What is it with some women?

[Longgrain]

Single guys might know what in talking about. You spend months talking to someone, trying to get to know them, you finally ask her out and she says she thinks of you as 'just a friend'. Not that there's anything wrong with that, maybe you just read her signal's wrong, but there's got to be a better way.

Then there are those other women who go out with certain men--men who are uncultured, unintelligent, and inarticulate, and you just know they'd be better off with someone else. Maybe not you specifically but they should have reached higher.

Then there are those women who say things like: "How come all the good men are either gay or married". That one always made me want to scream! Try looking sometime, there are probably dozens of us out there who would love to meet you.

End of rant. Hopefully I didn't come off too angry or misogynistic, I'm not, I just needed to get something off my chest.


Commence with your regular Lounging.

[billyskank]

1. It's enough to turn you into a monk, isn't it?

:evilgrin:

[Longgrain]

8. Turn me into a monk, sometimes it feels as if I've been forced

into the prietshood...

Very much against my will.

[Kikosexy2]

2. Too many...

high standards and expectations they place on men...no guys run the other direction...thank God I'm gay...don't always have to put up with the games so much. I prefer just wham bam thank you man..see ya at the gym.

[DrDebug]

3. Thank God It Is Friday

:party:

I know what you mean with that 'just a friend' stuff. I even had it once after hours of explicit sex talk and I thought that I was going to get lucky and then I was 'just a friend'.

[tjdee]

4. Like men who marry bimbos?

There seems to be equal amounts of ranting to go around.

I have known more than a few men to marry a woman who looks good and seems nice enough. They're so excited a nice looking woman would even look at them that they let her walk all over them. Eventually they get divorced and they bitch about how she spent all his money on expensive clothes, etc.

:shrug:
All of that gives me a headache.

[billyskank]

9. So in summary

we're all fucking stupid! :D

[tjdee]

41. Yup. Kind of disturbing, isn't it.

I wouldn't mind have a nice long relationship that ended when one of us died, but weeding through and getting to that person....

:puke:

I think we're all confused.

[NewJeffCT]

78. well, my ex-wife wasn't a bimbo

but, I get the gist of what you're saying...

[Mutley]

5. It's all an evil ploy to drive men crazy.

then once you're all safely institutionalized, we take over the world. It's that simple.

But, shhhhhhhhhhh. Don't tell them I told you or I'll be hanged as a traitor.

[GreenPartyVoter]

6. And then there's those of us who knew a good thing and snapped him

up when we had the chance. ;)

[radwriter0555]

7. Well, we're either attracted to you, or we aren't. It's biology, after

all.

Same for you really. You're either attracted to certain women, or you aren't.

[dave29]

12. then there's that third category:

"back up boy"

[Longgrain]

13. Yeah, I understand that, some women sometimes seem to send

cross signals, as I mentioned in my OP, such as physically flirting with you, or doing something out of the ordinary, like write a poem for you for instance. That's the kind of thing that always leads me on.

[DrDebug]

17. Send you a song for Valentine through the email

"If You Want My Body And You Think I Am Sexy" and then I was just a friend :rofl:

I still have it as well. Let's play it for old time sakes

[Logansquare]

81. OK--there are some women who like male attention

They need to feel attractive and be affirmed that way at all times. You got a quick lesson and got off easy with this one. My husband was "chased" for years by an almost-girlfriend who would get drunk and talk and talk about her need for orgasms and once let him paw her breasts, but then would always sober up and say he was "like a brother," etc. You get the picture. She had him there like a fish on a hook. There are jerks in both genders.

What you need to do is change YOUR behavior. WTF did you allow this buildup for months without laying your cards on the table? Because you suspected this woman was out of your league (not as a human being, but as a sexual commodity) and you couldn't bear really hearing it. Start respecting yourself, and show cockteases the door immediately! You can get a good woman, but you may need to reevaluate yourself, including your appearance, your way of presenting yourself and also figure out what type of woman you can reasonably expect to attract.

[zanne]

115. And that's why boob jobs are such big business now, right?

Because you're attracted to women with boob jobs! (Take it easy, guys; not ALL of you, just too many of you). Actually, I don't think that much of women who go under the knife for that reason, either. I guess they deserve men who go for them because they do that.

[RagingInMiami]

10. If there is one thing I've learned throughout the years

What women say they want and what women really want are two different things.

[liberalhistorian]

11. Well, it works the other way, too.

It's incredibly frustrating for us single gals to get the same "you're just a friend" treatment when we thought there was something more after several months.

