Sometimes being married is depressing

[Xithras]

I was offered an incredible deal today. 68 acres of land here in Northern California bordered on two sides by a year round stream, 45 minutes from a mid-sized Central Valley city (Modesto) and 20 minutes from a pop 8000 town, with power, water well, paved road access, 100+ year old oak trees, Nature Conservancy easments on almost all of the surrounding land, and no freeways within 30 miles for only $190,000. The rancher who owns the land is a friend of my fathers and is retiring, and is basically offering it to me at cost (sort of...he owes $190k on another piece of land that he's retiring onto, and has offered me this one if I'll pay that one off for him).

So I call my wife and tell her the good news, that I've been offered the property of a lifetime at a price I'll never see again, that we'll have a stunning piece of property to retire onto one day, and that as far as investments go this one can't be beat.

Her response: "Why the hell would I want to live in the boonies?" :wow:

I love my wife dearly, but I simply cannot understand the mindset of people who think that any home more than 20 minutes from a shopping mall is "remote", and that people who live in places like that must act, look, and smell like Grizzly Adams. I can't even get her to go LOOK at it with me tomorrow!:cry:

[leftofthedial]

1. only the part in between "I do"

and removing the feeding tube.

[katinmn]

18. LOL.

:thumbsup:

[the_spectator]

22. lol -

Sorry about the denial of your own little slice of Heaven. Just keep that feeding tube in mind. She can keep you from your dreamland, but there may come a day you can make it up to her ... "Oh yeah, I remember that day when she said she'd never live in the boonies. You know, come to think of it, that was the exact same day she also mentioned she'd rather die than be (....) Just ask my brother and his wife, she said the same thing to them once! Yeah, that's the ticket!"

PLEASE forgive me, please. Just punch-drunk Schiavo-wise.

[Xithras]

25. Umm, I HAVE a living will for that very reason.

It even includes a test...If I can't tell you what 5+5 is, pull the damned plug! :D

[the_spectator]

27. Good for you!

I could seriously imagine brain damage where 5+5 could be tough. The question is, how much time are you giving yourself to be able to answer that? Does it have to be pretty instantaneous?

I think we ALL should choose for OURSELVES. I guess maybe me I'm not anxious to rush for death for myself. Maybe I am just pretty selfish. I am really a nice guy, pleasant, but I guess I am a little selfish sure, too.

[Xithras]

33. No, the actual will goes into quite a bit more detail.

There are several baseline cognitive tests that are predefined, requirements for restorative therapies, etc. The 5+5 test actually is in there, but it's combined with a number of others. As a teacher and a scientist, there's a certain point where I simply wouldn't want to live if my brain weren't functional. If I couldn't do simple math, recall basic historical facts, or recognize the faces of my children, I really don't know what the point of continuing on would be. Existing simply for the sake of existing isn't enough.

My wife and I gave some thought to this a few years back when one of her grandfathers died of Parkinsons. Her family refused to let him go and kept him alive on life support for months, which tore our families apart.

Man...I started a thread on my land disagreements with my wife and now I'm going off onto a Schiavo tangent. How does that happen?

[the_spectator]

37. Sorry about that!

"Man...I started a thread on my land disagreements with my wife and now I'm going off onto a Schiavo tangent. How does that happen?" -lol
again, sorry!

[leftofthedial]

32. no apology

my post asked for it

[MissB]

2. Sell it as an investment, not a retirement

A slight bit dishonest, but perhaps you could eventually convince her to fall in love with it. :shrug:

[Ellen Forradalom]

3. Go without her

Buy it without her. I'll retire there with you :-)

Seriously, our spouses' utter lack of enthusiasm can be infuriating, can't it?

[shesemsmom]

7. CAN we make it a threesome!!!

I willing. It sounds like Paradise

[Maestro]

4. Crap if I lived in California

I'd be calling up your dad's friend asap!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[unblock]

5. by the time you retire, it might be very close to a mall....

sad but true

[Xithras]

20. Ugh, I didn't think of that

The Nature Conservancy easments on the surrounding hills should keep most development away, but McMansions ARE already springing up on other properties in the area. It may not be so remote when I'm ready to do something with it.

[Left Is Write]

60. Maybe so, but it's still a good investment.

It will undoubtedly increase in value.

[benny05]

6. Interesting...

Are you living in Calif now? bigger outlying city at present?

[Xithras]

12. I currently live just north of Modesto

Little sort-of-town called Salida, mostly filled with Bay Area commuters and Republican suburbanite wanna-be's. I haven't owned the place long but I hate it here.

I love the agricultural feel of the area and the quiet country feel that you find once you get past the sprawl, but finding decently prices country land in this state is nearly impossible (similar lots are selling 10 miles from this property in the 500K range...and that's without the stream OR the utility hookups).

