Rules for shopping at Costco

[bif]

(From Craig's list)
Rules for shopping at Costco


1. After you show your card to the front door babe who is too busy to notice because she is flapping her mouth off to another lazy employee about what went on at the club last night, keep your ass moving. Do not stop at the big gigantic stainless steel tool chest(which is useless) or the 900 inch TV. You cant afford that either. You're in the way of people like me who gots to get to the meat section cause I gots a killer BBQ to do tomorrow.

2. Costco was not conceived, financed and built just for you and your slow ass family. When you show up you do not automatically own the place. There's nothing worse than having an urgent need to get in and out of the damn store and I'm stuck behind your big fat flat ass, your pussy whipped dumb ass drooling husband, your 97 year old grandmother, your stuck up teenage daughter and the the little 6 year old "accident" you proudly call Amy who cant keep her spoiled hyperactive ass out of the way of everyone's shopping carts. Maybe she'll learn when I run her little L.L. Bean ass over with a flat cart with a 500lb gun safe on it. Another little shit raised on Dr. Spock books.

3. There's ALWAYS too many people in Costco. Most of them seem to think this is the greatest thing to come along since the whites moved out of South Central L.A. in '65. Please leave the entire family outside and give them enough money to gorge themselves on cheap pizza and hot dogs. Otherwise, keep them the hell out of my way.

4. You look like shit in any of the new clothes there. Keep moving.

5. Costco is not always a bargain. Neither was Fedco. You dont need to horde everthing for the afterlife. Yes, some stuff is unique but there's a reason they dont put unit pricing on everything like they do in supermarkets. That way you cant compare. And since you cant compare please stop worrying out aloud whether or not the salmon will go with the sourdough bread. I dont give a fuck. Put your shit in the basket and get the fuck out of my way.

6. You do realize that you have to buy a lot just to break even on you membership fee? Keep moving please.

7. If your stupid ass cant steer a shopping cart then just stay out of the fuckin store.

8. If you stop to look at ONE of the 425 different Celine Dionne CD' and you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle AND you ignore everyone who need to pass then your ass needs to be dragged out behind the store and shot. At least you wont be in anyone's way anymore, especially mine.

9. We're finally in the dreaded checkout line and unfortunatley you are in front of all of us and we hate you. You have enought food in two carts to feed all the starving children in South America and most of it is strange, off-the-wall expensive boutique shit no one else ever buys. Your Nextel rings and you decide, for whatever goddam reason, that you have to use the walkie-talkie feature so that everyone around can hear.
As if we all didnt know already, you are a person of privelege. You conversation is peppered with the words "checks", "accounts" and "dividends". We sigh. The rest of this conversation usually goes something like this, complete with Nextel and car keys on a soccer mom lanyard in the right hand while placing the boutique food on the belt wth the left hand:

"Yeah, we'll get the boat when we get there. Steve and Barbara have a place for us on their ranch. No, we'll probably go over to Florida after that. Why dont you all meet us there? What? Oh, sure, they just finished tiling the floor in the master guest room yesterday so by the time you get there everything should be fine. Yeah. No, the horses will be there by Thursday. Uh huh. Yeah, Tina will be coming in from Vermont on Wednesday and she'll bring the papers with her. I know, I can hardly wait...".

10. You know what? Fuck you, fuck Steve and Barbara, fuck Tina, fuck the guest house, fuck the boat, the motherfuckin horses and fuck your wonderful life. Move the goddam baskets forward bitch. I dont have all day for this bullshit.

11. Granny is dressed in all black, is obviously from some ancient far away civilization and is staring everyone in the store like they have the plague. Next time, ask her what she wants at Costco and leave her old ass at home next to her alter and candles and shit. She's giving everyone the creeps. She's probably putting a hex on everyone. I thought I saw her sneak into her purse and throw some strange powder on some poor kid when he wasnt looking. I got out of her way. I already have enough damn problems.

12. For the love of Sister Mary Joseph look at yourself in the mirror before you come to Costco. You cant get much worse than somone's 48 year old mom with a gigantic flat ass wearing pink capri spandex pant, toes that hang over the edge of sandals, huge 54DD hanging titties underneath a cheap tank top with no bra and a big ass pale peek-a-boo belly button with a tatto on it. Come on people, give us a goddam break please. I was gonna have a hot dog and pretzel after this. Shit.

13. SPEAK ENGLISH. I'd like to know what the hell all the excitement is over a large box of fruit roll-ups and why all twelve members of your family are having a cow over it in the middle of the aisle. Please put the damn box in your cart and dance around it at home. And get the hell out of my way, please.

14. Oops. I just ran over Amy's little L.L. Bean ass with the flat cart that has the 500lb gun safe on it, 20lbs of ribs, various spices, 5 gallons of ice cream, two watermelons and a box of chocolate covered rasins. Lil bitch was in my way.
She'll feel better when she gets to Florida.

Buck the dog

[Richardo]

1. Greatest. Rant. Ever.

'Dance around it when you get home.' HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA :D

[radwriter0555]

2. oh help me, that IS los angeles.

Nailed it down to the floor with 1000 nails, didn't he?

Way too funny.

[Dr.Phool]

3. Why were you there?

It was probably worse at Scams Club.

[Worst Username Ever]

12. It is from craig's list n/t

[LynneSin]

4. Not to pop your bubble, but Costco is a great progressive company

For the fact that people who work there not only make decent wages but they get benefits to boot. We need more Costcos and less Walmarts

[vi5]

8. It seemed more directed at the habits of the clientele....

..than the store itself. I shop at Costco pretty much exclusively because I want to support a good progressive company. But pretty much everything that person ranted about is something I experience EVER SINGLE TIME I go to the store (except for the racist aspects of #13).

[Pawel K]

9. exactly

My friend works there as a bagger/cashier and she makes nearly as much as I do at my desk job but gets a lot more benefits.

[4_Legs_Good]

17. I'm kinda split on Costco...

I know it's blue, but isn't it destructive to local businesses? I'm very glad to hear that the employees make a living wage with benefits. Are they allowed to unionize?

It's mainly my fear that they're bad for local businesses, but they really don't compete in the same markets. Plus Costcos don't have everything variety wise. If you need a case of Red Bull (which I do - OFTEN!) or a 1/2 gallon of tequila (which I also do OFTEN!), then it's great and I guess that takes business away from the vending machine and the liquor store, but it's not *that* bad.

Nowhere near as destructive as a WalMart, which I know from personal experience really destroys communities.

Curious about your thoughts. I've been a Costco addict for years and I've always harbored a bit of guilt about it.

david

[bif]

24. I'm personally split on it too

I enjoy the bargains and they have some pretty high-end food. (I love to cook and eat). We shop there about once a week and i feel guilty about not supporting my local grocery store. But I also shop at this little mest market a couple times a week as well as Krogers. And I heard they're good to their employees, unlike Wal-Mart who not only destroys small businesses but won't let their employees unionize.

[LynneSin]

25. Yes, about 13% of costco employees are unionized

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/business/166680_costco29.html

[vi5]

29. I've always thought that if a company treats it's people right...

..there would be no need for Unions. I'm pro union. But I have experience working at companies on shop floors where outsiders were always trying to unionize the workers but they had no interest. The owners and managers treated everyone fairly and with respect and they knew that they would get nothing more from them by being unionized then they already do.

[4_Legs_Good]

35. That's true, but if a company forbids unionization by actively

trying to undermine it and destroy any chance of unionizing, they're obviously up to no good.

A good company would not see any real threat by unionization, I would think. And then, as you say, employees would see very little need to unionize.

david

[vi5]

37. I agree....my comment was more a personal aside...

13% union doesn't seem like much. But my point was that could be more a testament to the quality of the company and the way it treats its employees rather than their hindering of unionization.

[4_Legs_Good]

42. Of course, of course

:)

david

[4_Legs_Good]

31. Fantastic... much better than Walmart which closes stores

when there's a serious threat of unionization.

great article btw!

Thanks!!

