Got Jokes

[linazelle]

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual."

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"

The officer replied, "The President is depressed,so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire.

He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qa'ida, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends;the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press conference. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asks,"How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies, "About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

[buff2]

1. LOL!!!

Oh, God....if only that was TRUE. It would make my day.

[tom_paine]

2. kick

[toddzilla]

3. ROFL!!!

[toddzilla]

4. here's a bunch of em

3 blonds are stuck on a deserted island and they find a magic lantern. It looks like gold so they start to shine it and then *poof*, out comes a Genie who then grants them 3 wishes (one to each blond). The first blond, who's been missing her boyfriends Ferrari, wishes to go home. The Genie does his thing and *poof* turns her into a brunette and then she makes a canoe out of the only tree on the island and paddles away. The next blond, seeing her friend go, also wants to be back home. *poof*, the genie turns her into a redhead, and then she starts to swim across the ocean to get home. The last blond, not thinking for herself, also wants to go home. *poof*, the genie turns her into a man, then he goes to the back of the island and walks across the bridge.







A man decides to take some of his savings and buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to
show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way
up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope and starts laughing.

"What's so funny," asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked women running around the house," the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands some bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot."
****************************************************************************


Dr. Sean Donovan felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him:

"Sean, don't worry about it. You certainly aren't the first doctor to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Sean, you're a veterinarian."




****************************************************************************






After taking his blonde date to a movie and a nice dinner, the smitten young man drove to a quiet spot and parked.

The couple began to neck, and when things got steamy, the fellow asked, "How about getting in the back seat?"

"No," she said.

He began to kiss her again and started running his hands up and down her body.

"Now will you get in the back seat?" he asked.

"No," she said more firmly.

He went back to kissing and rubbing and finally, between clenched teeth, pleaded, "For God's sake, get in the back seat, will you?"

"No!"

"Well, why the hell not?"

"Because," she replied sweetly, "I want to stay up here with you."


****************************************************************************



John's wife was deaf, so in order to communicate with her, he had to use sign language. They soon got quite confused whenever either of them wanted to have sex. They made up a sign of their own for the action, and then the husband explained through signing, this to her:

"When I want to make love, I will touch your left breast."

She nodded in understanding.

"When I do not want to make love, I will touch both of your breasts."

She nodded again.

"When you want to have sex, you pull on my wanker once."

She smiled shyly and nodded.

"But when you don't want to have sex, just pull on my wanker 357 times."






****************************************************************************







In a San Francisco mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie,how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "It was a long drive but I finally got to Chicago."

"Great," replied the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room... and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!"

Bob smiles, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"


****************************************************************************


Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing.

He politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died, "replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned,"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."


****************************************************************************


A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie! But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent -- especially on April 15th!"

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"Okay, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"Okay, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me.

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the IRS offers you anything, there's always going to be a string attached.


****************************************************************************

1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".

2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.

3. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

4. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

5. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F**K (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it.

6. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered the vocabulary.

****************************************************************************


Ain't that the truth...


I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.


Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?


Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.


I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"


I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.


Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."


I got a sweater for my birthday... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.


I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.


The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.


There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.


I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.


Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.


I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!


Everyday I try to beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.


Isn't it funny how her mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.


If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?


Sign of the times: Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!


How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?


Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.


Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


The Arab terrorists envy the fact that our garbage disposals eat a lot better than them.




****************************************************************************






A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd just have to complete the exam with your other hand."

****************************************************************************

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your low-income asses in the train, cause we are going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "all passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She then hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."



****************************************************************************





The Dictionary Of Sex...

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive women or spending time around children.

EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

COLD - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.

EYE CONTACT - many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after marriage.

LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive another person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER - a condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just sexual intercourse.


****************************************************************************


It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house, they handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom, where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' -- The breakfast was my idea."


****************************************************************************

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but, amazingly, neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. You're a man and I'm a woman -- this must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Yes, I guess you are probably right."

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No, thanks. I think I'll just wait for the police."


****************************************************************************

[Peace_2_Everyone]

5. A Smothers Brothers routine

For those of you not fortunate to have seen the Smothers Brothers here is a pix and a general pattern of their joke telling. They would be playing and singing somekind of old folk song and in the middle of it Tommy (on the left) would interrupt with a crazy joke or story. A lot of times it all ended with Tommy flatly stating “Mom always liked you best!” Anyways here is the main trust of a joke they told on a recent CBS special.


http://www.smothersbrothers.com/realaudio/bestof.html

Smothers Brothers routine 12/2/03

Tommy: I heard, I heard, I heard of a survey conducted and it concluded the more power people have the more clothes they wore.

Dick: What? What kind of a survey?

Tommy: A survey that says the more power people have the more clothes they put on, and people like you and me wear less clothes and the survey regards them as lessons.

Dick: Well then if we are call lessons then what do they call the people in power?




Tommy: Ohh! They call the people in power morons!!


PS i think they should stop at 14 gallons

[ForrestGump]

6. Department of Silly Jokes...

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?". "About 32", the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29" The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands! up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead". The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around.

After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47." Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How did you know?". The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

***

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over, and, looking around, he notices a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he said, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she said.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Smiling, she replied, "That's me before the surgery."

***

"Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."

"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door then shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the stairs and she's not moving any more.

"Oh, no...and what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool.... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either."

(long pause)

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"

***

A young girl walks into her parents bedroom and sees her mom and dad making love with her mom on top. The girl asks "mommy what are you doing?"

The mom hesitates and finally answers "er...er... I'm trying to flatten daddy's round tummy"

After a slight pause the girl replies "you're wasting your time, cos when you go to work in the morning the lady next door comes 'round and blows it back up again"

***

A guy is sitting at the bar for the last hour. He`s been dipping his left hand into his rum and cokes and spraying his right hand. His buddy beside him has been watching and can`t figure out what he`s up to. So he asks - "What are you doing?"

He replies "I`m getting my date drunk."

***

A construction worker was staying at home for a couple of weeks because of work being slow. After a week or so of being at home, he noticed that his 'unit' was discolored, so he went to the doctor.

The doctor looks at it, and asks how long it has been the orangish color. The construction worker says he just noticed it. So the doctor begins to explain about the anti-biotics he is about to give him, and explains it is nothing to worry about. It should clear up in a week.

Two weeks later, the construction worker comes back again, and now the orangish color is darker. The worker is obviously worried, and the doctor cannot believe the prescription did not work. The doctor now gives the guy the strongest prescription medicine he can, and explains to the worker there is still nothing to worry about, as this drug will definitely make the color go away.

One week later the worker is back, and the color is the same. The doctor is starting to act worried, as there is no stronger drug to give the worker. As they are talking, the doctor tries to see what has changed in the worker's life, or if he has been exposed to any strange viruses over seas or anything. The construction worker explains he has not worked in over a month, so the doctor asks what he has been doing. The worker replies that he has been sitting around watching porn and eating Cheeto's.

***

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't....there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?"

"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."

***

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away........

"We're down here ......"

***

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court, and the judge says to Mickey "Let me get this straight, you want a divorce because she is crazy?"
"No, your honor," replies Mickey " I said she is f***ing Goofy"

***

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about five minutes.

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So, I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

***

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, went to a sex therapist's office The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raised both eyebrows, but he was so amazed that such an elderly couple was asking for sexual advice that he agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanked them for coming, wished them good luck, charged them $50 and said good-bye.

The next week, however, the couple returned and asked the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist was a bit puzzled, but agreed. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple made an appointment, had intercourse with no problems, paid the doctor, then left.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor said, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

***

Two women - friends - incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said

"We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her cheeks that said "From all the boys at the fire station. We'll never forget you."

***

Three men stand before St Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell 25 floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the a**hole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself." St Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story.

Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside. Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man. Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

***

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" says the pharmacist. "To kill my husband." replies the woman. The pharmacist states "I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.

The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.

He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

***

Bob died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer,
were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bob." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bob."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bob had two a**holes." "What? He had two a**holes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two a**holes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bob with them two a**holes.'"

***

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

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Thnak you...thank you. I'm here all week. (actually, I'm not)