Are Your Parents Divorced?

[arwalden]

Mine are. They got divorced when I was 11. -- Dad remarried and stayed married. Mom's been married three times... now divorced.

DISCUSSION TOPIC: We get clues from our parents about what we'll look like when we're older... so can we also get clues from them on how our relationships will be as time goes on?

Do we learn anything from their mistakes? Or are we destined to repeat them? Can we model ourselves based on what they do right?

[terrya]

1. My parents were married for 50 years

Very happily married. Until my dad's death 2 years ago.

I guess...hopefully...that means that Doug and I will be together for many years. I hope so.

[lancdem]

2. My parents will celebrate their 50th anniversary in September

[arwalden]

7. Sorry About Your Loss... But It's Sweet They Were Married For So Long!

I think my adult relationships have been following a combination pattern of my parents' marital histories. In my late 20's and early 30's my relationships were toxic and unpredictable (like my mom's tended to be) and they ended in disaster. Fortunately, at this state, my life and relationship is very stable and long-lasting (like my dad's).

I'm hope that you and Doug will last a lifetime together. You'll be two hard of hearing old men with walkers and canes... shuffling your way to the rockers on the front porch... watching the birds and listening to old-timey disco music on antique CD players, and chasing kids off your lawn. (Get outa here, Sonny!)

[terrya]

16. Thank you!

Yes...it sounds like perhaps you're mirroring your dad in terms of relationships. And I know you've talked about your past relationships before. But we learn from them. They're bitter lessons, sometimes. But they help us in the end. And it sounds like you and your partner has a firm, solid relationship...which will last for many, many years to come. I can only offer all of my hopes and wishes for that.

I remember a couple of years back, Doug and I went to this restaurant in Toronto...off of Church St (the main gay area in TO). It was summer, and we sat outside. We saw this elderly gay couple walking down the street, together. They looked so much in love. And I saw them...and pointed them out to Doug and told him how much I wanted him and me to be like them. I certainly hope so...there is NO one I'd rather grow old with. :-)

T

[ronnykmarshall]

20. Same with me

I had 4 boyfriends that I could call "serious" relationships (over one year).

The first one was a total jerk. Abusive both mental and physical.

The other three I lived with. I can honestly say that I really loved all three of these guys very much. But they were not meant to last.

Now in my 40's I've met "the one".

So just like my parents (at least my mom), I met my soul mate when I was in my 40's.

[Richardo]

13. My folks just celebrated their 50th in January....

Unbelievable.

None of us kids (four boys) has been divorced either - in fact my 15th ann'y is later this month. :wow: Where has the time gone?

Mazel tov to you and Doug, terrya :toast:

[redqueen]

3. My parents stayed married despite their problems with each other.

And them staying together hasn't helped my relationships one tiny bit.

[CanuckAmok]

4. AND HOW!

Dad (now deceased): Divorced four times.

Mom: Divorced three times.


I am proud to carry on my family's traditions.


Note: they are not Liz Taylor and Richard Burton. I wish!!

[djeseru]

5. It's my parents divorce...

...that has made me work on my 17-year marriage harder. I don't want my daughter going without her dad, or a series of fake 'dads' that do more harm than good. I don't know if he and I will still be together 10 years from now but after going through the various divorces via my parents it's not something I want to think over.

[SarahB]

6. Mine are doubly divorced!

Divorced when I was 6. Married each other again when I was 14 (on and off living together in between). Divorced again when I was 20. Neither have had any major relationships since.

I swore I do everything possible to never get divorced. I did, but unfortunately for a time it meant shutting off my feelings to the reality of the the person I married and being miserable within myself. I know their stuff affected me deeply in terms of my own life. It lead me to becoming too serious, too young, and then staying when I shouldn't have. Anyway, you learn (and learn some more) and move forward. What else can a person do? :shrug:

I'd have to say after being married to a man who has often felt more like a warden that a partner for the last few years, it would take a lot for me to ever consider getting married again. I promised myself that even if I met "the perfect man" (whatever that is), I'd give myself five years before I'd even consider getting married again. Maybe I never will. Who knows? In the meantime, I have a bit of lost time to make up for. :D

[Samurai_Writer]

8. My parents were married for 32 years...

when my dad died in 1992. They had the best marriage I have ever seen. Still miss my dad a lot.

