Is it possible for a single woman and a married man to be only friends?

[Maddy McCall]

I thought it was, but my experience is that the wife became extremely jealous of the friendship and did everything she could to sabotage it, even though I had gone out of my way to befriend and include her. She stooped so low as to lie to her husband that I had been ugly to their daughter, which is bullshit, because I have always treated their daughter like a princess.

The husband gave in to the wife, which I suggested that he do, because I didn't want to be the cause of a divorce.

What are your experiences?

[Ellen Forradalom]

1. I wouldn't mind

if my husband made friends with a woman, single or married. He's friends with a female colleague whom I like very much.

[Maddy McCall]

5. You are a wonderful wife.

The one in this situation was awfully insecure in her marriage. They had separated once, and only got back together because she ended up pregnant after one of his "visits" to her while they were separated. Yet he loved her, and they overcame their problems. Still, she could not feel that their marriage was secure. So any woman who came around was a potential threat.

:shrug:

Like I said, I befriended her--or tried to--and made a point never to go anywhere alone with him so that she would not be jealous. I even stopped by just to visit her frequently. Not good enough for her. She even accused me of having an affair with him after she sabotaged the friendship with their daughter, who adored me.

The only conclusion I've been able to come to is that the wife is seriously mentally disturbed. :shrug:

[Ellen Forradalom]

17. I'm not a wonderful wife

I just don't really care who my husband makes friends with. My husband is not a pathological horndog who is only looking out for the main chance. I've had BFs who thought with the wrong head and I was a lot more jealous.

[Longgrain]

2. I don't know, as a single man, I've been "only friends" with many

a married women. Some who I've openly told I was attracted to them.

They usually just tell me I'm sweet, and we just leave it at that.

I don't know too many single women obviously.

[miss_kitty]

3. yes

it's possible

[xultar]

4. It is possible but often the wife gets very jealous and makes it tough

for the guy.

I try to steer clear just for that reason.

[Maddy McCall]

11. Exactly my experience.

It takes a very secure woman with healthy self-esteem to allow extramarital friendships between hubby and a single woman.

[LynzM]

18. This is my take, as well.

It depends on how secure the couple is in their relationship, how honest with each other, and the single woman's intentions. It can happen, but I'd say there is enough insecurity in many relationships that it would cause a strain, even if everyone was honest. So, works for some, not for others.

[disgruntled_goat]

6. no.

just...no.

[Thtwudbeme]

7. I have been married almost 2 years now; my 2 experiences have been

bad-

Both women friends with Michael before we met.

Neither of them have ever said one word to me; neither of them congratulated him on his wedding. One quit speaking to him for over a year--despite repeated attempts on his part to contact her.

Frankly, I thought it was pretty weird behavior....but, here's the kicker....guess who they BOTH think is a jealous bitch??

btw--I am 41--have had friends and ex-boyfriends get married...ALL of their wives with the exception of one like me, and keep in touch with me more than the guys do.

Interestingly, the aforementioned one who quit speaking for over a year treats me like I am the "other woman."

Stephanie

[Lydia Leftcoast]

49. Hmmm, sounds like they thought they had first dibs on him

even though he thought they were "just friends."

[LisaL]

8. Yes, it's possible, from a personal experience.

[Technowitch]

9. It's perfectly possible

In fact, it is possible for ANY two people to be "only friends."

It makes me crazy when someone presumes that just because one is married, one is never again allowed to have a friend who is the same gender as one's spouse.

I mean, really! Yeesh.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

10. Same as yours

I've been witness to marriages actually imploding when I came on the scene. That was not just because of my friendship with the husband - once, it was the wife and I who found each other years after high school, and the husband went nuts. He had managed to keep her essentially locked up for all those years. They divorced.

My experience, from both sides, is that it's almost impossible for a married man and a single woman to remain just friends. Sooner or later, the sexual issue looms large, even if it's only in the man's wife's head.