:)

david

[silverweb]

32. There are a few things to consider.

(1) Costco doesn't carry 5,000,000 brands and styles of foreign-made crap. It carries very limited brands/styles of items that are of excellent quality for the money, often in bulk for small business owners and not appropriate for singles or small families.

(2) Even though Costco may qualify as a "big box" store that might put a bit of a dent in some local businesses, because of #1 above, any negative impact is minimized. Many people are unwilling to pay an annual membership fee that provides only limited choices and savings for them.

(3) Everything LynnSin said about Costco in posts #4 and #25. :)

As for my family, we use our nearby Costco for gas and for certain staple items that are worth buying in quantity, as well as for occasional small appliances/special purchases.

[sbj405]

43. They are known for treating and paying employees well

$15.97/hr is their average. WalMart claims around $10/hr

"Even the Teamsters, which represents one-sixth of Costco's 103,000 workers, are a little alarmed over Costco's approach to employees. "It almost scares me," says Rome Aloise, head of the local that represents Costco workers. "Their generosity might be the chink in their armor.""
http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/retail/2004-09-23-costco_x.htm



CEO limits his salary to, I believe, $250k.

[4_Legs_Good]

46. I LOVE CEO limited salaries

I particularly like them when they're linked to the lowest earner, like Ben & Jerry's used to be.

cool!

david

[progmom]

5. yikes

Some anger issues. And #13 - wtf?

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

6. THAT nails it. Racist fuckwad.

My spider sense started a low buzz when I saw it was a rant against Costco. I learned to trust it.

[Bridget Burke]

20. I found it mildly amusing until that bit....

Wonder who actually wrote this?

[fudge stripe cookays]

39. Yep, here too.

I've read some horribly freeper-like nastiness on Craig's List, same as anywhere else.

I've never had the problems described above. Seemed pretty harsh to me.

The only gripe I have about the Costco I got to are all the W stickers in teh parking lot (it's in Plano).

But then I think how ignorant the stupid motherfuckers are, giving their red dollars to a nice blue company, and I feel this nice little glow inside.

FSC

[GiovanniC]

58. When I Used to Go to Wal-Mart

People in this town acted like it was an amusement park or something. They would push their carts through the front doors and then just slow WAAAAAAAY down and just kind of gaze around, lost. In the grocery aisles, these moronic buffalo would park their carts kitty-corner in the middle of the damned aisle while they went off on a magical quest for Ranch salad dressing three aisles away.

But it seemed like that although that happens in most stores, the frequency with which it happened was pretty unique to walmart.

[Pawel K]

7. But I don't mind standing 2 hours in line for those amazing chicken wings

[tridim]

10. No matter how crowed it is.. Checkout is always fast

The only part I really don't like about Costco is the traffic jams at the free food kiosks. Grab your freaking meatball and keep moving people!

Edit: I break even on my membership JUST with three bags of coffee. It's a hell of a deal. Coffee is about 1/10th the price of the grocery story. Then there's milk, eggs, vegetables, nuts, DVD's.. All much cheaper than normal retail.

[LisaM]

11. Could the writer USE the word "ass" more often?

If this person needs to get through in a big hurry, perhaps Costco isn't for him/her. I like shopping there and go after work - it's never as he/she describes except on weekends. But then, so is everywhere.

[sui generis]

26. Sam's Club, Dallas

I've been to every one of them and they make CostCo look like day spa at Buckingham Palace.

I'm almost tempted to say he changed the name to protect the guilty.

[demnan]

13. Well, bif, why don't you tell us how you really feel?

You know I hate those places. I would spend too much money there if I were shopping in that place so I don't go. I live alone. All I need is the salad bar, a chicken and some pet food. I'm a person of simple needs, thank whatever.

[bif]

15. I didn't write it!

[bif]

14. Hey, I love Costco

I've been a member for about 5 years. I just thought this rant from Craig's List was pretty amusing.

[Glenda]

47. I love craigslist...

Although some of the people can go overboard at times. Was this in the Rants and Raves section?

