Today is my mother's birthday. And I feel like shit.

[Rhiannon12866]

I just finally called my mother. Today is her birthday and, other than sending her a couple of e-cards that she never picked up, I haven't done a damn thing about it. I intended to ask her out for dinner, which I thought she'd enjoy. She wouldn't have to cook (though she seems to prefer frozen dinners, anyway) and it would be a nice chance for her to get out. My father died several years ago, so, if anyone's going to take her out, it's going to have to be me.:-(

I might as well explain. My mother is an overbearing Freeper with anger management problems. Though I never discuss politics with her, she knows how I feel and won't let it rest. But the worst problem is that she supports my 40-year-old brother, both financially and in every other way. And I can't deal with this overbearing bastard who has been abusive to me all my life. You'd think things would have changed, now that we're adults, but he just seems to become worse, the older he gets.:grr:

I've only seen my mother a couple of times in the past couple of months and, both times, it turned out really badly. She ranted at me more than usual and, everytime I see her, I vow that I just can't do it again. Anytime I have any dealings with her, and it's been this way for years, I end up feeling like stepping in front of a speeding bus.
:hide:

It started out well enough. She said she'd go. I was pleased. After all, I only have one living parent and I'd really like to mend fences. I was hoping that, over time, and with distance, she'd mellow a little. And she's over 70-years-old, so I knew I'd live to regret it, if I didn't make the effort.:shrug:

I told her that I'd take her anywhere she wanted to go. Her first choice was Red Lobster, which I told her wasn't such a great idea, since the wait would be really long and we're boycotting them for importing Canadian fish. I'm sure that my second remark sailed right past her. So I suggested this really nice Polish restaurant where we've been before. My mother is Polish, gets to speak her language with the owner, and he's always so nice, treats us specially. Also, he's a doctor who is sending the profits from his restaurant back to Poland to buy badly needed medical equipment, especially to help women afflicted with breast cancer. She really liked the idea.:-)

The problem started when she suddenly said that she had to bring my brother. She refused to "leave him home alone" and "divide" her family. *sigh* I told her that if he was going to take her out, I'd take her another time. I know damn well that, if she stays home, she'll end up waiting on him, as usual. There's no way that he'd ever take the initiative in anything, let alone taking someone, even his own mother, out to dinner, even on her birthday. I do not want to see him and I'm certainly not taking him out to dinner!:grr:

So we went round and round and she kept saying it was up to me. That she wouldn't do it "my way." Yeah, right. More guilt. I just offered to take her out to dinner! When my father was living, I used to take both of them, but she always insisted that I include my indigent brother, as well, but I refuse to be manipulated anymore. So that's that. She said that I can call when I've "gotten over my angry." Huh?! I was just firm and refused to put myself in a situation where I'd be uncomfortable and miserable. So I am not seeing my mother on her birthday and she has cast me in the role of the stubborn nasty bitch of a daughter, once again. And the strange thing is, we really don't get along that badly if it's just the two of us. I also got her a couple of books, including a biography of one of her heroes, the late pope, JP II...*sigh*:eyes:

Is there anyone else in the world that has to deal with an insane situation like this?! I honestly can't think of anybody else. Most of my friends don't even get it, no matter how well they know me and my family, because this is not normal. Their mothers love them. Why is it different for me? My Dad was the best and I was extremely close to my grandmother, but they're both gone. I don't know how to solve this, except to keep my distance, for my own mental health.:crazy:

Anyway, thanks to anybody who took the time to read this. Those who know me know that I never get personal on the board, but I am rather at the end of my tether. I have other issues going on and I gave up alcohol two months ago and my doctor has told me that I have to quit smoking. I have been chain smoking since the phone call and really feel like going out somewhere. I could sure use a drink. I wasn't even going to post this, but what the hell... Thanks for listening...
:nopity:

[silverweb]

1. I can empathize.

I have similar issues, which are why I live 3000 miles from my mother and never see the abusive brother. Send or drop off the books and a nice birthday card and leave it at that. Don't waste energy on guilt or trying to mend fences that disintegrated long ago.

[Rhiannon12866]

10. Thank you. I sympathize with you, as well. It's comforting to know that

I'm not the only one, though it sure seems like it. Not that I would wish this kind of guilt-mind trip on anybody else. All I can say is count your blessings for the distance. I have little other close family living and my mother and her evil spawn live only 3 1/2 miles away. It was different when my father was living; she had more self-control and wasn't so much influenced by the one person who truly hates me...:-(

I'll drop off the books this weekend. Thanks.:hi:

[Love Bug]

2. I'm sorry you have to deal with this

I really don't have a good suggestion except to bring your mother her presents and let her know you'll be happy to take her to dinner when it can just be "you girls."

