Loneliness vs. Relationship vs. Marriage (maybe one day)

[steve2470]

Wow this relationship stuff can be confusing. I sure do enjoy being messy and doing exactly what I want right now. But, loneliness intrudes on a very subtle level. But, egads, the thought of semi-suffocating marriage again one day gives me pause. I suppose there is no bliss in any state. Unless you're one of these super lucky people who are actually in love with their soulmates/hand-in-glove kind of compatibility. I'm in no "danger" of losing my glorious solitude for now, but one day......it may happen !

[fit4life]

1. Make yourself one promise...

Promise yourself that you'll never settle. If you're in a relationship and catch yourself saying things like "Well that's kind of bothersome but I can deal with it" or something similar, move on.

It took me a long time to figure it out, but you shouldn't be looking for someone you can live with. You should be looking for someone you can't live without.

[steve2470]

2. damn that's profound. I have never found that lady.

Hope springs eternal.

[fit4life]

4. I'd love to claim it.

It seems like I thought of it myself, but it's way above my normal level of thinking. I must have heard it from someone else. lol

[steve2470]

5. good luck to you as well, friend. nt

[mhr]

6. 47 Here - Still Looking - Pretty Much Given Up - No Date In 10 Years Now

You learn to live with yourself after awhile.

When you hear the horror stories of others, you begin to thank your lucky stars that you are not bogged down with relationship, child rearing, or in law problems.

[Wapsie B]

8. I wholeheartedly agree with that one.

[Ron Green]

9. I respectfully disagree.

I think the fear of "settling" is far too widespread, and that "someone you can't live without" is the kind of fantasy that won't stand the test of time and reality.

Perhaps the highest purpose of a relationship is that it changes us. If we allow the "kind of bothersome" aspects to open ourselves to greater tolerance, understanding, and, indeed, LOVE, then we grow as partners and as humans.

[fit4life]

10. Fine by me!

Then again I found the woman of my dreams, so I guess I'm the exception to the rule. ;)

[tjdee]

32. SO many people do that nowadays. That's the reason for divorce, IMO.

So many divorces I mean, LOL.

They get married because they're getting older and want someone. They want/have kids. They're sick of being alone. They don't believe in soulmates/the right person because they think it's some fake Hallmark made up thing.

[gizmo1979]

3. Marriage is a fine

institution if you want to be confined to one.

[Speck Tater]

7. The other alternative is to be happily single.

I've been happily single for about 10 years now. I wouldn't go back to the fuss and bother of sharing my space with another person. It's nothing but one unsatisfying compromise after another.

I set aside about 15 minutes in the evening of every third Friday to sit down, turn on country music, drink a beer and feel lonely. Beyond that, I'm happier than I ever was in the previous 30 years of being married. My grandkids live next door so I can visit whenever I want and send them home when I want peace and quiet. The best of everything. (Except maybe the 10 years of celebacy thing, but even that has its advantages.)

[FrankBooth]

11. IF you do fall in love again, remember Rilke:

"I hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people; that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other."

[fluffernutter]

12. don't marry again. date. dating is fun.

and then afterward, you can always go home and be messy and do exactly what you want.

[steve2470]

13. very true !

it sure is hard to date people 3000 miles away though. Airfare, etc....OY.
:party:

[fluffernutter]

14. not to mention the phone bills

;)

[steve2470]

16. ah but I have Vonage, so my calls are free

the killer, no doubt, would be the airfare...damn those Star Trek folks. I wish they had those transport things now !!! What do you do out there ? you can pm me if you want.

[Left Is Write]

15. I'm one of those super lucky people you speak of.

And I sincerely hope you find happiness with whatever route you choose to go.

I went through years of Mr. Wrongs, Mr. Creeps, and bad, dysfunctional relationships before I found Mr. Left Is Write. I could write a book on doing *all* the wrong things.

[steve2470]

17. I am very happy for you, truly.

I hope your good fortune continues ad infinitum.

[Left Is Write]

18. One thing I don't ever want to do....

...is be smug or sound smug about it, lest I ever forget where I came from.

[steve2470]

19. I didn't take it that way at all.

I know that when I find her, I will be overjoyed and I will share your joy. There is plenty of joy in the world for all of us !

[Left Is Write]

21. I hope you find her.

Just make sure she's worthy of you. :)

[steve2470]

23. very kind of you, thank you nt

[aQuArius]

20. Relationships and marriage aren't so bad....

I know what you mean about not wanting to get married. However, I've found myself in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man and think I've even started to (gulp) fall in love again. Any relationship should NOT EVER feel smothering and if they are, you should let the person know ASAP. My marriage didn't get really bad until he lied and lied and lied and couldn't stop. The one thing I know in my relationship now is that he's always honest and I trust indefinitely that he always will be. I also refuse to play games or ask trick questions and I expect the same in return. Ok, just my $0.02 worth. Take your time, if love happens again for you, your attitude may come around, but no rush. :hi:

[steve2470]

22. when I meet her, I know it will change.

The past can definitely poison the present if you allow it.

[aQuArius]

24. I think my boyfriend....

kind of felt the same way you did once and was very comfortable being a bachelor, then we met! LOL

[Nikia]

25. Maybe agree to find someone who is not so smothering

Some people are more demanding than others in relationships. If your potential wife is jealous of friends, even if they are female, don't marry her. If she forbids you to do any reasonabley safe legal activity, don't marry her. If demands that you come straight home after work and do everything with her, don't marry her. I apologize to DUers who are like that. If you are someone who needs personal space and independence, there are people who will give it to you within a marriage and you should seek a person like that out.

[steve2470]

26. I have always felt "trapped" in marriage to some extent

However, I know that was an artifact of 1-the poor relationship that developed and 2-the control thing. I'm definitely no wild guy who doesn't go home, but I don't want to feel trapped. I'll be a good boy and stay on the ranch, if you know what I mean. I always have been. No point in getting married if you cannot stay on the ranch.

[SarahB]

27. It doesn't have to be loneliness vs. marriage.

Nevermind. I was speaking nicely from the heart, but I don't leave my guts out in the open when being condescended to.

I hope you find a nice balance in your life and work through whatever issues you have.

[steve2470]

28. With all due respect, I did understand that before I posted.

I'm sure the anxieties will be addressed before or if I take that gigantic leap again :-) Thanks for posting ! :-)

[SarahB]

29. I didn't mean it in a negative way.

Just my own thoughts and experiences. :)

[steve2470]

30. Thanks for your time, honestly :-)

:-)

[Hans Delbrook]

31. I used to say I want a man in my life not in my house

I was single into my early 30's.

Then I met my husband and I knew I had found a man who I wanted in my life and my house.

I think it is a matter of finding the right person, or it was for me. We've been together now for 13 years and I still wake up every day feeling unbelievably lucky to have him there. :loveya:

I know it wouldn't have worked w/ any of the (many) men I dated before him so I'm really glad I didn't settle.

[Samurai_Writer]

33. Option number 4 -- happily single!

I've been married twice (from 18-23 and then from 35-38). I can absolutely say that I am MUCH happier single and living alone. I can do what I want, when I want, with no one to be responsible for or to answer to (except the pets!). And if I get lonely? I date, I go to dances and social gatherings, and travel to see my one 'special friend' a few times a year. I'm completely happy and at ease with my life, and honestly, would not want a 'serious' relationship, not even with 'my dream man/woman' (whatever that means). I've always been a rather private person, and relish the time I get to spend alone. I guess growing up in a family of 7 and then having kids at a young age had something to do with that. I'm 44 now, kids are grown and on their own for the past 4 years, and I'm loving life!

Peace,
Bella