calling all family advice givers

[steely]

I got a wierd situation, and I can't sleep, so if yer bored, and I'm still awake, I'd appreciate your thoughts.
Wife's P divorced ~20 yrs ago, her siblings took sides - one of the siblings had a baby, and he & his family moved away w/dad never to be heard from again.

Ten yrs later, wifey and I get a pleasant email from a girl identifying herself as our niece - we commence to corresspond tactfully and on rare occassions.

Later still, we meet her, at her request - a shy, beautiful young kid who seems interested in the family - from the stand point that she likes to see us (now avergaing once a year). The thing is - it boggles my mind. She never asks questions or starts a conversation - just sort of hangs w/us for a couple of hours.

Now I tend to over analyze - is she looking for answers? I guess she wasn't poisoned by her P's against us? Is someone pushing her? What was she told of the break up? Do we offer unsolicited (albeit unintentionally biased) info on the state of how things came to be? WTF?

I'm glad she's in touch w/ us, don't get me wrong, it's just that there s this elephant in the livingroom so to speak. We never knock her P's. All conversations revolve around school and other light topics, but it's like...we don't really know each other - is it me or what?

Thanks

[roguevalley]

1. shy little thing, this one. show her family pictures. Her questions will

come out then. I love that she needs and wants to be with you. Lucky, you. Hug her for me. (Make the gesture and she will respond.)

[steely]

2. Yeah, we tried that - thanks

It's just a frigging rip because we litterally only get to see her for a few hours a year - distance/school and all. If we tried to cram 20 years of catch-up into a visit, it'd blow her away (she'd see how pathetic we are).

Wife won't touch the subject - I say we should intravene.

I was thinking of writing her, but I'm afraid itd come off wrong, and I'd do more harm than good.

[Elise]

5. Advise against writing!

If anything in writing can be misinterpreted, it will (including this post: HA!).

She may be unaware of exactly what drives her, so my advice is to wait until her next visit. That would be the time to sit down, tell her how happy you are she likes to keep in touch and ask her if she has any questions about the past.

(Don't worry about appearing 'pathetic' ... I don't believe that is an issue.)

[steely]

7. Yeah, you're right...

Sit downs are nigh impossible - since there's usually 4 or 5 of us here for the visit at a time. The others cramp our (me and my wife's) style.

I think she looks up to my wife alot - but I don't think she knows how to handle it (either).

No writing - guess we wait - although at this rate, we could be talking about her wedding - ha.

Thanks Elise

[Elise]

8. Most welcome, HOWEVER:

since 'sit downs are nigh impossible' ... I would tweak my advice to giving her a call.

............... just a thought!

[steely]

3. Am re-reading your post.

Shy, and persistant! - I would have given up if it were me. WTF drives her? wife tells me her bro (the kids dad) prob doesn't show love.

we've no kids of our own, so I'm on untested ground.

[cornermouse]

4. Its like genealogy. Its curiosity.

She has a family that she doesn't know and she wants to find out. She wants to touch base with you and she wants to know you. Just be yourselves and give her answers when she asks.

[steely]

6. That's interesting that you'd say that.

I did post our tree on my website - she went fishing, and found us through it (my site with the tree). I'd since dismantled it when I realized "mother's maiden names" are keys to credit and identification that could be stolen.

Anyway, it clobbers me - she asks NO questions. I did ask her if she'd like a tree of her family when we saw her on Christmas - she said yes.

So we'll forward it and see what transpires.

I guess I am the type to understand sincerity in words - although the visits are wonderful. I think back to when I was her age and wonder about all of the questions I had, and if I would have asked them, but she may not be like me at all - or are all kids alike?

[Elise]

9. No, not all kids are alike, and

neither are all people, for that matter.

Forwarding the family tree is a great idea. Perhaps that will generate questions/dialogue and the furtherance of this relationship.

[steely]

10. This could be true....

it could act as a common ground since - when her dad took her family away - he took all of the family photos (the ones my wife would love to see).

We could see if she could fill in any of the blanks - as a form of engaging her into a dialogue.


I did see your post re: phone call - not sure we'd want to go there (scared), but there is a TON of merit in that (thinking about it as I write).

[Spinzonner]

11. Why not just ask the next time she's with you ?

If she resists or clams up, don't persue it but indicate you're open to any discussion she might wish to have in the future adn it's not a condition of continuing the relationship.

Maybe she just doesn't know how to broach the subject(s) or is as hesitant as you to be the first - not knowing what would happen.

[steely]

12. Might be too heavy of a trip to lay on her....

for the 2 hours we might see her on an annual visit.

Believe me, we've thought of it tho'.

I just wondered if we were just being selfish - to satisfy our curiosity - rather than hers. We broached it once before, offering to answer any questions she ever might have - she said okay, and that was that.

The last time we saw her was during the summer at my father in-law's funeral. We weren't going near the subject then. It was all I could do to get my wife to go to her own dad's viewing -

I think we play the waiting game - there's other family loyalties involved too - it's bizarre.

If this was on my side of the family, I like to think it would have been handled by now.

Thanks.

on edit - I didn't sleep - so may not be firing on all cylinders - but we love her and we're afraid of doing something that could harm what little we have. I'll prob' sleep now :))

[Z_I_Peevey]

13. Let me take a crack at this one.

I've been in a similar situation, with me in the niece role, sort of.

I reestablished contact with the long-lost side of the family as a young adult, because in my fledgling maturity I knew there was 'something' wrong with the information I had been given growing up. I just wanted to say hello to my relatives and be a part of their lives.

It was uncomfortable, both for them and me, but we slogged along for a few years, all of it forced and somewhat strained. I sensed that, despite my wishes to the contrary, I was not a 'real' member of their family. No matter how much we all tried, I was still a stranger and I would never be loved as much as those who remained 'in the family.'

So eventually I just quit calling, visiting or writing. It still hurts, in a sense.

So by all means try to talk to her. No one ever engaged me, and I was too uncomfortable to bring up The Big Family Rift myself. If she doesn't want to talk, you'll know, but my guess is she probably does.