HELP!!! DU English pros....

[PhishWithLemon99]

I'm applying to a program at Penn for high schoolers to take an evening college class for credit in addition to their high school studies, and I need some help with the essay. I asked for help on my Precollege essay a few months ago and got a ton of help, and it was much appreciated.

The prompt: In about 200 words, describe one specific academic topic you have learned about and tell why it interested you so much.

My essay so far:

Despite being in school for eleven years and learning about many interesting subjects there, the subject which stands out as being the most fascinating was the American Political Thought class that I took during the summer of 2003 as part of Penn’s Precollege program. In this class, I had the opportunity to learn about the Founding Fathers’ beliefs in detail from both the Federalist and Anti-Federalist points of view, and I was able to critically analyze some major aspects of the Constitution that are still impacting America. The seminar format of this class was one of the most thought provoking experiences of my life, and taught me to understand the Federalist beliefs through modern-day and historical examples. This seminar also provided an opportunity to learn a great deal from my peers, who had read the same texts as I had but had different opinions and interpretations of them. This was a valuable opportunity that, unfortunately, is rare to find in high school.
Along with learning about a fascinating academic topic in a different way, I also learned valuable things about college, such as time management and writing a college-level paper. For all the reasons mentioned, my Precollege experience with American Political Thought was the most beneficial and exciting academic experience of my life.



Any words of advice, help, comments, etc would be most appreciated, since I don't have the time to meet with my english teacher over this.

Thanks in advance :-)

[BigMcLargehuge]

1. this is a monster sentence

and has a few problems.

Despite being in school for eleven years and learning about many interesting subjects there, the subject which stands out as being the most fascinating was the American Political Thought class that I took during the summer of 2003 as part of Penn’s Precollege program

I realize your working towards a 200 word count, but if you trim this to manageable levels and fix the tense problems... Try this one.

"I've studied many interesting subjects in my eleven years of school. The most interesting of these subject was American Political Thought."

Hope this helps.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

2. so are you back for good or what?

You just use us for essay tips. Bastard! :P

The essay sounds a little choppy. I'm too lazy to give hints at the moment though.

[PhishWithLemon99]

3. I check back occasionally...

When I went away to Penn over the summer, I got sort of cut off from DU...and I've been so busy ever since that I don't have the time to post much.

You're right, it is choppy...but I wrote it in about 5 minutes and the deadline is rapidly approaching. :-(

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

20. Maybe you shouldn't have procrastinated.

Oh wait. If I said that, it would be somewhat hypocritical wouldn't it...

[JohnKleeb]

5. Maybe I can give him math tips

;)
I also am too lazy to give hints. I can give hints on ................. just about nothing.

[stanwyck]

4. Just a couple of suggestions

You don't need the comma in this sentence:

The seminar format of this class was one of the most thought
provoking experiences of my life, and taught me to understand

Also, I'd hyphenate thought-provoking and not capitalize "Precollege".

I have no problem with your lengthy opening statements; it's grammatically correct. By varying your sentence length, your writing flows well.

Well written and delivers your message.

[utopian]

6. This doesn't look too bad

But I noticed a tendency toward wordiness. Your introductory sentence is a good example. You should be able to condense sentences such as: "Despite being in school for eleven years and learning about many interesting subjects there, the subject which stands out as being the most fascinating was the American Political Thought class that I took during the summer of 2003 as part of Penn’s Precollege program."

Here is another one that could be condensed: "This seminar also provided an opportunity to learn a great deal from my peers."

These are just two examples, but you can probably prune a lot of words from this draft, making it punchier and more concise.

You should also be careful when using transitive verbs (forms of to be, to have, etc), replacing them with strong, action verbs whenever possible. Instead of "I was able to critically analyzed," try "I critically analyzed," etc.

Good luck.

[youngred]

7. Phish....

what's up with the sig quote...I hope there's some contextual explanation for your good buddy Ed there

[PhishWithLemon99]

8. said when he was mayor, not some kind of gigolo...