Yes, an insecure wife will lie to protect what she has. I understand that. It's hurtful to you, and it seems dreadfully unfair, but you might see it differently when you're married and - maybe - confronted with an issue like this.

A single woman is a powerful and dangerous thing. Revel in it, honey, but take your game to where the men aren't married.

[Maddy McCall]

12. I know you speak the truth...

but we were BEST FRIENDS. We had been the closest of friends long before they got married. I was very happy for both of them when they married, and I did everything I could to show the wife that I was no threat to her.

But what you say here is so true:

"My experience, from both sides, is that it's almost impossible for a married man and a single woman to remain just friends. Sooner or later, the sexual issue looms large, even if it's only in the man's wife's head."

[LisaL]

13. Single man and a woman can be just friends as well.

[LisaL]

16. If a sexual issue is going to come up,

I presume it wouldn't matter if both are married.

[SarahB]

14. Only recently becoming single.

In my experiences thus far, it gets a bit complicated. Even when I was married, I often found myself more comfortable talking with men than women, but between jealous wives and my possessive husband, it never worked out much beyond a few conversations. It's hard for me too when I like a man as a person to not begin to think of him sexually and well, that gets complicated if one is married (nope, I never acted upon it). Some of that I wonder now if it was more about just my general feeling of being stifled/trapped in my marriage or just an innate quality of myself.

So many men I know (most of them in fact) are married and I can see it becoming even worse now. Oh well, at least I won't have to deal with any junk on my end anymore. :(

[SarahB]

37. I just wanted to say...

By "not act upon it", I mean I never cheated during my marriage despite quite a few opportunities, one close call, and being very much incompatible on far too many levels. I feel as though whatever bounds are within a marriage that feel comfortable to both people should be respected on some level. Ideally, those are clear before marriage (either in regard to friendship or beyond that for some) and if not, hopefully it can be worked out. For us, we couldn't come to a reasonable compromise on this stuff and I couldn't live comfortably at what he was comfortable with (for him that pretty much meant my every free second was for him and him only even in terms of friendships), so that was that.

Maybe it's not so much as what's "right or wrong", but making sure you and your partner are on the same page to begin with (whatever that may be) or can come to some type of compromise along the way as to avoid or minimize these kinds of conflicts.

[Dastard Stepchild]

15. It depends on the man and the woman...

I have some male friends who would do best to stick with male friends once they are married because of their roaming ways. Of course, they may change when they marry, especially if they find themselves with a really great partner.
I do think it is possible, though. Even if there is a sense of sexual attraction, it can be acknowledged and then left at that. And if there is no attraction, even easier. I wouldn't err on the side of caution and say that a woman could never be friends with a married man- rather, I would see if the friendship could work and reevaluate if things get sticky.

[phaseolus]

19. Yes.

I'm a married man with at least a dozen single female friends... most of whom I only know through the internet.

It does annoy my wife. I've been expressly forbidden from meeting any of them in person during business trips, though I've met a few anyway without telling her. Nothing naughty happened, they're just simple friendships.

[valis]

21. Really? What makes you think I would not find out?

You are so sleeping on the sofa!!!!!!

[JanMichael]

23. That's just tacky

When she says she doesn't trust you, you have got to know in your heart that she has a reason to.

It's not just about sex, it's about telling the truth.

Stephanie

[greatauntoftriplets]

27. Does your wife meet other men without your knowing?

And how do you feel about that?

[phaseolus]

36. Yes.

And I'm okay with that.

It's like this, it gets complicated --

It didn't happen a lot, but she's told me after the fact about running into, on a couple occasions more or less at random while out shopping, 1. old boyfriend who still kind of has a crush on her, and 2. a friend of said old boyfriend. They've bought her lunch. I even got my wife to admit that old boyfriend kissed her once.

It's no biggie. Old boyfriend is safely back in Ireland now which makes it easy to trust her, but I really do trust my wife not to get emotionally involved with anyone else. Fully, completely, 100 percent.

