Help - anyone have a good response to a freeper email re: Noah ?

[flygal]

Got this from freeper in-laws. They forward me emails from this woman who is such a devote "Christian" - in quotes b/c she had an extra-marital affair that destroyed two families. Anyway, I'm looking for a burning email to send back.

This was the mil who sent me O'liely's book and I emailed back to her the Smoking Gun page for his harrasment suit with a note "this is much better reading". Kept her quiet for a while but she's starting again.

In the year 2004, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard . but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

[north chariot]

1. Well, it is funny all right.

I can agree with some of the frustration this joke shows.

[WilmywoodNCparalegal]

7. Here's my version

One day God tells Noah he is going to do away with some people with a cataclismic flood, but he does not know who yet, and that Noah and his lifetime companion should build an ark, gather all the animals they can, and try to head to higher ground. God gives Noah only 3 days to get things going.

On the 3rd day, God is amazed that Noah is not finished with his work. When asked for a reason, Noah replies: "Well, I tried to find wood, but forests have been destroyed. I can't find some animal species because they're on the brink of extinction. And then some people say I should not build an ark because only married people can build arks and they won't let me and my companion get married. And then, this fellow, a guy named Jerry Falwell, won't let me build anything because he says God speaks through him only and God didn't tell him to build any arks."

God then says, "Thanks Noah! Now I know who I am going to do away with!"

[shoelace414]

2. God could just pop the ark into existence..

heh

[Goldom]

3. response

"You're right, the government is destroying the world. Guess who's running it?"

[flygal]

5. LOL - thanks!!

[lavenderdiva]

11. Oh! I LIKE this response...

Good one!

[sniffa]

4. my response

haha, you're gonna die!

[da_chimperor]

6. Send them this e-mail to Bu$h, it should do the trick

Dear President Bush:



Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and I too now support a Constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it is an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of

God's Laws and how we Americans are supposed to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

Why can't I own Canadians? And why can't Canadians or Mexicans own us?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Leviticus 15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense at the question.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Leviticus 1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it (and would I have to kill the police officer for working on Sunday as well?)?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Leviticus 11:10 - it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot, and enjoys listening to Howard Stern on the radio. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Leviticus 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Leviticus 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

[TNDemo]

8. If she wants smaller government she better help get a Democrat

back in office because government under Gee Dubya has mushroomed like a cloud.

[skygazer]

9. Why send anything back?

My father sends me this crap periodically - all the stupid right wing emails that get forwarded back and forth and they all pat themselves on the back thinking they've made some kind of point. There's no point to any of them because all they do is take a bunch of disconnected issues and put them together to sound as if they're similar (like the one that compares the number of combat deaths in Iraq to the number of murders in Detroit - as if either thing is acceptable).

My response was to simply delete them and ignore them but I finally sent him an email telling him that I would be delighted to discuss politics with him but not by using someone else's lame analogies - if he wants to talk about HIS opinions in HIS own words, I will be glad to respond in kind.

That's all any of these emails deserve - it's a waste of time to try to explain why they are nonsensical. It puts you in the position of having to research something the orignator is too lazy to research on their own.

[StClone]

10. NOAH, Inc

All Noah had to do was form a corporation and lobby Bush (Pioneer) and he'd get his Ark. Bush is better than God.

[Tafiti]

12. Wow, this is just insanely dumb.

Gee, OK, point taken. Some lunatic can't build a giant ark that God told him to build because of government restrictions. How shitty!

Obviously, this is an anti-government joke, so I think the best response to this is the ol' "Day in the Life of Joe Republican."

...

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF JOE REPUBLICAN

Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow of water, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to ensure their safety and that they work as advertised.

All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical
plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance - now Joe gets it too.

He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe's bacon is safe
to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the
meat packing industry.

In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is
properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total
contents because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained.

Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for the laws to stop industries from polluting our air.

He walks to the subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public
transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a
contributor.

Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical
benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy
liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union.

If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll get a worker
compensation or unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn't
think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

Its noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some
bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some
godless liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime.

Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards.

He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because bankers
didn't want to make rural loans.

The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberal
stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural
electrification.

He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on
Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking,
cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe
wouldn't have to.

Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk
show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and
conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day. Joe agrees: "We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have."

[Patiod]

18. I'm copying that one,

I like it!

[johnnie]

13. What a load of rubbish

You know..if these "religious" people would live the way that most spiritual leaders tried to teach, then there wouldn't be a need for so many laws and rules. If you think about it, most laws, rules and regulations are set up to protect the good from the evil.
Considering the "moral majority" has picked our government for the last few years, they should be ashamed of themselves that Noah wouldn't be able to build another ark.
Sorry, this isn't a response to that email, just my thoughts on it.

[earthside]

14. New Ending

THE STORY THUS FAR

... To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."


NEW ENDING

God looked down at Noah and called out: "Fool!"

"Did I not send you my chosen one, George W. Bush? Why did you not follow my ways as shown you by Falwell and Robertson?"

Now, go Noah. Give a mighty contribution of many shekels to the Republican National Committee; become a Pioneer contributor and you will find miraculous access granted you to the halls of the White House and the Congress.

Once you have done this, submit your petition for exemption from all the rules and regulations in the name of the 'war on terror'. Then you must contract the building of the ark to Halliburton.

Lo and behold, Noah. Since it is not yet August, in the time it takes to roll out a new product, the ark will be finished.

But since my chosen one has kept himself in power by hook and by crook, I will only bring destruction upon the blue states and the rest of the heathen world.

So, Noah, I, the Lord, your God, permit you to have other priorities and not go yourself into the ark. Send the poor working class and immigrants to do the hard work and make the sacrifice.

And you, Noah, may go and live in the red states and live upon the fruit of the labor of others and deficit spend yourself into never ending power and affluence ... until the oil runs out. And then you will be cast down into the pit of global warming to suffer forever in the flames.

You may look up at the environmentalists and those who created a sustainable land and beg them to dip their finger in the water and cool your tongue. But it will be too late and you have to dwell in the hell of wastefulness and greed and guilt for the rest of eternity."

[MostlyLurks]

15. Self-Deleted, please ignore

Self-Deleted. Added nothing to the conversation.

[Brewman_Jax]

16. Since they're believing people...

Genesis 8:21--And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth ; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done.

God said that he'd never do it again, and God is going to break His word? I think not.

[johnnie]

17. But God is talking to georgie

He is destroying the earth by proxy.

[MostlyLurks]

19. Devolve into absurdity.

Things they can't answer in a platitude or canned response. Maybe even use their own prejudices against them. One thing to realize is that you CANNOT convince them otherwise, so the next best thing is to just point out how utterly dumb they are.

Somebody above has already mentioned that God, after the first Biblical flood, vowed never to do it again. So extend that to:

"I thought God vowed never to destroy people again. Does this mean God is a liar or that God changed his mind, which would make him a womanr? I'm confused and not entirely comfortable with either option."

There's also the postmodern deconstructivist approach:

"Your e-mail arrives in a timely manner! I have found myself wondering of late if the recent tsunami was a test run of some sort for God's retribution on man. I can't get over the fact that it happened in a largely Muslim country. What are the odds of that - of so many non-Christians dying? This planet is absolutely covered with Christians, and yet not one Christian nation was hit by the Lord's watery warning. It's like God picked up a spiritual seven-ten split in an attempt to shake us (i.e. Christians) out of our spiritual doldrums!

I too agree that "sprinkler systems" are completely unnecessary. I have a friend who was trapped in a pre-sprinkler building during a fire and he got burned over 40% percent of his body. 40%!? That's not even half! He still works! We need to convince the government God wouldn't let the ark burn in the first place, so anyplace that DOES burn is not under God's protection. Problematically, this casts our brave fire fighters in the role of working against God's will. But if that's the path down which the Scripture leads us...

"The "sea coming to the ark" thing is tricky because the scientists will certainly blame it on "global warming". I worry that any gradual flooding event could be misinterpreted. How could God bring the sea to the ark without validating science? That's the key - we cannot have science appear to be validated. I have this vague, shadowy idea that the sprinkler thing we've discussed above may be folded into this, somehow. God is forming an idea in my head, and I'll get back you once it is complete.

Maybe the easiest thing to do would be to pray that God helps Noah buy a house on the beach, at no more than 5.5% interest over 30 years. But keep in mind that Noah needs a decent house, and he'll probably want to have it inspected to make sure the electricity, plumbing, etc are up to code. That stuff is totally unnecessary for an ark, but Noah will be damned (not literally) if he'll live in a house with faulting wiring and bad plumbing. I mean, he's going to have to house those animals somewhere until the ark is finished, and you DO NOT want warthog shit backing up into the basement because of a sub-standard toilet installation, you know?

"I had no idea that the timber harvesting that endangers the spotted owl was being done under the purview of rapturous preparation. Frankly, I disagree with the Endangered Species list including amphibians or reptiles, as those are so often used as guises by the Trickster. But that's really beside the point here, as owls are not amphibians and your story does not state that ark-building activites are endangering toads, newts and their ilk. Maybe Noah could find a "God friendly" lumber company that harvests only in area with amphibians and/or reptiles that are not yet endangered (but we can hope!). I'm just spitballing here.

Earlier on, it states that God requisitioned "a few good humans". I think you could tie this to the monority hiring issue. You could find a couple of black guys who would be willing to work (HA, I kid!) on the ark and then they could be some of the "a few good humans" you take with you. Given that you're saving them from death, they'd probably work for no pay just so they could be on the ark when the fit hits the shan, you know? Not only does this get you around the minority hiring laws, you'll have minority labor available when you set about rebuilding things, so you'll still be able to obey the labor laws, even after the eradication of society. It's a win-win! I went on a cruise last year, and I can attest to the fact that Bahamians and Jamaicans work very hard, and are willing to sleep 6 to a berth if necessary just for tips! Imagine how grateful they'd be for a chance to ride out the destruction of man! It would be even better if you could use Mexicans for labor, as they will work much more cheaply (i.e. "under the table") but I don't think you could find a couple of good ones, let alone "a few" (i.e. 3).

Indeed, the Government has destroyed the world. They do so much "protecting", it's a wonder anybody can find ways to exploit anything any more. Luckily, we still have places like India and Ethiopia, where big government hasn't pushed people the point where they can't build arks. Frankly, I think God erred by not locating his ark-enterprise in one of those more "hands off" countries. Unfortunately, they're all lousy with non-believers. But then, the ways of God are vast and mysterious and often nonsensically circuitous!"

So that'd be my approach.

Mostly

On Edit: Corrected several typos.

[denverbill]

20. My response.

She wouldn't mind if a nut moved in to her neighbors house, built an enormous boat, bigger than every house in the neighborhood, and stocked it with millions of stinking, screeching, dangerous wild animals? I bet that two-timing whore would be the first person on the block to call the police if someone's dog so much as wandered onto her property, and here she is whining that someone can't build a floating zoo in suburbia cause of 'the gubmint is bad'.

I've got news for that whore. We are the gubmint. If you want to build a fucking zoo in suburbia, then start your own damned suburb and write your own covenants. You can called it Whoresville.