Peace,
Bella

[prozacnation]

9. Mine has been the opposite of my parents

My parents were divorced when I was about eight. My Dad has been married since then several times, each ending in divorce. I think all totaled now he has had 6 wives. My Mom died in 1991 so I don't know if she would have remarried.

In my case I was determined that when I got married it would be forever. At this point I've been married almost 14 years. It's not easy and there have been many times I've thought about leaving. However, I will not repeat my Father's mistakes. Marriage is hard work but for me it's worth it.

My Dad made horrible choices and wasn't a good partner. He picked women based on looks and race. He likes the submissive Asian types. No offense intended that's just my Dad. He ended up losing half of everything over and over again. It got to be comical.

Amazingly he is engaged again. Who knows is he will marry this one or not. My poor kids get so confused. We've stopped allowing them to call his wives Grandma. Why bother letting them getting attached.

[GOPisEvil]

10. Still married after 42 years.

Of course, I'm single and never married, so I can't say whether I learned anything from them or not. :shrug:

[LynzM]

11. Mine were married for 22 years,

Then finally got divorced (was in the works for like 5 years, ugh)

"Do we learn anything from their mistakes? Or are we destined to repeat them? Can we model ourselves based on what they do right?" I think we can learn both from what they do right, and what they do wrong. We can observe what things we don't want in a relationship, and what reactions are hurtful to the other person. At least, that's what I took away from it. A lot of hurt, but a lot of learning. I don't think that I am doomed to repeat what I saw in my parents, because I am part each of them, but like neither fully, if that makes sense? I'm more aware of and open about my own feelings and reactions, and my role in my marriage.

[Magrittes Pipe]

12. My parents are divorced. So am I.

Their second marriages have both lasted, and seem to be happy. I hope I can follow in their footsteps.

[ronnykmarshall]

14. Yes

They divorced in 1977 when I was 16. Dad got married again in 1979 and again in 1980-something and finally got in right in 1992. They were married for 10 years before he died in 2002.

My mom remarried in 1982 and they are still happily married.

[Tikki]

15. Mine, yes...Mr.Tikki's parents were married..

until they passed (47 years). All of Mr. Tikki's siblings (there are 3) are married to their first and only and all were married under the age of 21.

C'est la Vie said the old folks...it goes to show you never can tell.


Tikki

[ChoralScholar]

17. My parents were divorced when I was born

and re-married each other when I was 5. I never even knew until I found their second marriage license dated 1982. (originally married in 1964)

[ProfessorGAC]

18. Nope

Married 45 years when my dad died. What i learned is that if you do it in a way that is completely shared divorce is far less likely. Everyday wasn't perfect for them, nor was every situation. But, if we set our expectations properly and make it a partnership, divorce is less likely an outcome.

And, we're 25 years next Tuesday.
The Professor

[Tikki]

27. Well said Professor...This IS the way.....if a couple sets...

their expectations realistically (properly) and make it a partnership...divorce will be less likely. May I add, when you reach a goal together, congratualtions..but, it's time to set another goal to work on it together....

Tikki

[ProfessorGAC]

32. We Work On It Everyday

And, we both try to make the other one laugh about something, every day as well. Humor is very good medicine for the relationship.
The Professor

[politicat]

19. Multiply divorced on one side

Dad's been married 5 times - mom was wife 3 and 4. They divorced when I was 8, remarried the next year, and spend the next 8 years miserable together. They permanently divorced when I was 17, and I've never quite forgiven them for remarrying after they divorced the first time. They were much happier without each other than they ever were with each other. His most recent wife left him after he stopped being a cash cow after he retired from the Department of Transportation and they took his retirement in a lump sum instead of an annuity.

Mom remarried a chronic gambler who died of prostate cancer 3 years ago. He wasn't much better than my father, but she liked him. I didn't have to live with him.