[Rhiannon12866]

11. Thank you for the kind words. The thing is, it's never going to be just

"us girls." It's as if she's not complete without him, can't have a conversation without dragging him into it. She had to ask him the name of Red Lobster. *sigh* My reaction, whenever she does this, is just to walk away or hang up, but I really hoped she'd go. *sigh* But thanks for the suggestion.:-)

Actually, her friend is coming Sunday, a really nice lady whose little sheltie I often dog-sit, and she's expressed interest in the Polish restaurant when I've gone there before, so maybe I could get away with taking just the two of them. I had hoped to have more exciting plans this weekend, but this will probably be the best I can manage. I'll give it a shot. All she can do is turn me down again. Thanks...:shrug:

[wryter2000]

3. For next year

Put it on your calendar a week ahead of time to send her flowers. Then, leave it at that. If she contacts you at some time and wants to get together, tell her you'd love to go out to dinner JUST THE TWO OF YOU. That way, it's up front when the date is made that your brother won't be there. Tell her you want quality time with her alone.

Then, either suggest a place you think she'll like or take her to Red Lobster. If you give her the choice, don't come back with, "oh, that's not acceptable."

[Rhiannon12866]

18. Thanks, I'll do that. I procrastinated about calling her for way too long.

The thing is that I don't think it much mattered to her where she went. I kept saying I'd take her anywhere, but she kept asking me where I wanted to go. I told her that I'd call Red Lobster right then if that was her choice. The important thing to her was not the place, but that my brother would go, as well. And that's where we always run into trouble because this is one thing that I will no longer give in on. She's browbeaten me into it in the past, just to get her to back off, but no longer. So her solution to my refusal is to try to "guilt" me into giving in by saying that this is probably her last birthday. Yikes! What kind of monster of a daughter would refuse to grant her mother a last request?!:shrug:

But you're right. If she wants to go, I'll be happy to take her. And she can bring a friend if it'll make her feel better. She has some very nice friends. Her point is that she doesn't feel comfortable alone with me. She's a control freak and has to call all the shots. The word she likes to use is "matriarch." She may feel incomplete and at my mercy without her son, the enforcer, but I will no longer put up with this. I don't have to. Thanks.:-)

[bliss_eternal]

20. No, you really don't have to put up w/it...

You are entitled to set limits and boundaries that YOU are comfortable with. You are also entitled to enforce those boundaries.

If someone (even a blood relative) is abusive to you--you don't owe them a thing. Don't put yourself in situations that aren't good for you. Sure there are times in life we all have to do some stuff we don't want to, but putting ourselves with abusers isn't one of them.

I'm very sorry that you had a tough time with this... Please let yourself off the hook. You don't deserve the guilt or bad feelings.

:hug:

[Rhiannon12866]

22. Thanks for the support and kind words.

I agree that this has been going on for far too long, but it's still tough when it's your mother. We're all brought up to believe and conditioned to think that your parents are not only wiser than we are but are always in our corner. So it's a struggle, no matter what your age, to let go of this.:-(

And my mother, because she's of an earlier generation, believes in the infallibility of parents. She somehow thinks that the word "matriarch" will automatically evoke respect from me, and I'm sure that she's frustrated when it has just the opposite effect. I now see it as her bid for control.:-(

One thing that she's constantly saying, with all the recent news stories that are coming to light, is that all the child abuse that we're hearing about just didn't take place in her day. I don't believe it and I keep telling her that they just didn't hear about it. She drives me batty with her contention that things were so much "better" in "her day." Yikes! We grew up to believe that it doesn't solve anything just to sweep things under the rug!
:wow:

And I think that one of her key issues with me is embarrassment. She's "embarrassed" at my politics and also that I speak out. I went on for way too long believing that my family was completely normal. But I now know that the way they behave is just not acceptable and I'm done pretending otherwise. If that embarrasses her, then she and my brother will just have to make changes or live with it. I am trying not to be manipulated, but old habits die hard.:shrug:

Thanks for the support and the hug!:hug:

[bliss_eternal]

30. Anytime! I have a good idea what you are going through...

I was punished as a small child for saying things about Nixon--in my father's house (excuse me, but I lived there too...lol). Yeah--he's a freeper.

I've also had numerous problems with family and extended family because they are in denial about how (mentally) sick and abusive my mother is.

