In a relationship, how important is...

[SarahB]

compatibility in the romantic department (if you know what I mean ;))?

[sniffa]

1. other: i'm a man and

i pLenty enjoy the company of myseLf. ;)

[SarahB]

4. I think most of us do.

:D

[GOPisEvil]

2. I think incompatibility will eventually cause problems.

So, I think it's important, but it's not MOST important.

[SarahB]

12. Yep, it does.

I kind of shut it all off for a long time, but it caught up with me eventually.

[Magrittes Pipe]

3. It's very important.

But it's far from being the only concern.

[SarahB]

6. Most definitely.

I guess I'm just doing a little figuring out/ re-evaluating stuff as I once again enter singlehood.

[Beware the Beast Man]

5. What, the motion of the ocean,

or the size of the wave? :shrug:

[redqueen]

8. hehehehehe

I'm not touchin that with a 10-foot pole.

:evilgrin:

[Beware the Beast Man]

11. heheheheh...you said pole.

[SarahB]

9. Neither.

I don't think I'd get into my own specifics though. Probably not appropriate. ;)

[IrateCitizen]

7. I'm a man, and it's very important, but not the most important...

I wouldn't be with my wife if I didn't think she was a beautiful person, and a part of that is physical attraction. In fact, she's grown more beautiful to me (in every way) since the day we met.

But more important than the bedroom is the fact that I find my wife to be my best friend -- the one person I never seem to tire of spending time with. I think that this fact only accentuates the "romantic" aspects of our relationship, making them infinitely more fulfilling. Although we don't go at it like rabbits in heat anymore -- like early in our relationship -- when we do have sex it is often much BETTER than it was back then.

[SarahB]

14. Probably good communication is the key there.

When that exists, any hurdle can be worked through. When it doesn't, things just sort of shut down eventually.

[IrateCitizen]

33. It most certainly is. And it doesn't come easy. We work at it.

My wife and I are never afraid to tell each other when we are bothered by something the other has done. We usually wait until we cool off a bit before talking about it when we're hot, but we always talk about it nonetheless.

It's not easy, but it certainly helps our marriage grow.

[FreedomAngel82]

18. Nice reply

Very romantic. I'm such a sucker for romance. :loveya:

[progmom]

10. I wasn't sure how to answer.

It's important, definitely. But much less important than intellectual compatibility, humor, and kindness.

My man has all of that, and he's most definitely not lacking in that "romantic" area you're talking about, so I guess I'm lucky.

[SarahB]

13. You are lucky.

:thumbsup:

[Bok_Tukalo]

15. Very important

Or so I keep hearing.

[SarahB]

24. It is.

Just hard to make sense of sometimes between that fine line of selfishness and having one's needs met.

[Bok_Tukalo]

38. I'ld say three times in a row is the limit

After that, you are just being selfish.

[lukasahero]

16. Romance is not sex

Both are required for a healthy relationship and feed each other as do many other particulars in any given relationship.

[SarahB]

22. I know.

I as just trying to approach the subject with as much tact as possible in order to not to get it locked, hence somewhat of a slight euphemism.

[lukasahero]

25. I know you know (I did get your point)

On the other hand, I think it's often misunderstood and thought pointing it out could lead to further discussion. Sometimes sex is just sex, sometimes it's a spiritual, loving act, sometimes it's both. When sex wanes in a relationship, it might be of value to check the level of romance in that relationship - and vice versa.

I've found that, for me, all aspects of a relationship - physical, spiritual, emotional etc. - have to be important and functioning if any aspects are to be kept viable. For example, I can't imagine being physically attracted to a man I morally despise...

(BTW, I voted "other" as a result.)

[SarahB]

28. I agree.

I guess I was with someone for a long time who didn't "get it". It certainly didn't seem like it anyway. I'm just kind of on a bit of an internal quest for knowledge right now. I don't want to make the same mistakes again.

[lukasahero]

31. Oh dear - I *married* someone who didn't "get it"

and then blamed me because the sex went bad (actually, the sex, when he wasn't forcing himself on me because it was his "right" as my husband, went extinct - and he wondered why it went bad?)

I'll tell ya', I stopped listening to what was *said* during courtship and paid a great deal of attention to what was actually *done*. Luckily the guy who treated me wonderfully and with the respect of an equal (something not quite as easy to find as one might want to believe) and didn't just "talk" about it, also happens to be what I consider ridiculously sexy and handsome (and yeah, pretty good in that euphemistically romantic arena).

Great sex alone is fine for a great fling, but if you're looking for more than that, look for more than just great sex. It all has to be good for it to be worth the work involved in making it last.