[psychopomp]

26. You *are in the boonies already*

Why would your wife look down her nose at a place not far removed from where you are already? And like somebody else said, it's likely not to be the boonies in ten-fifteen years, anyhow.

Best of luck, hope it all works out.

[Xithras]

28. LOL! Most Modestans would take issue with that

It's certainly not a major city, but I think the burbs lose their "boonie" label when they have more than a couple hundred thousand people.

Living here is kind of a compromise already. We're an hour from the Bay Area and "civilization", and 90 minutes to the Sierra Nevada's and "nature". What I never understood until today is that, in her mind, Modesto IS the boonies. Living in an even more remote area apparently conjures images of Old House on the Prarie reruns, and she won't even consider it.

[leftofthedial]

8. buy it anyway

trust me, wives are expendable.

half of marriages end in divorce and two-thirds of the rest are miserable.

One way or another, they'll crap on you and dump you at the drop of a hat. If you don't buy it now, when the shit does down, you'll only have one more regret.

[Susang]

17. That's a really shitty thing to post

Don't dump your baggage on him. You know nothing about the state of his marriage.

[leftofthedial]

30. just suggesting he play the odds

it was cynical and negative and shitty though, wasn't it?

I'm not sure that's my "baggage" particularly, but you're right. I know nothing about the state of his marriage.

(Except that she gave a reflexively bitchy insensitive response to his news and that her response took him totally by surprise.)

[Xithras]

21. California is a community property state.

If I did that she'd divorce me, take half, and make me sell the property as part of the settlement :)

[leftofthedial]

31. maybe you need a different gameplan

divorce settlements truly suck for everyone as far as I can tell

[salin]

9. Talk her into the drive

talk investment potential - as well as possible retirement. Talk about the fact that at this price - even if the real estate market drops and then begins rising - that it would pay off - something that is not the case in much of the nocal region due to far over valued properties.

It sounds amazing.

Good luck.

Remember also, that in these uncertain times (economically) more thatn the "boonies" factor - it could be the price tag - that even at a "steal/bargain" might be a factor in a heels dug in response.

[Catch22Dem]

10. Can you do it w/o her?

Sounds crazy, but just tell her it would be stupid to turn the investment down.

[Hans Delbrook]

11. Not to downplay your misfortune but

If you're really not going to take it <sheepishly> Can someone else have a crack at it?

P.S. I hate the "boonies" too but I figure I'll get over it when I retire and I love Northern California.

[Xithras]

16. LOL, we'll see.

The deal was offered just because the guy has been a close friend of my dads for over 30 years (my dad actually introduced him to his one and only wife 20+ years ago). He offered the deal to my dad (who turned it down...he's overextended and can't afford it) and then to me.

If it's going on the open market, he could get a heck of a lot more for it and he knows it.

[Susang]

13. I would think you would already know her living preferences by now

Or haven't you been married a long time? :shrug:

Marriage is a partnership, corny and cliche, but true. I would never expect my husband to want exactly what I do. When he does it's great, but most of the time it's a compromise.

If he had been given an opportunity like that, he would have already known that living in that environment would kill me. I'm a city girl, through and through. If he really wanted to move, he would ask me and be willing to make some compromises to ensure my happiness as well as his own, not mistake my need for civilization as a love of shopping malls.

[Xithras]

23. I actually thought I did

FWIW, my wife and I have been married 11 years, and she loves the outdoors. She loves hiking, outdoor photography, the works. I've always wanted to move to the countryside myself, and just assumed that she did as well.

What she just told me, in no uncertain terms, is that she likes VISITING the country, but would never want to live there. I find the idea of not having a neighbor within a mile breathtaking, but she apparently found it horrifying and went off about the kids not having anyone to play with.

I'll have to try the investment angle again...

[Susang]

41. I love the country, but would never want to live there either

I'm just surprised you'd never talked about it with her, that's all. My husband knows exactly where I stand, in no uncertain terms. He grew up in the country (Iowa), I grew up in Detroit. I get nervous if I'm not near concrete and steel.

If you really want the place, I'd discuss it as vacation/weekend retreat and an investment opportunity. If she likes to visit the country, that might interest her more than the prospect of living there full time.

[hickman1937]

14. I was married once.

It was like being hit by a bus. I'm thinking that divorce wouldn't be the sweet release that it was for me. I don't know how you guys do the "ok , I love you. so I'll give it up" stuff.
edit for bad spelling

[MichiganVote]

15. Will you marry me? If not me, how about my husband? One of /kids?

Your wife is nuts, buy it anyway.

