I think I may have met "The One" today, UNFORTUNATELY,

[liberalhistorian]

he's currently heartbroken and on the rebound, and I have no idea when, or even if, I'll ever have a chance with him.

I'm STILL tingling, though! I'm the office manager and paralegal for a sole practitioner attorney, and I had to make a special trip to work today to assist him with a new client. The client was a man in his thirties, like me, who'd been with the same woman for ten years and they had an eight-year-old son. They'd bought an old house together, spent money and time fixing it up, then sold it a few years later for a lot more than they originally paid for it. They then used that money to purchase another house four years later which, due to his credit, they agreed to put just in her name even though he also contributed equally to the purchase of the house as well as the mortgage payments.

They had been engaged for a few years. She came home one day in early June of this year and told him she'd been cheating on him and she wanted him out of the house. She offered him only ten thousand dollars, when he had tens of thousands more in equity in the home. Because it was in her name, however, he needs help in getting that, and that's where my boss comes in, since he's a real estate attorney who's previously handled similar cases (they're called "constructive trust" cases). We had to put together an Affidavit of Facts for immediate filing with the county Recorder, in order to do what's known as "clouding the title" of the house, and then begin work on drafting a Constructive Trust Complaint to begin the litigation.

Anyway, the second I met him and shook his hand, it was like I'd known him all my life. I've almost never experienced that before (I'm a 38-year-old never-married single parent, my son is twelve). We'd talked several times earlier in the week, and I'd gotten to know him and his situation a little bit. He needed to talk, as well, since he was really broken up about all of this (he said he had really been in love with her and still loved her), and I know how it was affecting him. He said he didn't know if he could ever trust anyone again, or deal with any kind of relationship again, since it just seemed to come out of the blue and everything shattered at once. He's under a lot of stress, and having trouble focusing at work. To make things even worse, he still lives in the house because if he left, he'd be giving up any claim to it, and his ex's boyfriend, the man she was cheating on him with, calls and comes over, which really hurts him.

I had told him of my own situation when we'd talked on the phone, that my son's father suddenly threw me out of the house when I was pregnant, leaving me out in the cold physically and emotionally, so I had some idea of where he was coming from and knew what he meant when he talked about not knowing if he could trust again and that kind of thing. When I was talking to him on the phone before I met him, I felt an immediate connection with him and didn't want to stop talking to him.

But, OMG, when we finally met today in person, it was, as I've said, just incredible. While I'm an incurable old-fashioned romantic, I never really believed in love at first sight, but now I'm reconsidering that! I found myself wishing I could just spend the rest of the afternoon talking to him, it didn't matter where, whether it was over lunch or dinner or just at the office, as long as I was talking to him. I felt like a teenager, and I still do tonight! I've almost never felt this kind of excitement upon meeting someone of the opposite sex. I was just so immediately at ease with him, it was unbelievable. I couldn't believe his fiance had done what she did to him. Now I actually can't wait to get to the office on Monday and talk to him again!

The problem, though, and there always seems to be a problem like this whenever I do meet someone, is that he's coming down from the nasty breakup of a ten-year relationship that he had thought would last forever and wanted to last forever, and he's still in love with her. How do I even know if he felt anything at all when he met me, or if he will ever even think of me at all, least of all in that way? I'm so tired of things like this happening to me, never meeting people and then, on the rare occasions when I finally do, there's always a catch, or baggage, or they don't notice me or think of me in that way, etc., etc., etc. I can't help but wondering when it's going to be my turn. But I'm serious in that I have NEVER felt this way when meeting anyone else. So now what the hell am I going to do?

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

1. Well, of course you know this... but slow down and think things

out before you act.
If he is "the" guy, great.
If not, well, have fun if you want.

Just don't go getting yourself hurt. In any way.

Okay?

[liberalhistorian]

8. I do know that, lol!

My frustration is that I don't know if he felt even slightly the same way and that, even if he did, he is, as he said, heartbroken right now and another woman is probably the last thing on his mind.

And how do I get him to notice me if he didn't? And what if he never does? That's what's so incredibly frustrating, and I'm really tired of things like this happening to me. Emotionally, it always seems to be other people who get what they want as far as things like this is concerned, even though intellectually I know that's a stupid way to feel and it's not at all the case.

[MojoKrunch]

20. Dr Joy Brown

If you've can't get her radio show, look through her books on relationships.

Your reticence is justified, this guy is *way* too confused right now to do a relationship justice.

Dr. Brown employs the "one year rule" for people who are getting out of committed relationships.
Simply: wait one year from the "day" of the actual divorce.
A bit more tricky if they're not married, but in essence, they need to take the time for themselves to get their heads and hearts straight.

//And how do I get him to notice me if he didn't? And what if he never does?//
My take: Be professional and friendly but not overt during this working relationship.
Do *not* become his Mother-Confessor.(he might not want to date someone who knows all the gorey details?)
Once the professinal relationship is ended meet with him and explain that you are attracted to him(I wouldn't go into any sort of detail or depth) and that you'd love it if he gave you a call when he felt like he'd sorted his life out.
And then leave it alone.

This may mean waiting for a while.
You don't want to become "the rebound", right?

//That's what's so incredibly frustrating, and I'm really tired of things like this happening to me. Emotionally, it always seems to be other people who get what they want as far as things like this is concerned, even though intellectually I know that's a stupid way to feel and it's not at all the case.//
Sounds like you might want to do some work over this issue.
There is nothing wrong with feeling like you are being selfish.
Just don't let it be a self-defeating thing.

Look at it this way.
You get to make friends with a great guy and make it all a less painful experience for him.
Sometimes it should be enough just to do something good for someone else.
Ya know?

Good luck.

Mojo

[liberalhistorian]

22. That's very good advice,

and objective, too, which is what I need right now. And you're absolutely correct about being purely professional until the legal case is finished. And no, I definitely do NOT want to be the "rebound relationship", that is never fun and it never works.

[Don_G]

2. Do What You Can When You Can

Life is messy enough without making things overly complicated.

[Ellen Forradalom]

3. Patience, my friend.

If it's meant to be, it'll work out.

He'll pick up on your feelings through your demeanor. He'll respond as he wishes. Enjoy that in-love feeling. It's very special.

[liberalhistorian]

11. I know that it is, indeed, a very

special feeling, and that's the frustrating thing. I have no clue if he felt at all the same way, and he's got a lot to work through emotionally and legally anyway. So it's hard to enjoy that feeling if it isn't mutual and if there's a lot of baggage. It's been so long since I've experienced that, also, and I'm really getting tired of watching others experience it while wondering if and when it'll ever be my turn.

[Swede]

4. I hope he wasn't a really bad Chinese actor.

[Capn Sunshine]

5. Oh Man.......

where to start LH? You're a sweetheart and wear your heart on your sleeve, but certainly you must realize :

1) This is a client. You could jeopardize his case and your job by having a relationship. ( ah the thrill of forbidden fruit)

2)Baggage with a capital B rebound relationships rarely work out.
This guy is probably going to be adversarily involved with this woman for minimum , six months more, maybe longer. The whole time he's going to be behaving in a way which is not really "Him" but is "the man caught when the thing blows up in his face "
Speaking as someone who has lived through this personally ( multiple real estate partnerships, community property state, court ordered sales, at a cost of several hundred thousand in future profits) I can tell you that if my wife of 20 years had met me THEN she would have had nothing to do with me as I wasn't the person I became when I met her 5 years later. I had to dump the baggage and re-invent myself as someone who wasn't focused on the past and being a victim
Is any of this sounding familiar?

Other than that, hey , you're gonna do what you will anyway, but heads up. The odds are agin you sweetie, and you deserve a lot better in a relationship IMO.

[liberalhistorian]

9. I'm glad you think I'm a sweetheart,

lol! And yes, I do have an unfortunate tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve, no matter how much I've tried not to.

And yes you do, indeed, make very valid points. I'm not thinking of any kind of immediate relationship, and certainly nothing until the case is over, which could be a couple of years if past experience is any indication. And it may not matter anyway, because he may not even feel the same way or ever really notice me. THAT'S the frustrating part, lol!

[populistmom]

6. All you can do is give it a try

Relationships are diving in sometimes without knowing exactly what you're jumping into and there's never really a guarantee. Sometimes things last a night, or a month, or ten years, or 20 years, or forever. All you can do is get to know the guy and give it a chance.

On edit, I realized the client part. Maybe you should put it on hold until the case is done though as not to risk anything for him.

[liberalhistorian]

10. Yes, you're correct,

even if he does notice me, it would be best to both let him work his emotions out and wait until his case is over with, which could be quite a while, given past experience with these types of cases.

[supernova]

7. Be very careful

he has a lot on his mind right now, to say the least. If you like him, let him work things out with his soon to be ex first, and give him the best paralegal service you can. ;-) Just keep in the loop.

[roughsatori]

12. If you wrote out an exact description of "the one" for you

would it include a man in love with another woman and on the rebound? You always sound like such a great person to me, please be cautious. Think, will starting something romantic (even if he wants to too) with this man ultimately enhance or hurt the quality of your, and your son's, life (then act accordingly). Good luck, the heart is a cruel master.

