Need Assistance from fellow DUers.

[freethought]

Dear DUers,

A relative of mine has passed away. This was expected given that their health had been in decline for some time. The family is in the process of making arraingements and tending to affairs. There could be a problem with the eulogy. They may try to enlist a priest or minister but it seems out of charecter for the departed given that they were atheist. It seems dishonest as well. They have asked me if I could suggest an alternative of some kind. I politely said I would get back to them with some sort of suggestion. I do remember someone posting a similar situation some time ago but I do not remember the suggestions that were made. My own family and this family go back a ways and I want to do what I can for them and out of respect for the departed.
They live in mid-coast Maine (Bath/Brunswick/Freeport area) if that is any help. Do any fellow DUers have any suggestions that may fit the situation here. Any suggestion would be appreciated.

Thanx in advance, Freethought

[snowbear]

1. Could you read a poem instead?

Poetry is sometimes an excellent alternative to a typical eulogy.

[davsand]

2. Memories of that person are nice.

It always helps to hear people talking about that person and their kindnesses and their funny moments. Rather than ask some stranger to eulogize that person in a way that is false and possibly offensive, I'd suggest asking two or three people who knew (him/her) well to talk about the good points and the joys with that person.

The tone of the ceremony is more a celebration of that person's life.

Just my two cents...


Laura

[Amich]

3. I went to a friends funeral,

they played her favorite songs and instead on one person giving a eulogy, they had people go up and tell a story of either them with the person or some told a story about what she did that had affected them and changed their life.
I don't know if that would work in Maine, but that is what we did for my friend her in Oregon. the family enjoyed the memories that people shared and it refreshed some things that they had forgotten. At this funeral it was alright to laugh and celebrate the life that she had is how her family put it.

[Kali]

4. I have a good friend who lost her Father last November

(this was in Germany) and what they did, because it was too painful for family to speak much, was hired a speaker to "read" what they wrote. He spent time with them and sort of did what a hired clergy person would do - spoke about the deceased even though he didn't know him, but infused his impression of how the family cared, what the man was like etc but it was totally non religious. They played some of his favorite music too - American Jazz/swing - a bit different for the Funeral personel there, but here it really is more free for the family to do what they want. Maybe contact toastmasters or if you know some one who speaks for a living (good professor or ?)

Afterward individuals who wished to spoke. To make this more effective (not sure that is the right word) tell folks in advance you would like them to say afew words - that way you don't have the dead silence syndrome when the "moderator" asks if anyone would like to say something.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

5. Check out your local Unitarian Universalist church...

There are UUs who are Atheists. I'm sure one of their ministers could help you create a service that would be meaningful to all of you without being disrespectful of the departed's non-belief.

[xmas74]

6. The best idea is to have every tell a story about the person.

Maybe read a favorite poem or quote of the person's. Also play their favorite music. I went to a funeral back in January. We set up a simple bulletin board (which we covered in bunting and then a nice fabric) and asked everyone to bring in pictures of the person(tell them to mark their names on the back of who is in the picture and who the picture belongs to). The nice part about the pictures is that you really do not need much of a service. You could just have each person explain the situation behind the picture and then have them place it on the bulletin board. Great stories are then told w/o having to think about what to say and you are celebrating that person's life. After all of the pictures of up, everyone can stop by and look them over. Then after the service everyone can pick up the pictures(this will many times lead into an exchange of addresses for people to send copies of pictures to each other).

Also, instead of the traditional condolence book that is given by the funeral home, go to a scrapbook center and pick up a nice scrapbook(maybe a leather or faux leather bound) with nice, unlined paper in it. Supply different colored pens and markers for scrapbooking and ask each in attendence to sign that w/ a message, a story or even a picture of a favorite memory( I knew one person who was an artist and she drew a favorite childhood memory of herself w/ the person). You could have someone read the memories that everyone wrote down and put the book out on display. Plus, the family has a unique keepsake that chronicles that person's life in a positive way.