New and improved Male Rules

[4323Lopez]

This is silly, but all in the spirit of fun, so don't be offended guys...

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Finally!! So these are OUR rules! Please note that these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

Female Answer: Of course they are all numbered "1". We all know that men have a difficult time keeping their priorities straight. However, men, let us help you out...
Rule #1: Women make the rules.
Rule #2: If in doubt, ask your mother.
Rule #3: Refer to rule #1 .


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Female Answer: Learn to aim. In the case of a miss-fire, wipe. If you did this, a seat down wouldn't be an issue. You're a big boy. Work the hand-eye coordination.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.
FA: Pay day = shopping. It's like the full moon. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.
FA: Avoidance is war.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
FA: Give us what we want. Let us be clear on this one. When we "just say it," just give it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
FA: Great, we'll be sure to keep our communications to a minimum. Sit, fetch, and down boy should be an acceptable response.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for!
FA: If we come to you with a problem, we're desperate. If you help us solve it, we're in trouble!

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
FA: Honey, why increase our medical costs? My twenty-two year old assistant has seemed to cure of my aliment from time to time.

1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
FA: This is true for receipts. Anything we spent six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all receipts become null and void after seven days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
FA: If you don't act like a soap opera guy, don't expect us to dress like the Victoria's Secret girls.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
FA: If you think you're going bald, you probably are. Don't ask us. And definitely, don't grow your hair long and whip it around your head.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
FA: Same

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
FA: We just want you to get it right the first time; a women doesn't have time for re-work. "Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." - Charlotte Whitton

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. The networks have already hired commentators.
FA: Likewise, please refrain during sports.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. FA: Yes, however the trip was sanctioned by Queen Isabel; he was supposed to go to Asia; it took him four 'voyages'; and he never made it. Hmmm...

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
FA: Believe me, if you were asked to wear a mauve pair of pants with a peach shirt, you would know what colors these are or at the very least, quickly change your default settings to 256 true colors and object.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
FA: So do orangutans.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
FA: When you ask us what is wrong, we know you are lying. You know exactly what is wrong and it is not worth our breath to explain it.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. Warning: This may cause a 17 month headache.
FA: Same

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
FA: Ladies, unfortunately, anything more than that would be a stretch. That's why we have girlfriends.

1. You have enough clothes.
FA: You have drank enough beer.

1. You have too many shoes.
FA: You have too many tools.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
FA: Women don't mind either. We put your there, right? Finally we get a good night's sleep with more than 1/4 of the bed and without your snoring or slobbering on our pillow. See you in the morning...