[hickman1937]

24. LOL, that's my fellow michigander.

I wish I'd bought the 20 acres on Lake Superior in the 70's.

[MichiganVote]

46. I hear ya brother

[eleny]

19. Sounds like the investment of a lifetime

[AlCzervik]

29. i understand your disappointment but really didn't you expect

that reaction from her?

[Xithras]

34. Nope.

As I posted elsewhere in this thread, she enjoys the outdoors and I always thought she shared my dream of living in a more rural area. Turns out that she's only interested in visiting.:shrug:

[AlCzervik]

36. yes, kind of like my husbands dream of retiring someplace

like oh a condo on a golf course, not gonna happen.

[Xithras]

39. Have you ever told him that?

My wife knew about my retirement dream, but never said anything. My guess is that she didn't think it would ever happen and didn't want to hurt my feelings. Since I didn't know where she stood, I assumed we shared that goal.

Make sure he knows that if the opportunity arises, you won't be interested. You can't understand how worked up I got over this deal earlier, and how much of an incredible letdown it was to hear her say she wasn't interested.

The problem at this point is this: Even if she acquiesced tomorrow, I'd know that she was just doing it to make me happy and that it's not what she really wants. I wouldn't do that to her, because no matter how much I'd like the property, she's worth more to me. I'm still going to try to talk her into it as an investment, but I think that any chance of moving out there died during that phone call.

[AlCzervik]

43. oh yes he knows, i am more than willing to compromise

so we are working on a plan. I don't mind the golf thing but i don't want to live in a condo at the course and have lunch at the club, thats not my bag. we are looking up in the fort Bragg area or in Mendicino for some land and he can golf and i can do what i do.

[lastknowngood]

35. If she won't do it how about getting a group of DU'ers to get

together to buy the land as retirement/survival land, remember the shrub could FU the country so bad we'ed be looking for anything close to that.

PM me I'm willing to help!

[mondo joe]

38. Marriage is somewhere between Christmas and being buried alive.

That's what we say at my house.

[chieftain]

40. Life's funny that way . My wife would love that type of property ,

but I would prefer to live in the middle of New York or London . Go figure .

[fluffernutter]

42. i hope she sees the light.

can you stress the "investment" part of that to her?

if not, wanna get married? ;)

[The empressof all]

44. Frame it differently

There's a big difference between retiring somewhere and vacationing there. Talk to her about it as a vacation property. It could be a place to build lifelong memories for your kids (if you have or planning to have) and a spot for the family to get together for years to come. Besides it's an excellent investment that would contribute to your retirement income later on. You can sell it then and reep a profit when you are ready to retire.

If your wife is anything like me the thought of spending my elder years in the boonies, far from family, friends and medical care would be very frightning. She may change her mind as she gets to know the place over time, she may not---But in the meanwhile you'll be developing equity to add to the retirement fund.

Logically it makes sense.

[bearfan454]

45. Buy it no matter how you have to do it.

You won't be sorry. Mrs bearfan didn't want me to buy the 42 acres I deer hunt on. That was 11 years ago. I could make 50k right now if I sold it. I'm keeping it, hunting it, and letting it become more valuable.

[skygazer]

47. Sometimes? n/t

[SarahB]

49. My thoughts as well.

:banghead:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

48. How much does it mean to you?

Some things are worth arguing about, y'know? If she knows it means a lot to you to go look at it, I bet she'll go...

Good luck! :beer:

[jswordy]

50. Buy the land, stay in the city for now.

It will only increase in value. Your wife may think differently later. Either way, you have an investment and also a retirement option.

[gizmo1979]

51. Marriage is a Fine institution

if you want to be confined to one!

[musiclawyer]

52. Near what town is the property?

I live near Murphys ("Carmel" of the mountains") Bought the house for 200K Four years later, house is worth 400K and NOT coming down. Tell her the boonies are now gentrified and that it's now considered the best loaction location location for those bay area types cashing and wanting a touristy place to retire. So if for no other reason, take it for the investment.

[Xithras]

53. Much, much lower than that.

Without getting too specific, let's just say that it's somewhere between Oakdale and La Grange. Way below the pine-line in the rolling oak country.

[Xithras]

54. Update

Thanks to those who replied and gave me a place to vent last night. I talked to my wife and she's willing to look at buying it as an investment, but she's clinging to her statement that she doesn't want to move out of suburbia.

At the very least, I have a few years to work on her now ;)

[Bullwinkle925]

57. Good on You.

At least you got that. I'm batting zero with my spouse.

[Bridget Burke]

67. It sounds like a great investment & a fine vacation spot.

By the time you're ready to retire, it might be more urban. So she'll like it more & you might like it less....

And if she's worried about raising the kids there--they won't be kids forever.

