DU men who feel that love has past them by forever. Check in.

[maveric]

I'll be 49 in two days and am hopelessly celibate. Had an 18 year marriage that ended disastrously and the women I have dated have been selfish airheads and not sincere. My friends tell me that I'm too much of a nice guy. Whatever that means.

I feel like I've had my time and should look forward to being alone. Like there is nobody out there compatible. Like I am a terrible prospect for love and companionship.

I haven't totally reserved myself to a life of solitude but it appears that I am heading in that direction.

Any other pathetic souls like me? Check in please.

[brainshrub]

1. 49 days is hardly enough time to decide that love has pasted you forever.

Admittedly, falling in love requires a level of stupidity that the young have an abundance... but that doesn't mean that you can't fall in love in your late 80s.

Buck up. You'll survive.

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

2. Not sure I'm pathetic

but thought I'd offer a my perspective. I'm a few years older than you, but not enough to make a difference. I've found many women in our age group have never been married. Just like a man, you have to ask why a seemingly attractive woman would not have ever been married. Or in a relationship. There is usually a reason, similar to what you cited.
Also, when people get to be a certain age and can metaphorically see the end of the road, some tend to get 'protective'. They have accumulated a lifetime of things, money, real estate, etc. They don't want to share.
I'm not sure I'll ever get married again and am currently not involved either. I have come to realize I am somewhat selfish and a realtionship means giving up time, the most valuable asset any of us has.
You can be alone and not lonely. What is it you are looking for?
:shrug:
Good luck! :)

[maveric]

3. Someone to share my life with. To talk with, love with...

Do you think I'm looking for a co-dependancy relationship?

[havocmom]

6. Havocdad was 49 when I found him. Don't give up.

Do look in places where it is likely there will be women who share your values, interests. Companionship/friendship/love and yes, even passion still a possibility.

I had just about given up a few years back. Glad I kept an open, if somewhat picky, state of mind. ;)

[all.of.me]

30. that's not co-dependent! that's realistic!

co-dependency is completely taking care of a person, because you subconsciously think they can't do it themselves. it's actually a deficiency of the smotherer. it sounds like you just want a real relationship.

i have been single for seven years now. i've gone out with a few guys, have a few great guy friends, and am not even sure what i want. sometimes i think love would be grand, other times i enjoy my space. i guess if the right person comes along, it'll just happen. in the meantime, i'm cultivating these friendships i have.

holiday weekends seem to bring out these feelings of aloneness, too.

how old are your kids? i know one is 19. is he the only one?

[mike_c]

4. I'm 50, single after divorce, and not interested in doing it all over...

...anytime soon. Being single beats a bad relationship anyday.

[Tinoire]

14. Oh hush now Mike

you're just an incorrigeable Leftist curmudgeon ;)

Here's a Dorothy Parker curse just for you my friend-

Symptom Recital

I do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn's recurrent light;
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the simplest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
My world is but a lot of tripe.
I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.
For what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick. I am not well.
My quondam dreams are shot to hell.
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore:
I do not like me any more.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men.
I'm due to fall in love again.

[mike_c]

18. I bow to better poetry...

...and own up to full-on curmudgeonhood. Hiya, Tin. :hi:

[Tinoire]

19. Lol!

You are such a sweetie Mike!

I just couldn't resist throwing Dorothy Parker at you. You're no curmedgeon- just a realist as opposed to hopeless dreamers who keep ending up dashed and broken against the boulders of love.

If I could separate my heart from my soul, I'd be right there next to you but lol, I guess the DNA is different.

:hug:

On edit- Ever the gentleman, that's you!

[Demonaut]

31. awesome poem, I'll have to forward this to a friend

[hfojvt]

5. hey, you had an 18 year marriage dude

I am 43 and the most I ever had was a one year "relationship" that never even got as physical as a kiss (yes I know that is probably my fault, but in the first place I blame those accursed bucket seats in her car, and second when we are at her parents house watching movies she sat in a recliner instead of joining me on the couch). I have not had a date since 1998, have not even asked a woman out since 2003, or 2004 (I cannot remember for sure, and I did not say anything about it in my journal). All of the women I have dated, or tried to date, have been beautiful, intelligent, kind, creative, and looking for something better.
Friends. I am not sure I have any of those either.

