When is it cheating?

[everythingsxen]

In a relationship I mean.

If your S.O. flirts with a co-worker, but never fantasizes about it or even really considers ever cheating, is it still cheating?

If your S.O. is secretly in love with someone else but hasn't acted upon it (but fantasizes about it), is it cheating?

If your S.O. spends massive amounts of time online (either on IM, message boards or online interactive role-playing games) and engages in "fantasy of an adult nature", is it cheating?

Feel free to add your own questions/scenarios and hopefully answers to my problematic questions.

[intheflow]

1. It's cheating when

it enters your heart and you start to consider turning fantasy into reality.

[SarahB]

2. Thoughts are not cheating.

Interaction with another person physically, verbally, technically, etc. without knowledge of your partner (or a mutually agreed upon arrangement) is cheating to varying degrees. If one cannot stay within what bounds are acceptable to both parties within a relationship, it's time to either seriously work on the relationship or end the relationship and move on.

[Left Is Write]

8. Excellent answer.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

3. If you have to hide it from the person you're with, it's cheating

[CrownPrinceBandar]

5. Ding! Ding!Ding!............................

we have a winner!

[XNASA]

6. What if that person doesn't want to know?

Is it still cheating?

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

11. Yes. The only reason they wouldn't want to know is it's hurtful

If it's hurtful and outside the confines of your relationship...it's cheating even if you manipulated them into saying it's ok.

[the Princess]

23. I disagree completely

There are tons of people who are married or in committed relationships who are OK with their partner having *extracurricular* activities but they don't want details. It works for them and who is anyone to say what's right or what's wrong in another persons relationship?

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

25. Ok..I've never seen a singleone turn out in the long run...but it

doesn't concern me..so it's not like I care.

He was asking me if I thought it was cheating. I say if a person does not want to know, it's because in their heart it is NOT OK...they are going along or turning a blind eye in order to appease the other person.

Think about it. If it's fine...why can't one confront it?

[the Princess]

33. There are so many answeres to that question

Why can't one confront it?

They don't want details.
They don't want to know WHO their partner is sleeping with
It would make it too *real*
They don't want to feel in competition with the other person

In some open marriages I know - there are extenuating circumstances - meaning one partner or the other is not satified sexually (for various reasons including one partner is incapable of having sex anymore) but they love their spouse or partner and have no reason to end the marriage. So they agree to their partner going outside the marriage for sex - but have no interest in knowing - who - where - when etc. And it works for them.

Marriage is so complicated - whatever works for a couple - works for them - and it's nobody's business. And the issue of what's cheating is even more complicated. Each couple has to decide that for themselves.

[Misunderestimator]

18. Good Answer!

;)

[blondeatlast]

34. Exactly. nt

[LoZoccolo]

4. Are you married?

If not, then nothing's cheating, in my opinion.

[Misunderestimator]

19. Great, so that means that you think gay people can cheat all they want?

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

28. All of them except you :)

[Misunderestimator]

38. That goes without saying...

:)

[LoZoccolo]

30. And the knee jerks once again.

Of course not. I didn't mean government-sanctioned marraige.

[Misunderestimator]

32. LOL... I guess I should have put a little smiley face at the end...

knee-jerk... ROFL... :bounce:

[LoZoccolo]

36. Hey, I used to live in Ann Arbor!

A veritable liberal oasis, and a lot of fun things to do, but watch what you say! :scared:

In college I got reprimanded by my boss for putting qualifiers on the entrees we were serving in the dorm cafeteria ("regular" taco casserole vs. vegetarian).

:+ :bounce:

Plus if you were at Border's (the original one was on State Street), and they asked you if you needed a bag for your books, you felt like you had to apologize and give an excuse. :scared:

[Misunderestimator]

37. Hahaha... The Border's thing reminds me of living in NYC...

I ALWAYS felt guilty asking for a bag, so I tried to never need one. :thumbsup:

Thank goodness that habit stuck with me.

[keithjx]

7. I look at it this way

which ends up being the same as above: if you hide it from your SO, it's cheating.

The question I ask myself is: Would I be comfortable with my SO acting this way with someone else? If not, then I shouldn't be acting that way either. Sometimes it sucks, because I enjoy pushing the boundaries, but my relationship with my SO is just too dang important to waste on cheap thrills.

KJ

[Tektonik]

9. When you get caught

:silly:

[jswordy]

10. Here ya go, all yer answers!

FLIRTING is fine...look but don't touch, goes no farther, ends there.

SECRETLY IN LOVE is a pre-cheating condition. Anything beyond "flirting" that has "secretly" attached to it is a BIG RED FLAG!

ONLINE TIME spent with others engaging in self-gratification is A BIG RED FLAG, pre-cheating condition that spells trouble.

So...to recap...

Fine:

"WOW, she is HOT-LOOKING! And she's looking at me! Let's flirt a bit, I'll never see her again after this."

RED FLAG:

"Oh MAN, I wish I was with her, and I'm gonna do all I can to get her attention cuz I think I am in love with her. I am certainly infatuated. I think about her all the time. But I gotta be careful to keep it a secret so _____ won't find out."

"Wow, she sent me a picture of herself naked..." (fumbles with pants)

IM: "So, what are you wearing?"
"I'm naked, wanting you."
"Cool, I'm naked too. I am so excited."

On the phone: "It is so cool to finally get to talk to you."
"Yeah, me too."
"When can we meet?"

In person with hotel room key in hand...well, need I say more?

