Some nasty jokes!

[Archae]

A few NASTY jokes, but funny!

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 republicans in a room
together?
100 people who don't do dick..

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do Freepers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a H2?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the Freeper say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Freeper schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a Red State zoo and a Blue State zoo?
A Red State zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say shit?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

[Floogeldy]

1. Totally offensive! Those are mostly all new to me.

I love 'em!

Very funny.

Thanks!

:rofl:

[JohnnyRingo]

2. Hahaha...Thanx it's good to lighten it up a bit now and then.

Here's one I've been dying to pass on:

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the
very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years
earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew
to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following
day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his
room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned Home
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who
Was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The
widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages of
condolence from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 January 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
computers here now and you are allowed to send e-
mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have
been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward
to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as
uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[orleans]

5. LOL! LOL!

that is a great joke!!!
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Abelman]

3. Lol

Nice late night humor:)

[Archae]

6. Glad to be of service...

:-)

[Pushed To The Left]

4. Here's one from my childhood:

A pencil, a pen, and a penis are complaining about how badly they are mistreated by their owners.


Pencil: "My owner is the worst! He rubs me hard against paper, then sticks me in a sharpener until my head changes shape!"

Pen: "That's nothing! My owner rubs me against paper until he drains me of all of my blood!"

Penis: "You guys have it easy! My owner sticks me into a dark hole and makes me do push-ups until I throw up!"