Etiquette when witnessing parent/child fighting

[chookie]

Can anyone help me with this situation, please: what is the best way to behave when one is in the presence of a parent/child fight? I am not talking about parental abuse, etc -- but just nasty fights.

I have a friend in another state (divorced, with a son, aged 9, now) who I see only from time to time. There is invariably an awful scene in which the son becomes furious with his mother, screams and punches her, and she struggles to control him. One such fight lasted quite vividly for over an hour.

What is the best way for me to behave in such a situation? Leave the room? Do nothing?

[XanaDUer]

1. I would ingnore it and do nothing

Nothing I can do during it will help.

[wtmusic]

2. I don't know what's polite

but I would leave. I can't stand watching that happen.

[HEyHEY]

3. Pick a side and join in

[Nicole]

I would leave the room

Sometimes a child acts up more for an audience.

[Dookus]

13. that's a very good point

Unless abuse was involved on either side, I'd step out, too, and hope it calmed things down. Kids do often show off a lot... as do parents.

[LoZoccolo]

4. I like to use "your kid is right, you know."

:+

[chookie]

17. Followed by...

..."I've noticed that about you too."

Actually, it might be interesting to try. It certainly would be an interesting 3rd act in this recurring framily drama.

[JVS]

5. Point and laugh

This is how to get them back for kids acting up in restaurants

[LoZoccolo]

9. "Ha ha look at your fucken idiot kid!"

Man that junk would stop a tantrum in it's tracks having someone else go laugh at the kid!

[neebob]

6. Act normal!

Just kidding. My guess is the kid's acting up because Mom's paying attention to someone else. Try to head him off at the pass by including him more, before he flips out.

[JVS]

7. Oh yeah, I forgot the obligatory apply taser liberally suggestion

Taser first ask questions later

[DustMolecule]

8. Stay 'distant' (but not totally unaware) of what's going on

and later politely suggest that to the mother that the mother and son should go 'talk with someone' about these episodes, cause it's obviously "not good" for either one of them (or their relationship with each other) and 9-10 more years of the same would be a real hell for them both. Perhaps talking with an outside party can help to break their cycle and bring a more peaceful/loving future for them both.

Good Luck and Peace :-)

[chookie]

19. History repeating itself

She was in an abusive marriage for 12 years -- which she kept secret. I suspected as much all along, but her rotten husband monitored all phone calls and letters. In 12 years I was alone with her once, and she was totally emotionally frozen, like a zombie, unable to talk about anything -- probably because her facade would crack if she did.

the secret came out after she had the baby (after 12 years of marriage) -- when the brute started abusing the baby, that she FINALLY stood up to him, and confided to me about the misery her life had been.

When I visit, it is kinda obvious that the mother and kid have a problem that is going badly -- no human being should strike another one, and no child should be free to punch and kick his mother when he is angry. A couple of years ago, it got bad enough for her to confide in me, and I suggested some kind of counseling, but she did not pursue it, and has since then pretty much clammed up about it -- although obviously it is STILL a problem, because when I visit, i witness these awful scenes....

It's sad. In a lot of situations, patience and forebearance work. In others, you have to set boundaries or take action. FAILING to teach your child that using his fists and feet in a violent manner is unacceptable is bad parenting.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

10. I wouldn't shut up but that's just me

It really depends on the level of relationship and communication you have with both the mother and the kid, but the kid HAS to know it isn't OK to smack his mom. Sounds like there's some heavy duty resentment going on with the kid...possibly about the divorce?

[chookie]

15. The weird thing is...

...he has been hitting her hard since he was a baby. She never made him stop. I mean, I've raised puppies, kittens, and ferrets, and when they are young, they nip playfully, and you TRAIN them that it is not cool. But she would never even pull his fists down or distract him in some manner.

I know zip about babies and kids, to be frank, but I thought it was a little weird that he struck her as a baby -- and years later, still does. It's disturbing now, because he is one of those unusually large kids and it has GOT to hurt her, because he does not hold back.

It's awful to witness this stuff.

[jpgray]

11. You never hear the two hours of patient reasoning the parent tries first

You usually only get to hear "Dammit Jimmy, you're not getting the goddamned toy! You were fucking adopted, alright?"