Plus, Craig is quite progressive politically

[RagingInMiami]

16. Good, honest, stream of consciousness rant

As a Latino, I am NOT offended by 13. We do tend to dramatize the simple things in life.

If you think Latinos are passionate about fruit roll ups, you should see how we are about love-making.

[demnan]

19. Now that would make me want to go to Cosco!

[4_Legs_Good]

21. "If you think Latinos are passionate about fruit roll ups..."

Best line EVER

:)

david

[Bouncy Ball]

28. We have no way of knowing the people were Latino, though.

They could have just as easily been Chinese or Vietnamese or Kuwaiti.

[RagingInMiami]

33. True

But in Miami, that same scene is replayed in every store at every hour in Spanish, so that's the first thing that came to mind.

[Bouncy Ball]

34. Here, too, LOL.

Though mostly the Hispanics, even fresh from Mexico, are too cool to get excited over a box of Fruit Roll-Ups. Asians, I can see that (and have, actually).

[RagingInMiami]

36. You should see my how it is when my Colombian family is in town

Or when I go to Bogota to visit them.

For example, we're at the bakery buying pastries for the family.

And it's like, how much do we buy, no, that's too much, no, it's not enough, no, tia blanca doesn't like coconut, yea, but uncle carlitos doesn't like cream, oh, but look at the pastries over here, yes, take those pastries out of the box cause we now want these, on second thought, take those out of the box and put the first ones back in, ok, let's just get two boxes.

Great, let me pay, no I'll pay, you paid last time, no, this is my invitation, put that money away, no, this is my invitation, you bought the coffee two weeks ago, do you think two boxes is enough, what if nobody likes the pastries we ordered, what if we have company and we need more, ok, i'll pay, no, i'll pay.

[Bouncy Ball]

38. That reminds me of so many different families.

I have to say the most generous people I have ever met in my life come from Hispanic countries and African countries (I know I'm generalizing but from my experience, it's true). I don't know why that is. They just are. You are like part of their family and they just give and give and give, expecting nothing in return.

I have gone to quinceneras so many times and been treated with such honor (as a teacher of the child turning 15). Dancing and eating and drinking until 3 am with all the girl's uncles. And I know they could hardly afford another guest, but they didn't think twice about it.

I love families like yours. They seem so much more ALIVE.

[RagingInMiami]

41. Yes, my family is overdramatic, but very generous and welcoming

[AntiCoup2K4]

18. This guy must shop at the same Costco that I do.

I easily recognize half the people on that list.

[hippiechick]

22. LOLOLOLOL !!!

YOU MADE MY DAY !!!!!!

[Maine Mary]

56. Why is this amusing to you?

:shrug:

[Lex]

23. I'm always EXTRA slow for Bubbas with ribs and an attitude. nt

[Bouncy Ball]

27. This has GOT to be written by someone who lives in LA

or in the northeast.

I NEVER hear conversations like that and I NEVER see 98 year old women dressed all in black from the Old Country. Never.

He sounds very unhappy to be living there, too.

And the speak English bullshit gets me pissed off. What I would say to him is: no one HAS to speak English and believe me, they AREN'T talking about your paranoid ass, so move it along, asswipe.

[Nevernose]

57. That was my first thought, too. (n/t)

[bif]

30. Here's a more articulate version

Again from Craig's List (i.e. I didn't write it)
You might have seen me if you shop at Costco-Livermore. I'm the no-nonsense customer striding purposefully down the aisles, pulling products from shelves and out of coolers. If I seem in a hurry, it's because I am. I'm shopping for my business, so I'm working. And every minute I spend here is one where I'm not making any money. Consequently, I'm one of those rare Costco customers who is here to shop, pay, and leave in as little time as possible. The way I see it, it's customers like me who pay the bills, not those no-life borderline retards who spend hours munching on free samples, reading entire books in the literary section, and leaning on empty shopping carts like walkers, while socializing with the other leeches. Given the chance, I would take each of you aside, customer and employee alike, and explain to you why you make shopping at Costco my most hated weekly activity. See if you can recognize yourself on this list.