I know that if I were in a similar circumstance I would go for the Love and damn the consequences--then regret the outcome when it turned crazy. I am one of those people who will ask anyone out for a date at the drop of a hat with no shame (it is a blessing and a curse).

[liberalhistorian]

13. LOL!

I know exactly what you mean, and it is, indeed, both a blessing and a curse. In my head, I know you're correct, emotionally and in my heart it's a different story (isn't that usually the case). And I know very well what you mean when you say you'd go for it, then lament the consequences, been there and done that, too many times. You'd think I'd have learned by now! The problem is, I'm an eternal optimist, I always think that "this time" it will be different.

[roughsatori]

16. Now I'm laughing because "I'm an eternal optimist" too

when it comes to affairs of the heart. I was on the phone earlier with an old friend. She and I were reminiscing over our various obsessions, stalkings, and heart-aches (we were laughing at ourselves fondly the entire time).

[Swede]

17. Did Shakespear say it was better to have loved and lost?

No it's not. Try it William.

[liberalhistorian]

24. Actually, I think what he meant was

that true love is so special and so rare, and so wonderful (or so I've heard, I've come close, but never really experienced it fully myself, my 29-year crush on Barry Manilow notwithstanding, lol!) and many people don't ever get to experience it, so that when someone does experience it and then loses it, through death or whatever, at least they've been able to have that experience that so many other people never have. I'm sure beginning to wonder if I'll ever be lucky enough to experience it. I'm 14 months away from turning 40, and I ain't gettin' any younger, ya know!

[4323Lopez]

14. careful...

You are soo going to scare him OFF...take a deep breath and try to stop obsessing :)

[liberalhistorian]

15. I have NO intention of

"obsessing" or anything at else like that, believe me, I know personally just how annoying that is and how it drives people away. Even on the off chance that he did notice me, it'd be way too soon for him to start anything and we'd need to finish his legal case first, also.

[grasswire]

19. I wonder.....

.....if there's some subliminal issue with being attracted to guys who aren't really available -- you said something about that being the norm. And I'm remembering our email exchange of a few months ago. Remember? You wouldn't be the first woman in the world to go for guys who aren't in a position to reciprocate. But you can work through it.

[liberalhistorian]

23. Yes, I do remember, and

you make a valid point. I'm really beginning to wonder why that is.

[LTR]

18. Why do the most obvious relationships seem 'not to be'?

I'd definitely give this one patience. It may happen, it may not.

Off topic: Does your state have a 'common law" marriage statute, since your client has been with his girlfriend for over seven years?

[liberalhistorian]

28. I could be wrong, but I'm

pretty certain Ohio is not a common law state. Seems like it should be, but it isn't. That's why I wouldn't just live with someone that long, because, when things like this happen, even if you've been accumulating assets together, you're screwed and it means nothing to the law. If someone is willing to live with you for more than a year or two, they should be willing to marry.

[latebloomer]

21. Hey lh!

Been thinkin about you! Did you have the meeting at your son's school yet??

[liberalhistorian]

25. Yes, I did have the meeting on Thursday and I posted

an account of it that afternoon in GD. I have it bookmarked, but damned if I know how to link it for you, techno-dummy that I am!

[latebloomer]

27. Damn!

I'm a dummy too in cybermatters. I could search for it, I guess, but I'm too lazy right now.

[Jonte_1979]

26. You met Neo today!?

Awesome!:D

[liberalhistorian]

29. LOL!

Are you talking about NeoProgressive? He lives near me, and we've emailed a few times but he's never suggested any kind of meeting, so I've just left it alone. I'm probably too old for him, anyway, lol!

[cosmosmom]

33. Neo

"You met Neo Today?"



a fellow Matrix head after my own heart. This is what I thought when I first saw the post, too! :-) 2 days to go!!

[blm]

30. Two words: Be Patient!

.

[liberalhistorian]

31. Good advice, thanks!

And patience is something I've had to learn when it comes to these matters. Unfortunately, I'm getting a little impatient with being patient!

[hussar]

32. Know exactly where your'e coming from

I have been that way myself and still get into that situation now, no advice just understanding, good luck

[DancingBear]

34. Show him the pictures of all of us at the D.C. rally

If he doesn't run, it might work... :)

[marzipanni]

35. Interesting,

they were together for ten years, had a son after two, were engaged the last few. Sounds like they were sort of trying to make it work but I would think the woman would like to be married in this situation unless she really was only feigning comittment. Eventually he'll realize he's better off without her, and you can have been that calm, stabilizing influence in his time of crisis... you know, the kind of woman he would love to love now that he's gained ten years of maturity. ;-)