Neither of my parents have very good taste in partners, and so I've found that I am very, very picky about my partners, especially after I recognized myself repeating their mistakes in my early 20s. In my marriage to Mr. Pcat, I am very careful to not replicate their mistakes, as he is with me (his parents are also divorced.)

Pcat

[no name no slogan]

21. Mine divorced when I was 4

That was 31 years ago. My mom remarried about five years ago, but got divorced last year. My dad had a live-in girlfriend from 1978-1990, but he's been single since then.

I've been married for eight years and still going strong-- which is almost TWICE as long as my parents' marriage lasted. My wife's folks have been married for almost 50 years.

I think I learned a lot from my parents' marriage and the choices they made. They got married pretty young-- 21 and 24 for my mom and dad, respectively-- while I didn't get hiched until 27. Also, we don't have any kids, which has allowed us to focus on being good partners first and foremost.

I don't think we're doomed to repeat our parents' mistakes, but I think they serve as good examples to us for the choices we make.

[Modem Butterfly]

22. My parents have been together almost 40 years

They seem to have a pretty good marriage. My brother, who's a fundie Freeper-type (NOT an actual Freep AFAIK) is on his third marriage. I've never been married but I've been with my partner for over ten years.

My partner's parents were divorced when he was a kid. Then they each got married to someone else and divorced again in short-order. They're both pretty poisonous people. My partner was married once to a fundie, but they got divorced when I met him. He's got some scars from his childhood and from his own marriage, but his parents' divorces seem to not have affected him too much.

[fluffernutter]

23. my parents were divorced when i was 8.

my mother remarried and stayed married. my father remarried, divorced again and now lives with someone he has been with for many years.

i am married and never divorced. my brothers are also married and never divorced. i guess we learned to get it right the first time.

[regularguy]

24. Yup. Married 30 years...20-30 years too long.

The neat thing is that since I'm adopted I can wish that my parents never got married without wishing myself out of existence.

[eyesroll]

25. My parents have been married 33 years.

My own marriage lasted six, ended in a very amicable divorce recently.

Although my relationship didn't stand the test of time as theirs did, at least I learned how to be a grown-up about things from them. I suspect, had my parents had an ugly divorce (or, for that matter, an ugly marriage -- they've had ups and downs but have never been uncivil in front of me) when I was young, mine would have been a lot uglier as a result.

[RandomKoolzip]

26. My parents were still in love after 23 years when my father passed away.

When my father was terminal, they had to get a "on-paper-only" divorce, because that somehow, under the byzantine rules of the insane medical insurance plan we had, made our medical bills cheaper. A week later, my dad died.


I hope I never get divorced.

[yvr girl]

28. My parents are divorced, but not from each other

[livetohike]

29. Parents were married for 53 years

until Dad's death last November :cry:.

We will celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary on March 22. I have learned through my parents' example and my own experience that you share the good times and the bad and that to sustain a marriage takes work.

[Bertha Venation]

30. They divorced when I was two; mom remarried, died when I was eleven.

GAWD but my family was effed up.

But your question: Can we model ourselves based on what they do right?

Absolutely. My mother should never have had children. I won't tell you about her; suffice to say she was horrible.

But she knew how to have fun, and how to make fun. She sang in the car and made funny faces. She once drove around with a kitten on her shoulder. She made us malts in the evenings, and popcorn for TV time on the weekends. I think I get my sense of fun from my mother.

I'm not sure what I get from my dad, except an intense loathing for people who trash other peoples' dead mothers. :eyes:

But I'm not bitter. ;)

[Misunderestimator]

47. Well, shit... I think you need one of these...

:hug: It never is all bad is it? I think that's what makes it so hard to reconcile.

[Bertha Venation]

50. You know, don't you.

Then you need one, too. :hug:

It IS hard. Saddest thing is now that both my sisters are just embittered and have nothing good to hang onto. But OTOH they've broken incredibly destructive patterns and have not repeated many, many of our parents' mistakes.