Know that you aren't alone, and again you don't have to accept abuse as the norm. Their generation did, but you don't...

:pals: :hug:

[no_hypocrisy]

4. I'm sorry that you feel bad.

I have sympathy as I have mixed feeling about my father and my mother, who passed away two years ago. I love them and they can get me crazy faster than anyone I've ever met. I went to therapy to get a grip on my feelings. My therapist told me that I could only change my outlook on how to deal with two difficult people whom I loved, but they were going to stay the same no matter how much I wished otherwise.

Why don't you go out to a good restaurant by yourself or with a good friend and celebrate life in general? You can take your mother out or whatever on another night, but not tonight, y'know?

((Hugs))

[Rhiannon12866]

26. Thanks so much for your sympathy and for sharing this...

It is particularly difficult to accept the realization that a parent is flawed, and in my case, blatantly so. My mother was neither so partisan nor so extreme in her reactions when my father was still here to calm the waters. But now my brother does his best to incite her, which sure takes its toll on me. Realizing it and getting over it are two separate issues.;(

And I'm so sorry that you still have similar conflicts with your parents, though they're gone. I have enough second thoughts about my relationship with my father, and he was a good guy. I still have hope for my mother, but very little, especially given today. You're absolutely right; she's never going to change, so it's up to me learn to deal with it. So many of us here are seeing therapists, which I think has to reflect on more than just our shortcomings...:-(

I didn't go out for dinner, though thanks for the suggestion. Instead, I went to a candlelight vigil to support Cindy Sheehan. I met numerous kindred spirits, somewhat of a surprise here in Freeper country, but a pleasant one. And it was a kind of celebration. So thanks.:hug:

I will take my mother out, though I'd sure prefer a much different and comforting type of evening. But I'm not sure how long this will be in coming, since it has to be her choice, but on my terms.:shrug:

[Midlodemocrat]

5. Sweetie, you are preaching to the choir.

Not my family, my husband's.

My husband has one sister, 55. She has always lived with her parents in her parent's home. She has worked sporadically, if at all. She doesn't have any friends, none. When her mom died, the wake visitors were me and hubby, her, my FIL, my FIL's two brothers and their wives. That was it.

I sincerely believe that this SIL is mentally ill, but in addition, she is just plain evil. She is a spoiled brat who thinks the world owes her something. Her mother used to say all the time "Oh, if only *** could get a break". Are you kidding? She had a great job at Coca Cola as a rep in the early 80s and if she had stayed, she would have a 401K with over $2million in it. Instead, she didn't like having to swap out the used canisters, so she quit and went back to mommy and daddy and did nothing for several years.

She did buy herself a house, which her father transformed from a one bedtoom into a four bedroom, which she sold for $100,000 more than she had paid for it and how much did she give daddy? Ooooh, pick me. Nothing. Simply moved in with him and mommy once again.

So, after my MIL died, and frankly, she was just as evil as this witch, SIL started sending us hate mail because my husband didn't grieve the way she thought he should have. He didn't sit at the grave for hours everyday (hard to believe, but true), because he had a JOB and a FAMILY to support.

She continued to live in the house that my inlaws bought and paid for, allegedly to care for my FIL. Well, she took him to a lawyer after he had his stroke and had him change his will leaving everything to her and cutting my husband completely out. Then, to make matters even cheerier, she started to abuse him by screaming at him and trying to choke him.

Now, we didn't know about any of this because she wouldn't allow us to talk to him. So, his lady friend called us and I immediately got him on a plane here to visit, but the real reason was to get him to stay.

We find out after that MIL convinced FIL to sign the house over to SIL about 10 years ago, right after the birth of my second child. He thought he retained 1/2 interest, but nope, sorry bub. You are flat broke.

So, here we sit, taking care of an infirm man with no resources, while the chosen one gets the $600,000 house after abusing the man who paid for it.

Nice, huh? Good thing we had a room for him, or he would have had to go into state care.

The thing that irks my husband and me the most is that his mother didn't give a second's thought to the fact that her husband might need to take some of the money out of that house for healthcare. So SIL, who is the vilest piece of shit on the planet gets it all.

[Arugula Latte]

12. Holy crap.

What an evil, conniving bitch. You have my sympathy!

[Rhiannon12866]

29. Mother of God, and I thought I had troubles!

Wow! What an evil conniving bunch! I just don't understand people like this, but then why would I want to? I do have one question, however: have you talked to an attorney or has your FIL? Do you, or does he, have any legal recourse? Surely he must have, if he was swindled out of his property and resources by his greedy daughter? Does he have no resources at all? Obviously, he did have and doesn't the fact that he gave them away with no thought for the future prove diminished capacity? There must be some legal way of forcing your SIL to contribute to her father's care. Frivolous lawsuits are won everyday and this is a deadly serious issue. I would also think that your husband might have a case. Why was he suddenly left out of the equation? Undue influence?:shrug:

I know nothing about the law regarding this (obviously), but it reminds me of the case of my great-aunt, not in the details, but because it also involved a greedy woman with a heartless and evil agenda. My great-aunt had a second marriage to an older man with several middle-aged children. When he became incapacitated and she needed help caring for him at home, one of his daughters volunteered, coming in and staying with him at night. What she was doing, unknown to my aunt and her family, was spiriting away anything she believed had come from her parents' home, including things that belonged to my aunt and even photos out of frames!
:wow:

This woman even stole my aunt's checkbook, saying that she thought it was her father's. And it turned out that she wasn't caring for her father out of love or concern, but was paying herself very well to do so! When my aunt found out about the thefts from her home (they lived in her house), she was very naturally upset. I remember just dropping by one afternoon when the step-daughter was there and my aunt practically threw herself at me, expecting me to save her from this harridan! I pressed her two daughters to pursue this legally, but I don't know how far they went with it.:shrug:

I suspect that they lost heart for it, since their mother died very soon after that. Her husband was hospitalized, not doing at all well, and my aunt told me herself that he wasn't expected to return home. And my aunt's health had also taken a turn for the worse. Her own daughters began taking turns staying the night at her house (without being paid, of course) until one morning, she just never woke up. She was gone. This complicated matters legally, since her husband now inherited from her, instead of the other way around, even though he only survived her by a month and never returned home or even knew that my aunt had died. So her estate was claimed by his beneficiaries.:-(

My point in saying all this is that there was clear malice here, as in the case of your SIL. And, in her case, your FIL is still living and needs some kind of income to pay for his upkeep, even if you and your husband can afford it. Your husband should not have been disinherited, but, at the very least, he should be compensated for caring for his Dad.:-(

I actually blame the step-daughter for hastening my aunt's death. I saw her and how distraught she had become over the behavior of this woman, an intruder in her home. His older children seemed to regard my aunt as some kind of floozy who had no rights over decisions regarding her own husband. And the truth was that my great-aunt was 77 years old and she was married to her second husband (her first died) for almost 20 years. At one point, the step-daughter came and got him, taking him to her own home. This upset my aunt terribly, especially since the woman lived in a rural town, too far for my aunt to visit easily and far from the hospital or his doctors. I would think that a good lawyer could have made a case for her as well as for you.:-(

Anyway, thanks so much for sharing your painful story. I guess that there is no limit to the evils that can be perpetrated by family. And I am so sorry that you're having to face this. Your husband, not to mention your FIL, is very lucky to have you.:hug:

[havocmom]

6. ((((((((Rhiannon12866))))))))) Sadly, there are plenty of others with

similar tales of family woes. Wish I could make you feel better. Wish I could make your mom wake up and see the light.

That passive/aggressive shit is hard to take. You are right to hold your ground. There really isn't anything you can do to change the situation. All you can do is remove yourself from their game. That is the bitter pill, I know.

If your mother fails to appreciate your efforts, that is HER FAILING, not yours. It would be nice if you could mend fences in the now, but sounds like she just won't go there. Again, her failure, not yours.

Take the love you would like to shower on your birth mom and find someone who could use and appreciate some of it in their own life. I made a habit of this after estranging myself from the company of a misogynist father and distancing myself from a passive/aggressive mother.

They are both gone and I have no regrets. I can love what was good and pretty much dismiss the rest. I still 'talk' to my mom when something happens that would have tickled her, but I don't have to deal with her indulgence of an indolent brother either ;) And I now have some good memories and friendships from/with the elders I chose to spend my time and efforts on when I accepted I could not save my parents from their own demons.

You can only do so much. After that, acceptance of that fact is your task.

Hang in there. It will be OK. Vent anytime. I'll listen.

peace and strength,
havocmom

[miss_kitty]

7. Sorry you are going through this

It's hard when family are asshats, because you are supposed to love them and sometimes you can't.

Know that her shit is not your fault. She has made many decisions that have delivered her to this point in her life. Every angry outburst she commits is an act based on a feeling she decided to have.

My sister has tried to pull manipulative shit on me. When I became overt about stopping it, two things happened. One, sometimes she hasn't talked to me for a couple of years. