anyone know much about codependency / martyr syndrome?

[northernsoul]

I'm not really big on pop-psychology, but we have a family member whose behavior is becoming increasingly problematic for others and some of it corresponds to symptoms associated with codependency. The websites I've found are somewhat helpful, but seem to geared towards situations where drug/alcohol addiction or domestic abuse are in play - and none of that is present in our case.

Any advice / info appreciated.

[chickenscratching]

1. i know quite a few members of my family

have martyr syndrome.
coul you explain the behavior?
PM me if you wanna

[northernsoul]

5. In broad terms, here's what we're dealing with:

* Lots of forcing "gifts" upon people that the recipients never really wanted and don't really like, but have to take in order to be polite
* Lots of grandiose & unrealistic plans for family events - followed by intense disappointment when other people can't / won't make those plans happen
* Lots of "care-taking" of others, often unnecessary and sometimes invasive
* Control through emotional manipulation (usually guilt)
* She seems to be expecting others (especially family) to create her emotional fulfillment, rather than trying to find it herself
* "Excessive" religious piety (I know this is a subjective one). Goes to Church 2-3 times a week, pretty much only reads Christian literature, only socializes with co-religionists (i.e. interaction with neighbors consists of trying to organize bible study / prayer group - can't just get together for a BBQ or something like that)
* Inability to relax or enjoy life
* Workaholism - constantly creating projects to complete (always for someone else's "benefit")

Does any of this sound familiar?

[chickenscratching]

7. yes yes and yes

is there anything in this persons life that they deeply regret? maybe even something that they're in denial about? something that you/family members don't know?

also, these unrealistic plans that are created or the constantly creating projects------does she/he usually finish these projects?

from what you just wrote it looks like this person has a distinct inability to love themselves and seems to have strong beliefs in what it means to be a "good person"

this is such a difficult issue, it seems like the people i know with these issues generally don't understand the importance of putting themselves first. many times people think putting themselves first is a selfish thing, not so--since it seems that this person is doing things for the sake of appearing like a 'good soul' , rather than doing some soul searching and doing good for the sake of doing good (ie, im giving to this charity because i truly want to, not because it's a good thing to do), not because society or whomever or whatever situation told you so.
im sorry that my ramblings often do not make sense.

i

[northernsoul]

9. I think the projects do get finished

But usually after exhausting herself, only to be disappointed by the lukewarm reactions of the people the project was intended to benefit.

[melnjones]

2. yes, yes i do

ask anything you want to know and i can maybe help with some info...

[K8-EEE]

3. Go, Go. GO TO CODA!!

Codependents Anonymous is GREAT. It doesn't really solve the problem but helps you act in your own best interests and stop REacting to the negativity. A lot of times this breaks the cycle of of circular relationships (makeup/breakup, repeatedly bailing somebody out of trouble or whatever) and so it's good for the other person too as you quit enabling the behavior.

It's too hard to do by yourself, go to CoDa you will meet lots of nice people who understand.

[bertha katzenengel]

4. Hello. How can I help? You mean I can't help? Sure I can. Are you sure?

Heh heh.... just a little co-dependent humor there.

I can't really answer your questions from a psychological science standpoint, but I sure as hell can from my experience.

I myself am extremely co-dependent, but my eldest sister takes the cake.

In brief: IMO all you can do is constantly be perfectly clear and honest about your needs and your intentions. Co-dependents constantly worry about others' motives, not because they're afraid of being hurt but because they're afraid they're doing something wrong or not doing enough for you.

[northernsoul]

6. what we really need is for this person to stop "doing" things for us

She's making herself miserable because she's constantly "doing" things for people that they don't especially want done, and frequently her "gifts" and "help" become smothering or invasive - which, in turn, makes the people who deal with her miserable. The biggest problem is that if you reject her "help", she takes it as personal rejection (which isn't the case), or she'll decide that if that particular "help" didn't do the trick, then something else will and the whole cycle begins again.

Fun stuff, no?

Sounds like you've got good insight into your own nature and you've got a sense of humor about it. Thanks for the input.

[chickenscratching]

8. personal rejection

when you say personal rejection, does this person feed into a persons body language and tone of voice more than what is actually being said?

[northernsoul]

10. it's a subjective response

usually the actual words are along the lines of "oh, that's ok" but all the subjective cues are that the opposite is the case.

[bertha katzenengel]

11. Wow.

I can only suggest these things:

1. when you tell her "Thanks but no thanks," be clear that you are not rejecting her; it's just that you don't need what she is doing.

2. when she takes your "TBNT" as rejection anyway, ignore it. Not her, just her subsequent attitude -- and behavior, to the extent that you can.

3. if you can't ignore it, go back to 1.

Make it clear that SHE and WHAT SHE DOES are separate things. You don't need WHAT SHE DOES but you are not saying "thanks but I don't want you in my life."

If you are perfectly clear with her and you're telling her the truth, there comes a time when you have to ignore what she does if she keeps doing it.

Best wishes and good luck.

Oh, and see if someone close to her can talk her into seeing a professional.