Dave Barry weighs in on advice for the Underpants family

[Richardo]

(Excerpts from "Babies and Other Hazards of Sex")

My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the vaguest idea what you're doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you're reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book.

You must remember that when you are pregnant, you are eating for two. But you must also remember that the other one of you is about the size of a golf ball, so lets not go overboard with it. I mean, a lot of pregnant women eat as though the other person they’re eating for is Orson Welles. :rofl:

Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it; if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order.

Baby’s room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby’s room should be in Peru.

The United States Constitution empowers grandmothers to stop any young person on the street with a baby and offer advice, and they take this responsibility very seriously.

All your really smart, with-it trendsetters are into breast-feeding today. Go into any swank New York City night spot and you’ll see dozens of chic women such an Leona Helmsley breast feeding, many of them with rented babies.

...You should keep up this tough discipline until your child is in junior high school and thus has access to weapons.

We modern sensitive husbands realize that is very unfair to place the entire child-care burden on our wives, so many of us are starting to assume maybe three percent of it. Even this is probably too much.

Babies are people, too; they want to eat what you want to eat. They want cheese-burgers and beer.

My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you’re supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid just at the time in your life when you were getting really smart.

You can take an educated, sophisticated couple who, before their child was born, talked about great literature and the true meaning of life, and for the first two years after they become parents, their conversations will center on the consistency of their child’s stool.

All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on a lobster in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required."

The best toys for a child aged 0 to 3 is a toy that says "For Ages 10 to 14." The best toy for a child aged 10 to 14 is cash, or its own apartment.



http://www.workinghumor.com/quotes/dave_barry_babies.shtml

[Zuni]

1. Dave Barry is awesome

I have been reading him since i was about 12.

:hi: Richardo

[Scruffbunny]

2. Wow.

I really love dave barry.

[underpants]

3. Falling on a lobster in the dark

Those are hilarious. I started reading Dave Barry about ten years ago-he was really great then.

BTW- Barry got the gig from ONE article about the birthing experience.

This one is SO true-you should have seen some of the emails I got from my mother and family members during the campaign...previously intelligent and reflective human types.

My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you’re supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid just at the time in your life when you were getting really smart.

[SCDem]

4. Guilty

Guilty.... this has been me for the past two weeks - but how could I not talk about it I felt so guilty for sticking him on a horrible bland diet for longer than I would even want to be on!

Enjoy Underpants!