Do you hate either of your parents?

[Occulus]

I hate my mom. She is the single most destructive influence to ever enter my life, and I fervently wish she had never been part of it.

To put it shortly, my own mother is a cold, heartless, controlling, vindictive bitch who intentionally ruined my life for nothing more than her own injured pride. This was almost ten years ago.

Every day I wake up and lament what she did to me. I'm supposed to love her; that's what's made me keep hanging on to what she did for so long. If I could just hear/admit/know that it's OK to hate one's own parents for their actions against you, I'd feel a lot better, but all I ever hear is "She's your mom! How can you SAY that?" etc, etc, etc.

She found out about me being gay on Oct 9, 1994. She found all my porn- not even hardcore!- and spread it all over my bedroom floor like an accusation, confronted me when I got home from work, and summarily threw me out of the house.

I was 19; I was unprepared. She hrew me out into the rain- literally- and wouldn't even let me take my own car. I had to bike into town.

I had recently graduated from high school with a 3.85 GPA, and I was a National Honor Society member (both cords). I was also heavily involved in music- choir, band, jazz band, solo/ensemble. I always to0ld both my parents exactly where I was going, who I was with, and when I would be back.

In return, I got thrown out of the house, and then after losing an apartment slept under trees on campus (and my fucking asshole parents KNEW it, and they LET IT HAPPEN! FUCKERS!!!!!), and THEN, when my grades were still not rising, they pulled all fundiong for my education, and the suddenness of that forced me out of school. Oh, yes- my low grades were due to nearly failing both Philosophy 101 and Econ 101... and when I proposed that I retake those classes, my parents balked, calling it a 'waste of money'.

In the summer of 1994, I marched with the Madison Scouts drum and bugle corps. MY parents were 'too busy' too ever see me perform. They never saw any of the shows I was in.....

Both together, my parents have knocked on my door a total of fibve times... in the past nine years. I live twenty miles away from my mom... dad died last year.

What the BLOODY fuck? What did I do wrong??? My whole life I was told that other kids didn't want to be my friend because I was different, and if I wanted friends I'd just have to try to fit in.

A couple years ago, my mom told me they considered putting me on the Suzuki method for violin when I was five. If they had, I'd be a concert violinist right now.

I was told that two years ago.

I didn't get any musical training until eighth grade. I was composing music a year before that, which was apparently unremarkable, as they never, ever once commented on it.

I hate the people who raised me. With a passion. They're both fucking self-centered, cold, vindictive, controlling assholes. Even my dead dad. HE let my bitch mom kick me out, and didn't even lift a fucking FINGER to even find out where I fucking went!!!

So how do I handle all this? I'm just now coming to terms with the idea that I never, ever did anything at all to deserve any of this...... but how, HOW ing the name of GOD can I get over it?

Does anyone know where I'm coming from? Can anyone here relate?

Or am I really, truly alone in how I feel?

[MissMillie]

1. Absolutely NOT!!!!!

I grew up in the most functional family on the planet. My folks were very young (and expecting) when they got married 53 years ago. By all accounts they shouldn't have been at good at the marriage and parenting thing, but they were and still are awesome. I truly would be lost without them.

[Occulus]

33. My parents were

in their early 30s when they adopted me. They were always a full decade older than my friends' parents.

They always told me to 'ignore it and it'll stop'. Getting picked on, I mean. I was always the one that the kids who GOT picked on... picked on.

And it was always 'my fault'. I was different. And if I couldn't fit in, well, that was my fault.

They knew I was musically talented- moreso than anyone else even my high school music directors could remember teaching, and that from their own mouths- and it was ignored.

I have nothing to do with music now. I have to turn the channel whenever I see any kind of musical performance. It's that painful, even now.

A big, BIG part of who I was is dead. The only part of me that ever succeeded in anything at all.

And.... my own parents killed it. How in the name of God do I even start to recover from that???

[Occulus]

43. Maybe I would have been better appreciated

oh, if the bitch and the asshole who raised me actually had something to do with bringing me into the world in the first place.

I'm really starting to wonder if parents who adopt because they're incapable of having children on their own are fit at all to be parents. From my own personal experiences.... neither of them ever really loved me.

Maybe that's because there was no effort involved on their part- not even sex.

Is an abject fear of abandonment and rejection common among adoptees, or is it just me?

(I've known I was adopted for as far back as I can remember.)

[hlthe2b]

2. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My parents both died three months apart in 1987 and I would give anything to have them back just for even a few days. They weren't perfect and we had our problems, but once they are gone, you can never get that back.

Even if you give up on your parents and it certainly sounds like you've had a bad history, I hope you'll seek help in getting rid of the anger/hate. It can only hurt YOU.

[Occulus]

40. I'll only feel relieved

when my mom is gone.

I intend to piss on her grave. Literally.

Ok, that's a bit strong. But let me tell you- if there were a way I could deprive my mom of everything she currently has, and know she'll wallow in misery and lonliness for the rest of her days, I would do it in a heartbeat.

And had I had a gun in my hands that night... she'd be dead and I'd be in prison. And yes, I told her that.

Actually, what I told her was, "If I had had a gun in my hands the night you did that to me, I would cheerfully and without hesitation have put the gun to your head and painted the walls with your brains."

Yes, in so many words. Like I said... I hate her.

[Bluzmann57]

3. Quite frankly...

I feel sorry for you.I love my parents very much. They made mistakes, as we all do, but they taught us wrong from right and how to make our way in the world. My dad and I used to fish, play catch, and do father and son type things. My mom basically kept me out of jail. Here's hoping that you and your mother make things right before it's too late. Parents aren't always right, but dammit, they are our parents and for the most part want nothing but the best for us. I am a parent btw, so I think I know a little about it.

[Occulus]

45. I do understand that they are/were human

and made mistakes. The problem I have is that they both intentionally harmed me. They stole my future.

WTF?!??!?

[Occulus]

54. I'm not so sure

about parents always wanting the best for their kids.