It's also extremely frustrating to see men be involved with bitchy, nagging, nasty, women who treat them like crap, or whores who use their "feminine wiles", going from man to man and the men know what she's like but they STILL fall all over themselves to be with her, ignoring the good gals who'd never do that. Then when they get burned by these bitches, they sit around and moan and groan and weep and wail and gnash their teeth, crying that there aren't any "good" women out there! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! That happened in my church singles group. One of the resident tramps went through all the men in the group, with each of them thinking they were "the one" who'd be able to keep her for good. They all got burned AFTER we kept trying to warn them about her and what she was really like and what she'd do. Then they sat around at our gatherings grumbling that there weren't any "nice" women around anymore, and we all just wanted to choke the shit out of them, because there we sat right in front of them.

Then there are the guys who are dating total nagging bitches that drive them crazy, and they keep coming to you for comfort and support and an ear to listen or shoulder to cry on, and keep telling you how much "nicer" you are than the bitch they're involved with, but they KEEP GOING BACK TO HER, leaving you in the cold. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, I'll stop ranting now although I could go on and on and on. See, LongGrain, it works both ways, believe me.

[Longgrain]

16. I understand that, I didn't want to sound too much like I was

frustrated with women in general, and I'm not surprised women have these problems to.

I was simply addressing the issue from my perspective.

[Left Is Write]

21. That happened to me once.

Guy I was head over heels for - and he was involved with someone else. I was his ear and his shoulder, and he always told me how much nicer I was than she, and how it really ought to be us together instead of them.

Then he married her.

[Lilith Velkor]

56. Never again!

I will let a guy bitch about his GF once. If he tries to do it again, I cut him off with, "Dump that loser skank, then call me."

They never do. Thinking about what I'm missing gives me evil cackling fits.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

61. I'll have to remember that for next time

;-)

[halobeam]

22. Yeah, well maybe they keep going back,

because they know she's only bitchin' because he's not REALLY committed. How many times I hear my friends bitch about their husb/wives and it's obvious to anyone with eyes and ears and common sense, that maybe these people have something to bitch about!

People say they are committed because thats what looks acceptable. Then they slick their way out of the responsibilities/intimacy (you name it and fill in the blank)... and once someone catches on to them, they'll certainly bitch about it!! ... good reason, don't ya think?

Obviously, it takes all kinds. I know just as many people who don't deserve what they are going through, yet I secretly think THEY think they do deserve it. If not, then why else are they staying?


Puzzles me! It takes all my energy to figure out my own life's relationships.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

46. Right, and if you try to warn them that Ms. Eville Psychoshrew

is a total sociopath when it comes to men and that she'll shred their hearts, then YOU are the "jealous bitch."

Am I not right?

[liberalhistorian]

49. Bingo!

You got it, gal!

[Lydia Leftcoast]

51. We know our own

Men would be wise to take such advice, just as women are wise to take advice from men who tell them that Mr. Seemingly Right is a serial seducer.

[Lilith Velkor]

52. Yup.

:rofl: :cry:

[Lorien]

108. The ones dating bitches are usually looking for Mommy

they often had a mother who would nag them and find endless faults, so that's what they look for in a wife/ girlfriend. Single women still outnumber single men in most states, and from what I've seen many men who are still single and searching fall into a few categories; the guy who insists that his date look like a magazine model, while he doesn't stay fit himself, the guy who insists that his date worship him, as he believes is his due (while he often takes little or no interest in who she is), and the socially awkward bad dresser with poor personal hygiene (he may be a nice guy, but if he smells awful or has a pelt on his back, physical attraction is an uphill battle). There are, of course, nice guys with moderately good looks and intelligence who are not living with their parents and working at McDonald's that are still single-and those are the ones who most often find themselves in a whirlwind romance when they least expect it.

[hfojvt]

112. you had the choking option

I would certainly not sit quietly and listen to a bunch of women I know complain about a lack of "nice" men. That might prove that I am not so nice, but I least they would grant me a clarification - they mean "nice men who are decent looking and who have decent jobs".
I have not been in a singles group which did not have a severe shortage of women under age 45. Maybe it is a small town thing.

[Book Lover]

14. It's the same on this team, too

Many men run quickly when a woman proves herself capable at a "manly" task, like gapping her spark plugs or talking politics. Same shit, different plumbing.

[xmas74]

43. Exactly.

If you can do for yourself, some men seem to become afraid of you. If you can have an independent thought of your own, they call you a bitch. If you are raising a child on your own, they call you a manhater. If you can watch football and play poker better than most of them, then they call you sexually confused.
But these same men seem to forget that I love children, don't mind cooking, and I love to dress up-everything that they see as feminine.
I can't win.
Besides, my political views are wrong for my neck of the woods. That really pisses them off.