That was one of his off-the-wall and impulsive comments made to reporters as mayor of Philly back in the day. Perhaps I'll clarify that sometime, so people dont get the wrong idea.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

10. Ed Rendell as a gigolo is kind of scary.

I mean. He's not exactly an attractive man.

[JohnKleeb]

14. Yeah now I am gonna have nightmares

but much thanks Zack for asking.

[youngred]

13. might help

though it certainly is interesting

[MooPie]

9. Here's my humble input

Try to use the active voice. In other words eliminate the "to be" verb, i.e. the words is, was. For example, After eleven years of studying many interesting subjects in school, my American Political Thought class stands out as the most fascinating.

I learned a great deal from my peers who had read the same texts, but came away with different perspectives and opinions. This offered me a valuable opportunity that unfortunately one rarely encounters in high school.

Basically go through and try to rewrite those sentences that have is or was in them. Your voice becomes much more dynamic.
Best of luck!

[Ilsa]

11. I thought "impacting" as a verb was considered informal.

I've also heard that using it as a verb has been recently accepted, but I don't care for it.

But I don't grade essays, either.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

12. They always tell us impacting is a strong verb

:shrug:

[markses]

25. Ay yay yay

It's Buzzword City, a sure indication that the writer's bullshitting. Impacted. Ugh.

[Maddy McCall]

Never use IMPACTED as a verb...use AFFECTED

"It affected him..." not "It impacted him..."

In a historical methodology seminar, we laughed at papers that used impacted as a verb. Sounds like the person was made constipated by a policy etc.

[Maddy McCall]

29. dupe

dupe

[MooPie]

15. Right

it should probably be written as "...that still impact America."

[Maddy McCall]

31. "that still have an impact on America" is better

sorry if I sound like a word snob :-)

[david_vincent]

21. Agreed

Using it as a verb makes you sound like an anchorman wannabe or a purveyor of business-world pomposity. "Impact" is best left as a noun.

[nuxvomica]

16. One phrase bothers me

"The seminar format of this class was one of the most thought provoking experiences of my life,...." The phrase "was one of the most thought provoking experiences of my life" should refer to the class and not it's format. You could say "Due to the seminar format," or "With it's seminar format" or "This seminar class was..."

[markses]

17. You don't really answer the question

You do a lot of work describing the class format, and not much work explaining why the course MATERIAL was interesting to you. The reason is fairly transparent - and will be to the admissions readers: You are more interested in demonstrating that you have some background with college-style formats than you are in answering the question as asked. If I were an admissions reader, I might pass it, but I'd feel a bit embarassed, since it is rather obvious pandering. If I were not to pass it, I'd give the following reason: The author is attempting to persuade of of his or her credentials, rather than persuading us of his or her interest in a specific topic. The author therefore has confused the underlying purpose of the assignment, or is deliberately undermining it. In either case, we don't have the answer we need to make a decision.

In order to improve the essay - which is to say, in order to fit it with the purpose as described in the question, you should make some of the following changes:

"Despite being in school for eleven years and learning about many interesting subjects there, the subject which stands out as being the most fascinating was the American Political Thought class that I took during the summer of 2003 as part of Penn’s Precollege program."

Unnecessarily long sentence. You need not pile on the date or the program. Oh, that's right: you pile those things on as part of the pandering effort: See! I've already taken pre-college, and recently! Given the question, this is irrelevant, and transparent. The reader already knows you will be blowing smoke for the remainder of the essay.

Moreover, the subordinating conjunction "despite" is strangely used, since the first clause does not contradict or render surprising the second clause. Example: "Despite eating 20 hot dogs, he was still hungry." In your sentence, the fact that you took many classes does not contradict, contrast, or render surprising the fact that you found one interesting. Unless, of course, you are indicating that the college class was the only thing you found interesting, again part of the pandering.