When I graduated from high school, I very firmly believed that by the time I was 30 I'd have a home of my own, I'd have been teaching for four or five years... I thought that, by this point in my life, I'd have some modicum of happiness and achievement to offset the torture of my childhood.

Not so. Now I'm a postal worker, I have NO savings (I live paycheck to paycheck, and there's nothing left over by the time I get paid again- I have in the bank only the money I get paid with every two weeks), and... I have no legacy. Were I to die tomorrow, I'd leave nothing of any value behind. Two years after I die, no one will remember me.

If my funeral were tomorrow, I can't honestly think of anyone besides my sister and her kids (and my man, Don, bless him) who would be there.

All I ever wanted was to inspire even just one young musician the way I was inspired. All I wanted was to pass on what I've learned about music to the generation after me, whether I ever had kids or not.

My own parents killed that for me. They kept me from doing the only thing I was ever any good at. And every single day for almost ten years I've awakened to that truth, every morning.

Nobody will ever benefit from what I used to do. And to think- if I could inspire even one kid to do with his/her talents what I did- or tried to do- with mine, it would be my life's work.

That's gone now. And the only thing I'm any good at now is raw, physical labor.

Every time I think about it, it rips my heart to shreds.

[otohara]

4. I Can Relate

and if you want to discuss this with me, please PM me. I'm old enough to be your mom. I could be your "virtual mom" if you need one that turned out to be a really good parent inspite of my dysfunctional life w/ my dysfunctional mother.

Otohara

[ScreamingMeemie]

7. I think sometimes it's the nasty childhood that makes us the good

parent. I am much more involved in my children's lives and letting them experience as much as they can -I think- because I didn't have many opportunities as a child.

[trotsky]

5. I don't hate my parents

but I'm not really speaking to either one right now. (Long stories.)

What you've been through, in my opinion, is more than enough to justify hatred. What my parents have pissed me off about is nothing compared to your story. I'm really sorry you had to endure so much emotional pain from the people who SHOULD love you unconditionally.

About the only advice I can give you is please just don't let this consume you. Hatred is natural and normal, but I think it should only be a transient emotion. Feel it, experience it, and then convert it into something useful - redirect its energy into a positive outlet. What that is, is up to you.

Good luck, and know that you always have friends here.

[Supply Side Jesus]

6. FUCK HER

By all accounts of what you said, she doesn't deserve to have you in her life. Easier said then done, but just forget she exists. I really think you would be better off.
Any Siblings?

[ugarte]

8. No feelings are bad

They are what they are and natural/ But you must move on, my friend. As an adult, it's a waste of time to be burdened by this stuff.

Please seek therapy.

[Occulus]

55. I'm in therapy.

That's what's bringing a lot of this out.

I saw this bitch throw my sis across the room by her HAIR when she found out my sis snuck out to see her bf.

Yeah, my mom threw my sis across the room by grabbing her HAIR and WHIPPING around like... like..... I don't know what.

By her hair.

Oh, but we were never abused. Oh, no, not to hear it from that cunt....

Apologies to cunts everywhere. I didn't mean to insult.

(I... don't normally ever use that word. I myself find it degrading and debasing. My mom, however, deserves to be degraded and debased.)

[MrSoundAndVision]

9. Okay, I can sort of relate,...

Well first of all, life goes on, honey, my wife told me to say that.

Second, my parents weren't all that great either. For a little back ground, I'm 27, my dad died last year of cancer unexpectedly, and my mother died 3 years ago from suicide, right after (I mean days) I asked for her permission to get married to my wife. That kinda sucked. She told me over and over when I was a kid that she had this recurring dream that god had allowed her to live only to take care of me, and that when I was grown, her time was up (she was nuts then too, I just didn't know it). So she killed herself when I grew up. It's true.

My dad was retired Air Force, 25 years. He was a huge jerk until I turned twenty or so, then I asked him "Why are you such an asshole to me for no reason at all?" He didn't have an answer and apologozed. We were on good terms from that point. Anyway!

I used to think my insane mother used to define me. I felt tortured. I felt unique because of it, I felt like my insane mom is what separated me from the pack really. So, this was actually TRUE, and now I am who I am now, and I'm glad for all of the experiences I've had, because now I know what to spend my time on in this short life.

So here's how you get over it, and I'm absolutely serious: have children. I know you said you were gay, but adopt, I mean it, you have too. My son, oh I can't even explain my son he's so great. He's two. Trust me, your OLD family is gone when you have a NEW family. That's it. Thanks.

[Zorba607]

10. I'm all for

forgive and forget, but if someone is unable to even acknowledge that they were mistaken to abandon their young son because he's gay...you can't move past that.
She owes you a seriously long overdue apology. Until that point, you don't owe her any affection or lack of hatred. Until that point, she's nothing but an egg donor, because she certainly hasn't been a mother, based on what you said.
Fortunately, my own parents were more wonderful than I deserved.

[LuLu550]

11. I am so sorry for all the pain you are feeling.

I grew up in an alcoholic family and it was pretty dysfunctional and there were times I hated my dad, but it seems to me that you have suffered much more.
As to why they did this to you...some people are just like that...controling, blaming, can't handle it if child is not the perfect carbon copy of themsleves...

Why did this happen to you? Again, it is hard to say. The anger is clearly hurting you more than it is hurting your mother...so what purpose does the anger play in your life? Is there a "good" that you can turn the negative anger into, perhaps become active with other young gays whose parents treated them the same way?

I am not a counselor but I work with teens and have seen some awful ways parents treat their own kids. May I suggest you seek counseling? You have a great deal of anger and hurt that you need to deal with and a good counselor can help. You don't want to keep carrying it around...it will eat you up inside.

Know I will be thinking of you and sending my hope for your emotional healing. :hug:

[aeon flux]

12. I feel you bro

I've seen parents mistreat their kids in the worst way possible. I don't mean physically, but psychologically. It sends chills up my spine when I am in the presence of one of these sick bastards terrorizing their own innocent flesh and blood. It just makes my blood boil. If it makes me feel that way imagine how the poor kid must feel. These inhuman twisted bastards aren't fit to be parents. Be strong bro. There are support groups(gay and straight) out there that can offer help.

