I need some DU sanity and hugs tonight...teenager problems

[cally]

I have a 16 year old daughter who has been planning a week long car trip to Southern California with three other friends. It's a big deal to her and she was so excited. The plan was to stay with one girl's relatives and supposedly there was no time to see my own family down there. My daughter just came home and said that the friend's relatives said that they cannot accomodate more than one friend so she was told she cannot go. My daughter again suggested they stay at her relatives but the 'friend' said she wouldn't want to hurt her relatives feelings. My daughter is devastated. She could have planned something with other friends but she stayed loyal to this group and now she is dumped.

Some background and why I am so mad. The girl started coming to my house in second grade. I actually banned her from my house for a few years because she was nasty to my younger daughter. In recent years, my daughter got close to her again but my husband and I have done everything to discourage the friendship. She has told my daughter she is not pretty, not competent and not smart. Oh my youngest is a dork and I'm scary and weird. And our pets are undisciplined. (That might be true ;-)) Many times my daughter leaves her house feeling horrible about herself.

So I call the Dad and talk. He was actually fairly restrained but he says it's all justified because my daughter invited herself??? Umm, if she did than the friends should say no and allow my daughter to make other plans which she would have. I've sat next to the four of them discussing plans for this trip many times. If she did initially invite herself then there has been many times for them to make plans without her. Furthermore, close friends invite themselves all the tima and friends tell them when it doesn't work. Canceling at the last minute will make it more difficult to make plans with other friends.

So the Dad kept asking what I wanted and I don't know. Should I even allow my daughter to go? I'm thinking no but I know she will want to go. I'm thinking I should not allow this friend in my house or near my daughter for a long time.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

1. Sorry friend but these girls are not her friends and are

most probably deliberately alienating her. This is her lesson in life to learn and you can't save her from it even though you hate to see her hurt.

In the BIG scheme of things, it is better that she learn this now and live with the pain and the bumps and also realize that HER self worth is due ONLY to her NOT to who may accept her or not.

Another useful thing for her to learn is that there is no reason to mourn people who would treat you poorly unless you find meaning in life through being treated like crap.

As for the weekend coming up...why don't you and she take a trip down? There's plenty of things to do down here.

[cally]

4. I know that but I need to be told that

once again. This is not going to be pleasant. I'm feeling in a nasty mood so this girl I have helped many times when she was a little younger. I had others help her too but no more. Enough is enough. Done. Thanks for the insights and I do think I'll be heading to LA soon. Probably with a few teenage girls along. :scared:

[boilerbabe]

29. You can't fix what's broken

But it is nice that you try. Hopefully your daughter is not at the point where she thinks it's embarrassing to hang with her mom...I think that might be the factor here...they go thru that, and then guess what? the MOm is embarrassed to hang with the daughter!!! They want to assert their independance. It's too bad she has such a group of friends that are apparently too involved with surface appearances.
Wish you the best of luck, hunny!!

[chimpymustgo]

2. You and your daughter are very lucky.

This "friend" is NOT - and now you both know the truth, and can handle it accordingly.

Isn't 16 a little young for a week-long car trip?

IMO, the friend and the trip are bad news - hope you realize your good fortune in your daughter being kicked out. Surely she can make some other plans with friends - or take the time to appreciate what she has learned about people.

[Capn Sunshine]

3. Your daughter sounds like mine did

I finally told her after many hurtings she received, "a REAL friend makes you feel glad you're with them, not anxious"

It didn't sink in for years, but it finally did. Just do what you can to bolster her self esteem. ALL teenagers think they are ugly.

[chimpymustgo]

5. I love the idea of you taking another group of girls on a trip.

Or just you and your daughter. Get away, hang out - hey I'm getting jealous.

Have fun. And good luck keeping your daughter's spirits - and self-esteem up.

She deserves a better crowd than that one!

[cally]

6. Thanks Chimpy and Capn

I need all the advice I can get. I never knew I had a temper until I had kids. Now I'm furious. All of you are offering information I need to go approach my daughter when she comes home. Thanks.

[soleft]

7. I'll tell you one thing, you're a terrific Mom

You understand what it feels like to be a teen, yet you have the wisdom of being a grown up, and it sounds like whatever action you take will be based on love and involvement and that good old, alla Sigourney Weaver in Aliens "Get away her from you bitch" maternal instinct chutzpah!

[SoCalDem]

8. You cannot be the one to "allow" or not allow the friend

I think your daugter got a clear view of her "friend"..

What I would do:

I would ask her the daughter to choose one other friend,and call MY family there (So Calif) and if necessary, pay the way for both girls.. This will serve two purposes..

Let them spend some quality time with the family in Calif
(you could clue in the family as to what happened, so maybe they would take special pains to see that they had fun)

and

Let the two girls have some "off by themselves on an adventure" time..

a byproduct would be that the "clique" that dumped her, would not be necessary anymore..

Teen years are terrible for some kids.. One of mine sailed throuogh with flying colors and had a blast, but the other two..eeeek!!!

You are so lucky that she chose to confide that very hurtful thing to you.. Some would have just said they changed their mind, and kept the hurt bottled up.. :)You are doing something right :):) Chin up :)

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

11. You are so frikkin wise sometimes it blows my mind

:D

[Zomby Woof]

9. I can offer hugs

But I am low on sanity. :-)

I don't have kids, and feel unqualified to give advice. However, I once taught high school, and I have some idea of what a brick wall you feel up against. That "friend" is bad news, and perhaps you should ban her again, and forbid the trip. On the other hand, I know that putting a foot down can encourage rebellion and heartache.

Teenagers! :o

Hang in there!

[seventhson]

10. One possible solution: Let her go!!!

If she can still ride with them she can still go and stay with your relatives.

Maybe they do not WANT her to go. If that is the case then she has to FACE that.

Can the relatives accomodate her or either of her friends? (You said the "friends" relatives can only take ONE friend so there is ANOTHER girl excluded? This is unclear).

If the friends WANT her to go then she can ride down with them, experience the "road" part of the trip both ways and STILL maybe hang out with them in SoCal.


If this is not possible send her on the bus to visit.

BUT if the kids do NOT want her to go then YOU have to know the real deal.

You should ask directly. You should speak to the parents and relatives involved and you should know the truth.

It may be a straight up as these girls are not really getting along (and your daughter was in denial about being rejected) OR it maybe that there is really not enough room.

The room issue may just be the excuse foir excluding her because she doesn't quite "fit" (Maybe they want to stay stoned and your daughter is too cool for that, for example).

Ultimately it is HER emotional issue to deal with so you need to discuss all the oprions with her and help her do what SHE wants to do (including confronting the truth - whatever it is)

You need to be there for her, let her choose whether these girls are really her friends (you cannot do that part), and give her something uplifting like an alternative trip if this one is in the shits.

I work with troubled teens and honesty is the best policy (and tolerance cause she is by law an adult in most jurisdictions as far as her behavior is concerned)

At 14 you can get life in prison in my state for certain crimes.

at 16 you can get the chair.

when I was 12 I did a road trip to Canada with my 17 year old brother. It was GREAT.

I hitchhiked cross country at 16 (but I am a big fellow and smart)

so her NEED to go is probably great. But if these girls ain't the ones to go with then you need to make other plans for her.

But get the real deal first from the other girls' parents. Ask for the truth and don't get mad about it.

They are moody teenagers and things like this happen. It is entirely normal.

Good luck and let me know what happens.

[drfemoe]

12. well ..

before you start planning the outcome, you might ask your daughter what SHE wants .. give her some alternatives if she needs help with that (bus trip, car trip with you, etc.), and there's nothing wrong with telling her you are concerned about the way this girl treats her, and letting her know what you think. You show her that she has the smarts and competence to make these decisions. You don't however, have to allow this girl in your house, and that's something you have to decide.

What if she wants you to talk to the parents? That's a toughie, but I bet you can handle it when you know more about what your daughter wants.