The trouble is that she had a different old boyfriend who did cheat on her on multiple occasions. Even though I've been completely faithful through almost 13 years of marriage and for the entire time we dated before that, she STILL doesn't trust *me* because of her experience with *that* assclown. 50 years from now, she still won't completely trust me. (For years I couldn't even use the word "freedom" in a sentence, in the context of for example 'freedom to go to the bookstore once in a while' because that was the word he used to justify his sleeping around. I had to banish that word from my vocabulary to keep fights from starting.)

I promised to be faithful to my wife. I always have been. I will continue to be. That's the standard I've set for myself & will continue to live up to, forever, just like I've promised. But will she ever have the same trust in me that I have of her?? That's just not gonna happen, ever. And it's not my fault.

Yes, in an ideal world, she'd have a husband who was completely respectful of every one of her wishes, even when away. But in an ideal world, I'd have a spouse who wasn't unreasonable about her husband having female friends and acquaintances and who doesn't seethe whenever a female stranger even talks to me. (Let me note here that I've never kissed any of them.) There's many more unreasonable rules I have to comply with, and she no doubt would have more complaints about me if you asked her.

It's not a perfect situation but we're kind of stuck with each other, and the marriage works somehow. And so as not to be henpecked to death with restrictions on my every thought and action, I control my own life in small ways when I can. Without asserting a very small measure of independence I'd be a VERY unhappy man and the marriage WOULD fail.

[xmas74]

20. I've pulled it off before.

Just depends on how open the lines of communication are between all three. Also helps if you are friends with the wife too.

[Maddy McCall]

22. Actually, I met both of your criteria...

but the wife could never overcome her suspicion and jealousy of me. Not my fault...I did all that I could.

[xmas74]

24. Then the wife needs some therapy.

[JanMichael]

26. Wouldn't it be interesting to hear the wife's side of this story?

I am not saying the original poster is wrong, but I think judging the wife from this thread is pretty bad.

The original poster never said one thing: did she like this woman? Or was she just trying to learn to like her for the sake of her original friendship?

Stephanie

[xmas74]

30. But I've gone through this before too.

A few I have been able to be friends w/ the husband and the wife. One I was not able to be friends w/ the wife. Why? She was too insecure. She stated that she had fought too hard to get married and that there would be no woman getting into the marriage. I explained to her that we were just friends(worked together, played co-ed softball together, etc) and that we even had children the same age. She stated that no man and woman could be just friends-she knew she couldn't.
She needed therapy.

[JanMichael]

31. And so, because the few details that you have heard remind you of

your bad experience.....see where I am coming from?

I am sure it's painful for women when their male friends get married and the friendship ends....but, tired of seeing the wife always get the "insecure" rap for it.

I am posting under my husband's name; My DU name is Thtwudbeme, and I am also on this thread under that name.

Be very careful of assuming you know the full story on an internet board....you don't know the details.

And you can assume that I am a jealous bitch if you want to! ;)

[mac56]

25. Absolutely.

I have lots of single woman friends. My lovely wife also has single male friends. It has never become an issue.

If a wife is threatened by her husband's woman friends, or a husband by his wife's male friends, they need to look at their own behavior.

I dated a woman who was insanely jealous of and threatened by my platonic woman friendships. Did everything she could do to keep me away from them. So why did we break up? I found out she was screwing another guy on the side.

[Nicole]

28. yes it's possible

My best friend of 25 years is a male. I was best woman at their wedding.

Early in their engagement I invited her out for dinner & some girl talk. I let her know upfront that his happiness was very important to me & I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize his happiness. Which meant her happiness was important to me too because if the wife ain't happy.......

I asked her if she ever felt uncomfortable with our relationship, to please let me know. I let her know that it was her call to make if he & I went somewhere without her. I told her she never had to refuse him seeing me, she could call me & I would cancel the plans so she didn't come off as the bad guy. Just hearing me say that eased her mind. She has only done it once, I think as a test to see if I was serious or if would I run tell him. I was serious & I didn't tell him.