[Orsino]

31. Already had their Golden Anniversary. n/t

[Spacemom]

33. My parents have been married 35 years

There were times I wished they would have divorced. It has been a long, tumultuous relationship, but they seem to have finally calmed down as they've aged. My mom jokes "if I'd killed him when I'd met him, I'd be out of prison by now."

I suppose I have followed in their footsteps, my husband and I have been married for 11 years. Our relationship is nothing like theirs though.

[roguevalley]

34. my folks are working on year 54 and are devoted. I'm lucky.

[TyeDye75]

35. My parents married when I was 2 divorced when I was 4.....

then my dad died in 1995 when I was 9

[tigereye]

36. parents have been married for 47 years

I have been with my husband for almost 25 years !, first living together and then married for about 13 years. Where did the time go? Generally, it has been a very good thing and we have a very sweet son, as well.

[njdemocrat106]

37. Nope

My dad passed away last year after 27 years of marriage (he was only 53, too).

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

38. There have been 7 divorces in my family.

[MountainLaurel]

39. Unfortunately not

As a child, I used to pray they would, because my father was such a miserable, emotionally abusive, unable to be a parent, nazi fucker. But alas, for whatever reason (threats, my mother's lack of a spine and inability to realize that life can be better than shit), they're still together.

[MountainLaurel]

40. Unfortunately not

As a child, I used to pray they would, because my father was such a miserable, emotionally abusive, unable to be a parent, nazi fucker. But alas, for whatever reason (threats, my mother's lack of a spine and inability to realize that life can be better than shit), they're still together.

[da_chimperor]

41. My parents divorced when I was 15

but I saw it coming for years. I knew it would happen by the time I was 10. I know that I learned a lot from it all. It was all about what my father did wrong, and I know that I will never fuck up like he did.

[Left Is Write]

42. My parents have been happily married for 45 years.

My husband's parents are divorced. His mother remarried in 1976 and is still married to her second husband.

[Beaverhausen]

43. My parents will celebrate their 52nd anniversary in June

None of their kids (3 of us) have a good marraige.

My bro and sis are both divorced and I'm with a guy who has been divorced twice and I don't know if he's gonna take the plunge again.

[ikojo]

44. My mom and dad divorced when I was six years old

My dad, now deceased, remarried two days following the divorce. He moved to Florida when I was 12 and died when I was 20. He was no real presence in my life.

My mom remarried 13 years after she divorced but she had boyfriends, none of whom I really liked. One ended up in prison and one was abusive toward me. The guy she married was OK I guess. He never belittled my mom and thought of her as a queen, so that was an improvement over my dad. He didn't like the fact that she had a lot of kids and convinced her to move out of Illinois. She stayed away for 23 years and returned to Illinois after he died.

My mom is currently unmarried but I am sure that if she got out and dated and met someone she'd like to get married again. It's just not as likely now because she's 69 and not in too good of shape.

[American Tragedy]

45. It's possible. But we're not just extensions of our parents.

We're individuals.

I never understand people who suggest that since my mother and father stayed together, that somehow bodes well for me. All of my relationships without exception have been terrible to the point of being traumatic. I can't imagine actually marrying anybody.

[Misunderestimator]

46. Good questions. My parents never divorced...

though I think they would have if my mom had not been ill. She passed away about 14 years ago after having multiple sclerosis. I guess that I have become like my father, in that I feel I have to take care of the one I love and be loyal until death. That's not a bad thing. Unfortunately for me, I have in the past (too many times) mistaken need for love, and have over time learned my lessons well. My father has met a perfect companion for himself to spend the rest of his life with. I did him one better, and met mine 15 years younger than he did.

He did a lot wrong, that I also learned from, so yes... I think we can, with the right circumstances and desire, model ourselves based on what they did right AND wrong.

[Withywindle]

48. Married in '68, still together...

...and they'd only known each other for 3 months when they got married!


I doubt I'll be repeating that feat.

[Misunderestimator]

49. My parents knew eachother one month...

and married in 1955.

[Withywindle]

51. Wow!

Even more amazing.


I guess sometimes you really do just know.