"In this class, I had the opportunity to learn about the Founding Fathers’ beliefs in detail from both the Federalist and Anti-Federalist points of view, and I was able to critically analyze some major aspects of the Constitution that are still impacting America."

This is the only other sentence you should keep. The rest of the essay should expand and amplify this theme: WHY DID YOU FIND IT INTERESTING? Everything else should go 9especially insulting your high school education, which would be the final straw for me if I was an admissions reader.)

To the extent that your essay never really answers this question, but is more concerned with transparent flattery, it does not accomplish or speak to the prompt. It fails in accomplishing its assigned purpose.

On Edit: Yours is a classic misconception of the assignment. You've misread the prompt. I taught first-year and advanced composition for years, and I've done hiring consulting with major corporations. I've seen it a thousand times. It is ASSUMED that you will be able to manage your time. It is ASSUMED that you will be mature enough to handle the seminar format. That is NOT what the question is asking you to demonstrate. The readers want to see an intellectual spark, and deep interest, a passion for a field of scholarship. To the extent that you feel the need to reassure them of your credentials, they may even read a deep anxiety about those credentials in your writing, and deny you on that basis. This is the chief cover letter faux pas, by the way.

[roguevalley]

18. try breaking some of the sentences up. some teachers hate

commas like thinking people hate anne coulter.

[JohnKleeb]

19. total opposite for me, I am notorious for never using commas

[markses]

26. That should be a semicolon

;-)

(It's the) complete opposite for me; I'm notorious for never using commas.

[JohnKleeb]

27. whatever I didnt come here to learn grammar

whateva, heh. Be a smartass will ye :)

[grasswire]

22. I'm sorry

I think it's boring. It's wordy, and it doesn't showcase any real feelings you might have had for the founding fathers. Impacting? Impacting? Fascinating, valuable, opportunity, critically analyze? Impacting? Sounds like MBA writing.

I believe you should start with a sentence that shows the essence of the intellectual debate you carried on with yourself on that intellectual journey of jousting political philosophies -- a sentence that shows excitement and epiphany.

And then write about that seminar avoiding cliches and trite phrases. Write with some zeal!

And, yes, use the active voice always.

[grasswire]

23. a better word....

....than "impacting" is "affecting."

[markses]

24. They're trying to get rid of it in the MBA schools as well

A long and fruitless effort. Everybody who wants to sound "sophisticated" uses silliness like "impacting," not realizing that it makes the writing worse, not better.

[Maddy McCall]

28. My advice...consider rewriting for clarity's sake

I grade college students' papers on grammar and content for a living (a history instructor at a university), so maybe I can make some contributions to what others have said. You are mixing two subjects in one paragraph, and each subject should have its own paragraph. One for class format, one for what you learned. And then, a conclusion. Don't copy what I wrote below (I know you are too smart to do that :-) ) but just look at the changes I made and see what you think.

In my eleven-year academic career, no class has been as fascinating as the American Political Thought class that I took during the summer 2003 Penn Precollege program. I had the opportunity to learn about the intricacies of the founders' beliefs from both the Federalist and Anti-Federalist perspectives. Using knowledge gained in the class, I was able to analyze critically some of the major aspects of the Constitution that continue to affect America. The presentation and discussion of historic and modern-day situations brought Federalist philosophy to life for me.

The seminar context enabled the free exchange of class participants' diverse ideas. It provided me an opportunity to learn from my peers who had read the same texts as I, but who had interpreted them differently. Unforunately, this valuable opportunity (use another word here--you've used it twice in one paragraph) is rare to find in high school.

The class not only gave me new perspectives on this topic but also provided me valuable lessons about college, such as the importance of time management and the skills needed to write a college-level paper. For these reasons, my Precollege experience with American Political Thought was the most beneficial and exciting academic experience of my life.

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

30. I rewrote it for you.

God knows why.

