At the Woof's Request: Don't lie to your children

[SOteric]

At the age of 3 my mother told me that if I continued to bite my nails and swallow them they'd turn into a big ball in my tummy. When next we were at the grocery, I spotted a pregnant woman, made the connection, pointed a finger and shouted "I know what you've been doing!!!"

Mum's humiliation was complete.


And because I'm dubious that little gem deserves an entire post of it's own, don't lie to your siblings either:



The Fine Art of Torment


People who know me well have, from time to time asked about the persistent, recurring pranks I exchange with my brothers.

An old Italian proverb tells us that "Vengeance is a dish best served cold."


My two oldest brothers, Tony and Al were born in Parma, Italy and spoke Italian, then learnt English. Joey, Mike and I all spoke English primarily, but picked up Italian in the home. I was 7 years old at the time and hadn't a clue about the birds and the bees.


My father used to smoke a pipe. Mom would usually have his pipe & tobacco and a glass of red wine, some cheese and some fruit waiting for him at the end of his day. Almost as a tender ritual between them, my father would greet these assembled nurtures by loudly announcing: "You see why I marry this woman! So good to me!"

Sometimes Mom would cut the fruit, gather the cheese and pour the wine and she'd let me put out the pipe. To which Papa would add an announcement, "'Bina, you make some lucky man a fine wife one day if you take some time from all your babies and make him a good pipe." Then he'd show me how to pack it and I'd poke my tiny finger into the top firmly and proudly.


One day at Sunday School, Lorenzo Alvraci, also 7, wondered out loud 'why Joseph wanted to marry the Virgin Mary, 'cause after all she was going to be busy being the mother of God and having people pray to her all the time.' In the flawless Italian precisely coached by my brother Al, I responded "Forse lei gli ha fatto una bella pipa." Literally, "Maybe she gave him a lovely pipe."


That would be literal, though. If you said that to an Italian in just that way, an Italian such as for instance, Sister Sophia the Sunday School teacher, the cultural meaning would be equivalent to: "Maybe she gave him a really great blow job."


The Roman Catholic penance for impuning the virtue of the Virgin Mary involves a shrieking nun, a bar of soap and an entire novena.


'Nuff said.

[GOPisEvil]

1. That story NEVER gets old.