REMEDY: Bring it out in the open and talk about it. If it stays in the realm of "secretly" and "I suspect," there is trouble ahead.

Oh yeah, I'm a guy. And this is not a sex thread. It is, however, the truth!

[Freebird12004]

12. If you need to lie about it, then it could be cheating.

On the other hand some S.O. are so insecure that any friendship could be threating.

If everyone involved is honest and acting within the agreed boundaries of the relationship ... It's not cheating.

I remember one therapist saying "You don't need to be sexually intimate with someone to be having an affair with them."

[SarahB]

17. "some S.O. are so insecure that any friendship could be threating"

I dealt with this. I was with someone so insecure he was jealous of female friends or anything in my life that didn't involve him. I wouldn't have even been "allowed" male friends. It was awful. Eventually, I got to a point where I was like, "F*ck it. I'll do whatever I feel like doing." Ultimately I never did, but I seriously considered it. I guess that's when I really knew it was time to get out. I couldn't live by "his rules". As skewed as they were, that's where he felt comfortable and I couldn't meet his needs and he couldn't meet mine. I try not to throw blame out at this stage of the game (I've already worked through these emotions), but different people feel comfortable within different bounds. Some women may very well want a man who needs to be joined at the hip with her. I prefer a bit of a happy medium myself.

[Freebird12004]

27. Too much & I do feel suffocated, too little & I might feel neglected.

I cannot possibly be "everything" in someone else's life. Nor am I going to ask "how high" while in mid-air to try to please.

I never thought that it would be so difficult to date when you're over 50. I'm too open-minded for the ultra-conservatives in my neck of the woods. So ... for now - I really have given up on the dating idea!

[blondeatlast]

13. When it really hurts the SO and threatens the relationship.

My hubby didn't think he cheated with a co-worker, but I beg to differ.

He had an infatuation he was all but ready to act on--I call that cheating.

Edit: 5 years later, we are happily committed and planning to stay that way.

[Swede]

14. As the old saying goes.

[the Princess]

22. WHOA!

Rimshot!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[redqueen]

24. I don't get that saying.

I really don't understand how anyone could possibly believe it's true.

[Richardo]

15. In my pants...

[the Princess]

16. It's cheating *IF*

You are in a committeed relationship and one of you thinks it's cheating. Otherwise if it's OK within the parameters of your relationship - it's OK. JMO

[4_Legs_Good]

20. Oh, I like that answer

I like it a lot!

david

[the Princess]

21. thank you

thank you very much. I always try to please! Well almost always,. LOL

[redqueen]

29. That's what I think as well.

There are all kinds of relationships.

[Bouncy Ball]

26. It's ALL cheating

unless I do it.

BWA!

[Blue-Jay]

31. Easy question / easy answer.

Anything you're afraid/ashamed to do in front of your SO (with another person) is CHEATING.

Cheating is NOT having sexual relations in all cases. It's not even always sexual in nature. If you won't engage in an honest conversation with another person in front of your S/O, you have CHEATED on your partner. Any time you hide something from your S/O, you are cheating on them.

Granted, there are many levels of this type of behavior, but it's cheating nevertheless. You lie = you cheat.

[Freebird12004]

39. I like this answer!

:toast: Blue-Jay, you said it quite well!

[gollygee]

35. Scenarios #1 and #2, no . . . scenario #3 yes

In my opinion putting romantic energy into another relationship is cheating. In scenarios #1 and #2, there is no other romantic relationship. Scenario #2 has a one-way lust thing but there isn't another relationship to put romantic energy into. But #3 definitely is something I'd get upset with my husband over.

[WI_DEM]

40. when you catch your S.O. in bed with someone else

I think that is pretty clearly cheating.

[tjwmason]

47. Then it's time for the Gesualdo manoeuvre

Carlo Gesualdo di Venoza found his wife in bed with another man; and ran his sword through both of them killing them.

It made him mad with guilt, which made him write some pretty mind-blowing music.

[dr.strangelove]

41. Its Cheating when you do something that you know your SO would

believe violates whatever filial settings you have set up. The rules change for each couple. The long and short of it is, don't do anything that you don't want done.

[GiovanniC]

42. What If There Is Someone You Have Been In Love With For Years?

But who is unavailable in some way... married, not of your sexual orientation, etc.? If you know that nothing will EVER happen between you?

If it will never go into any kind of physical relationship and that person will only be, at the most, a very good friend... is it cheating to think about them or to talk to them? Even if you have a significant other that you love very much also, who you have a wonderful relationship with?

Also, are you obligated to inform your significant other about this other person and your feelings for them?

[leftofthedial]

43. What you call "cheating"

is completely justifiable preemptive revenge for the inevitable break-up, which will be your fault, thus exonerating the "cheater."

thank you for contacting the little bushturd's advice for the lovelorn

[BuyingThyme]

44. It's only cheating if you break the rules.

If you never bothered to make the rules, there's no cheating.

[MissMillie]

45. If you have to even ask yourself if it's cheating

then there's a part of you that is not secure enough w/ either what you're thinking of doing or with the relationship you are in.

Seriously, if the goal in your relationship to see what you can get away with, then your relationship isn't very solid.

[Bunny]

46. If his every thought, word, and deed is not done with love for me,

then he's a no-good cheating bastard who'd better not come around me no more or I'll shoot his cheating ass!

[sniffa]

48. it's not cheating if

the new fLame is in a different zip code.