a woman

not the perfect woman.

[PDX Bara]

60. Or in a man

What wise and wonderful words you have spoken! All my life, most dogs have liked me, four-legged (only 1 or 2 in my 60 years has disliked me) or two legged. Nearly all dogs have some likable quality so I always look for that, be they four-legged or two-legged. In other words, most persons who are not psychopaths has his or her own "perfection" and/or other good qualities and it's up to you to recognize that in whatever way you can. Otherwise, you are wasting your time and the other person's.

[Clark2008]

64. I've been asking a similar question for about two years now

I'm female, divorced, a Mom, and in my 30s and all the men I know are either redneck, shiftless, married, gay or afraid of commitment.

If you guys find a silver bullet, let me know.

Of course, I could eliminate some of the above problems by moving, but then I wouldn't have the support of my family in helping with my son.

[housewolf]

66. Dem singles

Well, you could try these

http://www.democraticsingles.net/home.php

http://www.democraticpeoplemeet.com/index.cfm?track=GG1171

Get very clear on what you want and what you don't want. Then review your criteria and evaluate whether it is possible for you to actually have that. Decide where you will compromise and where you won't. Work on your self-esteem. Tell everyone you meet that you are available and looking, very often people get together through a mutual friend. Be upfront and honest with the women that you date what it is you are looking for. Behonest.

There are plenty of smart women out there who have done a lot of work on themselves and are clear about who they are and what they want (I assume that's what you mean by saying that you "have dealt" with your baggage). Go to meet-ups. Go to classes. Cultivate women friends, just people that you like with whom you have things in common.

Good luck to you!

[RC]

68. I am quit clear about what I want.

Which sometimes is the problem. I have a tendency to short circuit the "dance" we all go through when we are getting to know someone of interest by asking questions important to me. I sometimes call the first meeting an interview, which it is. To off putting?

I've done everything you've suggested. My problem is I like to help. I am attracted to women who need help. Some big time. One of my Councilors told me I had a radar. I can walk into a room full of people and and immediately zero in on the one woman who needs help. He is correct.
At one time I was seriously thinking of becoming a councilor, but I was too lazy to learn how to spell all the big words used to keep the plebeians out of the profession.

Thanks for the links.

[housewolf]

71. Good!

It sounds as though you have done a lot of the ground work.

Gosh, I have dozens of questioins I'd like to ask you based on what you say... I'm just not quite sure which thread to follow.

Let me just try this: What's wrong with women who need help? Do you run away from them or do they run away from you?

And... Ln the deepest recesses of your mind, in the middle of the night when you are in the your depths of lonliness, do you believe that you deserve what it is that you want? (you don't have to answer here).


Beth

[cestpaspossible]

69. I've decided to concentrate on

being happy by myself. Some are destined for a solitary life, it seems.

[CO Liberal]

70. I Find My Woman Partner Delightful!

:-)

[Pepperbelly]

73. as a guy ... a question to my fellow guys ... a serious one.

I understand that you are looking for companionship, even marriage.

But please ... are you happy with your life here and now?

[RC]

74. No. I feel empty as if something is missing.

I have most everything else I want.

[Pepperbelly]

80. I understand ...

I went through a divorce in '93. For the first years, I desperately wanted to re-marry. Once, when conversing with a female friend, one I had known for 20+ years, she asked me, "If it turns out that you do not get re-married, will you still be okay? Can you still be happy?"

Which got me seriously considering what being happy was about, what the very definition of the word is operationally in life. I have not re-married. I am very happy. In fact, I now believe that it is very possible that getting remarried would complicate my life in such a way as to preclude happiness. Who knows?

Every now and then I feel a twinge but it seldom lasts long enough to do more than feel it in passing.

Think about it some. Take the time to do that. Look at what happiness looks like for you.

A lot of happiness is a matter of acceptence of what it is, an attention to the here-and-now through your sensory input, and appreciation of the simplest of life's experiences.

[Skittles]

75. I got no baggage, RC!

no ex-husbands and am still friends with all my ex-boyfriends! There are some of us around but I bet we are few and far between. I'm 47!!! :hi:

[RC]

77. Good for you. Some people can pull that off.

I try, and have succeeded sometimes. But usually not because they cannot see the advantage in remaining friends. I chalk it up to the unacknowledged baggage thing on their part.

[Pepperbelly]

81. you are an innocent child ...

I am 51 almost 52. Age before beauty, hon.

:evilgrin: