F W B ~ check-in

[In_The_Wind]

It seems that during my years of not dating things have changed quite a bit.

For those of us who don't want to marry (or remarry) one of the possibilities are *friends with benefits*.

Does this fit into your lifestyle? If you have more that one FWB do you share this information with your *friend*?

discuss

[sundog]

1. oh lord no...

i'll spare my friends the horror... cause i'm a friend :P

[In_The_Wind]

2. oops .. I don't want ANY details! just thoughts

no one should kiss and tell

:hi:

[sundog]

5. i'm not sure...

it's something i could really get into...

i date, but you can figure out pretty quickly if it's gonna work or not...

humans are complex emotional creatures & there are some precarious territories in friendship that i don't particularly want to tread on

[In_The_Wind]

8. as far as existing friendships go ... I wouldn't want to change those

I'm thinking more along the line of new acquaintances. People who I would enjoy dating and hanging out with but not someone to be with 7 days a week.

[sundog]

10. i see...

as long as you both go into something with an understanding...

anything that challenges existing moral structure is of interest to me...

a certain amount of "morality" is buried in our subconscious mind... there is no way around it... the extent to which you question it & redefine it... or conclude its paradox & fallacy... will be a deciding factor in how well your personal approach to a non "conventional" relationship will work for you...

whatever works best for you & your partner :)

[In_The_Wind]

12. exactly

it is something which needs to be agreed upon


I feel the non-conventional aspects of the relationship may allow more personal growth. It requires making conscious decisions rather than relying on learned behaviors to guide our choices.

[sundog]

19. personal growth...

that is always important to me...

i have recently concluded (through my share of lousy dates) that the bottom line has to be trust... without trust there is restraint... where there is restraint there is no personal growth... you cannot break new ground

[In_The_Wind]

22. Trust is imperative!

I try to act in the best interest of all concerned ... which isn't easy because that also means that I don't always do what I want to do for myself but it is an important way of life for me.

My friends count on my honesty.

Trust is one of the most important things in all of my relationships.

At one time I believed a person's word until I was given a reason not to. Sadly that is changing a little bit. The people I have known are teaching me to be more skeptical and I don't care for it. On the flip side of that my current friendships are becoming more genuine.

Life isn't always as I would have it to be but it is becoming more interesting by the day.

[CrownPrinceBandar]

14. You're right.............

I think there is a certain amount of internalized morality we harbor as a species, and there is a large part of the culture that reinforces the morality that there is one and only one person for you.

The internalized morality, I believe, comes from the desire to procreate that alot folks are subject to. By procreate, I don't necessarily mean to physically have children, it could also mean adopting or some other arrangement that satisfies our human need to rear and care for something. It gives us a feeling of immortality, that we have passed piece of ourselves (literally and figuratively) on to another generation.

For me, a friend with benefits would be fun, but at the same time difficult. I would love to have the chance at frequent intimacy, but without all the commitment "baggage". However, I sometimes give my heart easily, and might be hurt by my FWB, seeking out other benefits as opposed to mine. And I don't think I'm alone in this mindset.

[In_The_Wind]

16. therein lies the tight rope balancing act

The desire to have a family does promote bonding to one mate for the wellbeing of the family structure.

As I look around I see so many young people who don't want to raise children also many who have already passed that stage of their lives. For some of that population a FWB might be ideal.

In nurturing FWB relationships there are still commitments between two people who are both friends and lovers without becoming possessive as the monogamous relationships often are. If there is a loving type of feeling there shouldn't be a crash and burn effect as/if the sexual part of the relationship comes to an end ... the bond of friendship should continue.

[CrownPrinceBandar]

20. But that is the crux of the biscuit...........

"If there is a loving type of feeling there shouldn't be a crash and burn effect as/if the sexual part of the relationship comes to an end ... the bond of friendship should continue."

I don't think everybody is mature enough to carry that off. In my life I have seen many folks who were "just messing around", and proclaimed to know and accept as much, become very hurt when the other friend either moved on or found a steady. I really think the difficulty comes from our society's mores about sex.

It seems to me that the prevalent attitude is that sex is for makin' babies only, and not as Maude Lebowski says "a zesty enterprise". I think that sex has become so pigeon-holed as part of replication, that many folks look down on sex outside of marriage, or sex within ones gender as loose behavior. We have become closed-minded about the issue and hang our whole moralities on the issue of sex.

[In_The_Wind]

23. closed-mindedness is self defeating

No - not everyone is mature enough to carry it off but some are. Growth isn't always easy and it's lovely when it works.

[CrownPrinceBandar]

24. Well said.

[skygazer]

31. See post #29

I and my friend carried it off quite well. We remain friends though our "benefits" ended some 7 years ago and there were never any hard feelings when they did.

I grew up during the 60's and 70's. When I became sexually active in the late 70's, I and all my friends all slept with each other - it was not any kind of going steady, serious dating thing. My best girlfreind and I slept with all the same guys - sex was very much a "zesty enterprise". Hell, I had three male friends who shared an apartment - at one point or another, I slept with every one of them and they all knew it. No one took it seriously. I'm sure that sounds shocking to some people but it was just the climate of the times for us. Experimentation. Checking it all out. No strings attached.

