Do you know or care when you've crossed anyone's personal boundaries?

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

This can be online or in real life. My question goes to the fact that some people just do what they do without regard for another's personal boundaries. Some people do what they do unaware of another's personal boundaries - and others try to make an effort to know or sense what another's personal boundaries might be

[merh]

1. If I know I have crossed the boundaries, I apologize

The hard thing is the knowing, sometimes you cross another's personal boundaries and you don't know it. We all make mistakes. :shrug:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

Oh sure...that's why I added so many choices

[merh]

6. If I ever cross your personal boundaries, I ask that you

pmail me or let me know right then and there. I can be dense without even meaning to be. :shrug: It wasn't until I was 40 that I realized my mind doesn't work the same as others. It's a heck of a revelation, but once it happens, it makes life a little easier.

:hi:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

10. My boundaries go pretty far out

I doubt someone as kind as you is even capable of crossing them unwittingly..same here..do let me know...I would clean it up with you in a New York minute ;)

[merh]

12. We have a deal then!

And thanks for the kind words, from you they are a great compliment. :blush:

:hug:

[crispini]

2. I'm not entirely sure I know what you mean

about "personal boundaries." I always try to not be a nosey parker and respect people's privacy, but I'm not sure it's the same thing based on your question? :shrug:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

3. NO..an example might be saying something really sexual to a person

you KNOW won't appreciate it..or making a lewd gesture when you know it will embarrass or offend.

[crispini]

14. Oh, THAT.

Well. Hm. No wonder I'm not too familar with your term. I'd just call that, "Being a rude asshole." :P I think that's just plain bad behavior.

[Texasgal]

4. I try to avoid it out of respect

Sometimes I don't know that it's been crossed though. Usually this happens with my REALLY good friends. I have had it happen TO me as well.

It always ends up okay though, we usually just apologize and move on! :)

[Hugin]

5. Well... I try not to.

But, in these times... It seems *my* boundaries are
getting crossed more and more by callous self-centered
individuals.

[Misunderestimator]

7. I'm very aware of personal boundaries.

If I cross any and am made aware of it, I would stop doing whatever it was that crossed it.

If someone crosses my boundaries, I let them know.

I think the difficulty comes with those people who are skilled at skirting the boundary line. They start small and gradually build so that the victim of their boundary-crossing is hardly aware that their boundaries have been violated. Then the victim doesn't know how to handle the situation because they feel partly to blame for it.

[LynneSin]

8. It was me wasn't it - I crossed the boundries

I'm filled with a little be of paranoia at times!

[Finder]

9. Common decency,

treating others as you want to be treated is usually the way to go. Problem is, some may have unrealistic personal boundaries or a persecution complex and depend or even thrive on perceiving their boundaries crossed.

Such is the quirkiness of humans.

[Beware the Beast Man]

11. I try to be as minimally intrusive with people as possible.

I guess, to an extent, it's come across as standoffish some times.

[Patiod]

13. I do this for a living

For work, I have to regularly interview people in person and in depth about their STDs, sexual dysfunctions, feelings about breast cancer, menopause, arthritis, terminal cancers, etc. On a less-professional, volunteer level, I've done hospice work, and you end up poking around about stuff that REALLY makes people uncomfortable - terminal diagnoses, death, leaving their families, etc.

My S.O. is often HORRIFIED by what I'll talk to people about ("why would you bring up MS with my sister?" "I can't believe you asked Aunt Jo about her cancer treatments!"), but all this interviewing has provided a good radar about what a person is or isn't ready to talk about, and how to approach it. Sometimes I think people are relieved to talk to someone who doesn't seem uncomfortable to hear about some of this stuff.

Or maybe it's made me clueless. But people don't seem uncomfortable, so I assume that's a good sign.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

17. I would assume that by doing it for a living, you've managed to respect

those boundaries and speak in a manner that requests the permission to cross them with people.

Having boundaries, i.e. drawing the line with parents on when they may intrude in our adult decisions, does not mean the boundaries are solid..it just means that people need permission to get past them. Whether that is completely verbalized or is just a function of them opening up more as one proceeds cautiously is another story.

[SarahB]

15. Of course I care.

I don't always know, but I'd never intentionally be hurtful to anyone. I will, though, defend myself and not be a doormat. If someone has a problem with me, I'm always happy to have a dialog with them (unless it's cyberworld and they've been a continual ass to me, then it's ignore- I've learned to not waste my energy on "computer people" who wouldn't have the nads for reality confrontations, so they act like petty baffoons online). Frankly, I have to suck it up so often in reality to people who act like jerks to me (co-workers, my ex), I'll be damned if I do it around here.

Dialog? Yes.
Civility? Yes.
Bending over? No.

I have no problem with looking at myself from another perspective and offering apologies and making necessary changes. RARELY have I seen other people capable of it in return. Most people want to see what they see in whatever simplistic manner from whatever narrow point of view they want to see it in. It gets a little old.

[VelmaD]

16. I struggle with boundary issues...

of my own. It's either feast or famine with me. I keep the vast majority of people at a distance. But with a very few people I get too enmeshed and end up having almost no boundaries at all.

I try not to impose on people most of the time. But I admit I don't always get it right. And I can be a little bit pushy when there's something or someone that I really want.

[NashVegas]

18. Other: I Care, So I Test Them All the Time

I think it may be a NY thing.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

20. LOL and New Yorkers just have a WAY about them :)

[NashVegas]

22. No, Seriously

The next time you see a NYer doing/saying something you think is rude, pay close attention to the exchange. See if the person being ruded to (?) gives an identifiable reaction, and the NY'ers responding behavior.

I've been living in the South for 11 years now. I miss having my boundaries "poked," so to speak.

[crispini]

24. THAT's what my coworkers and I do to each other!

Never had a term for it before. Any outsider listening to our conversation would think we were the rudest, meanest bunch of people on the planet!

[sundog]

19. on a personal level, yes

it takes a long time for me to get to know someone & develop a common language (irl)... this is one great advantage to having introverted tendencies... my handful of true friendships have developed over long periods...

on a business level, no... people will steamroll you if you are not assertive... business people are constantly invading my space (in a small town it's dog eat dog), so i have no choice but to live on the offensive, yet still maintain my basic manners & etiqutte... if that makes any sense :P

[In_The_Wind]

21. # 5

I'm editing this post to add ... if I've offended anyone or overstepped their boundary (I do miss a few subtle cues from time to time).... I wish they would PM me so that we may return to a level of comfort for us both.

[supernova]

23. I care about others boundaries

and try not to invade them, just as I do not want to be invaded either.

Being introverted (:hi: sundog) my boundaries are very important to me so I try to treat others the way I want to be treated.

[dhinojosa]

25. I care, but if it isn't apparent, I don't go out of my way to find out.

That is the best answer for me. If I am not told, or if you show no sign that I crossed your boundary, I am not apologizing for not knowing.

[Niccolo_Macchiavelli]

26. depends on my own boundaries

i have no problems of asking people about stuff on cancer as an example because of my own past with it. It's easier to pierce the boundaries when one is somehow on a similar level.

On the other hand when a lose friend told about the number her successes fending off rape attempts i'd not ask "and how many you didn't?" because i have no personal experience and would not have anything close to a common level of experience.

You give info, you get info if someone touches a juicy subject you don't feel comfortable talking about (yet)- say so - matter closed until the barring person brings it up self. no big deal.

i like to talk with people about that really moves people rather than weather, sports or celeb gossip.

another thing is to push "tangential buttons" which makes persons tell it all by themselves.

I earned a lot of tears that way, and heard a lot of mind boggling stories that way, but sometimes the pus has to get out.

I know no boundaries until i'm told there are, and when i am i respect them. all other would be intruding. but i'm still nosy and i like to know where i can/risk to put my foot in someones mouth so i can avoid known vulnerablities.

my limits are however at sexual stuff and creed. Thats for the close circle.

[Nikia]

27. I tend let others make the first move, so to speak

For example in the realm of physical contact, I will not try to shake someone's hand unless they are extending their hand. I won't hug someone until they make a gesture to hug me.
I guess that the same is true verbally. I won't talk about something potentially offensive or overly personal until they do.
I guess online I am more open in certain topics because of my anoymity.
On a very personal level though, I have to be more careful. Going through therapy, I am learning about how I am not supposed to feel responsible for others people's feelings or feel that whatever they say must be true. This is the case in dealing with my family, my husband, and my closest friends. It is difficult because my mother made my sister and I repsonsible for her feelings.

[hunter]

28. I'm quick to apologize because I screw up so often.

I do make the effort to know what another's personal boundries might be, but I have zero natural ability. It's much easier for me to figure out what people are thinking and feeling from their online writing than it is in "real life."

I'm hoping I'm a reasonably civilized human being these days, especially in "real life," so if I'm the idiot stepping on anyone's toes, I always want them to tell me.

[Dave Reynolds]

29. I try to avoid it,

but sometimes (okay, often) do a really really shitty job of it.

[TrogL]

30. I have Asperger's Syndrome

I have no idea whether or not I'm crossing somebody's boundaries or even if they're crossing mine.

[hunter]

32. When I was in college, a quarter century ago, nobody called it that.

One of my professors called it "astonishing insensitivity" after I'd got in a fight with one of his teaching assistants. The only reason I wasn't dragged off by the campus police and expelled was that I didn't hit back.

Not hitting back was one important thing I learned while I was still a minor, thank God.

[XemaSab]

31. I try not to cross

people's boundaries, but I often do.

I have poor social skills. :(