You have any advice I can give my friend?

[Bouncy Ball]

I have a very good guy friend from way back. We went to high school and college together, been friends for about 15 years now. He and my husband are friends, too. He's like part of our family.

Well, in 1999, he met this woman and started dating her. When he told me about her, he joked that she wasn't Miss Right, but more like Miss Right Now. Next thing I know, he's calling me to tell me they're getting married, that she's pregnant.

I was invited to the wedding shower, where she joked about accidentally-not accidentally forgetting her pill. Everyone knew Matt was the type who would marry a woman carrying his child. Everyone knew Matt would make a wonderful, devoted father. Apparently this girl knew he'd marry her, too. We were pretty disgusted with her. She laughed about tricking him.

His best man did have a heart to heart with him before the wedding, but Matt still insisted on marrying her. The bottom line was, she was carrying his child.

So they married. She had a little boy. Then another little boy.

She drank off and on throughout both pregnancies. The second boy has mild Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Matt did all he could to try to get her to stop.

She works as a commercial real estate developer, always made way more money than him. She wanted to keep working, so he gave up his job to be a stay at home dad, after a few daycare disasters. He stayed home with them for three years.

In that time, she got worse, drinking to the point of blacking out, then finally going on extended "business trips" (which turned out to be golfing trips) with her "business partner" (who turned out to be her boyfriend).

She told Matt she never wanted kids. Didn't want him anymore. Left him with the kids. He was mortified. Stopped sleeping. Got sick a lot. Was totally, completely depressed. We rallied around him, but it was still hard. He BLAMED HIMSELF for her behavior. He thought maybe if he were a better husband, she wouldn't have done those things. I'd ask him "what did you do to not be a good husband?" (I knew that was bullshit, he is one of the most devoted, loving people I know.) He never could answer. He kept blaming himself and it drove me crazy. It was HER behavior.

Well, he proceeded to start divorcing her, but she flipped out, started acting even crazier (meanwhile she has refused to see the kids--hasn't seen them in a year). So now he stopped divorce proceedings because he's afraid of her flipping out further, maybe trying to take the kids away from him, etc.

I want so much to help him. He does have an attorney, but he is refusing to move forward. Meanwhile, he's in total limbo. Doesn't sleep. Goes on days long crying jags where he just locks himself in the house, draws the blinds, won't answer the phone or the door or his email for days. I told him "this can't be good for the kids" and he wants the best for his kids. He is a fantastic father, even with all this going on. They are his #1 priority. So why can't he just move forward? I can see she's being emotionally manipulative and scaring him into not pressing for a divorce (she would be hurt financially by a divorce--she has always made three times more than him, he gave up his career to stay home with the kids, etc.).

I know it's not my life and you can't make anyone do anything. I just wish I could sprinkle some magic "make everything better" powder all over him. He's one of the most kind-hearted, generous, wonderful people I have ever known. And he's so broken-hearted. It kills me.

When we were in college, we'd go out to the park, lie on top of his old primer-blotched Cutlass, crank up Boston on his stereo, drink beer and talk philosophy for hours. We never dated, we were always more like brother and sister.

[NNadir]

1. Man, Matt needs some therapy.

He's a badly battered man.

[Bouncy Ball]

7. I've suggested counseling.

And suggested maybe meds wouldn't be such a bad idea, if his doctor though so. We're close enough for me to say things like that, and he agreed, but he seems to be stuck in this pattern of inaction. He agrees, then never does anything.

Thanks.

[Madrone]

2. www.deltabravo.net

seriously - you and/or he need to spend a LOT of time on that website. Post this exact story in one of their forums, you will get some incredibly good advice.

[Bouncy Ball]

5. Thank you, I'll go check it out.

[Bouncy Ball]

11. Ok I checked it out and emailed it to him.

It looks good.

[Robb]

3. 1) Do nothing.

2) Sit his ass down and tell him to get on with it.

These are sadly the two options. The first one is only easier in the short haul. He's going to snap out of it sooner or later, but sooner is better.

Best to you both, it's going to get worse before it gets better. :grouphug:

[tjdee]

4. He needs to make a plan-and you're right about the kids.

He is probably deeply afraid of what "Life without Her" would be like. What *will* the money division end up being? How will he do all the kid things alone? What if she really does go bonkers boingo? And it's hard to give up when you have spent so long with someone.


He needs to (and maybe you can help him?) come up with concrete plans of action. That may make him see that it won't be as bad as he is envisioning.

Also--a friend of mine in a similar situation told me she finally got it when she thought "Oranges don't grow on apple trees". His kids are picking up EVERY SINGLE THING that is happening in that house. They are seeing that if you're miserable, you sit there and take it, for one thing. 20 years from now when he sees his daughters/sons being taken advantage of, it will feel worse than how he's feeling now.

Good luck, and hugs to both of you... I expect to be dealing with this exact same situation in a few years with at least one of my male married friends. Sigh.

[Bouncy Ball]

6. Thanks, I will try talking to him again.

He is a child of divorce and he promised himself he would NEVER have his kids go through divorce and I think that is holding him back, too. He's had to hold them while they cried because they miss their mom and don't understand why she won't see them. It's just heart-breaking all around. Why did she have to be such a messed-up heartless BITCH? GRRRRRRR.

[tjdee]

15. I don't know why divorce is so painful...

that's silly, I mean I know why, but for so many it means "failure" when it can be "saving your life". People can live miserably for years, it's sad. Certainly Matt wants his children to live in peace. By the time my parents separated/got divorced, the feeling of relief was so strong we wanted to throw a party.

It's terribly difficult. It's good that you are there to help him.

[Bouncy Ball]

16. He told me one time shortly after he found out she was cheating on him

that you sit there and you build your every thought of the future around this person, and when something like this happens, it's not only that the relationship in the present is over, but all those ideas, dreams for the future are gone and dead, too. So you have to kind of mourn it all, in a way.

I thought that made a lot of sense. I've been married 13 years and I'd have to totally change how I thought about the future if anything happened to us.

So I guess it is more than just being happier, being free, I think it's the death of a dream, too.

:shrug: I've never been divorced, so I am just going off what he said.

[mike_c]

8. the dude needs help-- you know that already, but...

...this isn't the place to get it. Get his ass into Al-anon, for starters-- that'll likely only be the start, but who knows, some people hit pay dirt there. Most simply learn that they've been fucked over, but there is help available. Then he needs some serious one-on-one therapy. I've been through some of this-- different shit, of course-- but the same crap. He MUST see that there is a way out before he can begin trying to figure it out.

[Bouncy Ball]

13. Now why the hell didn't I think of al-anon?

I'm the child of an alcoholic, you'd think I would have thought of that, damn.

Ok, going to mention that to him this weekend when I see him. Thanks Mike.

[Rowdyboy]

9. Please, please make this man get help...he deserves so much more

than the shit he's getting.

I wish I had real answers for him but I don't. I have too many friends who are just as forgiving as he is....That may sound good but it isn't always...

[Bouncy Ball]

17. No, it's not always, which is sad.

If he found someone as nice as he is, they'd both be so happy.

:-(

[RevCheesehead]

20. I would bet there's already at least one or two waiting in the wings.

But it sounds like his super-responsibility is killing him. As tempting as it may be for him to find someone, he really needs to find himself first.

And when he does, please send him to Wisconsin! :)

[Bouncy Ball]

21. ok!

He's incredibly handsome and smart and funny (well, I haven't seen the funny side of him in a long time).

He does need to deal with all this first.

[steve2470]

10. I agree, counseling is needed, poor guy nt

[rwheeler31]

12. If this is a scipt ,it just does not make sense,

A commercial real estate developer? Come on.

[Bouncy Ball]

14. scipt?

What's a scipt?

[flamingyouth]

18. He's lucky to have a friend like you

I second the Al-Anon and counseling advice already given above. I hope all works out in the end for him. What a sad story. :hug:

[Bouncy Ball]

22. Thanks. I'm proud of all of us

because we've really gathered around him. At first it was so bad (when she first took off) we took turns going over to his house to check on him, bring food, take the kids off his hands for just a little while. He had isolated himself so much...

[khashka]

19. He needs some professional help

because it sounds like he's in a deep depression and feeling hopeless. Advise him to get some counseling, even offer to set it up and go with him if necessary. But most of all, stay his friend. (In the end that may be the only thing you can do.)

He's not responsible for her behaviour. But he is for his own. If he won't get help for himself, remind him that he needs to do it for his children. They need him, especially if their mother is still drinking heavily.

You can't fix his problem, as you know. But you can be there for him. One thing I've noticed is that if you advise counseling people think that you think there is something wrong with them. Most times counseling is for people living through a very difficult time in their lives that they have no experience of how to deal with. They feel helpless and responsible. Counseling can give them the skills they need to get through it and move on with their lives.

So try to get him to get some help. And stay his friend, right now he really needs you.

Khash.