[bleedingheart]

13. No but I can understand why you do

I was my "daddy's girl"....he worked and let my mom control the house and the finances... so in his spare time he basically played, drew with and made my brother and I laugh... He took us to bars with him (this was the 70's) to catch up with his old buddies and he always was up for an adventure. He died when I was ten.

My mom was always the caretaker..not a big one for hugs or loads of kisses. She wasn't perfect but she has always been there when we needed her.

Right now she is feuding with my brother...and it breaks my heart. Basically my mother was mad at her sister about something goofy. My brother decided to side with my aunt, even though we siblings told him to stay out of it... and now he won't speak to my mother.

My brother did this I think to finally "get back" at my mom for not fully acknowledging to him that she knows he is gay. He is mad that she had conversations with me about it and didn't come to him about it... the funny part is that she only recently discussed this openly with me (mom is old fashioned and it took some time for all of this to sink in)...she only talked to me because I am closer to her and I let her set the pace of the conversation.

I was helping her to come to the realization that it didn't matter that he was gay and that he was happy with his partner. My mom had had him and his partner over for dinner many times and really likes the guy but because she has been a bit uneasy about bringing up sexual preferences to him...he is mad.

So in my family's case, my mother loves my brother no matter what but he won't talk to her....so now Christmas is going to be a mess. All because my 72 year old mother is a bit uneasy about the topic.... keep in mind that my dad couldn't even say the word pregnant without blushing and you get the idea....

[Occulus]

52. oh, my mom wasn't EVER there

well, she was, physically, but she was always too wrapped up in Guiding Light to pay attention to the stupid, petty problems of her own son.

This... woman actually threatened to slam the piano lid down on my fingers if I didn't stop "pounding on the keys" while her STORY was on. Nevermind that I was only taking out my frustrations in the only way I knew without hurting anyone.

They never gave me piano lessons. I taught myself, and played piano in jazz band the last two years of high school, and even accompanied our choir in concert once or twice.

Naw, lessons were a 'waste of money'. I did get oboe lessons, and a really, really good instrument to play on, but... that was the extent of their involvement.

Oh, they came to concerts... while I was in high school. Once I got into college, neither of them could be bothered.

OK, that's not entirely true. They both did come to my concerts in college, and more than once. But DAMMIT-

I have twenty-one solo/ensemble medals- nearly ALL of them the highest score- and all my college gave me was $250/year as a scholarship.

My freshman year, my very first semester in college, I was carrying seventeen credit hours. They demanded I have "a job" if I wanted their financial help. They forgot that when one is in public schools, employers cannot work one more than a given number of hours per week or in a single day... but that after one becomes an adult, one's employer can schedule one for as many hours as the employer desires.

The both alwaysw held me up to the standard that other kids set. They never, ever compared me to ME. They always, as far back as I can remember, compared me to other people's kids... even hypothetical ones.

They both teated me like dirt. My whole life.

Again- WTF?!??!?!? What did I fucking DO????

[qanda]

14. Sounds like you've been through a lot

I don't fully understand, but my dad left when I was two years old and only came back when we did something good-- he wanted to take the bows. However, in order for me to have functional relationships with my husband and my son, I have had to let go of the hate and anger that I had for my father. Unforgiveness is so destructive and it mainly destroys the person who won't forgive. I hope you'll find someone to help you through the process of moving on, it doesn't mean that you'll have a meaningful relationship with your mom (I don't have one with my father), but at least you'll get beyond the bitterness.

[Occulus]

57. I've been trying to mend it

ever since she kicked me out. Did I mention that, in the time I've lived away, she's seen my home five times total in the past nine years?

Including my own birthdays?

I'm not even calling her on her birthday this year. Eat shit, bitch. Thanksgiving? Not on your life! And she can forget about Christmas as well as Mother's Day. I simply will not play her games anymore.

If she wants to talk to me, she knows my number. I'm never going out of my way for her again, and she better hope I'm never in a position to decicde whether or not to 'pull the plug'.

If she were in the position for it to be necessary, I'd pull the plug myself, and with a fucking smile.

[TennesseeWalker]

15. No, I don't.

They were wonderful to me. They did their best for me, worked hard and took good care of me. I wish I could be half as good as a person as they were to me. I really miss my father, who died a couple of years ago. I try to make sure my mother is happy, because she deserves it.

I wish you the best in dealing with your problems. I hope she realizes that she should be good to you.

[Occulus]

36. She treats my sister

like GOLD. That's because my sister... has given her grandkids.

My mom hasn't called me but once in the past two years. We all live within a thirty mile radius of each other.

I've had to go to my mom's house to celebrate my birthday. She simply won't come to me.

I finally told her to go to hell- in so many words- the last time I saw her. The bitch could die for all I care.

[Mikimouse]

16. My heart goes out to you, and I understand where

you're coming from. I experienced much of what you are talking about earlier in my life as well. I was homeless for quite a while, and my father knew it and only laughed about it. I ha to come to grips with the anger and hatred or I would have destroyed myself (not that I dodn't try-twice). I had to look at it this way: my father is a very sad and lonely individual, and he has brought it all on himself. He has been a cruel and petty individual all of my life, and now finds himself mostly alone, with his only friends being those he can buy with money and gifts. He constantly denigrates my choice of profession (and my wife's as well-we both do the same thing), and constantly points out shortcomings of mine from 35 years ago. At the same time, I am very happy with who I am, and am comfortable in my own skin, something that I never recognized until I looked at him carefully about 25 years ago and realized just how miserable a person he actually is. He lost his sister when she was 3 and he was 6, and his mother withdrew. He essentially grew up feeling abandoned, and while he will never admit it, it has had a tremendous influence on his life. I feel sorry for him. He also abused me, my my brother, and my mother (they divorced in 1968, and she died in 1990). My mother was my role model and my greatest advocate. I will dedicate my dissertation to her when it is complete, for without her constant encouragement, I would have believed all the things that my father was throwing my way. Try to understand where your parents are coming from, and with that knowledge, understand that you can only be who you are, and that is all you need to be. Comfort with who you are is the greatest cathartic.I wish you well in your journey!:hug:

[Pattib]

17. Wow! I really feel for you....

I'm 42 and my son came out to me 3 years ago. I was shocked but not angry at in any way. Only shocked because I had no clue and wish he would have told me and his Dad sooner. He said he knew we wouldn't be mad or upset in any way but he said it was more of a pressure he put on himself to try and be straight.