[jswordy]

36. Agreed, lukasahero. I'm a guy, and the longer the...

...relationship lasts, the more important all the "other stuff" becomes. Let's face it, if sex was the most important thing, NO ONE would ever stay together, cuz it is way simpler, easier and less entangling and encumbering to just masturbate.

No, it's the other stuff that really counts. Like having her take care of me while I'm terrible ugly yucky sick, and me doing the same for her. Or just knowing she will listen to me yack on and on about things I am interested in, even though she is not...and I do the same for her. Sometimes, it is just knowing someone else will be at home tonight besides just myself.

The longer we are together, the less important sex becomes in terms of being the "be all and end-all" of the relationship. Of course, sex has lost its urgency as we are both middle-aged now and have been together for 25 years, so those are factors (and can be good things!). I would not expect an 18-y-o or even someone in their 20s to be able to see that, though, from where they are now.

Someone once told me sex is how we get hooked into first making a relationship, and then all the other stuff is why we make a relationship LAST. Works for me. But then, I chose to be with my wife for a huge array of stuff that was not sexual, too.

It has been my personal experience that relationships begun solely on "great sex" usually do not last unless other factors come into play fairly quickly.

[lukasahero]

40. "Why we make it last" is a great point

Keeping the relationship, sex, commeraderie and romance alive takes effort and, as you quite realistically put it, it'd be a lot easier to just go masturbate. The companionship and support we receive from a relationship are the pieces that make it worth that effort.

[Bok_Tukalo]

37. "the respect of an equal"

"(something not quite as easy to find as one might want to believe)"

Almost as hard as finding someone willing to accept that respect.

[radwriter0555]

17. what's the point of having a man around if the sex is boring? After all,

bless their hearts, they're not much good for much else, they?

:)

[SarahB]

23. I don't know about that.

Friendship is important. I wouldn't want to be with anyone I couldn't relate to on other levels. I tend to have a lot of paradoxes within myself that makes it difficult to mesh with most men it seems though.

[Squeech]

19. Ambiguity

I find that when the rest of the relationship is on shaky ground, for whatever (unrelated) reasons, the romantic dimension is unsatisfying. Conversely, when other aspects are copacetic, I agree with Woody Allen: even when it's not so good, it's good.

There's a notion (more often attributed to guys than to those of you with a lovely matched set of X chromosomes) that sex outside the primary relationship has value simply because it doesn't have to carry the symbolic weight of everything else in the relationship. The older (and more disappointed) I get, the more sympathy I have for that notion. Your mileage may vary.

OTOH, a good screw may help establish an atmosphere where problems can be addressed with a low level of defensiveness, acrimony, etc. One can't usefully generalize, there's too many variables.

[SarahB]

21. I guess "good" is so relative.

That's the thing. For some people, it means simply both parties achieved the primary intent of what is to be achieved and can't stretch their imaginations beyond that. For those of us who are less-vanilla so to speak, it may mean something else all together. Even in terms of the less-vanilla folks, there's a huge spectrum. Not to mention many, many other factors to consider. Damn, this stuff gets complicated.

[redqueen]

20. I'd say it's very important.

If people have different expectations, it can definitely cause problems later.

[SarahB]

26. A person can only....

suppress so much of themselves before it catches up with them. Sometimes I almost think if it's good, it's easier to deal with the other things. Maybe I really am too demanding. It's hard to say at this point.

[tigereye]

27. I think other aspects of the relationship ( friendship, etc)

inform the physical and give it more meaning and interest. I really think people can grow together ( not literally!) over time and all aspects of the relationship benefit.

[redqueen]

29. That's very true.

However if one person is very conservative, and the other is not, it can cause problems that can't be corrected by everything else in the relationship being great. However I've never been in that position so I really don't know...

[tigereye]

41. yeah my husband is actually more liberal than I am

he's one of those "eat the rich Reps" types.

[BiggJawn]

30. Causes problems, even if everything else works great.

Trust me.

How'd my ex-wives give me THEIR karma?

[Mahatma]

32. Certainly important, also the "roundabouts"

Yes, it is very important. But also the specific likings and the way to treat each other.

"We are all capable of achieving whatever we want and need."
The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho
http://www.warriorofthelight.com

...crossing fingers!

[Freebird12004]

34. Welcome to Du ~ Mahatma

That's a very insightful link :hi:

[SarahB]

35. Welcome to DU!

I've read some of your link as well.

I like this part:
"Managing is not living: “time is money” is nonsense. We have to be aware of each moment and know how to take advantage of each single moment in what we are doing (with love) or in just contemplating life."

Lots of other good stuff there too. :thumbsup:

[Misunderestimator]

39. Very important... I've compromised on both sides in the past...

and never would again. (Both sides being romantic and other stuff.)

[leftofthedial]

42. sant a "relationship"?

get a dog