[NorthernSpy]

107. but that's insane!

Why should anyone look askance at a woman who is handy with tools and such?

You can save a lot of money fixing things yourself. And if you're willing to acquire a few skills and put in a little work, you can have nice stuff that otherwise would be far beyond your means. Any guy who'd feel threatened by that is just too stupid to fool with.

[BlondieK143]

15. Hmmm

You're either attracted to someone or you're not. And guys can be the SAME way. Some people you just connect better with as a friend.

"and you just know they'd be better off with someone else. Maybe not you specifically but they should have reached higher."

People have to make their own mistakes. Besides, how do you really know that the person they're dating isn't right for them? It's not liek we're telling who you should date and who you shouldn't. Trust us, we know ourselves pretty well and well enough to know who we want to date and who we don't.

[Left Is Write]

18. To be brutally honest, some women like to keep a man on the line.

With this kind of woman, she is not necessarily interested in him romantically, but she likes the fact the HE is interested in HER. He's nice to have around, especially if whatever else she's looking for doesn't pan out.

So she might tell him she likes him, or even loves him, "as a friend."

The good news is, of course, that not all women are like that. Not all women who say "just a friend" are like that. And some women will wake up one day and realize that their "just a friend" friend is really The One.

Getting out and meeting new people often seems like a lesson in a whole new language. Or a code everyone else understands. It can be tough.

One day, some woman is going to look at you and realize you are The One. And it'll all fit somehow.

[Wapsie B]

19. Hmmm

:popcorn:

[SmokingJacket]

20. Women can really enjoy the company of men they're not attracted to.

I think that's the crux of the problem.

I've really enjoyed being around men who are funny, nice, interesting, but just not biologically attractive to me. I think men are less interested in being around women who don't attract them.

And since women like these guys, and don't want to hurt their feelings, and sometimes are so naive they don't even KNOW the men are attracted to them... well, misunderstandings arise.

[Longgrain]

24. I think that might be part of my problem, most of my friends

are actually women (I'm talking platonic relations here). So I might just be too comfortable about women in a friendship sort of way, but not in a manly sort of way.

[CBHagman]

23. In a perfect world...

...some wise being (A mother? A rabbi? A rabbi who is also a mother?) would bring together all the perfectly nice people who can't find other perfectly nice people to build a relationship and eventually a marriage.

But until then, we have to stumble through. I suppose we could go back to arranged marriages, which are reportedly just as successful and unsuccessful as our free choice system.

Hang in there.

[Catchawave]

25. TBS is re-running all the Sex in the City's .....

I think you would enjoy those :loveya:

Seriously, it's a pretty even field out there :)

[Bok_Tukalo]

26. Can't sympathize. I'm the asshole they are all with.

Uncultured, unintelligent, and inarticulate.

[Left Is Write]

28. Somehow I doubt any of those adjectives applies to you.

[Longgrain]

31. So you're the one at parties where, I spend half the night

Talking to one particular girl, about art and books, have a few laughs have a few drinks, then comes along and without barely saying a word, and quickly woos her away.

Thanks a lot! :sarcasm:

[Left Is Write]

32. LOL!

I'm pretty sure you meant this for Bok_Tukalo and not me. ;)

[Longgrain]

33. Opps! I mussed up!

But it applies to you too sweetie...:rofl:

You were the girl Bok stole away. :P

[Bok_Tukalo]

40. Yea. That would be me.

Have we met?

[Redstone]

42. No, THAT one is me. (Or was, when I was single.)

Redstone

[Longgrain]

44. You and Bok are going to have to take this outside, Redstone.

(In the mean time I'll go grab the girl's coat and sneak out the back door with her.):evilgrin:

[Redstone]

67. And don't forget to drink our drinks on the way.

Redstone

[progmom]

35. swoon

i love 'em uncultured, unintelligent, and inarticulate.

[Bok_Tukalo]

45. I am also unacclimated , undetected, and inadvertent

<ope>

[progmom]

47. oh baby

:9

[Bok_Tukalo]

62. I know. I'm awful.

It's terrible, what I do.

[man4allcats]

27. Kind of makes you want to

go out with a hooker, doesn't it? You have to pay, but you have to pay anyway in the long run, and at least a hooker won't hit you with the "just a friend" routine. Reminds me of a "Barney Miller" episode where Wojo was ranting to Barney's wife about how immoral prostitutes are for taking money for sex. After a brief pause, Wojo asked Mrs. Miller if he could help her with anything. She answered no, that she had just come by to get some cash from Barney.

