You military guys might appreciate this story...

[TheMightyFavog]

Found on www.soupsandwich.net


A real soup sandwich
by Frank Rodgers

Take two pieces of bread. Any type of bread. Dump a ladle full of soup on it. Any type of soup. Then pick the soggy bitch up and try to eat it.

What happens? It falls apart.

Ever have a plan you thought would work, and all of a sudden the asshole falls out of it? Ever watch a show or see a group of people so dedicated to doing something, but they haven't thought it all through yet, and this seemingly coordinated group of people comes apart in such a comical way that all you can do is laugh?

That's often what it's like to serve in the military, and the term "soup sandwich" was created to describe it.

On TV, you see the plane fly overhead and a gazillion paratroopers jump out of the plane and float lazily down to earth. It's pretty cool to watch, and is an effective way to get from point A to point B.

What you DON'T see though, is what goes on inside the bird prior to the jump.

My friend and I decided to fuck with the JM (Jumpmaster) a bit. I took an MRE (Meal, Ready-to-eat, or Meal Rejected by Everone) and pulled out the main course...ahhh--Chicken a-la-King. I also had a barf bag handy. I crushed up the entree, hid it in my shirt, and waited for the flight to get airborne. During the pre-flight inspection, my JM hadn't seen the bag of goodies I stowed.

This was one of those BUMPY flights. I'm talking Vomet Comet from hell...that bird went uuuup and doooown...we were all a little green around the gills, I can see everyone is getting sicker and sicker, so it's time for Frank to act.

I took my barf bag out, and held it up to my face while making this noise that sounded like that kid Chunk in the Goonies, when he puked in the movie theater...

"Hoooooooaaahhhh..... Ahhhoooooooouuuughhhhhh.... BAaaarrrrrrgfffffffff"

The other jumpers see me but they bravely keep their dinner where it belongs. They figure I'm gonna puke, but if they can keep it in, they're safe. The JM gives me a nod like "You okay Ranger?" Sure Jumpmaster... A-okay...

I smell inside the barf bag and pull my head back, as if repulsed by the stench. I look around as if confused, and pull a spoon out of my pocket. I start examining the barf bag, and act like I'm contemplating what to do next.

I poise the spoon above my head, and like a dog that has come upon a fresh pile of shit, I dip my spoon in the barf bag and pull out a nice wad of crushed chicken a-la-king...and shove it in my mouth.

All around me, the look of utter disbelief descends on the faces of the other jumpers. Not one to be suppressed, I keep eating, and eating, and eating...making it as messy as I can. I have "barf" all over my mouth, my shirt, the floor. I am chewing with my mouth open so they can see it roll around.

The guy next to me is staring wide eyed, about to vomit. I decide to push him over the edge. I put a huge piece of "vomit" in my mouth and yell at him, "RANGER'S LEAD THE WAY," as I spew it all over his face.

He can't take it any more. He rears back and vomits all over the guy in front of him. The guy in front of him pukes on HIMSELF, and on down the line. I feel like that guy on "Stand By Me," Lard ass, who made the Barf-o-rama happen.

By this time, there are so many people puking that the JM doesn't notice the two minute warning. The floor is awash in vomit and the place stinks like a sack full of assholes. It gets so bad I'm nearly getting sick.

Finally, the JM gives the jump commands... "Stand UP... HOOK UP... SOUND OFF FOR EQUIPMENT CHECK... "

Now NORMALLY, the guys in the jump line would be tapping each other going "10 OKAY....9 OKAY...8 OKAY... all the way up to the front, where the last guy says "ALL OKAY JUMPMASTER!!!"

It didn't quite go that way.

"10...BARRRFFF...."
"9...BARRRRFFFFF...."
"8...BARRRFFFFF....."
"7...BARRRFFFFF..."
"6 OKAY ( I was number 6)..."
"5...BARRRFFFF..."
"4...BARRRFFFF..."

And so on, until #1 throws up ON the Jump Master. He's had it, so he forces us out the bird. Roaring, puke-filled plane to blissful serenity under a 'chute.

Unfortunately, everyone's testicles take a nasty shock from he opening of the canopy, and they keep puking. All of a sudden, I have barf on my canopy, and it's trickling and dripping on me. My plan backfires, and I start retching too...and then BAM, I'm puking all over the canopy below me.

On the ground, folks are trying to find the asshole who started it all, and being the good Ranger I am, I 'm trying to find the scumbag too. Needless to say, he wasn't found. The Crew Chief of the bird we jumped flat-out told us that we were NEVER to ride in his bird again.

Hey, if he can't take a joke, fuck him. Right?

[Taverner]

1. OMG that is too fucking funny

[BlueCollar]

2. until you have to wash down the damn plane...eom