"I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube."
"That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons."
"Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!"
"I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff."
"I bought a donut. They gave me a reciept for the donut. We did not need to bring ink and paper into this transaction. How about this - I give you the money, you give me the donut? I cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut."
"My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk."
"I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar often times I will drop it so that it recieves maximum flavor potential."
"I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular.""
"A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.""
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