[Wapsie B]

29. Both sexes are blind to each other.

I mean geez look at the divorce rate. Us guys go out and don't see the women who might be perfect for them and vice versa.

[all.of.me]

30. men do the same thing, longgrain

they send mixed signals all the time. it could be fear of intimacy, fear of commitment, fear of being happy. but if you spend about 4 hours a day with me on the phone, over tea and through email for months and months, that says to me 'more than friends.'

it's frustrating, i agree with you there.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

48. Oh, yes, I've seen that, too

Once back in grad school, my roommate and I met two guys at a party. We went out for pizza afterwards and all generally flirted around. I liked A, and my roommate liked B.

So I keep seeing A around campus and campus, and he's flirting with me like crazy. I'm smitten.

Meanwhile, my roommate who really likes B, starts running into him "accidentally on purpose."

My roommate and B become a couple.

I'm still seeing A around campus, and he's still flirting like crazy. I am waiting for an opportune moment to "have two tickets to something."

All of a sudden, I no longer exist as far as A is concerned. He walks right past and ignores me.

The next thing I know, he's walking around all lovey-dovey with someone else.

The most maddening thing is that later on, my roommate was talking with B about the early days of their relationship (they stayed together for several years), and B told her that he had ended up with her because A said he was going to go after me. :grr:

[all.of.me]

68. ouch!

[In_The_Wind]

34. here's the solution

celibacy

[Longgrain]

36. I've read your solution

And I don't like it. :P

[In_The_Wind]

39. neither do I

:evilfrown:

[Redstone]

37. Happens all the time. It's life.

You just gotta pull up your socks and go on to the next thing. Moaning doesn't help, nor change anything.

Redstone

[Bouncy Ball]

38. What is it with women?

They all hate you.

If you tell yourself that, then when the next one comes along that likes you, you'll be all pleasantly surprised!

Eh, just an idea. :D

[bridgit]

50. well, bb, i have to say...when you're right...

you're right :thumbsup: :rofl:

[Sugar Smack]

59. bridgit.

bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.bridgit.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

:applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause:

:loveya: :loveya: :loveya: :loveya: :loveya: :loveya: :loveya: :loveya:

that said, hello.

[bridgit]

65. there's SugerHon...

waaazz-up, homey! :hi: :loveya:
seen where some 'art' was posted to your thread so posting our little delta trip pics here, lover...it was sw-eeet:

[Sugar Smack]

66. BABY! Hello-

You are completely and totally LUCKY, my sweet.

YOU ARE SURROUNDING YOUR THING WITH BEAUTY.

And I say to this, don't ever stop.

You're a woman who has found a guy worth having.. I afford so much happiness to ya!

LOVE, SS!

[Lannes]

53. "Your a really sweet guy but.."

I know you most of you guys have heard that before.Once a woman said that to me and I asked her if she would feel better if I robbed a bank? Ladies please chime in if Im wrong but IMO when women are younger they are looking for a "bad guy" when they are ready to settle down they want the "good guy".

The funny thing is that Im the good guy because I believe(my other post notwithstanding) that you should be respectful and kind to women.Doesnt mean I dont have a bad side or some bad experiences just that I dont wish to glamorize the bad things Ive done,the mistakes Ive made.Unfortunately some women mistake that for weakness.

[Bouncy Ball]

54. I NEVER wanted a bad guy.

I was LOOKING for a nice guy. And I got one.

Sometimes the connection wasn't there, but I never dumped a guy just for being nice. That's crazy.

[paula777]

55. I don't think we really want a 'bad boy' - I certainly never looked for

a criminal to date. But it's more in the attitude. Not easily attainable - or kind of stand-offish. There is a little challenge to guys like that. 10 years ago I ended up marrying one of them.

[bloom]

100. you're wrong

(you asked :shrug: )

[ghostsofgiants]

57. The bane of my existence

I've been complaining about this for ages. Nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks that way.

[Ladyhawk]

58. Maybe I'm not looking in the right place.

I think this whole damn county is the wrong place. Really. I haven't found anyone I wanted to date in a long, long time. There aren't many men my age in this area and the ones I do know of are uneducated right-wingers. I have zero interest in these men who know nothing, yet come across as angry, intolerant and (yes, I'll say it) stupid. Why would I want to date one of them?

[jmm]

60. Everyone has their own set of problems to deal with.

For every woman who is too busy chasing after jerks to send you the right signals there is a man trying get get a rise out of me because he figures why get a drama queen when he can have fun trying to turn me into one.

