Our exchange student is leaving tomorrow. Early.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

For the third host family. Two months earlier than anticipated. There was nothing else I could have done or my parents could have done to make it work. Sometimes there are people who are so totally self-absorbed that they cannot see what others around them are trying to do to make things better. That is what happened with our girl. Since the beginning of her stay here, she has not wanted to be with our family, for no other reason than we are not the high-end "nouveau riche" so to speak. Even though we have provided her EVERYTHING and more, including her own room and own COMPUTER, along with support and transportation, and even some hugs and TLC... she has not been at all receptive to our warmth. She is leaving for the third host family, a highly wealthy and fairly conservative family with two daughters who love to go shopping. They have a ridiculously large house with a pool, hot tub, and a big game room. This is obviously what she needs to feel happy.

When I accepted the offer to have an exchange sister in April, I did not imagine anything like this at all. From the time she has been in the US she has insulted everything about it. Instead of teaching us more about herself, she has made us feel worthless. I worked tirelessly throughout September to make sure her room was painted, cleaned, and our spare computer working and virus free. I made sure we had her favourite foods in the house and her favourite music playing in the stereo. For Christmas, I made her presents by hand and from the heart. I asked my German DU friends to help me with sending care packages from her own country. My brother and I even went out of our way to bring her to a party an hour and a half away from our house, because she'd been missing drinking and partying. We could have gotten in HUGE trouble for that, so we made sure the party was far from the reaches of Rotary International! There was nothing more that could be done. Sometimes you have to realize that in life there are people who remain ungrateful no matter what is given to them.

Pretty much the feeling I have now is of worthlessness and embarassment. Worthless because I feel like nothing has changed. Embarrassed because I feel that her decision to leave reflects negatively on my family and I as people. I feel as though I gave so much and got so little out of the experience. If I were to try this experience again, I'd be very wary, probably only take in somebody I could talk to in their native language (Spanish or Italian, maybe even French) and English to make the transition easier, and most definitely would not choose to live with a girl. Girls are obviously not easier to deal with than boys. Having a brother was easy. Having a girl in the house was not at all easy.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the countless DUers like flamingyouth and karenina who went out of their way to make packages or send cards to help her feel more at ease with being in the US. Thank you so so so much, you did all you could to help me out and I appreciate it so much.

<3 Maggie

[HEyHEY]

1. Never - mind I missed the german part

I thnk she maybe needed a man friend

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

13. I wish she was a Canadian

Then there wouldn't be all these problems! ;)

[Florida_Geek]

2. sounds like a 16 yo Brat

to me.

[flamingyouth]

3. I'm really sorry to hear this, Maggie

I know how upset you and your family were when her Christmas packages were wrecked and it sounds like you more than bent over backwards for her. Anyway, you guys did nothing wrong. She was lucky to have such a nice family to take care of her here. Maybe she'll have more material things at her new house, but I doubt she'll be happier.

Happy New Year, sweetie. :loveya:

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

8. Thanks for everything!

Happy New Year :hug:

[supernova]

4. Sorry to hear that, and it's not your fault

Sounds like you were a great exchange sister. Some people just choose to be difficult. The fact that she's on her way to a third family is very telling.

You did your best and that was the most important thing. You have absolutely nothing to feel worthless about. :hug:

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

9. Well

They are supposed to stay with each family for three months or something like that. She stayed the duration with the first family, midway august through november. But she's been here since a few days after turkey day. about a month. she's going to stay with the third family until June.

To which I say... GOOD LUCK.

[Fridays Child]

5. Write to her parents and tell them everything you've said here.

She needs to know the effect she's had on her host family, and her parents would, no doubt, be very angered by her insolent behavior.

[Midlodemocrat]

33. One would hope

...but not always the case unfortunately. We hosted a young French boy five years ago and he was a delight, but some of the classmates that came with him were not. The host families really, really suffered and when it was time for them to leave, not a word was said to the hosts about the kids' terrible behavior.

You, Maggie, have done nothing wrong and shouldn't be at all embarrassed. Your guest, on the other hand, sounds like a spoiled brat who needs a wake up call, but as long as people are willing to coddle her, I don't think she will get it.

Happy New Year to you and your family and thank you for being so kind to a stranger.

[Fridays Child]

6. dupe- delete

[Demeter]

7. Been There, Done That

Mine was a Swedish girl, prime candidate for a knife in the back. And now, my 17 year old daughter is doing the same thing, while ostensibly living at home. It is the times, they are a changing for sure.

[hickman1937]

10. Sent a flaming letter off to the misguided

organisation that sent her to you. Tell them that you were not prepared for a Paris Hilton wannabe, and to, from now on, send their elitist party girls to the wealthy. I wonder how many good kids she beat out to get on the list. Make sure to ask them if she is indicative of how all German people conduct themselves.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

19. I probably could have guessed she wasn't really a hard worker.

They sent us her grades/transcript with a packet of information about her. Cs and Ds. Maybe a few Bs in minor classes. I just attributed it to being a different kind of schooling, maybe more difficult. But she has proven here that she doesn't do her work for school. She even told me she views it as a "year off". Absolutely no work ethic in school or in anything else, including working to find common ground. She has insulted everything from the classes I'm taking, to my favourite teacher. Blatant disregard for anybody else's feelings.

I do wish that we'd have gotten a more socially conscious teenager, but I'm sure a lot of those were rejected for financial reasons or something along those lines.

[tjdee]

11. Not a reflection on you at all. Sometimes things don't work out.

Your family is fantastic for even considering being put upon like this. You guys did what you could, and she just wasn't a good fit for you guys.

This girl reminds me of two girls I knew from Germany--they were 12 and 13 going on 22. I ended up liking them a great deal, but for the first month they were snotty and judgmental. They had a very difficult time making friends, as they seemed extremely superficial regarding shopping/money/etc. I know you've gone a lot longer than a month with this girl, but your family did everything you could and now she's someone else's headache.

And girls that age are HARD.

[Solly Mack]

12. Don't you dare allow that ingrate to cause you to feel worthless!

I mean it! Don't you do it!


She had the problem. She had the issues.

None of this is a reflection on you or your family...it's a reflection of her character.

She held expectations of America she probably got from movies and magazines. She chose not to learn from her visit.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

23. It's really saddening

I think you're right. Of all the things I've tried to include her in, the biggest regret I have is taking her to DC. I went for four days, and could have very well brought a friend to make it more enjoyable for me. Instead, I opted to take her (she was not staying with us at the time) so she could feel welcome. The trip went really good, but it was like pulling teeth to get her to talk about/be excited about anything but shopping in Georgetown. With a friend I could have enjoyed so much more things in DC. But I took her around the sights, which I have seen countless times, to make sure she saw all the monuments and that stuff. That was ok, until she went shopping. Then museums and monuments were just boring. :shrug:

[cally]

14. Wow...YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM

This girl is insane. I had a Russian exchange student for one school year. Every day, she expressed her gratitude. I met some of the other exchange students. One was malnourished and gained 20 plus pounds without appeaing fat. Another was sexually hit upon by the father in the host family. She was sent home in disgrace. I offered to intervene but she felt I would make it worst. You had a student who was a selfish brat. She didn't deserve you.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

21. thanks cally

:hug:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

15. This happens sometimes

When I lived in Oregon, I met a professor at another college who had taken in a Japanese exchange student.

This professor was a single mother with a sixteen-year-old daughter, and she thought it would be nice to for her daughter to have a temporary sister.

Well, what they got was the Japanese version of an airhead trendoid, who was openly disappointed that the host family didn't live in a big house with a swimming pool or own an SUV or a widescreen TV or spend every weekend at the mall. Nothing the professor and her daughter did was ever good enough. It didn't help that the daughter wasn't part of the high-status crowd at school. The Japanese girl acted as if she'd been exiled to live in a mud hut against her will--that's how they put it. She sulked and complained 24/7, even at school.

Finally, the girl contacted the agency that had arranged the exchange, and the agency transferred her to a host family with a big house, a swimming pool, a couple of SUVs, and a widescreen TV. Now the Japanese girl could hang out with the high-status kids at school and go to the mall every weekend. When the professor's daughter saw her at school, she seemed happy. This was what she had been looking for in coming to America: a rich host family.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

18. That's kind of my situation

She was hanging out with all these girls who have been terrible to me throughout grade school. She shopped every weekend with these girls. I had no chance.

[Kellanved]

16. don't feel bad

While I did not do, what I should have done (it is not really common, you know - but I really feel bad about it), I have to say one thing: conservative assholes are at least as common in German as they are in the US. The same thing goes for spoiled brats.

It is a sad fact for American host families, that RW families tend to send their kids stateside, while more liberals families are leaning to France. And while I have a certain understanding for her issues, I can not sympathize with her behaving the way she did- if there is one family to blame, it is her's.


Thank you for your trouble! :hug:

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

20. Thanks

She says she doesn't like Bush, but I think that's just her spewing out what she's heard without any real thought involved. After she said that, there was no politics discussed at all. We had to tell her (3 days after it happened) about the tsunami that happened, because her friend has relatives in Thailand and she didn't even know what was happening. I'm not asking everyone to watch the news every waking moment of their lives. But maybe a little more social understanding on her part would have helped us converse more effectively.

[LynzM]

17. Every culture and every country has people like that

The fact that you tried very hard to do what you could to make her comfortable, and she had unrealistic expectations, and was clearly ungrateful for the things you did, is a poor reflection on her, not on you. I'm sorry to hear that you had such a negative experience :( I've met several wonderful exchange students from Germany, and most of the people I've met while living there were kind and intelligent people. I hope that you won't rule it out on the basis of one bad experience. Better luck next time, and I hope she grows up and realizes that the world does not revolve around her eventually! :hug:

[bettyellen]

22. there were 15 or so exchange kids from france in my town this summer

and heard for some reason that the girls were really difficult. they attended school and shunned all the american classmates, even their hosts. weird, huh? my niece got a boy and it was awkward, but he turned out to be a lot less difficult than the girls from what we saw and heard.
also, the kid was supposed to be bilingual, but did not know a word of english!
don't feel worthless, that kid sounds like a monster, and you wrere dear to try and make it nice for her.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

24. Yeah

It's really weird. My friend had her first, and I heard she had a lot of problems adjusting too. We're very similar, that may be why. She also didn't have to deal with the exchange student everyday, because she switches between her mom's and her dad's houses each week. I hope she realizes that living with her friend (the third host sister) will probably be worse for her than if she's just going over to her house or something.