While I have been in school for eleven years and learned many interesting and valuable subjects, one of my most fascinating experiences was in the American Political Thought Class during my time at Penn’s pre-college program last summer. The format of the class allowed for thought provoking discussions and different insights from my peers that I would not normally have gained in a regular high school setting. I had the opportunity to learn about the Founding Fathers’ beliefs in detail from both the Federalist and Anti-Federalist points of view and from this I was able to critically analyze some major aspects of the Constitution that are still impacting America.Through this fascinating program and course, I also learned valuable things about college, such as time management and writing a college level essay. For these reasons, I believe this class not only helped to shape me as a better student, but also helped expose me to new ideas and to different opinions. This class on political thought really was one of the most rewarding and exciting academic experiences of my life.

[Rabrrrrrr]

32. Welcome back! I was just wondering yesterday where you were

and what was up with you.

Sorry, can't help with the essay this time, in the middle of other things, but wanted to say howdy and hope all is well. Sounds like it!

Although - since it's impossible not to help :-) - I will say that, in this sentence you are general: The seminar format of this class was one of the most thought provoking experiences of my life.

Be specific - how was it thought provoking? Why? In what SPECIFIC way?

nyway, I'm missing the troll fighting scene in Fellowship of the Ring, so have to get back to the living room....

[TreasonousBastard]

33. Hoo, boy...

it's a little late, and you have little time, but I have to say that just about anyone who wants to write well needs to start with Strunk&White, or some other decent stylebook. Keep it in mind for the future. Can't think of any offhand, but tutorials for the proper structure for an essay wouldn't be a bad idea. Seems that sort of thing isn't being properly taught much any more. You're pretty much on the right track, though.

"Despite being in school for eleven years and learning about many interesting subjects there, the subject which stands out as being the most fascinating was the American Political Thought class that I took during the summer of 2003 as part of Penn’s Precollege program."

Padding, are you? And sucking up to Penn? Try:

One of the most interesting and productive courses I have taken was American Political Thought.

" In this class, I had the opportunity to learn about the Founding Fathers’ beliefs in detail from both the Federalist and Anti-Federalist points of view, and I was able to critically analyze some major aspects of the Constitution that are still impacting America."

Good, although the comma may be unnecesary. I'm big on shorter sentences, but this will do.

" The seminar format of this class was one of the most thought provoking experiences of my life, and taught me to understand the Federalist beliefs through modern-day and historical examples."

Again with the comma. Drop the though provoking experiences of your life. Sounds like a high schooler talking about Avril Levigne.

" This seminar also provided an opportunity to learn a great deal from my peers, who had read the same texts as I had but had different opinions and interpretations of them. This was a valuable opportunity that, unfortunately, is rare to find in high school.

eh... Try:

The format of the seminar allowed an interaction with other students that is rarely seen in high school.

"Along with learning about a fascinating academic topic in a different way, I also learned valuable things about college, such as time management and writing a college-level paper."

Good.

"For all the reasons mentioned, my Precollege experience with American Political Thought was the most beneficial and exciting academic experience of my life."

Kinda gushy again. The academic may say:

In sum, I found the experience educational not only for the course information I learned, but also for the practical experience of interacting with other students and the demands of college-level work.


OK-- that's just my take on it, and you have some good advice from other people. Stir it all over low heat for a while and come up with a good paper.

[REP]

34. Impact is NEVER EVER A Verb

The class that was the most fascinating was the American Political Thought class. In this class, I learned about the Founding Fathers’ beliefs in detail from both the Federalist and Anti-Federalist points of view, and I was able to analyze some major aspects of the Constitution that are still affecting America and American political behavior. The seminar format of this class was thought-provoking, and I was understand the Federalist beliefs through both modern-day and historical examples. It also provided an opportunity to learn from my peers, who had read the same texts that I had but had different opinions and interpretations of them. This was a valuable experience.
Along with learning about a fascinating topic in a new light, I also learned valuable skills, such as time management and an introduction to how to write a college-level paper. My Pre-college experience with American Political Thought was beneficial and exciting, and I look forward to further participation in similar classes.