[ooglymoogly]

7. for me alone in a big old house is.......

heaven. i can read, watch what i want eat what i want. i can languish away in a tub full of bubbles...i can tend the garden. if the doorbell rings, for me it spells disaster...yes i have become a recluse. one nephew who's company i enjoy visits once or twice a week fixing and futzing with the house, the rest just seem to want something....and i prefer the solitude and du...a little classical music on a great stereo and a few programs on tv.... so what i'm trying to say is enjoy the solitude open a good bottle of brandy. love if it is in the cards will come along when you least expect it and you can take it or leave it...learn to enjoy the solitude....49 is not so old if you are searching for love and companionship....love bah humbug...and ahh yes i have had my share of disastrous relationships and but a few good ones....but all in all i'd rather be in tumbridge wells.

[Tinoire]

8. Oh sigh... DU men

Forgive me for trespassing(not being a DU male and all), but none of you must be looking TOO hard!

This place seriously, seriously needs a dating service.

Maveric, check your in-box for a... pointer ;)

[hfojvt]

11. well I resemble that remark

especially from one who is not in the same boat. You simply do not know what it is like. No matter how much you observe, what is true in your circle is not necessarily univerally true.

[Tinoire]

16. I wish I could get into the match-making business at DU

It would be a GOLD-MIND! Do you know how many nice women there are in this world and here who would LOVE to hook up with intellectually, politically similar people? The trouble. I think, is that too many of us resign ourselves to the solitude but not all of us are suited for it.

I'm dead serious about this place being able to benefit from a dating service of course that could bring quite a bit of drama to DU when things don't quite work out.

I admit it's hard. I admit it's even harder when/if you've reached the point of many DUers where you can't settle for any empty-heads or non-progressives. Lol, I don't admit it- I KNOW it.

Maybe I should rephrase that from "not looking too hard" to "not looking in the right places"? I'll agree that I'm not in your same boat but I'm definitely in the same water and there are tons of us just paddling around waiting to meet someone compatible who's bright and caring.

I seriously wish you friends & companionship. You never know... could happen tomorrow on your way to the store or at a progressive gathering.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

20. I agree that men don't look in the right places

Or else they're looking at the wrong women.

I had lunch with my cousin a couple of weeks ago, and we both agreed: You see women singly and in pairs at arts events, like plays, musical concerts, dance concerts, and flim festivals, and very few men alone, mostly men with women or gay men in pairs.

Guys, there are literally dozens of middle-aged straight single women per middle-aged straight single man at the typical arts event.

Strike up conversations with the women in the lobby or in the refreshment line--not the ones who look like super models or your ultimate fantasy (they will reject you for sure), but the ones who look no more or no less attractive than YOU.

And every guy who says that "women don't like him" should get a frank evaluation from a platonic female friend. You cannot tell and no man can tell either how you come across to the opposite sex. Only a woman can tell you that. (I received one of those frank evaluations from the husband of a friend many years ago, and I wish I had gotten it years earlier. It was very informative.)

You could do those two difficult things--get out of your comfort zone and attend arts events as well as having a female friend evaluate you--or you could stay on DU and play "poor me."

[TreasonousBastard]

9. Bah, humbug...

I've got 10 years on you and have no problem meeting good women.

Of course, part of it is that I'm not exuding the aura of desperation. I wouldn't mind finding another love of my life at this point, but I don't find it necessary.

I would, however, find it to be a great convenience.

[hfojvt]

12. in the singles groups I have gone to

there is never a shortage of women over 55. So, if I live another 17 years, then I too, might have an easy time of it. It is simply a different story when you are under 45.

[TreasonousBastard]

15. Avoid "singles groups" like the plague they are...

and wipe off the stench of desperation that pervades them all.

I am personally most attracted to women in their 30's and 40's, all other things being more or less equal. We shall avoid any discussion of what I find physically attractive, as that merely clouds the issue.

At any rate, there are scads of them that I meet through work, through church, through organizations that I belong to...

I never, ever, hit on anyone or show even the slightest romantic interest until we know each other well enough to know pretty much which way it could go.