That was over 10 years ago & I count her as a close friend today. She calls me now & asks me to take him to dinner or for drinks when she thinks he needs time out. Or she is sick of his whining. :evilgrin:

[datasuspect]

29. eh . . . hang out in a barber shop long enough,

you're gonna get a haircut.



sorry, biology often trumps idealism in situations like these.


too much room for conflict of interest.

[Withywindle]

32. Haha, that's funny you ask this today

One of my best friends (male) is getting married in a month or so, I was just part of a good-sized delegation of women at his fiancee's bridal shower who were friends with him first for years. One has played in a band with him since '97. I've known him since '98.

None of us have ever been romantically involved with him or seriously wanted to be, none of us have any intention of giving him up as a friend. Fortuntely his fiancee's not in the least bit a paranoid control freak (the relationship would never have gotten that far if she were). If she did, we would advise him to dump her; that's never good.

I don't believe spouses have the right to dictate who their spouse's friends are (barring, you know, dangerous criminals. Or not wanting to hang out jointly with someone you really can't stand) and you have to be pretty controlling and petty to want to try.

[Lilith Velkor]

33. Not if he's married to an insecure biyotch. n/t

[chaska]

34. My friend Annie has had that same experience, exactly.

[Kat45]

35. Yes. But of course it depends on the individuals involved.

I'm a single woman and most of my friends are men, many of them married. Some have been friends since college; one was my college boyfriend. I got to know their wives when they were going out with them, before they got married. I know their kids too.

These days, most people I meet are married, men and women. I have some new friends who are married men, and I don't think their wives have any problem with it (at least I haven't heard anything).

[imenja]

38. men themselves avoid it

I don't know if they are afraid we're after them or they might feel tempted. I would NEVER make any kind of a pass at a married man, but it is something that has puzzled me. Once I got divorced, men I'd been friends with suddenly felt uncomfortable around me. I also lost a great deal of weight at that same time.

[realisticphish]

39. honestly

i think one reasion is that we are often assumed to be horndogs who will stop at nothing to get sex from anyone, anytime, anywhere. simply being near a single woman opens one up to suspicion from some people :shrug:

[Lilith Velkor]

50. I'm so damn sick of those people

It should be legal to take a baseball bat to them. :grr:

[samplegirl]

40. YES with a capitol Y

My neighbor and I were good friends we confided in each other.
It was a wonderful friendship he has since moved but we still keep
in touch.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

41. Of course it's possible

Like any other friendship it depends on the people involved.

It sounds like your friends wife has some personal issues and took it out on you. It must suck to be her.

[smoogatz]

42. Depends.

If all three parties involved are old enough to require Depends, then yes.

[Floogeldy]

43. Is it possible for a single woman and a married man to be only friends?

Sure. But it will reap havoc on the guy's marriage.

Bad idea.

I would not be comfortable, if not hurt and jealous, if my wife hung out with a guy and told me, "We're just friends."

I'm sure most women feel the same way.

In a perfect world with trusting relationships full of honesty and devoid of human factors, okay.

But that world is not reality.

[aquaman]

44. I have been happily married for going on eight years....

I'm male, one of my best friends in the world is a female. My wife is cool with it. It is possible for guys and girls to be friends without having sex.

[mtnsnake]

45. My wife wouldn't care as long as the single woman was a lesbian

Anything else and you can forget about it. :nuke:

[leftofthedial]

46. for a few more months, I am a married man

and most of my friends are women

We're divorcing, but to my knowledge my friends have nothing to do with it

[SW FL Dem]

47. I'm a married woman and my hubby has female friends

I am not threatened. I trust him. I think your friend's wife was too insecure.

[Seabiscuit]

48. I think it depends on how much time they spend together and what they do

with that time. If it's a casual thing and doesn't interfere with the marital relationship, fine. But if the wife finds the husband is spending time with his female friend that she thinks he should be spending with her, then it's crossed the line, regardless of how "innocent" the relationship may be.