[skygazer]

63. A lot of times women don't want to hurt a nice guy

So they don't tell him outright they're not interested in dating him until he comes right out and asks. Then they give you that 'just a friend' line.

Other times, it's a case of women who want to kind of keep you dangling just in case they can't find something better (sorry, honey, don't mean to be brutal but relationships ARE inherently brutal).

And sometimes it's just the truth. Guys who we can have fun with, be comfortable around, be ourselves with - oh, they're so wonderful. They may not be just who we want to date but they're safe and fun and understanding. It's nice to have guys who are your friends.

The "all the good ones..." line comes from the same frustration you're feeling right now. Sometimes it seems like all we can find are the jerks and losers.

I'm fortunate to have found the man of my dreams who, for some strange reason, seems to think I'm wonderful (shhhh.... don't tell him what I'm really like!).

Bottom line - the dating world is rough. Eventually though, people seem to find their special someone. You just have to keep at it and try to stay positive. :hug:

[Wapsie B]

64. Yup. the safety valve.

"Other times, it's a case of women who want to kind of keep you dangling just in case they can't find something better."

[wildeyed]

69. It's a numbers game.

Ask out many women. Some will say no, some will say yes. But if you ask out five women and one says yes, you got one date. If you only ask out one woman, you are likely to have zero dates.

Go out on an easy date with the ones who say yes, coffee, something non-committing.

If there is anything weird, off putting or negative about them, don't go out a second time. Be honest with yourself about this. Don't go out with someone who is off putting just 'cause it is better than being alone.

Don't over think it. Eventually you will click with someone and it will all be good.

Sorry if that is not so romantic. But it will work.

[SOteric]

70. I believe that a great many people

of both genders and all tastes and preferences, are conflicted about those whom they like and love, about relationships, and about the choices they make in their lives.

I say this in a manner the suggests that I'm only an observer of the behaviour, but I'm not. I'm at least as conflicted as is every other person I know.

I think the best we can hope for is to continue to work to resolve our individual issues and to try not to hurt anyone else in the process. Which pretty much sums up the challenges of life as well.

[Blue-Jay]

71. That is SOOO true!

Whenever I can't get a little "pickle-tickle", it's HER fault for not being clear enough.

Damn those women! Why do they expect us to actually be their "friends" when all we want is a little ring-a-ding-ding? Damn them!

[KitchenWitch]

72. Why do you hate women so much?

/sarcasm

:D

[Vektor]

73. I'm a woman and I agree.

I never bought into that shit. I always preferred the "nice guy" - smart, kind, respectful. Looks weren't an issue so much if the hygiene is good, and anyone can be beautiful if they have a kind soul and a friendly face. :-)

"Bad boys" made my skin crawl, still do. Yuck. Who needs the drama and childishness? Seriously.

I married a "nice guy." To me, he's the most beautiful thing on earth. To some, with less depth of vision, he might be average and bald. Their loss, my gain.

(Bald IS beautiful by the way.)

Don't give up. Any woman worth knowing prefers warmth, respectfulness, and smarts over six pack abs and a motorcycle.

(Six packs, kinda gross, IMHO) Not a fan of motorcycles either, but I'm a big fraidy cat.

A couple of my lady friends married "bad-ass hunks."

They're divorced now, as a result of said hunks' infidelity.

You will meet someone wonderful, don't you worry. But NEVER pretend to be a "dangerous rebel asshole" in hopes of attracting "hot" women. You'll only attract head cases. Trust me.

Good luck!

[gmoney]

74. You're a "safe guy" and therefore, doomed...

...just like me, I'm afraid.

Women (and men) decide almost immediately after meeting someone whether they'd have sex with them or not. Usually, if you're in the "No" file, you're just cast aside. But if you pursue it and are a nice guy and/or have mutual friends or mutual reasons to spend time together, you can become "a friend" but you're never going to cross back into the "potential sex dude" territory. You become "safe" or, if you'll pardon the expression, a "hag fag" and you might as well be one of the girls.

Those who are lucky enough to end up in "potential sex dude" territory have almost as hard a time changing their status, because the woman's mind is made up about this one thing. That's why she'll put up with enormous amounts of crap from some guy who's stringing her along while he's dating three other women... he's forever the "sex dude" who doesn't have to make an effort.

Now, most "sex dudes" and dudettes have been this way all their lives, so it's like a fish not knowing he's wet. Most women judge them as sex dudes, and most sex dudes flock with their own kind, so it's self perpetuating. Same goes for women... if they have sex appeal, they can get virtually whatever they want (from men AND safe women) without even having to ask.

The twisted part of it is that most of us "safe" folks (the non-"sex dudes" and dudettes) have the same weakness for the sex people, and the same disdain for the safe people. We're not smart enough to pursue our "own kind" and even if we try, we're shut out because the object of your attention isn't smart enough to receive us -- they're still holding out for the sex people.

The thing that saves us as a species is that for most people, the Yes/No bar isn't exactly the same for everyone, and sometimes judgements vary. You may be willing to go as low as 3, while you yourself may be a 5 or 6. When you find a 3 you like, they're thrilled to be with a 5, and fireworks can ensue. Sadly, lots of us 2's set the bar at about 8, so we're forever alone...

[benny05]

111. Not certain I would agree with that

Men decide almost immediately if they want to have sex with them or not, but women most of the time do not. But it's also true that men fall in love faster than women do.

I'm hearing two issues here:

1) The guys who are tired of women who are friendly with them, but only want to be their friend because the woman didn't feel the same chemistry as they thought to be reciprocal.

2) The guys who want to have sex with the women after a few times to see if they want to explore the relationship further.

Woman's view: the gals who tell you they want to be your friend may actually mean it. They prefer to explore a friendship first because they are not ready to be involved emotionally yet. Sex takes on a different light because they are investing themselves a little and especially if it is special to them. Harry Meets Sally really hits this issue point blank.

For the poster earlier in the thread who prefers to get laid then "see you at the gym", that's a lifestyle that works well for gay men. Perhaps he doesn't want a deeper relationship and just comfortable with himself. I don't know how old the poster is, but most gay men I know now are seeking a boyfriend or companion because they want something more than just getting laid. And I've known quite a few gay couples who have been together for 20-30 years. But I think the sexual part early on was part of the experience.

[lakemonster11]

114. I'm exactly the opposite of what you're saying.

I'm never attracted to anyone when I meet them. I mean, I might think they're attractive in an objective sense, but I never think "Gee, I'd personally like to sleep with him."

I only ever get to that place with guys I'm friends with. This is a problem, because by the time I'm attracted to them, they've already decided that I'm not and have therefore given up any romantic inclination toward me they may have had.

Example. Several years ago, a guy I sort-of knew started flirting heavily with me at a party. I was polite, but didn't really respond. I wasn't really interested and don't particularly enjoy being hit on (I'm shy). He dated a friend of mine for a while. A couple of years later, he ended up being my housemate and I fell madly in love with him. Of course, by then, he had decided that we were just friends.

My new dilemma is that I'm attracted to a friend who is just as slow a mover as me. Actually, much slower. I think it's quite possible that we'll end up together, but it might take decades!

[NervousRex]

75. Mysteries of the ages, my friend...

I believe there are similar questions posed on walls in the caves of Lascaux, and found in the grafitti of Pompeii...Many a scalp has been scratched to the point of bleeding pondering these puzzles.

[SarahB]

76. I don't know about other women. I only speak for myself.

I haven't posted much all week and thought I'd peek in tonight. All this stuff with relationship dynamics is tough- very tough. I'm pretty wary at the moment. I knew 7 & 1/2 years ago, my marriage was essentially over, but I take commitment seriously even after it became clear all was going to heck (and from his choices, not mine). I took the welfare of the children I had with this man seriously, so I remained for longer than was healthy for either of us. Few people know what it is to experience years with someone, who may be ultimately a decent person on many levels, who isn't the person for you. It hurts and it's almost deadening in this numb sort of way. I think the only person I could be with is someone who understands exactly how this feels.

In the last few months, I've had a couple of experiences, to varying degrees, which l just said, "f*ck it, I'll just do whatever hedonistic thing I want", but ultimately, I deserve more. I need more. I don't want to be with anyone ever again who doesn't cherish me for exactly who I am in regards to things more substantive than external stuff because ultimately, that stuff isn't who we are and it doesn't sustain relationships. Yeah, I get noticed, but what does it all mean on a deeper level? I have many opportunities, but it means nothing if the man doesn't understand what's really inside me and loves for who I am- who I really am (which is often rather paradoxical and complex at times).