When my son was a 7th grader, one of his teachers gave him a C which kept him from participating in a band outing. Yes, I was the over zealous mom and got mad at and talked to the teacher, to no avail. Now he's 25 and doesn't even remember the incident... you can see that I do ;) ..

Stick in there, mom.

[gardenista]

13. With friends like these...

You know the rest. This is a typical teenage girl bullshit game. Every teen girl has to make her way through this nonsense, and it helps to develop a thick skin. I bet your daughter has enough insight to know what's really going on here, that for whatever reason, her "friends" have decided that they don't want to hang with her. It hurts, but she'll get over it. Seems like the less you get directly involved, the better. If you "ban" this horrible friend, it may backfire. But, if you simply say to your daughter that you think she deserves better, she'll take it to heart.

And, the idea of an alternative trip is awesome. However, I'd suggest an different location, not necessarily the same place that her other "friends" are going. Is there anywhere else that she would enjoy? It wouldn't be viewed as a consolation prize, and if she does something different, they can't accuse her of "copying". Geez, this is bringing back memories. Ew. I'm glad I know what real friends are like now!

Good luck to you and your daughter.

[cally]

14. Thanks all...this is my current plan to offer my daughter

Remember I want to distance her from this friend. What I didn't mention is I think this "friend" encourages lying and disrespect. I don't like her at all.

So I called both my sisters...one in So Cal the other in Alaska. We have enough saved free miles to pay for two teens to fly either place. I called her best friends Mom and she is available. I like this friend. So, it's my daughter's choice. Alaska or staying with insane relative's of idiot friend. Ha. We'll see.


All of your insights and opinions are very helpful. Thanks.

[pmbryant]

15. Sounds like a good plan

Though this conundrum is entirely beyond my realm of expertise. ;-)

:crazy:

Good luck, and I hope it all works out well.

--Peter

[BlackVelvetElvis]

19. Super!

You're being there for her when she needs it, I know it really hurts you to see her suffer emotionally.
Teenage girls are so into power sometimes.
I hope she gets over it and realizes that this girl is no friend. Time should take care of that. I hope it works out.

[drfemoe]

25. Update?

Cally .. would you be willing to let us know how you and your daughter are doing now?

[cally]

26. Very, very well..thanks for asking

She has figured out for herself that this "friend" just dissed her and where they were staying has nothing to do with it. She told me this has changed their friendship and she thinks of her much differently. :bounce:

Even better, she is very pleased with what I did and how I reacted. Thanks DU for calming me down enough to act rationally. She will go to Alaska and stay at my sister's house. I have a niece who is 21 and a 16 year old nephew. So instead of hanging with mean friends doing way too much shopping, she is going to Alaska with her best friend. She'll go to a rock climbing gym where her cousin works. She'll go cross country skiing and snow shoing for free. Plus, she is hanging with a very sane 21 year old and my own family that I trust very much. I think this has turned into a very positive thing.

Besides, she has bragging rights over the other trip now. I did say I can be kind of nasty. A 16 year old would much rather hang with a 16 year old male cousin and his friends than mean girl friends.

[SoCalDem]

30. You may have altered her life completely

:thumbsup:

This trip she will take (maybe she's already there) will be a trip she willl remember for her whole life.. She is at a perfect age to be totally open to so many new things.. She may discover her true life calling while she is there.. Trips that kids take WITH parents are vacations, but trips that they take "on their own" are adventures..

The fact that she found out about her "so-called friends" is a bonus.. When they get back from their little trip, they will have the same stories to tell, but your daughter and her real friend will have unique tales to tell..

Lots of people have been to California, and they can "see" it everytime they turn on the tv.. Not very many people have been to Alaska, and your daughter's adventure will be waaaay more interesting..

Don't be surprised if the "other group" tries to court your daughter back into their group :(.. They may be tired of the "bratty one" after spending some time with her..

With teenaged girls, TWO is the magic number.. anything over 2 is rife with rivalry and cattiness.. What a lot of girls do not realize, is that they can be members of many groups.. Some girls get their sights set on "the" group and get their feeling hurt many times.. For some weird reason, the girls who do not "need" a group, are usually the ones who ARE the group..

This trip will give your daughter the self-confidence that the other one would never have:)

[drfemoe]

31. Wow ! ! !

That's fantastic!! I want to go to Alaska with them ;) ..

This can't help but enhance her self esteem AND provide an 'excellent adventure'...

congrats

[rbnyc]

32. Good news!

I'm so glad.

Being 16 is hard.

[Nlighten1]

16. It sounds like a toxic relationship.

Encourage your daughter to find other friends. I know this is next to impossible.

[newyawker99]

17. (((((HUGS)))))

[commander bunnypants]

18. That happened to me as a kid

Hurt like hell, for a long time. But it made a stronger person in the long run

Good Luck and good karma for your daughter


DDQM

[cally]

20. Thanks for all the support

advice, and hugs. I'm actually feeling somewhat happy that this happened. I think it will help end a relationship that I think is bad for my daughter. I think I know why this girl did this. She has a pattern of being the meanest when things are going well for my daughter. This week my daughter got her braces off, got her first job, and improved her grades dramatically. So I think my daughter will be able to handle this because she does have friends she likes better and that are much nicer people.

Again thanks. I needed to rant last night so I could handle this more appropriately than what I wanted to do. :evilgrin:

[DemExpat]

21. Offering and suggesting alternatives

has been, besides a loving ear, the best tool I have used with raising my kids, Cally. From toddler to teens....:-)

Your idea about Alaska and trying to steer her away from this girl sounds like something I would do too.

Good luck, she is a lucky girl!

DemEx

[PVnRT]

22. Ask your daughter

why the HELL she hangs out with this little harpie. She seems to derive nothing from it.

[ScreamingMeemie]

23. Oh grrrr. Little girls (and I do mean little) can be such witches...

to put it lightly. I suffered many a trauma at the hands of a "friend" in high school. While our first impulse is to rush to our child's defense, (Mine always is) I am hoping that this was the last straw for your daughter and she will take this girl out with the trash. Your daughter sounds like a smart girl (good grades etc.) Even if it takes a couple more straws, I am sure this friend is not long for keeping. Best of Luck. I'm thinking of you and what a GREAT mom you are to care. That in itself, says a lot. :)

[Aristus]

24. Here's a hug for you, cally.

((((((((((cally))))))))))

I know exactly what you are going through. My step-daughter has had a bad-news friend for years now. We've given up on ways to discourage further relations between them. The friendship seems to be fraying without our help, happily. I hope things get better for you.

[boilerbabe]

27. It's very complicated!

It seems that your daughter wants the adventure and the approval of being with a group of friends. High school friendships do go through a lot of convolutions that would make any one of us sitting on the sidlines cry.
It never makes any sense, and kids can be so cruel, and then they grow up to be even worse, which is what i see you are perceiving. If they actually have a place for your daughter to stay,, ok, but it sounds like they are jockeying for position here and maybe if you can afford it, maybe you can tell those little shallow "friends" to go take a flying hike, and you can arrange for an adventure for your daughter with some TRUE friends.
You are so cool in the fact that you don't want to interfere, but it sounds like your kid would wind up stranded. And there's nothing worse than being a well -intentioned person going to stay with someone's totally screwed up family member. BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT!!It is a nightmare!!
I am not so young anymore, but I have had several experiences where I have wound up at someone's house, and got dragged into stupid stuff, dysfunctional is just an euphanism. Ask your daughter if it would really be so much fun after all, send her to a COOL place like Europe!!
Save yourself and your oldest and youngest daughter the hassle, make those other shallow people just BURN

[Melsky]

28. You sound like a really good mom

I went through a lot of stuff like this when I was a teen and even in my 20s. What a load of crap! I'd rather have no friends than have friends like that now.

[gardenista]

33. Agreed! Cally, you sound like an awesome mom.

Your daughter is probably going to give you a big hug twenty years from now, and say, "Hey, Mom, remember when you arranged that trip to Alaska when I was so hurt about that LA trip? Thanks for being so cool. I love you."

Hmmmm... time to go call MY mom!