[Bullwinkle925]

55. I completely understand.

I want to move to a smaller town (Bend, Or) and my husband won't think of it. Your wife should reconsider. That property will be worth millions some day. A friend of mine purchased 3 acres for 70K
(in Pioneer, CA) a couple of yrs. ago and now that land is going for
100K per acre. She should think about it seriously.

[R. A. Fuqua]

56. yep--

[Radio_Lady]

58. WOW! I'm ready to divorce my husband and come live with you!

Near Modesto, California -- hey, it sounds delightful! Sorry you don't have a woman to enjoy it with. Did you know how she felt about rural places BEFORE you married her?

I'm thermally and metabolically incompatible with my husband. (He likes hot weather, I like cold weather -- I like mornings, he's best in the evening.) But at least we both agree on places to live.

Sometimes I think it's amazing that we live together for any length of time -- at all! This is my third marriage, and it's stuck together for 32 years. But I don't think I'll do it again...

We're in Portland, Oregon, in a suburban setting on a small lot. Just 1/2 mile away, past what they call the "urban growth boundary", it's all farm and ranch land. I guess still imagine myself a cowgirl (played with horses and dogs when I was a kid) on a ranch somewhere!

[Left Is Write]

59. It sounds fantastic, and SUCH a deal! I hope you can convince her.

[Radio_Lady]

61. Xithras, let us know what happens -- and the best of luck to you!

[China_cat]

62. Dump her and marry me

That's my kind of place.

[guitar man]

63. Buy as an investment

If you are really getting a good deal. Put yourself a little camper/travel trailer or whtever on it and go there some weekends. If she doesn't want to go, fine, go by yourself. She will either get curious and come around or she won't, in which case you will have a fine piece of investment property anyway.

Good Luck!

[musiclawyer]

64. That's pretty country and really not that far

Hell I know people who live at that elevation and work in Modesto, Merced, places like that. You will NOT be far from civilization. And when UC Merced gears up. Watch out! You're gonna make a killing.

[GreenPartyVoter]

65. I'd go with ya :^)

[Withywindle]

66. Ouch.

That's a tough one!

If I can draw on my own family for this:my dad is a nature-loving recluse and my mom an extroverted city girl. We lived in the boonies because of dad's job (they still live there); my mom was miserable for 25 years until they finally had accumulated enough income so that she could travel, which she does incessantly (she teaches and performs and thinks nothing of driving three hours for a gig--she's been to every continent except Australia and Antartica). Dad don't go NOWHERE. He stays put and reads his Proust and plays with the dog and watches the birds. There was a lot of tension between them until they figured out they should each do what makes them happy--and then they have a lot to talk about and no resentments when they meet up again. It sounds like the city is still close enough to this place that you could both have what you wanted to some extent.

(I think your wife is right about raising kids in the middle of nowhere though, just IME. HATED it.)

I think you should fight for it. Respectfully and calmly, of course. None of this refusing-to-even-look-at-it business. It's the opportunity of a lifetime, and she should see the investment potential if nothing else. Do you think maybe she refuses to look at it because she's afraid she'll fall in love with it too, and then she'll have to "back down" or think about changing her lifestyle? 'Cause sometimes folks are stubborn like that. :hi:

[politicat]

68. Okay, here's my take as an urban wife of a country-longing hubby.

We've found several properties that we love up in the middle of nowhere in the mountains. We both adore them... but... we can't make a living up there, and we won't be able to afford the gas to continue to make a living down here in the urban areas for much longer. That Peak Oil thing being a bit of a problem. But to be able to afford the land and the housing up in the Back of Beyond, we have to continue to make a living down here in the urban world. It's really one or the other.

Thus, as much as I'd love the idea of chucking the city and moving to the middle of no where, it's just not possible. It's a pretty dream, but it's not one that we're going to be able to fulfill in the next twenty years.

However, if we were offered an equivalent deal here, we would probably take it as an escape hatch. If you've got water, wood and space, you can pretty much survive anything. And there's always the idea that it can become part of a conservation trust, thus, (at least here in Colorado) getting a tax break. You might want to look into that angle, too.

[merh]

69. Sorry for you - she needs to at least look at it and hear you out.

To dismiss your dreams without trying to understand them is wrong.

I would not pass up the chance. It is an investment and a once in a lifetime offer.

[Niche]

70. BUY IT! You can sell it. Property value is out of

control right now! Don't pass it up. Really. Really think about this before you let it go. You already live in the area anyway... hell, don't live there - SELL IT LATER.

[Skittles]

71. good LORD Xithras, you give up that easily????

If it is such a good deal CONVINCE HER WHY IT IS A GOOD DEAL. Now get to work!