I don't regret it a bit. Frankly, I find it healthier (mentally) than the current attitude of "going steady" at the age of 13 or however young they're going steady these days. True, there was a great danger of STD's and pregnancy (we thought about the pregnancy, not so much the STD's) but our attitudes about sex were, I think, pretty healthy. And virtually all of my friends ended up in healthy, monogamous relationships. :shrug:

[sundog]

17. good...

then we are on the same page :)

[CrownPrinceBandar]

21. Yup.....

Appears that way. :thumbsup:

[Wapsie B]

3. I think FWB is an option for a lot of people.

A lot of marriages fail and many don't want to go through that ordeal twice. Having a regular sex life is a poor excuse to get married. Serial monogamy is more in tune with a lot of people. Someone who has more than one FWB should share than info with their other "friends."

[In_The_Wind]

11. You're totally making sense there.

honesty and practicing safe sex is always important

yes, you made a good point about serial monogamy being right for many people

[tjdee]

4. I don't think I could do that. (Adrien Brody, if reading, ignore that.)

I've never had an opportunity for that...but I don't think I'm the sort. At all.

I'd be interested in how many supportive replies are from men.

[In_The_Wind]

6. Adrien Brody ?

so ... if I 'm reading this right except for this "Adrien Brody" person ... you wouldn't consider being intimate with someone unless it is a committed relationship which is more than an ongoing friendship.

I'm hearing lots of women say that they want to date, and have a lover but they aren't interested in getting married or moving in together. However, I will ask the people who do reply in an attempt to answer your question about the post coming from men or women.

[tjdee]

7. Oh, LOL, he's an actor.

But you're right about my opinion (for me). Being intimate with someone on my part implies that we have a relationship beyond friendship. That doesn't mean I want to marry him, or move in with him.

Actually, I don't think I'd be comfortable with a F*** Buddy relationship with Adrien Brody either.

Sigh. I really am a prude.

[In_The_Wind]

9. nope ... that doesn't make you a prude at all.

I get the feeling that the F***Buddy relationship is talked about much more than it actually happens and that the old way of calling someone lover hasn't been replaced by some degree of friends with benefits.

[xmas74]

13. I've thought about going that route.

It wouldn't be the end of the world if you and your "friend" agreed on it being just the two of you for that reason. Once either of you met someone else it would be over. I know too many people who have gotten married because they confused sex w/ love. Maybe if they had done this instead they would have realized the difference.

[In_The_Wind]

28. confusion can lead to disastrous decisions

There are emotions which are attached to any sexual encounter and I agree with you lust isn't love.


:evilgrin: but it ain't bad either :woohoo:

[xmas74]

30. "Lust isn't love"

I wish more people would realize that.

[Lauri16]

15. Nothing wrong with it

Before I got married, I had 2 FWB's. As others have said, once you find someone more permanant and you and they realize that the one part of it is over, no one gets hurt. We're still friends to this day. My husband knows about it, no biggie.

[In_The_Wind]

34. there is a season for everything

you enjoyed being single until you found the perfect person for you ... congratulations:toast:

[leftofthedial]

18. I'm about to embark on singlehood for the first time in 30 years

I'm looking for a few FWBLs (friends with big libidos)

If you have more than one relationship, I think you owe it to all to be open about that fact.

[In_The_Wind]

36. *FWBL* ... friends with big libidos ...

I must say I like your attitude! I wish you the best of luck. ... remember ... be careful out there :think:

[leftofthedial]

37. I am the soul of caution

if not discretion . . .

[In_The_Wind]

39. very good

discretion blended with an intelligent measure of caution is an excellent way to proceed

[leftofthedial]

45. look out world!

Here comes lotd!

LOL

[In_The_Wind]

54. ... have fun out there ...

a whole lot of men and women agree that life without sex sucks ... big time!

:applause: welcome back to the dating world leftofthedial !

[bridgit]

25. "*friends with benefits*"

i thought i had the gist of this until i suppose i reckoned that discrete, no strings attached sex could be considered by some as a *benefit*, which i do not do in that i do not 'cheat'. probably more info than required...

or, or...do you mean: medical, dental, vision...stuff like that :shrug: cause we're fully leveraged as a unit

i know you've seen me refer to him as 'hubby' but he is in fact 'boyfriend'. it's just that we are so tight we function as would a married couple. we've both been in 'the trenches', kids are raised or off & running, and we aren't in any rush to saddle up per se so i guess i am, otherwise, checking in
:patriot:

[In_The_Wind]

40. a "hubby" definitely can be called a friend and the benefits are endless

however ... perhaps raising a family together puts you into a different category ... you are more than just intimate friends ... you sound more like ... partners in live :applause:

[bridgit]

43. Joan, you have it right as always, hon...

:kick: :loveya: :yourock: :patriot:

[Redstone]

26. Where the hell was this "FWB" phenomenon when I was single

and could have used it?