The thing is, even though I have many gay friends I must have fallen into the stereotyping of gays that a lot of people have. My son was a football player, rock music loving, video game playing, macho kind of guy. He even had the girly swimsuit calendar on the wall and he dated girls. I had no clue at all.

One night I was in his room, sitting on the floor and the phone rang. I answered it and handed it to my son. I got up to leave and my eyes went to a open letter on his floor. Needless to say I saw a big hint. Later that night I asked him. He just looked at me and said, "Why would you ask me that"? Honestly, I told him I must not have been to clueless because I put some small things together and it hit me. He said yes, he had suspected he was gay from about age 10. Now he's almost 19 and is living dorm life in college. I love him so much that I can't imagine your situation. It truly breaks my heart. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you.

I can relate to your parental situation though. My father was an alcoholic and my mother was a classic enabler. I broke ties with my parents for a while because it became to painful and hurtful to even be in the same room with them. My father was no less than a tyrant and my mother stood by through physical abuse. Since my father passed away I have had limited contact with my mother. Yes, people have also said to me, "she is your mother", or "He was your father". I just came to accept the fact that while these people created me, I am not responsible for their actions and I refuse to perpetuate their actions and inflict them on anyone in my life.

I am not saying your family will not come around. But if they don't please don't blame yourself. You have your own life to live. It will probably always hurt but it gets easier over time. Learn from your parents flaws and refuse to repeat them. Don't be afraid to reach out to others around you for help. My husband has been my rock. I hope things get better for you.

Patti

[Red State Rebel]

18. You'll Never Walk Alone.......

I'm a volunteer for the Cavaliers :).

Sounds like a bad situation. I have a lot of gay friends and cannot imagine why parents have such a hard time accepting who their kids are. I've always told my kids all I want is for them to be happy.

[Madrone]

19. Oh boy - this is like my pet subject :)

Or at least it used to be.

I can most definitely relate - although I've been "over" it for a number of years now. At one time, I felt like you - that I'd never be able to let it go.

You are most definitely not alone.

I won't bore you with my sob story - suffice it to say it was pretty awful while I was in it, and I was highly suicidal. I am still sporting scars on my arms from slashing myself - although now they are very faint and no one would notice them unless I pointed them out under a bright light.

More important to share with you, I think, is what it took for me to get over it.

When I was about 18 and no longer living under a parent's roof I realized that I blamed them for EVERYTHING that sucked in my life. I had a lot of reason to do so - but then I realized that crediting them with the bad, by default, gave them credit for the GOOD in me as well. My mom even used to state that she did things right, as proof she was so wonderful, when something was good in my life. I decided then and there that I was out from under their control, and I was no longer willing to give them credit for my life, period. I had to learn to suck it up and take responsibility for everything happening in my life, the good, AND the bad.

After years of that - I got much better at doing so, but I still HATED them, most particularly my mother for years and YEARS afterward.

I then went through a period where I felt like I could finally be at peace with them if I were to receive some validation about how terribly I was treated as a child - if their horrible behavior could just be acknowledged by them - I could finally let it go. That went on for many years.

Gradually, I realized that though I doubted I would ever receive those acknowledgements, I didn't need them. I know what was done, and I still remember what it feels like to be a kid on the brink of insanity. A kid with no control, a kid alone, and unappreciated. I no longer need my mom to confess - and I do not think I will ever bring it up to her for confrontation. I don't think it will solve anything, and I'm over it.

I think moving to WA from MI 6ish years ago really made a huge difference in how my mother views me. I am the only child, and I am now 2500 miles away. Where before she couldn't say anything GOOD about me, now she has a different viewpoint. I talk to her on the phone often - and we actually have good conversations. WHen she says something that would have set me off in the past, it doesn't anymore. We are 2 very different people, and she no longer rules my life with her iron fist. Her negativity is irrevalent to MY life.

I will also say - mom seems to be mellowing out in her "old" age. She's still a freak, but a good deal less intense about it as she used to be. She's loosened up on a LOT of things in general.

I don't know if there's anything in my rambling that will help you - the cliff notes version of my advice would be - learn to love yourself, once you truly appreciate yourself their attitudes carry far less weight. Give it time - the hatred you feel won't change overnight. It WILL change, though, if you want it to. Your hatred isn't hurting HER - it's hurting you. Try to learn how to view her from outside of the personal hurt you feel. These people are not happy, and they don't know HOW to be. I'm sure it wasn't my mother's intention to be a rotten piece of shit to her only child - that's just the way it turned out. She couldn't see her actions for what they really were.

I believe more important than the hell I was subjected to as a child is the lesson I learned from living that hell. I think I am a better person for it - and if I ever have children, they will benefit from those lessons in a way they may not have had I not had to fight for my survival when living with my parents.

[celestia671]

20. I get along great with my mother, but...

not so much with my father. We disagree about everything, esp political views(he's extrememly right wing). He's one of those people who can't be argued with. He's always right. I don't hate him, and I wish we had a better relationship, but I don't think it's ever gonna happen.

[politicat]

21. Um... yeah. I do.

My father, but similar situations. It's not so much a bright, brilliant hate anymore as a "if he showed up on my doorstep I'd slam the door in his face and call the cops", but it's a hatred and he has earned it.

My mother is... okay. A doormat. She never stood up for me, and that was wrong. She didn't know how to encourage me either and so I got shafted. I communicate with her, but it's not an intense, overriding part of my life. She's weak and now she has her own life and I have mine and that's okay for both of us. I love my sister and we're close and that's what's important to both of us. The parents... we were lucky they didn't ruin us.