The Aisle-Blocker -- What's truly impressive is not that you weigh over 500 lbs and still manage to hoist yourself vertical long enough to shop at Costco. It's not that you have a sister/daughter/aunt/friend who closely challenges you for girth. It's how the two of you manage to position yourselves and your two shopping carts so precisely as to completely block an aisle ten feet wide, without the use of laser-guided surveying equipment. As you pant and snort your way down the aisle, stopping every five feet to catch your breath, you resemble nothing more than two dirigibles constructed from pea-green stretch pants. "Excuse me, wideload", I'm dying to say, "Would you kindly consider moving your fat ass six inches to one side so that folks who are actually moving can pass?" But I know from experience that it's just faster to backtrack and loop all the way around in front of you than to wait while you complete this highly strenuous manoeuvre. Others who fall into this category are The Elderly Relative (what kind of assclown brings a disoriented centenarian, confined to a wheelchair and unable to breath without an oxygen bottle, to a warehouse for an outing?), and the Mom With Eight Rugrats (hanging off the cart or orbiting unpredictably around her).

The Free Sample Buzzard -- Can we do something about the practice of leaving your cart sideways in the middle of the aisle while you rush off to stuff your face? Believe me, it only takes a second to push it to the side of the aisle, and no longer than that to move it back into the flow of traffic. I know the satisfaction of not acting like an inconsiderate asshat means nothing to you, so let me explain the benefit in a way that does. If you block shoppers like me, who just want to pass, we might be tempted to move in on "your" free samples, since we can't do anything else until you move. Now, you don't want *that*, do you? There's another odd ritual involving the free sample kiosks that I don't quite understand. It occurs while waiting for the next batch of samples to be prepared, and is like a reverse version of musical chairs. The Buzzards mill around the general area, nudging their carts along listlessly. The *bing* of the microwave is like the crack of a starters pistol, as the Buzzards abandon their carts in place and hurl themselves at the tasty snacks. It's too bad that you had to knock over The Elderly Relative in your mad rush, but who knows when Costco might be giving away free samples again? Maybe the concussion will knock some sense back into that bony old blue-hair.

The Cashier -- How am I? In a hurry. The fact that I am already filling out my check or packing my shit into the cart should make that clear to an experienced professional like yourself. Kindly focus your efforts on making sure that I don't have to be here one minute longer than is absolutely necessary. And please don't take it personally when I grunt a non-answer to your grindingly unfunny joke about the large number of corn dogs, French bread pizzas, and Philly cheese steak sandwiches I'm buying. Aside from the fact that I hear some variant of it every week, the last time I gave my stock answer -- "It's for my business" -- the cashier (male, of course) held up the box of Light Days he just scanned and asked in a louder voice than necessary if this was for my business, too. In addition, not answering you intelligibly slightly lowers the probability that you will make your pitch about Saving Me 2% On My Purchases! I know it's your job to ask, and you have -- nearly every week for the past two years. It's *not* your job, you smirky, window-licking frat boy, to smugly demand "Don't you like saving money?" when I decline your offer. Just shut your gub until it's time to announce my total, and we'll both be rid each other that much faster.

The "Bagger" -- I know you guys have your "systems" for filling my cart. I have a system, too, which is this: I want to leave with everything I've paid for. Not unreasonable, yes? So if you *are* going to set things aside to pack them more efficiently later, make sure everything ends up in the cart. And speaking of packing efficiency, how is it that I can pack a cart only up to the top edge, and you -- who have 500 times more experience packing carts than I do -- can hardly fit this into one cart?

The Final Indignity -- You, the receipt-examiner at the exit of the store, are the human equivalent of a car alarm. Ostensibly a crime-deterrent, you actually serve no practical purpose other than being an intense annoyance. Legally, I'm not required to put up with this charade; I can breeze right past you, and you know it. However, I don't want to bust your chops for this stupid ass-covering exercise that some some seat-sniffing ex-MP security dweeb from Costco Corporate dreamed up. I know that you are just doing your job and take more of the infantile level of shit than anyone else at Costco. So let's make an arrangement: I'll submit to stopping and handing you my receipt; you stripe it with your marker and skip the part where you pretend to check it against the contents of my cart.

And now...finally...all the crap is loaded into my van, and I am headed for THE EXIT. Could the sight of the Pearly Gates themselves produce such joy and anticipation? Now if only these two fat aisle-blocking cows, slowly waddling down the middle of the traffic lane, would get the fuck out of the way.

[Rabrrrrrr]

40. That's beautiful! I hate the *@*&^$%# aisle-blocking filth

whther they're fat or thin, they piss me the hell off. MOVE YER GODDAMNED CART AND STAND IN A LINE PARALLEL, NOT PERPENDICULAR, TO THE AISLE YOU STUPID BOVINE FUCKS!!

[tjwash]

45. "the human equivalent of a car alarm."

BAWAHAHAHAHHA

:rofl:

[Glenda]

55. This one's even funnier than the first one!

Thanks for posting

:rofl:

[Nevernose]

62. Actually, you are legally required to stop for that charade

At least in this state.

[Bunny]

44. Wow. What douchebag wrote this?

I'd say he has issues that revolve around more than just shopping at Costco. He's probably the same ass that cuts you off on the highway, because of course HIS time is more important than yours. :eyes:

I can assure you there is no one more impatient than I am, but this guy is a dick.

[bif]

48. Kick for the late-night crowd

[Maine Mary]

49. You need help buddy...

Holy Shit!

[bif]

50. Again. I didn't write it.

Just thought it was pretty amusing.

[bridgit]

51. our's is simple = take at least $100...

[InvisibleTouch]

52. Obviously written by a Type-A person. ;) n/t

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

53. I thought ROTFLMAO was just an expression before

Until I actually became a practitioner of it after reading this rant. I love it!!!

[hickman1937]

54. Why would that asshole need a gun safe for a barbeque?

Unfortunatly, I recognize most of the people that pissed him off, from my trips to CostCo, but, all things being equal, I'd rather shop with the them than go to that barbeque.

[NV Whino]

59. And now you know why I didn't renew my CostCo membrship.

[Nevernose]

60. Assholes like this shoot people on the freeway

He really needs to relax. This guy'll be dead of a heart attack before he hits fifty, or worse yet unload on someone on the freeway. Normally, I don't advocate illegal drug use. But this guy seriously needs some motherfucking medical marijuana.

And why the fuck is his barbecue tomorrow more important than my desire to price a 900 inch TV today? He doesn't own a fucking TV?

And just where does he put his cart when he's loading up on corn dogs and philly cheese steaks? And he sells that crap to people and then gets pissed off at fat folks?

And no, Costco isn't always a bargain. But you know what? You won't know what is and isn't a bargain unless you stop long enough to check the prices, and perhaps do the long division in your head.

And Costco WAS, in fact, conceived, financed and built just for them and their slow ass family. It was NOT conceived for rude, impatient, assholes who think they're in a fucking 7-11 and came in for three goddamned things. That's why they sell by the case and give you jumbo-sized shopping carts, moron.

And if some impatient dickweed hits my kid's little LL Bean because he's so fucking impatient and uptight that he's got his panties in a wad, that's one jackass that WILL be exiting the store missing some teeth, if not on a stretcher. Battery's only a misdemeanor in this state, a ticket or maybe a night in jail, and I am just the kind of lard-assed aisle-blocker capable of kicking this fucker in his teeth, and who doesn't mind spending a night on a concrete floor with crack dealers and transvestite prostitutes just for the opportunity.

So go on and hit little Amy. I dare you.

I have to agree with him about the walkie-talkie feature, though. Those assholes are even worse than the impatient assholes.

[BiggJawn]

61. Buck the Dog needs to get laid worse than I do.

So he has a "killer BBQ" to do tomorrow? shouldn't take him long to get back to the meat case and get a pack of Ball Parks for him and his blind cocker spaniel, since that's the only thing that can stand to be around Buck's fat, flat BITTER ass.

Wonder if Buck the Dog and Style Man from Bicycling Magazine are lovers?