Recently, I had started a personal ad that I could use in responses (on one site you can keep your own profile unsearchable, but contact other people which is what I considered at the time) because I thought perhaps it could eliminate stuff that wasn't wanted from the get-go (i.e. for me- Republicans, married men, substance abusers in particular) and put me in the driver's seat to an extent. Then I realized I know exactly what I wanted because I already knew the person I was describing. Something clicked that he and I had to really and truly explore this together or I have to just be by myself for awhile to grieve that if it is not to be. I didn't want to hurt anyone innocent along the way (I include my own psyche in this now) while I was clearly in love with someone else. A few people who may be closer to me that know more about who I'm referring to know this man is a man of supreme intellect, integrity, and beyond. (Actually, even my flings have only been with interesting, brilliant people so doofuses never need apply with me.)

[Longgrain]

77. I've throughly read your post...

And I understand.

P.M. me if you want to talk some more.

I'll get back to you tomorrow.

[Amaya]

91. Wow!

Good girl, love ya :hug:

[SarahB]

94. Thanks.

It's amazing what a little time to think can do for a person.

I don't know if S. and I will ever figure this out, but I at least need not cause any further damage to mine (or anyone else's) psyche along the way. I owe myself that much and I owe that to any potential suitors as well. There's too much still to be processed to mess around anymore that's ultimately not being conscious of my true self.

Now, what do I say to that handsome resident that's always flirting with me? :P

[Amaya]

96. Like I said to you before ...

you both need to know. Period. Lets hope that happens.

"Now, what do I say to that handsome resident that's always flirting with me?"

Give him my number? :D J/K :evilgrin:

I'm going to NYC tomorrow (you know what that means), wish me luck. Oy vey....

I'll PM you more tomorrow, gotta get some sleep now.

:hug: and :yourock:

A

[Logansquare]

79. Women have sexual feelings and preferences for certain types

just like men do. Some women like you as a person and like talking to you, but don't want to fuck you. They like you but are not physically attracted to you. Haven't you ever been on the other end of this situation?

This is more common in younger women (and men); when people mature, they often weigh other factors in addition to physical attraction, which is also sometimes euphemistically referred to as "chemistry."

I had to tell a guy I enjoyed going to science fiction films with that I did not want to be his girlfriend. He was a very nice guy, but Jesus, I have the right to want to feel lust when I'm with someone I'm dating. I'm hoping that eventually he lost weight, lost the mustache, and saw a good dermatologist. And met and married the most beautiful woman.

[Redstone]

80. You know, those women may be right...

it could very well be that all the good men really ARE either gay or married. Ever consider that possibility?

Of course, it could also turn out that the Hokey-Pokey really IS what it's all about.

What then?

Redstone

[Longgrain]

82. Well I'm not gay, but I would like to get married...

Therefore, I'm not turning my self about.

Are you suggesting I become a bad man?

[MrScorpio]

83. If you act like a friend, you'll end up as one

If act as a lover, your chances are much better at being one

[Lorien]

86. the best lovers I've had always started out as good friends

and they were intelligent, witty, handsome,charismatic,and accomplished too-as well as being "nice guys". One gets what they're expecting, for the most part.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

89. I've more often had the opposite problem of

intelligent, witty men of my acquaintance seeing me only as a "friend," even though I am signalling to them that I wouldn't be averse to getting to know them better.

[Lorien]

93. Oh, I've had that happen, too

I've still yet to marry any of them; different priorities, different career paths, etc. I still enjoy their company though-including those that don't get the signals.;-)

[Wapsie B]

84. The thing that gets me

is that I forget how many times I've been told by older women in their 60's and 70's that they wished I'd have been around when they were in their 20's. In one sense I take that as a geat compliment. But on a much deeper level it really bothers me. It doesn't make me feel good inside that I'm noticed only after the fact, after someone is in the twilight of their life or after a horrible relationship with someone else.

What I want is someone who's at least had time to heal from her wounds from the loss of a relationship. Someone who could have her pick of men, but who chose me. And no, she need not look like Sandra Bullock. But there's got to be this feeling of getting whopped upside the head with a 2 x 4 whenever I'm with her. That's not negotiable.

[Longgrain]

85. Yep, I get that all the time.

Older women. :loveya:

[Wapsie B]

88. With your obvious artistic talent

I can't understand why women aren't throwing themselves at you. I honestly can't. I can see the beauty in your work. It just floors me. It isn't just about women dating scoundrels. Celebrity and power attracts as well. I've talked to radio DJ's who've said even butt ugly guys on the radio attract the babes.

[Longgrain]

90. Van Gogh syndrome, I call it.

I disagree. From my experience, women are not attracted to artists...

[Vektor]

102. Did I also mention -

my husband is a brilliant artist/illustrator and makes a great living from it - been doing it for 15 years? Mostly COMIC BOOKS, no less. I was attracted to him from the get-go, and thought "Wow, what a unique talent, no other guy I have ever known can do that."

Artists RULE.

[Fridays Child]

87. Were I young and single...

I would totally date you. Seriously. :)

[neuvocat]

92. Its what you do in approaching them that's the problem.

If you pass yourself off as some sort of a nice guy and don't show interest right away then they'll think you're only interested in them as friends. However if they figure out that you're being a nice guy with ulterior motives they'll get disgusted and drop you like a rock.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

104. Yes, if there's someone you're interested in as a possible

girlfriend, approach her with wicked glints in your eyes, not with the "harmless and eager Labrador retriever" look.

[jpgray]

95. If you're unattractive to someone, the most you will be is a friend

"Nice" and "cultured" and all that nonsense has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with this.

[Redstone]

98. Hard truth, but the truth nonetheless.

Well said.

Redstone

[shugah]

97. mature women probably also know what you mean

i'm going to have to suggest that the media, advertising, cultural standards, gender roles, etc are in large part to blame for your dilemma. for whatever reason, girls/women often have a tendency to fall for the "bad guy." wasn't there a recent media blitz "nice guys finish last"?

however - to give you some hope! - most of the women i have known (alas! my own self included) have fallen for the bad guy. often more than once. but - and here is that glimmer of hope - girls who mature into women leave that shit behind. grown up women want a partner. (age is not a factor in being "grown up.")

but, i will suggest that if you immediately discount certain women because of the way they look, and only approach those that fit media, advertising, cultural standards, gender roles, etc at first glance then you are probably getting pay back in kind.

[JI7]

99. "just a friend"

i imagine during time spent being "just friends" most people will know whether there is potential for more in that relationship.

also these days with more women being independent and able to support themselves they may not be looking for someone to marry or spend a long time with but just someone to have fun with for the moment and that might account for the uncultured, unintelligent,inarticulate guys.

[Catherine Vincent]

101. You shouldn't have a problem with women.

You're a nice looking guy, and talented I might add.

[JVS]

103. You should know better than trying to get to know them

Try to score first. You can decide later if you want to know her or not.

[48pan]

105. Every woman who says she wants a sensitive man...

deserves one.

[ScreamingMeemie]

106. As a former single mother....I call foul.

There may be many of you out there, but you can be just as selective as the women that you speak of. When we hit our thirties just about everyone has some luggage. I meet a lot of men who want the carefree attitude of an 18 year old in a 35 year old woman. :hi:

[48pan]

109. In my experience...

There may be many of you out there, but you can be just as selective as the women that you speak of. When we hit our thirties just about everyone has some luggage.

In my experience, there are no "normal" people. Some people appear that way for varying periods of time, but we're all a bit odd if you look closely enough.

[Lorien]

110. Indeed!

"normal" is a myth.

[sectorzero]

113. Women are evolution's most brutal judges - winning is all that matters.

To understand this better we need to throw out the whole bad guy/good guy model, which just confuses the issue.

Whether highschool or adulthood, women are drawn to the men high in the pecking order - whatever his other qualities are are secondary to the equation, even though women will say(and perhaps consciously think) they just want a 'nice guy'.

What men who attract lots of women have in common is higher social status than other men. Whether he gets there by beating his competition with intelligence and sensitivity, or by beating them with violence and intimidation - is largely irrelevant. Women will pick whoever is higher, however he got there. A wimpy, effeminate famous rich guy can get far more sex than a tough, strong, poor, unfamous guy. Famous serial killers (Manson, Dahmer, Bundy, etc) usually attract groupies - women lining up to have sex with them, who will find excuses as to why they are really 'good'.

The reason for this is survival. A higher status male (ie, an alpha male) is far more likely to be able to provide food and protection for the female and her offspring. When women pick the 'cool guys', they are doing so for evolutionary/genetic reasons, which may not be relevant in today's world, but very relevant on a psychological/emotional level.

The best way a man can improve his ability to get women is to rise above the other men competing for her affections - better looks, better style, more money, better job, more education - whatever it takes for him to be better than the competition in that specific culture in that specific moment in time. Only then will she be moved by what a 'nice guy' he is.

[Orsino]

116. Competing evolutionary strategies.

Men are driven to impregnate many women, in an effort to spread their genes around. We may not demand much from a sex partner, but it will take what we imagine to be a very special lady to get us to settle down, and there may be no end to our bluster about our alleged standards.

Women are of necessity forced to invest nearly all of their resources in a single birth, so it is in their best interests to hold onto the best provider they can find--this may be the nice guy who can be depended upon to stay, but a real asshole of sufficient means may be considered to suffice.