Mitch Hedberg quotes!

[Merrick]

Other than Bill Hicks, the best comedian to ever live...

I've had the AIDS test four times. And that shit is scary, doesn't matter what you've been doing. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS?" "No." "Cool, cause you know me."

You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn off the cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it "Mitch." Then reattach it and call me "Mitch-all-together."

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I'll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? "Don’t even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's back home in the file... under 'D', for doughnut."

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a motherfucker.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I wish I could play Little League now, I'd kick some fucking ass. I'd be way better than before

I like the FedEx guy, 'cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it! And he's always on time.

I mumble a lot offstage, I’m a mumbler. If I’m walking with a friend and I say something, he won’t hear me. He’ll say, "What?" So I’ll say it again, but once again he doesn’t hear me, so he says, "What?" But really it’s just some insignificant shit that I’m saying, but now I’m yelling, "That tree is far away!"

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick? Zipp. "Fuck you."

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-22222. I would say sweet. People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough."

I got an ant farm. Them fellas don't grow shit. I said, "how about some celery? You fuckers don't farm, besides, if I ripped your legs off, you would look like snowmen."

Much more:
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

[GreenPartyVoter]

1. I miss him :^(

[Lex]

2. Me too. He was a funny dude.

[GreenPartyVoter]

6. He looks the way I remember my lil bro

Not that my bro is gone, thank God, just that my memory seems to be fixated on what he looked like at a particular age. He hasn't had long hair in years. *lol*

[Dude_CalmDown]

3. Some of my favorites

"I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."

"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty."

"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."

"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up."

[DIKB]

4. Sadly

the day he died. The container that was once Terri Shiavo stopped working, and everyone focused on the brain dead body dying, rather than the loss of a brilliant man.

[ghostsofgiants]

5. All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I fuckin' hate arrows man, it's like "fuck you I'm not going that way...line...with two thirds of a triangle at the end." Could you imagine being killed by a bow an arrow? An arrow killed you, that would suck. They would never solve the crime. "Hey look at that dead guy...lets go that way."

I have a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he'd be comfortable. Oh, you're a king you say? Wait until you see what I have in store for you...it is to your exact specifications...I think I can hook your lady friend up too. When I was a kid, I used to lie awake in my twin bed wonderin' where my brother was.

I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy...all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.