That could take a few minutes, or a year, but I know what I'm getting into. And so does she.

[Wapsie B]

17. I think the problem here is meeting women

in everyday life and turning a casual acquaintance into a possible romantic partner. Saying hi to women and being polite, maybe even making small talk with them depending on the situation is not hard for me. It's finding the available women out there who I want to approach and taking it to the next level is what's so difficult.

[TreasonousBastard]

22. And you're not alone...

most of us are tormented by demons that started chasing us when we were very young and we have the scars to prove it. It is, I believe, still more difficult for women, although more and more of them are willing and able to make the advances.

It's not any easier now when we pause to think that an advance could be grounds for a nasty lawsuit or some other embarassing and expensive legal action.

Simplest thing is to grab on to something that comes up in conversation, which you can steer. If, for instance, you are interested in art, casually mention an interesting exhibit, preferably one that has much publicity, and and if she shows interest, suggest you both go. Expand this concept, as it is an almost guranteed winner for even the most timid and confused. It also screens out those women you have little in common with. Or who have no interest in you.

If she is interested in you at all, she will often not be interested in a "date" until she knows you better, so something neutral where she can get to know you better would be the thing.

Of course, it always depends... somtimes a simple "Can I get you breakfast" works just as well.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

21. Singles' groups--ewww

:scared:

[BlueIris]

29. Didn't think I'd find anything in this thread to agree with or support,

but I completely second the negative sentiments about "singles" groups. Yech. Not that I've even considered going anywhere near any of those things for a number of years, but I highly recommend avoiding them 'cause I STILL fear the brief encounters with them I was exposed to.

[silverweb]

10. Hey, mav, it can be good.

Like Tinoire, I apologize for invading this male sanctuary, but a female point of view might be useful.

I'm 56, twice divorced, and have been uninvolved romantically for quite some time now. I am not unhappy about it. Granted, I've become a tad antisocial and maybe even a bit of a recluse, but I like it that way. I've been told by some (only people who wanted something from me -- namely servitude) that I have a problem "sharing." *LOL* Yeah, that could be quite true to some point.

For you, I'd suggest hanging out with like-minded people more -- in the flesh, not just on line. DFA MeetUps, perhaps? Hold back on mentioning your personal wants/needs and develop simple friendships first. Things have a way of developing naturally from there.

[GOPisEvil]

13. It has to catch me before it passes me by.

Eh...my time will come. And if not, it's a good thing I enjoy my own company. :D

[SarahB]

23. Why just men?

Granted, I'm only as celibate probably as I choose to be, but as far as anything else.... ha ha ha ha ha ha! Rarely do I ever meet anyone I fit with on all levels and when I do, it's even worse. Some things I just wish I never knew.

[MadisonProgressive]

24. I hear you, brother!

I've been married (13 years). I have 2 kids. I have been living with a woman now for about 11 years. But I've never in my life been truly in love. I'd though I was in love when I got married, but it turned out I loved her like a best friend or a maybe like a mother/sister/daughter - but not the true deep love that I've always thought was possible. I'm 50 now and I am beginning to think my best days are behind me. To tell you the truth, saving the planet for my children has become much more important to me that my own needs.

[thecai]

25. Hey Sweetie!

Maveric, you're still young enough to find a good lady, just don't give up, and don't stop being nice. ;-)

[leftofthedial]

26. yo!

practically ditto, except 27 years married.

How is that possible?

[JackDragna]

27. You're not pathetic.

Living alone is a liberating experience. No one to answer to, no one to tell you how to live your life. Discovering who and what you are is the most exciting journey in the world. Don't turn your nose up at it so quickly.

[Deja Q]

28. Count me in.

But at least you managed to get married. I can't get beyond a first date. :)

[all.of.me]

32. happy birthday!

i forgot to put that in my other post!

my daughter will be 15 on the same day. for what that's worth!

[Lydia Leftcoast]

33. Okay, I have to ask:

On nearly every thread like this, I have told lovelorn men to attend arts events and strike up conversations with women in the lobby or refreshment line AND to have a platonic female friend evaluate them.

How many of you have actually had the guts to do this?