I hope she doesn't wear them out. Because after this, there are probably no host families that she can go to.

[bettyellen]

25. well she had better learn to get along with people. that's just rude.

when people go out of the way to be hosts, you are supposed to show appreciation for it. even i know that, and i was raised by wolves. sheeesh!

[Ellen Forradalom]

26. In defense of girls

My parents befriended an 18-year-old French exchange student in the mid-90s. My father became like a second dad to her. This girl was wonderful--intelligent, vivacious, friendly, openminded. My father went to visit her family a few years later. When he died, I called to tell her and she burst into tears, poor thing.

Before that, my parents had hosted a 15-year-old Spanish boy who, while not obnoxious, had had his personality surgically excised at a young age.

It's just the luck of the draw with these exchange students. What can you do? :shrug:

[Tsiyu]

27. Some people just suck

Your post is touching because I can feel your sense of being repaid poorly for your acts of extreme kindness.

PLEASE look at your family and see the wonderful people around you. No pool or shopping spree trumps a loving, caring, generous home.

She sounds like a shallow, selfish bore. Be glad you are rid of such a toxic, exhausting person.
Much better people will come into your life. Trust me. You deserve better.

:hug:

[Rabrrrrrr]

28. Not a reflection on you at all. Just a reflection of her vapid stupidity

and utter self-absorbed shitness.

i wouldn't feel embarrassed at all. I'd feel damn lucky finally to be rid of such a vacuous bitch.

[Baja Margie]

29. You are definitly NOT worthless

oh brother, heh, even though I'm a threadkiller, I'll stay with you, sounds really neato !

You know, I am going to get flamed by this, but swear to god, it sure doesn't seem like the Germans like us very much. We ran into some real snobs down in Mulege. I mean, more than just a few. They were rude to us and rude to the Mexicans. Then, there was my ex-renter. German girl. Hated Americans and America. So WTF was she doing here? Just my personal experiences, don't want to generalize....but...I sure haven't had any good luck with them.

[hellhathnofury]

30. From my limited expierence with German exchange students...

I found that to be true. I'm guessing it's a relatively small elite(spoiled) group that goes abroad though, just to be fair. I have a German step-mother and she does a mighty good Thanksgiving. ;-)

[RFKHumphreyObama]

31. I'm so very sorry that you've had to endure this Maggie

All cultures and races have their set of snobs and unpleasant people and it sounds like you've had to endure the worst of it. I find it truly disgusting that, after all that you and your family did for her, she still chose to behave in such an insolent and selfish manner to make you feel so unappreciated and miserable. She has done her fellow exchange students a real disservice by her petulant and rude behavior and I hope one day she will come to appreciate the consequences of behaving in the way she has

The only person her behavior reflects negatively on is HER and her FAMILY. The fact that your family did so much for her reflects very positively on the kindness and generosity of your family.

I hope you are not discouraged from taking in exchange students as a result. There are a few bad apples in every garden and you were unfortunate enough to experience one of them. The majority of exchange students I have met have been wonderful people who are genuinely interested in other cultures and families and who greatly appreciate all that is done for them on the part of their hosts

[CO Liberal]

32. Had a Similar Problem With a French Student Once

She was supposed to stay with us for a month during the summer. After a week and a half, we had her removed from our house because she was such an ungrateful snob who felt that nothing we had was good enough for her and that she shouldn't have to listed to my ex-wife and me.

The last straw came the day she snuck out of our house early in the morning, walked to the next town, and took a train into Manahttan. We were nervous wrecks until she came waltzing in that night around 9PM, acting as if she had done nothing wrong.

It was the last time we served as a host family.

[yardwork]

34. It sounds like you feel that your kindness was rejected

and you feel used. It sounds like the girl put down your family's values and made things uncomfortable for you.

You put a lot of time, effort, and thought into making things nice and welcoming for your guest, and she responded rudely.

It's too bad that she couldn't see the true value in your friendship and your family's kindness. Looking for material things isn't going to make her happy but she'll have to find that out for herself.

Meanwhile, you sound like a person I would like my kids to be friends with. You care about the same things my family cares about. You sound like a generous, thoughtful, and kind person.

[Cheswick2.0]

35. It sounds like you have a wonderful family

Even if there are political differences that really shouldn't matter. I know some wonderful loving conservative families too. Their kids would never have acted the way this girl did. She was just shallow and silly. She didn't deserve you all. I hoep she is happier where she is. But you need to stop feeling shamed. You couldn't have done more for her and offered her something much richer than expensive housing. She was just too dumb to know it.