I would appreciate your thoughts on this post/thread (personal issue)

[rockymountaindem]

Please check here:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=273&topic_id=22113&mesg_id=22113

And let me know your thoughts. I've been thinking about this friend of mine recently and I wish she were here with me. Read that thread and you'll find out why. Thanks!

[Aiptasia]

1. ask her...

What the deal is. She might have been abused, but she might just be painfully shy too.

It might be fun to see how she reacts when she gets a little liquor (or pot, poison of choice) in her. Not that i'm saying that's a free ticket to sleep with her, it's just that IMHO shy, introverted people usually REALLY go overboard and come way out of their shells when they're toe up from the flo up.

If you're both good friends, tell her you worry about her not risking relationships with guys, and try to see what the deal is. She might be gay. She may have been abused. She might be straight as an arrow and has no idea how to be comfortable around guys. You tell us!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. Good morning, rockymountaindem,

I think that your assessment is completely accurate. It just says all over it (your friend's behavior, that is) that she was abused and probably by some trusted male in her younger years. She is just crying out for help, and she really needs it. Could be she has scars, the physical kind, or could be she's using her clothing to hide her body so no-one will see it. A sort of protection. I must commend you for proceeding cautiously with her. As you witnessed when your friend kissed her, any such contact will drive her away, both physically and psychologically. She needs professional help and the sooner the better. Perhaps someone else here at DU will have some ideas as to how you can get her to agree to do that. Wish I could do more! And GOOD LUCK to both of you...She's very lucky to have you, and I hope she knows that...

I hope to hear good news from you, down the road apiece!

:hi:

[rockymountaindem]

3. I don't think she has physical scars.

She was on the softball team and wore shorts during practices. She also wore a bathing suit during the swimming portion of freshman PE. I don't think those are an issue. She's just really shy, you know? She went to both our junior and senior proms, both times with guys who I knew, who were popular, nice and very handsome. They could have had their pick, they chose her, and she never had any kind of relationship with them afterwards. They were friends, though, but it took years to cultivate those. As I mentioned in the other thread, I really hope I'm wrong. Hopefully there isn't any abuse past or present, and I'm just worrying for nothing.

[rockymountaindem]

4. kick

[Red State Rebel]

5. Wow, classic symptoms..

How awful for her! After being molested by my grandfather, I avoided being alone with men period. If I was in an elevator and a man got in, I got out. Anyone who was more than about 5 years older than me was suspect and it took a looooong time to get past that. I was terrified of physical contact with men also for a loooong time.

The first thing I thought of when you said what you did about her not showing her arms is that she's cutting herself. It's a form of tension release for emotionally troubled (mostly)girls. I've seen it in some of the teenagers I used to work with and it's very disturbing.

[uppityperson]

6. May not necessarily be sexual abuse

Physical and/or psychological abuse can make a person be like this. Constant put downs, with heavy realiance on the put downer deteriorates a person. Couple this with a bit of physical abuse, hitting, kicking or even threatening and a person may feel pretty unwilling to be open to others, reserved and closed in. And a good listener because they have learned to listen and try and try and try to avoid the abuse. Which is really hard to do. Speaking from experience as a 19 yr old shy person involved with a physically and emotionally abusive boyfriend. Took many yrs to get over it. I look back now and am amazed at how cute I was and how ugly I felt.

[rockymountaindem]

7. That's a possibility.

She has an older sister who gets all the attention, and my friend has to take care of her. Evidently this sister is very academic, but can't drive and is unable to handle her life. Much of this, it seems, is foisted on my friend by her parents. They always make her come home quite early, and on more than one occasion have forced her to leave outings with me or with our mutual friends to come home and do work. I know she is responsible for what seems like an inordinate amount of housework. Every time something like that comes up it makes me think of how Cinderella was treated by her step-mother.

[Frogtutor]

8. I'm not a psychiatrist, but I play one on TV

Just kidding. Seriously, though, my first thought while reading your post was "sexual abuse", but there are certainly other possibilities. I myself have been diagnosed with "social anxiety disorder", or kind of a social phobia. But, it's really pretty mild in my case. It sounds to me like a distinct possibility that your friend suffers from a more severe case of it. I can probably find a good website about it, but basically, I've always been very shy. Most of my friends in school were boys because they would approach me first, and were outgoing toward me. People accused me of being a snob because I was withdrawn. I've always been very self-conscious; afraid people are judging me, watching me, thinking bad things about me, etc. For example, I don't dance, just simply won't do it for fear of being watched, or embarrassing myself. I'm not a very demonstrative person. I love being hugged by friends and relatives, but it's extremely rare for me to initiate. Her fear of being touched may be a more severe form of this. I also thought it might be possible that she suffers from some other kind of personality disorder, like perhaps Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I believe the not liking physical contact could be a symptom of that.

Does being the way she is bother her? I mean, is she happy the way she is, or just coping? Would she want to change? If you think so, then maybe you should do some research for her on some of these issues and try to bring it up as delicately as possible. Encourage her to see someone about it; a psychologist is a good place to start, then a psychiatrist if meds are considered.

It sounds like she's really missing out on something great, having a guy feel the way you do about her, but being unable to reciprocate. I wish you the best of luck!

[Frogtutor]

9. This looks like a good website for info on Social Anxiety Disorder...

http://socialanxiety.factsforhealth.org/doihaveit.html

It has a self assessment questionaire you might want to check out.

[xmas74]

10. It doesn't have to be sexual.

It could be emotional. I look back now and realize that I experienced emotional and psychological abuse, to an extent, while growing up. Many of my choices in life reflect that.
I never felt like I was cute enough, or smart enough or thin enough. I have always felt like I was worthless. I barely dated in high school because I was convinced that I was being made fun of. When I realized that someone might like me(I was in college) I went wild and "hooked up" with anyone who was even remotely nice to me. To this day, I still cannot take a compliment well. I always think that there must be an ulterior motive behind it.
Just be patient w/ her. If it is meant to happen it will. Otherwise, be her friend. She might need it.