[Ready4Change]

12. Now's your chance.

Steal their stuff while they are distracted. Eventually they will realize they must cooperate with each other in order to defeat your theivery.

[foreigncorrespondent]

14. It really is a hard situation to be in!

I work in the security industry, and we are told not to get involved in any kind of domestic. If we believe a child is in danger, then we can call the police, but that is about it.

Has the child been tested for ADD? Or any other illness that will result in violent outbursts like this?

If not, I would suggest that you talk to the mother about getting him tested.

I have a freind who has a son. And one day we were out and this son began acting up really bad, I Just ended up pulling him aside and explained to him that his mother does everything possible to make sure he has a happy up bringing, and his acting out like this isn'tmaking her happy. He listened to me, and went and gave his mum a hug and told ehr he was sorry for what he had done.

But that is me. I can't sit by and let a child dictate the rules like that.

[chookie]

16. Thanks

My gut feeling is NOT to get involved, because anything I do would be wrong.

I think my friend is deeply in denial about her son's behavior. At one point, years ago, it got so bad and so violent, she confided in me that she was almost out of her mind with frustration and hurt. I very diplomatically suggested that she speak to some professional, and nip the problem in the bud. (I have a seriously mentally ill brother who did not receive treatment for decades, because my parents were in total denial; he only began to get treatment after he was arrested for a assault involving a gun! -- but to be honest, they never came to terms with it....).

But she got defensive. Touchy.

Interesting that she was in an abusive marriage for 12 years (child was conceived in the final year of the marriage), which she kept secret for 12 years, until the abusive bastard turned on her son.... I see a big neon sign blinking DANGER DANGER DANGER: SITUATION REPEATING ITSELF!" -- but she really has serious issues about confronting people, for fear of losing their love (you know, the co-dependent thing.)

The story you told me was nice. I would love to have an outcome like that. But I fear that if I ever said anything, the kid would run to his mother and say: "MOMMY! The bad lady criticized me!"

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

18. Sounds like they BOTH need professional help

I read your post to me above...combined with this post it sounds very much like counseling is in order, but if she's not open to it then the best you can do is avoid them.

If she's going to be in denial about it (as she must be to live 12 years like that) then there's not a lot you can do to help

[foreigncorrespondent]

20. I really do feel sorry...

...for families which live like that. But most importantly I feel sorry for you. You are obviously a very kind and caring woman, and it is eating at you, about the situation you find your friend in.

I wish you luck.

[if it comes from the whitehouse it must be true]

21. Leave and never return

Person cant control a nine year old? Not a person I want to be around.

[Bunny]

22. Sounds like she's learned that physical punishment is an okay

way to express oneself. Her husband abused her for years, now her son abuses her as well. When he gets older and stronger, those punches and kicks are going to really hurt. Meanwhile, she's raising yet another man who will have learned that it's okay to hit women.

What can you do? I don't know. She has to be the one to decide that this is wrong, and get some help for it. Frankly, I'd back off if I were you. I don't think there's much you can do for her until she decides to do for herself.

[Iterate]

23. nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

Oh goodness did I say that? Temptation got the best of me. I think.

I had that problem with a good friend, similar situation. Refusing to participate, leaving the room, didn't hurt, but it didn't help either. Eventually the young one started to expand his horizons and use the same behavior with other people.

So I waited until the time was right, we were alone, he tried it on me, and I came down on him with both boots. Gave him my very best 'don't fuck with me glare', some good finger pointing, in his face, "that shit isn't going to cut it with me." And not only that, I wasn't going to tolerate it anymore when he treated others that way. His eyes got big, he gulped, and he took it.

Right after, I talked to his mom about it, in private, and told her I didn't like the way he treated her and I wasn't going to tolerate it in my presence. I took her side. I said it in a nice way. She said he was a handful. I agreed.

Now I just listen carefully to the kid, every word, and if he edges toward that kind of behavior, I only have to look him square in the eye, over the top of my glasses. He knows the look. He remembers.

I'm not saying all or any of this is his fault, it's probably not, but that doesn't matter because there isn't a chance for him if adults don't have control of the situation.

Now this week I phone them and learn he was suspended from school for hitting a teacher. There are a couple of current threads on that topic. Check it out. Good luck to your friend.