I don't think it's necessarily unhealthy to hate and I don't know that it harms you, but there is something to be said for "The Best Revenge is Living Well." I know that one of my greatest highs was when I realized that I had more education - earned on my own - and made more money than my father ever had, was a better spouse/partner and a better citizen. Once I knew that I was, by any objective standard, behaving better than he ever had, the bright hatred went away and I could just look at him as someone I didn't need to deal with. And I don't.

I know what a huge part of his problems were, but I can't say that makes them forgivable. He knew he needed meds and didn't take them. I can't excuse his lack of care for his family.

Want a Sub-sister? I lost my brother very early on. Feel free to PM me any time.

Politicat

[Occulus]

30. the problem with that is

that she, my mom, has more 'stuff' than I ever will... but criticizes me for spending my own money. This from the woman who convinced the store manager of the McD's we both worked at to let her take and hold my paychecks.

This, from the woman who stole my future from me.

I *hate* her. I can't help it. She's taken away everything I was, everything I ever wanted to be....


*sob*


Her and my dad both. When he got back from being out of town on business that weekend, he didn't even TRY to find out where I went... neither of them did.

And then, when I was homeless, I was STILL trying to do wel in my classes, I STILL was trying to hold a job.... and they STILL decided it wasn't enough. Damn them BOTH to hell forever.....

I was adopted. All my life they said they WANTED me.

What the bloody fuck? Was THAT a lie too????

[Maddy McCall]

22. You can't just "get over it." Life might not "go on."

If you hold this much resentment, and justly so, you may need a therapist to help you sort all of this out and work through it.

DON'T adopt a child to heal your pain. That is horrible advice. Until you heal these wounds and find peace, you can't give proper care to a child. Nor should you enter a relationship for salvation.

I am so sorry that your parents were not understanding and were, indeed, very mean to you. I am sorry that they put their own "morality" ahead of your needs. You didn't deserve it.

What a counselor can help you realize is that you can do nothing to change your mother or the past. You have to separate yourself from your mother and begin to see yourself out from under her shadow--that gloomy shadow that continues to haunt you.

You must become the master of your own ship and quit allowing your mother to control your life--she continues to control you as long as you ruminate this. Asking why she was like that won't end your suffering. A therapist can help you divorce your self-esteem from her opinion of you, and once you do that, you can start to set goals, achieve on your own, and forget that she hindered you so.

Hope this helps. You need to get out from under her...even though you rarely see her, she still has emotional control over you. A good therapist can help you end that.

Best wishes and good thoughts your way. Hugs! :loveya:

(And no disrespect meant toward other DUers' suggestions.)

[Nikia]

23. I'm trying to heal

I wouldn't say hate, but I definitely have issues with my mother. I haven't talked to her for over a year. I have started to realize a few things though that are helping me recover and perhaps someday fully forgive.
A parent is suppose to be the parent and the child is suppose to be the child, not the other way around.
Life is hard as it is. Growing up many kids may insult you. Your parents aren't suppose to insult you and put you down, they are suppose to be supportive of you.
It is good to do things becuase you enjoy them. You shouldn't be afraid to do something just because you might not be good at it.
If you fail at something, that does not mean that you are a faliure in general.
I was a good child and did well at many things. I should have been good enough for my mother. Even children that get into trouble and have less success in school and other activities should be good enough for their mothers.
My mother chose to have me. If my mother feels that I ruined her life by being born, that is not my problem.
It is not my fault that my mother married a very abusive man and not my fault that she chose financial security over my sister and I.
It is good to compliment people. Complimenting someone does not mean that you are saying that the other person is a better person than you.
I am not an ugly freak that no one will ever love. Some people find me attractive, including my husband who loves me, and some people like me too.
I am myself and there is nothing wrong with that.
When I finally truly believe all these things, then I can truly live.

[roughsatori]

24. You sound very hurt, I use to hate my father

When I was growing up and they would show gay protesters on the TV he would shout: "They need to mow those faggots down with machine guns." (I knew I was gay from around 7 years old.)He was terrified that I would be gay and mocked me mercilessly. He allowed my older brother to beat me up and call me "faggot" and "fem" almost daily. I had rheumatic fever and could not walk for a few years, when my mother would be extra kind he would scream: "Your the reason he's funny." He and my brother ruined my early years of life. Books were my salvation and when I could walk again my father would beat me with his belt for reading books instead of playing with other children.


Yet I am the one taking care of him now (I bought the house that he and my mother live in and help to pay their health-insurance and other bills). Carrying hatred hurts. It is unhealthy for you. I had to go to therapy to let it go. I did not go to therapy to learn to love him--I went because the anger was consuming me. My brother is now a multi-multi-millionaire a few times over and does nothing for my father who was his best friend in torturing me.

I would recommend you try to find a therapist who really meets your needs. Interview a few of them, (many if necessary). Go with questions prepared, and look for one who strikes you like they really accept you and your behavior unconditionally. I would recommend you consider a Lesbian therapist. In my own life I have found that some lesbian women have been the most nurturing and accepting of me. And it helps bypass any falling in love transference in friendship and therapy.

And more then anything, "sitting practice" has helped me. I would recommend you practice simple meditation. Here is a link by a Buddhist teacher with a short simple instruction that transforms my life "How to Meditate" : try it, it has worked to improve lives since before Jesus's time--why should it not "work" for us too? Best Wishes: http://www.shambhala.org/centers/toronto/howmed.html
If you have any question on meditation or how to select a therapist PM me. They are the only things I am skillful at besides Poetry (but if you have a question about iambs that's ok too.)

[shamrock]

25. don't hate

Please don't hate....it will destroy any happiness you could have in your life. Instead try to look at your parents as people instead of parents, and try to understand them. How did they grow up and where did they get their way of thinking....feel sorry for them and be glad you're not like them and make sure that you don't treat anyone the way they do....you know how it feels. Learn from it, learn to be better than them and please.....don't hate. Just stay away as much as possible and make your own life. I'm from a family of nine kids and we lived with "extreme" violence all of our lives so I can tell you from experience that if you hang in there....try to understand....you'll get past it as you get older. If you hate you'll never get past it. Remember, there are people all around who have had it a lot worse than you have it. I'm older now, (Grandma type older) and I always feel a certain sadness for what could have been and the part of our childhood that we didn't have (and the memories we shouldn't have). Then, I look at my life and I'm thankful that I learned how "not" to be. I have four wonderful children and six Grandchildren...and we're very close with all of them (always a houseful). The cycle of violence has reversed..no dysfunction here... Life is good.

[gate of the sun]

26. hey your parents sound like they suck

I haven't spoken to my dad in 7 years before that I saw him at one of my brother's funeral and hadn't spoken to him in allmost 10 years. recently my brother who speaks to my dad said my dad said he just got tired of trying to talk to his kids who wouldn't talk to him...well this is the thing he never tried to talk to us.

he was a bastard while I was growing up it seems too personal to get into it........I don't hate him anymore but I don't want to hang out with him......

my mother is a total bitch......I talk to her but she drives me crazy. She talks shit about us kids and we finally figured it out by talking to each other....my mother is a compulsive liar...and deliberatly does all she can to make sure everyone else hates us by telling people how horrible we are......she is allmost 70 and it's pretty pathetic behavior....we have decided she is a bit nuts...... well I hate getting into details here on this site about how my parents really are....

you were brave to tell the truth.....my brother is gay and I'm so sorry your parents treated you so horribly.

obviously you are a talented and intelligent person too bad your parents couldn't see that.

too bad your parents couldn't really love you.

I'm sorry

Now for your own emotional health and healing I hope you can realize that their viewpoint has very little to do with who you are..your lovablility etc....it has everything unfortunatly to do with you they are......

[populistmom]

27. I try not to

But I don't think it stops them from hating me. I spent a lot of years trying to prove how "good" I was to get the love from them that I never got. It's done now because no matter what I did (or do) it isn't good enough. I'm polite and civil, but that's it. I don't waste my energy on them very much anymore.

It gets better. It got better for me after 30, but at 29 I had to have one more emotional meltdown first. All I can do now is try to be the mom I didn't have. Sometimes I expect myself to be perfect. I can't do that, but I'm still a pretty good one most of the time.

[scarlet_owl]

28. I hate one of my step-parents.

My step father is a real creep. He is addicted to painkillers and he is rotten to my mother. He threw my sister out of the house for talking too much on the phone. She tried to run him over with her car, and, needless to say, they don't talk much. He has humiliated me before with his temper and he is a downright mean person. My mother will not leave him because she thinks she is in love with him. I don't like him for all the crap he has put our family through. I am sorry for all the the things you have dealt with. I wish you well and I'm sending out positive thoughts for you.

[TrogL]

29. I respect them but...

They'll never understand me in a million years.

They are the epitomy of conservatism but not out and out Freepers.

They've never understood any part of my that deviated from the absolute norm of conservatism. They live in a world of delusion, but claim my world is deluded.

[Cleita]

31. I had a toxic relationship with my mother too.

But years and distance have taught me that she was a not perfect human being with many mental problems and a hard situation in living in a foreign country without any close relatives to run to for comfort. She has been dead for awhile so I get more objective as time passes.

[CanuckAmok]

32. Yes, both...

I hate my dad because he was an abusive deadbeat dad who, while amassing a huge personal fortune, managed to avoid paying any alimony or child support, and leaving me nothing in his will. He left his subsequent wife and daughter about 3 million dollars in assets.

I hate my mom on a more reserved level. She's a chronically messed up woman with a terrible temper, and I had to unlearn most of what she convnced me was normal behaviour before I could exist in a world beyond our home.

[proud patriot]

34. I love both my parents n/t

[Occulus]

35. You're lucky.

Very.

I don't even know what the term 'unconditional love' means.

[shamrock]

38. just another word for love.

"unconditional Love" is just another word for love. 'Real' love is always unconditional.

[Occulus]

41. Then I've never experienced it

from the people who raised me. There were always strings attatched.

All I ever heard was "I love you, but...".

I never heard, "I love you".

[populistmom]

44. I can relate

I remember as a little girl saying, "I love you mommy". She'd say, "I really like you too."
I never go a day without telling my children I love them. It's really important for them to hear that and feel it I think.

[proud patriot]

53. They didn't raise me

My grandparents raised me .

My dad raised me through the teen years so
I should give him some credit too. ;-)

[Leftist78]

37. hate is a strong word

but my Dad can go fuck himself.

[Occulus]

56. Actually,

I'm tending toward indifference. As in, if my mom were burning alive in her own home, I'd be indifferent.

It's a bit more personal than hate.

[rasputin1952]

39. No...

n/t

[Liberal Veteran]

42. My mother was a psycho bitch from hell.

I loved her in an odd sort of way, but God knows she didn't do a damn thing to earn it.

My father left a good job and moved us across country so she could be closer to her family in an attempt to save his marriage. Once she got there, she decided she didn't want to be married anymore and kicked him out of the house. She then decided to to take me and my brother and her female lover to another state where we stayed for a month until my father came to visit one time and she and her lover packed their bags while we were at the park and left us with him. I didn't see her again until I was an adult.

Then a few years she decided to go all psycho Christian on me and claim that I was going to hell for being gay at which point she got a very large piece of my mind where I told her she was a miserable excuse for a parent and that she no longer had any rights to dictate the terms of our relationship because she gave those up the day she abandoned us.

Unfortunately, she died in an accident before that issue was ever resolved, but suffice it to say that looking back on her insane behavior, I think some pharmaceuticals and therapy were in order.

[shamrock]

46. See

See, kgfnally, lots of us have had it just as bad if not worse. We grow up, come to realize that it wasn't/isn't our fault and try to learn how NOT to be. That doesn't mean that there won't always be some saddness and hurt but hey, that's part of life. Well, there are some cases that are much, much worse than what we're talking about here, but when it comes to being accepted for what we are or feeling loved, hey, we can get past that.

[Occulus]

59. The problem is

I didn't 'grow up'. I still don't know how to deal with people who piss me off. Hell- I can't even manage my money!

What you're saying is a great example of what I had to deal with- "it's part of life" "get over it" "grow up" etc, etc, etc.

The only part of your post that was in any way right is that this is a good example of how to learn what not to be. I'll agree with you there...

...the problem is, until she did to me what she did, I fairly worshipped this woman. The kind of betrayal I've dealt with- and not once, but again and again and again- isn't something you 'grow out of'. It's not something you 'learn to deal with'.

SHE's told me to 'get over it', and it's a great deal like a rapist telling his victim to get over it. And in many, many ways, I was emotionally and psychologically raped.

I had to leave the circle of friends- bad seeds, all- that I had surrounded myself with and bonded with, so I could deal with what she did. Then, just as I reestablished another circle of friends that were helping me through all of it, my parents pulled the rug out from under my feet again and I lost that group of friends.

I don't have 'college buddies'. I don't have an 'old high school acquaintance'. I DON'T HAVE WHAT SHE DOES.

She took those things away from me, and I'll NEVER have them.

Somehow... hate isn't strong enough of a word.

[Liberal Veteran]

63. I won't tell you to get over it....but as someone who knows how it feels..

..to be betrayed again and again by a parent, I will tell you this:

You must pick up the pieces of your life and rebuild them. One thing you MUST NOT DO when you are doing this is allow your parents the opportunity to hold that kind of power over you anymore. It's a tough choice to make. You have to start rebuilding the foundation of your life and you need to make sure that you don't make them a cornerstone in that so that if you need to you can take or leave them as necessary and not experience the upheaval you are currently experiencing.

Nothing I can say will make things better or erase what has been taken from you. But now you find yourself at a crossroads in life. You didn't choose you parents, but from here on out you get to choose who and on what terms you will allow a person to be a part of your life. That's YOUR power now. Take it. Dust yourself off and move on. Learn from this and don't allow these people to dictate your future as they have your past.

It will not be easy, but if you truly want to build a strong and happy life for yourself, you now know there are certain people that you must not rely on. Don't worry to much about yesterday because it over and you can't change it. Your life is now your responsibility and you will have decide whether you are ready to face it on your terms or continue to allow a destructive influence to dictate your path.

And that is what people mean when they say "get over it" or "grow up". You won't really just "get over it" and you will never feel completely grown up. A part of you will always look back in askance at the mistakes of the past and what might have been, but that is an indulgence you cannot now afford. Survival and progress dictates that you have to look at what yet may be. This is a journey you can only start from your present position in life. Decide now what direction to take and make the first steps toward becoming the independent and strong person you want to be. Don't do it to spite them, do it in spite of them and you will be surprised where you are in a year, two years, ten years down the road. You will look back and say to yourself, "What I am is because of me and no one will ever be able to take that from me".

On edit: One last thing. It's okay to keep the lines of communication open but do not spend an inordinate amount of time trying to turn your parents into something they are not. You are not responsible for her behavior, so why beat yourself up over it?

[mykpart]

47. There is no rule that says you have to love her

just because she's your mother. She deserves to be hated, but you don't deserve to let hatret eat you up. When you speak of her, or think of her, try using her name instead of "mother." It sounds dumb, but it's what I do & it helps. But be careful when you speak about her to others. Some really had great parents. It sucks that you didn't, but if you continue to actively hate her, you give her power over you.

[Interrobang]

48. I used to... I'm getting better, though.

Like you, I'm an adoptee. My parents told me over and over again when I was little that they "got me" because they wanted me. However, my parents never really knew how to deal with someone like me (I'm gifted AND have Cerebral Palsy). I was recognizing letters by 18 months, and reading fluently by age 3, but that was never anything remarkable for them, really, because they didn't know better. Needless to say, those fuzzy-wuzzy human interest stories about small children getting full scholarships to some prestigious university or other for similar stuff make me *really* bitter.

I've never really gotten along well with my dad. My mom says that's because we're too much alike, but if we are, we're opposite sides of the same coin. He's very athletic, and into math, science, and engineering, and used to be in the RCAF. I'm about as athletic as my physicality will let me, but I'm bookish, and have always been into English, history, art, and music. We don't really have a lot in common to start with, then.

For a long time, my dad's made a point of trying to make me feel bad about myself. I think he thinks that if he criticizes me every time I do something bad or wrong, I'll try harder, and if he praises me, I'll stop trying. (To me it sounds like your parents have a more exaggerated version of this attitude.) Likewise, they seem to think that if they help me too much (like the couple of times I've been broke and at no fixed address and they wouldn't even give me the price of a new pair of shoes), I won't try to better myself. Classic conservative thinking, with a heaping handful of Calvinism thrown in, if you ask me. (Are your parents WASPs like mine?)

One time I came back to stay with my parents while I was looking for a job or trying to decide whether or not to return to school. I had just had to turn down a $10 000 scholarship because the school at which it was tenable turned me down for admission. I was really depressed. I went to my parents for advice, and systematically laid out all my options, and my father went through them one by one telling me why each of them was impossible, immoral, or otherwise impermissible:

"You'll never get into grad school because you waited a year for admission, and you'll be competing against everyone who wants to go who graduated this year, and they'll take them over you. And besides, your grades weren't good enough." (I later got into grad school and got a Master's degree. My 4th year average in undergrad was 83%, or an A. Note to American readers: We don't do that four-point average thing, and so I don't know how to convert.)

"You'll never get a job, because you've got a bad attitude. Your attitude is so bad it even comes through on your resume. You know what your problem is? You hate authority!" (I didn't manage to get a job just then, but that was because I'd never had a job before, and I didn't really have any skills, and NO experience! I just had a job for almost 2 years, but then I was laid off for lack of work.)

"You can't go on Welfare, because that's wrong, and I won't let you!" (As soon as I got out of his house, that's exactly what I did.)

I didn't know how to react at first. I was so terrified, I said, "Well, since there are no options left, I guess I'll just kill myself," and I meant it.

Fortunately, I got on the phone with a friend who calmed me down enough and told me that what he was doing was abusive (that helped A LOT right there) that I was able to get out of the house and stay with some friends for a while. As I was packing up my stuff to leave, though, my dad appeared in my room and tried to give me this "backhanded" apology, which went something like this (I paraphrase):

"I really love you and care about you a lot and I want you to succeed, but if you weren't so stupid and lazy and hostile, you wouldn't need me to point these things out to you."

I went ballistic and forced him out of the room, then got my mom to drive me into town so I could take a bus to my friend's house.

That wasn't the only incident of its kind that I ever went through, just the worst. There were a lot of casual little barbs and insults (inevitably followed by "You don't have any sense of humour!") and bullying behaviour, and a few nuclear fights.

For a long time, I didn't speak to either of my parents, although I'd sometimes speak to my mom, even though she usually sat there like a lump on a log while he tore me to shreds. I really hated them for a while.

Then, about a year ago, my dad apologised for that big fight we had that I told you about. He even admitted to acting like "an asshole," which made me feel a lot better. He told me that he thought my going back to school was great, even though at the time I had nothing but a hard row to hoe about it. Recently he told my fiance's parents that he was really proud of me for wanting to go back to school and get my PhD, even though when I told them about it, my dad just sort of shrugged, and my mom said, "You know, you can't stay in school forever!" (to which I said, "Why not?"). Occasionally I hear from friends of theirs that he talks about me all the time and he's really proud of me, but I never hear Word One of that.

That's why I've sort of developed something you might call the Three Laws of Psychologically Abusive Conservative WASP Parents:

1) If you tell your kid how proud you are of them, or how well they're doing, they'll stop trying and never achieve anything ever again.
2) If you help your kid out when they're in need, they'll become dependent on you again. It's better to let them starve on the street on their own.
3) Criticising and insulting your child is the best way to motivate them, as is allowing them to be hostage to whatever "slings and arrows of outrageous Fortune" may come their way.

Personally, I'd suggest counselling for you. It's taken me almost 10 years to get my head relatively put back together. Face it, you're never going to get that approbation you wanted, and your parents probably did fuck you up in more ways than you KNOW they fucked you up.

But being hopelessly angry and hateful about it isn't going to make your life any better. If I were you, I'd stop contacting your relatives at all (unless you have a few cool ones somewhere) and build your own "intentional family" of friends, significant other, etc.

Take care, and PM me if you want to talk about it some more.

[NightTrain]

49. My parents were both severely flawed

My mother was mentally ill and my father was an alcoholic who was given to fits of rage. The emotional maturity level in my house was perhaps at the eighth grade. I fully believe that my parents were one of the two major reasons that I grew up (for lack of a better phrase) into the un-self-confident, scared-shitless-of-true-intimacy neurotic that I am today.

But do I hate them for it? No.

Whatever their flaws, none of the psychological scars my parents gave me were intentional. My parents loved me a lot and, given their limitations, they did the best they could. I realize that now (that they're both dead), after having spent many years angry at the both of them.

And since I feel tears running down my cheeks, I guess I'd better post this message and go to bed.

Goodnight, DU.

[Rhiannon12866]

50. You are not alone, I promise

People here care a lot, as you may have noticed. I certainly do. My mother does not love me, although my dad did. Your mother not loving you is something difficult for people to accept, but you and I know it can and does happen. My heart goes out to you. You are not alone, I promise. DU cares, as do I.:-)

[DemOverseas]

51. They usually

don't change. They like themselves too much. I am 58 and my mother (She would do Joan Crawford proud) is 80. My brother, sisters and myself went through physical and mental and emotional torture. One of the top five greatest things I have done in my life is SURVIVE MY CHILDHOOD.

[CShine]

58. To borrow from the original post............

.........my mom "is the single most destructive influence to ever enter my life."

That said, I got over it. I love her to death.

[Occulus]

61. The problem is

that she keeps destroying.

Over and over.

Like with the piano....

...about eight years ago, I got a 'birthday gift' from her... in the form of an IOU that she would tune the piano 'when they could afford it'. Five years later, I got a look at my parents' accounts; there was (and it's grown since then) over $250,000 in investments in their accounts. Not huge, but more than enough to put both me and my sis through school several times over.

Did I mention that after my parents stopped helping me pay for school they paid cash for a Lincoln Town Car?

She recently sold that car and wrote a check- a seventeen thousand dollar check- for her new car. While I can't afford to even keep my tank full.

Bitch. Sure... drive my college education around. Fucking flaunt it all you want.

But she can't move the piano. Agreed, she never promised to do so, but that was before she gave me the boot, before I lived in a third floor apartment. And she now says she'll not tune the piano... until I move it, myself, into my home. Which I simply cannot afford.

And the bitch knows it.

This was the straw tht broke the camel's back. She pulled this one out two months ago. I haven't spoken to her since, and I won't speak to her again until she makes a move to actually DO something to mend the rift. "I'm sorry" simply isn't enough. She needs to DO what she always preached to me about: she needs to take responsibility for her actions and try to make amends. Then, and ONLY then, will I even start speaking to her again.

Until then.... the bitch can rot for all I care.

[grasswire]

60. kgf?

You're under thirty years old. There's still PLENTY of time to do the things you want to do. Music teacher? Why the hell not be one? Even if it took four years of more schooling, you'd be under 35. Gad. If you only could see how young that is to start a new career.

You can spend time in regret and anger, or you can go after those dreams. Get a student loan if you have to. You'll be infinitely happier!

[Piperay]

62. Some people are just toxic and it is better to

stay away from them, to accept that they are just not nice and never will be. I was lucky both my parents were great but my mother had had a hard time of it being raised by a physically and verbally abusive mother herself while her father stood by and let it happen. My poor mother was torn all her life by the love she was 'supposed' to have for her mother and by the hate she actually felt for her. My mother fought off all the bad feelings she had for her mother and turned them onto herself instead, so she herself felt she was bad and that is why she was mistreated and had been unloved. It is rather complicated but I think my mother would have been way better off if she could just have accepted the fact that her mother was just a rotten human being and that she didn't have to love her just because she was her mother.