Redstone

[In_The_Wind]

42. How long ago did you find Mrs. Redstone?

I'm not sure when FWB became acceptable behavior. I do know that it surprised the heck outta me when I started dating again 3 years ago.

[Wapsie B]

27. I think this type of relationship has been around

for quite awhile. It's just more visible and out in the open now. When growing up I can remember hearing of the shock and horror of two 20 something's living together. *gasp* But these same people had no problem with someone in their golden years whose spouses had died doing the very same thing.

[In_The_Wind]

44. I find that an odd double standard...

but as we know ... some older couples do forgo marriage for the financial benefits however I don't think that living together falls into the FWB category.

[skygazer]

29. I've been in the position before

After my divorce, I was not ready for any kind of committed relationship but eventually found that I craved some kind of closeness and, to be blunt, really needed some good sex. Eventually, I met up with a friend who I'd known for many years who was in the same place - his fiance had been killed in a car accident a year earlier and he was not ready to see anyone seriously either.

Our particular situation worked very well for us. Both of us recognized it for what it was (whenever I hear the John Mellencamp song "Lonely Old Night" I think of him) and it was very comforting but non-threatening as well.

To me, the most important aspect of this situation is honesty about what it is. Both parties have to be on board for it to work. And it can work very well. I'm now happily involved in a committed relationship but I have fond memories of my friend and what we had.

[In_The_Wind]

47. your story adds support to FWBs ... thank you

you took a mature look at both your needs and did what was right :applause: it's great to hear that you have pleasant memories and even better to hear about your happiness today:hug:

[Kat45]

32. It can make a lot of sense at certain points in one's life.

I have a FWB currently; we've been seeing each other off and on (mostly on) for close to two years. I just turned 50 this year, and though I'd love to have a life partner, I haven't yet met an appropriate candidate for that position. :-) At this point in time, I honestly don't see the point of dating guys who I wouldn't be interested in spending my life with.

Sex is important to me, and a FWB situation is perfect right now. My FWB is 34 and he's looking to meet someone for marriage and family, as he's always wanted kids. We're honest with each other, and we like and respect each other. Neither of us has another FWB at this time, and when he meets someone and starts dating, we don't see each other. Then if it doesn't work out, we get back together.

Though I do hope to meet someone, I love my situation right now. And believe me, turning 50 was much easier for me knowing that a handsome young guy was attracted to me and wanting to be with me. And I'm not exaggerating when I say I'm having the best sex of my life right now. (And I think he might be too.) :-)

[In_The_Wind]

48. excellent

there is much to be said for dating younger men :thumbsup: I do

I'm sure you'll miss your young lover if he finds the woman he wants to marry and raise children with but you both have the good sense to *enjoy the moment*. Many people let life pass them by while waiting for the perfect partner to share happiness with. You are making wonderful memories:applause:

[alarimer]

33. It's a possibility for me

I know that between work and school I don't really have time for a real relationship (and I am not sure I really want one but it could happen I suppose). I also am very tired of doing without sex (which I have for about 5 years now). So the friends with benefits is an attractive idea. The problem I haven't found the right friend. That's almost as hard work as finding someone to date seriously. I have done it before though, with an ex after the breakup but before he got married. It was okay.

[In_The_Wind]

49. connections are often difficult at first

When I was young, single and going to college I dated other students and professors. I worked full time for a few years between high school and college so I was about 5 years older than most of the students. In the early 70's so many people were into the *bar scene*, it seemed like too many people were only interested in one night stands. We called it the *4 F syndrome*. No one likes to feel used so I'm happy that *sport fucking* is a thing of the past (or I hope it is).

It seems like men are just as shy as women when it comes to starting intimate relationships ... so ya never know until ya flirt a bit:thumbsup: good luck!

I decided some time ago that for me... celibacy sucks ... and I don't mean that in a good way :evilfrown: so the only thing I am interested in is long term good friends with benefits.

[BlondieK143]

35. It depends.

I think as long as both people are honest in what they want out of things and are being safe about it, who's to judge? I've had one before and it's the best sex I've ever had. No strings, just hardcore passion and umm, for lack of a better word, flavor. I want to eventually find that person to share the rest of my life with, but right now, I'm not ready to be tied down. This way, I'm pleased without the drama.

[In_The_Wind]

50. hurray to the end of melodrama

life should be enjoyed safely, sanely and consensually. There is something to be said for hardcore passion occasionally:evilgrin:

I think we all should mindfully enjoy today while looking forward to tomorrow.

[Felix Mala]

38. It usually ends up both of you view each other as losers...

Still, loser sex is better than no sex at all...

[In_The_Wind]

51. I can understand that point of view if ...

losing one another makes you feel like a loser.

If on the other hand if you can look at what you've shared as being something good for both of you , you might change your mind to enjoy FWB and life a bit more... just sayin ~

[rug]

41. The things we have to do to get health care!

[In_The_Wind]

52. that is fodder for another thread

yes, there are people who marry for reasons other than because they're in-love and want to raise a family ...........

[mark414]

46. it works for me

[In_The_Wind]

53. coolness

:thumbsup: