Can I indulge you people in a true story about emailing my first crush?

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

I told my husband about this (don't even know if I have reason to feel guilty about it).

[hippiechick]

1. Please do

I'd be curious to see if it turned out similar to my experience last year when I looked up mine ...

:hi:

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

2. May take a while to type; just wrote it in my journal.

[hippiechick]

4. Here's the link to my original ....

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=490789

:loveya:

In the end, he's grown up to be a small-town Republican mouth breather, and rather shallow. But we DID have a pretty groovy weekend together & it was totally cool to have that closure.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

7. I have a feeling he's probably a Republican.

The non-profit he works for is a noble one, but is Christian-related and has a link to some sort of Evangelical organization for responsible fundraising, or something like that. He lives in a very small town in a red state. Of courese, I live in a red state and I'm definitely not a Republican!

Surprises me, after living in my hometown and San Diego, he'd move to Podunk, USA. Husband said maybe he's born again.

Perhaps it's good we didn't work out. I can't imagine living in BFE. I'm Jewish, but my husband isn't; however he's not religious. If this guy is a born-again, there's no way that could work out.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

8. dupe

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

5. For the past 22-23 years (I'm 34), I've wondered "what ever happened

to my "him." (won't publish his name). He was my first real crush. In 6th and 7th grade, I fell HARD for this kid. He had blondish hair, braces and wore a headgear sometimes (nice.), but that didn't seem to phase him. Some confidence, huh? He had gorgeous blue eyes and carried a dorky red tupperware lunchbox. Something about him just got to me.

I still have this vivid memory of him running through the cafeteria with the lunchbox. I had already gotten there, but would nervously await his arrive. I was an insecure, gawky girl with long, wavy brown hair and underbit (I was getting ready for braces), flat-as-a-board chest, and I got teased all the time. My self-esteem was about as low as you could go. I remember my sixth grade picture: I wore a purple sweater -- handed down by my rich cousin Racel -- and a clashing red blouse with a seiously long (can we say "butterfly") collar, and green clip on barrettes shaped like Crayola Crayons. I kid you not.

In seventh grade, I had the fortune of having "him" in two of my classes: English and History. Thinking about this now, this makes for an interesting equation. I'm writing about our history and I majored in English; I found out he majored in History. Odd.

I recall him staring at me from his desk in English class. Did he like me, too. "Superfreak" by Rick James was a popular song back in 1982-1983. He used to sing that around me and wuold tease me occasionally. Surely another sign he liked me, right?

One day, in Mr. Hamilton's History class, he sat RIGHT behind me. Jesus Christ, be cool, Val! Must have been a slow day or something because "he" asked me out-of-the-blue, "Do you like me?"

(Continued on next message)

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

6. Continued below

Holy shit! Totally caught me off guard! If I could, I would have turned around and kissed him, headgear, braces and all, shouted from the rooftops..damnit!! Hell, I would have nailed his ass right on the formica desk! Oh wait. I'M 12!!!!!

Instead, I panicked and said, "ONLY AS A FRIEND." BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER!!!!!!!!!!

A couple of days (maybe sooner) later, I found out he and his family were moving to San Diego (we are in VA). Dear G-d no. I was so depressed. Every girl in class I despised (Jennifer, who claimed 'to go' with "him" and Kathy "the slut") claimed she liked him.

I never got to say goodbye to him or to be honest with him. I have regretted that for 23 years. How pathetic.

I finally got that chance.

Flash forward 2005.

The Internet is an amazing thing. You can find out about things as they happen. You can also find people.

On early August evening, I was reminiscing about my childhood...not that it was that great (home life was fine; school sucked). I decided to do a search on his name. A few things came up. Then BINGO!

I found a website for a university, announcing advanced degree candidates. His name and picture came up. "It kinda looks lke how I remember him," I thought to myself. I emailed my best friend, who has known me since before elementary school. She said she was almost positive it was him. The website mentioned where he worked. I did a search and found the website for his employer (a non-profit).

The next day, for the hell of it, I got the balls to email the non-profit to see if it was him. No answer. The following morning, I turned on my computer and checked my email. Sure enough, it was him.

He said yes he lived in _______, went to my school and moved to San Diego. He asked if I lived in his neighborhood or was in his "academic program." I thought to myself, "Academic program?" Come off the high-horse, dude? He was actually very nice in the email, but said something to the effect of "seventh grade is pretty far back in the memory banks." He hoped I was doing well.

I emailed him back and assured him not to worry, that I wasn't a stalker; in fact, I'm happily married to my college sweetheart.

I told him he was my first crush. I told him my last memory of him was him asking me if I liked him, and how I wished I'd been honest with him. I told him what I'd been up to in the past 23(!) years, and asked him what he'd been up to.

Haven't heard back (this was yesterday).
____________________________________________________


I felt kind of guilty for emailing the guy. After all, I'm happily married; I told my husband about it, and he seemed OK. He said, "I trust you." I think I just needed closure on this.

[hippiechick]

10. The closure. Exaclty.

Sometimes its just nice to be able to open that chapter of your life-book again, in order to clarify your perceptions (God, he really IS a dork!') and get some anwers ('did he like me?')...

I'm glad you did take that step, even though - like mine - the results were sorta bittersweet.

:hi:

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

15. Thanks, hippiechick. You felt better with your experience?

[hippiechick]

16. In retrospect, yes.

After our weekend together, I wanted like hell for him to call me - for a couple weeks - then came to understand that what it was, was a tremendous gift from the Universe: answers to my questions of 'what if'. And in that, I also got the opportunity to see how far I had come - who I had grown into - and then the realization set in that we simply were not - and were never going to be - a match.

So then I spent a few minutes in the teeny bopper's 'happily ever-after' machine, thinking about how my life would be different if he and I HAD ever hooked up - probably a few kids, in that small town that he lives in now, likely unhappy -- if not already divorced.

And it struck me that I like who I am now, and my life.

So overall, I was thankful that it happened:
- for the opportunity to 'smash the myth' of a teenage girl who thought she found 'the perfect man' by meeting him again, this time with a grown woman's eyes ...

- for the opportunity to spend time with him, because he was afterall, my first crush and they are incredibly important to any young woman, and it was just cool, 22 years later, to relive that time in my life and think about how silly and sweet it all was ...

- but mostly for the opportunity to assess my current life and see that had things gone differently, I might not be in the situation I'm in now/might not be the woman I am now - which, IMO, is rather groovy.

:hi:

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

17. Thanks for your perspective. Sounds about where I'm "at."

As a matter of curiosity, I looked up the town where he's living. A total population of 12K. I live in a decent-sized city (maybe 300K?). We're an hour and 20 min.'s drive from family; it would probably be a day's drive to see them, and G-d knows how often that would be.

[khashka]

11. Sometimes all you need is closure

An answer to your questions, a way to express your thoughts and feelings.

Cool husband by the way; he sounds like a keeper :)

Khash.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

14. Thank you. Matt (hubby) is the best. Definitely a keeper, not a freeper!

:kick: :loveya:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. By all means!

I'd be most interested to hear how you handled this...

The guilt questions are always with us, aren't they?

:hi:

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

9. What's intriguing to me is how we remember like it's yesterday

and expect the other person to have the same memories. When we don't, it's like, "huh?" I began to think either he's bullshitting, or maybe he'll remember more w/ that second email. Reminds me of this Green Day song:

"Whatsername"

Thought I ran into you down on the street
Then it turned out to only be a dream
I made a point to burn all of the photographs
She went away and then I took a different path
I remember the face but I can't recall the name
Now I wonder how whatsername has been

Seems that she disappeared without a trace
Did she ever marry old what's his face?
I made a point to burn all of the photographs
She went away and then I took a different path
I remember the face but I can't recall the name
Now I wonder how whatsername has been

Remember, whatever
It seems like forever ago
Remember, whatever
It seems like forever ago
The regrets are useless
In my mind
She's in my head
I must confess
The regrets are useless
In my mind
She's in my head
From so long ago

(Go, Go, Go, Go..)

And in the darkest night
If my memory serves me right
I'll never turn back time
Forgetting you, but not the time.

[fortyfeetunder]

12. Closure does a memory good

Thanks for the story. You are brave to check it out. It's good to have closure.

Now that Zabasearch.com is available, I wonder how many people would look for other ex-friends and lovers....

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

13. You think? I worry that it's like I'm cheating on my spouse.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

[fortyfeetunder]

18. I just saw a clip from Today show on emotional affairs

http://g.msn.com/0VD0/17/64?i=5c6ae582-a7bc-4000-860d-9a840685ef47,c2aaa86f-88df-434b-8a24-7c83fe5992bd&p=&m=&mi=

"Cheating without touching"

There is a difference.

I think you needed to reconnect with this person just for the record. As long as it was not intended to get any farther than that, and you got the closure, it was not what I'd think was an emotional affair.

However, if you continue with this person reminiscing about the past and all that it entailed, but you aren't sharing any of this with your spouse, then perhaps you're in the gray area...

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

19. Interesting clip.