Grief, trauma, sadness..makes us all do strange things.

[Mari333]

I have been reading quite a few posts lately on here, seems every other thread is about vetwife, or people sitting in judgement on her, or other people. I havent been posting on DU much, since my husband died, because my spiritual and mental health demanded I take some time off..grief takes a long time, a very long time. There is no instant gratification , as our society prefers, when it comes to deep grief. You have to work your way thru the pain, and it takes time.
Im not being an apologist. I am merely going to say what I think, and all of you can make of it what you will.
When people are mired in stress and grief, and life comes down from every angle to swamp you with problems, when the world turns upside down on you and you cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel, when grief and trauma invade your life, well, you dont always think straight, and you can do impulsive and strange things. Scientifically speaking, stressors can absolutely screw with your brain ..your neuro-transmitters go into overdrive, your cortisol levels peak, and you make rash and strange decisions, and do odd things. Hell..I just drove all the way actoss the country by myself and yelled at God the whole way.
Im not insane, it was just something I had to do. Im glad I did it, and got a lot of things off my chest as I drove, and prayed, and railed at God. (Just an aside note: there is nothing but hate radio all the way across the US..very depressing indeed)
Im not saying we shouldnt critique, Im only saying maybe we need to step back, on occasion, when it comes to other people's lives, and try and look at the bigger picture, and attempt empathy, compassion, and delve into the grey arenas that exist in making those judgements we often so harshly do about other people.
Who knows what any of us have been through or encountered in life. I know Ive said and done things in my life, during traumatic times, that I hope people dont judge me too harshly for now. I would hate to be judged by people on the basis of things I have said and done in my youth, for instance. One of the reasons I havent been posting much on DU is that I needed time alone, to gather my thoughts, to get thru this grief, and to avoid judgement. People are very vulnerable during grief, and need to protect themselves from harsh critique.
None of us know the personal trauma any of the rest of us are going through. We can only empathize, and attempt to not make snap, quick judgements about the behaviors of fellow posters without looking at the big picture.
I guess what Im trying to say is, try and see the big picture, without jumping into judgement so quickly on anyone.
Sure, the whole democratic community is in despair, and is angry.
We have to live thru 4 more years of Bush..we are all angry..but lets put our anger where it belongs..not attacking or jumping into judgement on each other, but into positive action . Anyone of us may have posted things on the net 4 years ago that could be called into question now by anyone who does a google search on our names..which one of us, when going thru very hard times, hasnt said or related to others comments that come from deep stress, or panic..
I try to see the bigger picture, to see that all of us, at one time or another, just have really hard times, and sometimes we say and do things during those times that are really just a need to reach out, to find some solace, to beg people for community. I try to read the feelings behind the words from people when I read their posts.
Sometimes I see anger, sometimes I see despair, sometimes I see hope, and sometimes, I just see someone who is overwhelmed and in deep grief and loneliness.
I will end by stating, lets maybe not judge so harshly, until we try and see the bigger picture of why any of us say and do what we do.
Namaste, God bless.
PS.. Michael is home from Iraq, and hes fine. He is just disgusted by people coming up to him and saying "Oh thanks for serving our country!" he said that makes him want to scream.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

1. You tell Michael...

It's good to have him home, safe amongst us. He did what he had to do. No shame in that.

Thank you for your well-earned insights.

[JitterbugPerfume]

4. Thank you for this post

Grief and heartache comes to us all
and we all handle it in our own way

I wish good things for you Mari

[Orangepeel]

2. kick

Thanks for posting, Mari. I'm glad your son is home safe.

:hug:

[Cooley Hurd]

3. Beautiful post, Mari.

:thumbsup:

And very glad to hear Michael is home, safe and sound!:thumbsup::thumbsup:

What troubles me greatly about vetwife is that she's participating on a conservative forum that was created SOLELY to disrupt DU. A forum, I might add, that targeted you about a year ago (please see my post: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=104&topic_id=3184152&mesg_id=3188167 ).

[hlthe2b]

5. Your post is thought provoking and much appreciated.

Thank you, Mari333


I don't want to diminish its power by focusing on your post script, but I suspect many will feel, like me, that this underscores the paradox. It seems thanking those who serve gets tedious (which I can understand), but against the backdrop of posts that maintain Dems don't appreciate, respect the troops.... Well, I think you know where I am going. Personally, I think fighting to expose the truth and motivations behind this administration's foreign policy and the reality of its "support" for active duty AND veteran military is the best way to show our true appreciation and respect. To do so, requires us to take the time to educate ourselves, read and research well beyond the headlnes, develop a pipeline of communication with our elected representatives, and to hit the streets in protest when necessary. This is very active support, that takes effort. By contrast, the tattered flags, bumper stickers, and platitudes of the RW do NOT. So how can so many be convinced that only the "right" supports the troops?

[madrchsod]

6. i am glad you are finding peace

we missed you and worried about you and with kef`s death, well we have taken a collective cyber blow. we understand what you have been and still are going thru which upset me personally and the collective du when someone attacks us for not supporting the troops. but enough of that distraction. i`m glad you are healing and i`m glad your son is back so you two can heal together. peace be with you both.

[Robb]

7. Nice to see you Mari333

...and happy to hear about Michael.

I agree with everything you've said. I would only add, as someone who has recently found himself embroiled in other people's issues, that after a certain point you can't take on other people's "stuff" anymore, it drags you down. I sort of think that's what happened here.

[scarletlib]

8. peace be with you Mari and Michael and to all you post here

There was a great line in "Diary of Mad Black Woman" that I want to share with you. One character pointed out that forgiveness is what is needed when someone hurts you badly. She said that if you hate them back that hate gives them power over you. Think about it. When you hate then the one you are hating has power over you.


Abraham Lincoln also said something to that effect.

Today in America I see so much hate--I don't understand and it makes me angry and then I want to hate back. But it's true about hate. It only gives others power over you.

That's the real trick in life. It is so easy to hate. So hard to forgive. So hard to live a life of peace.

The truly great philosophers are the ones who get it: Jesus, Ghandi, Buddha, etc.

Peace be with you and Michael

[Moderator]

9. Locking

These threads have gotten out of control. This is now a private matter between the admins and the banned member. If anyone has questions or comments, they can post in the Ask the Admins forum.

Thanks for your concern.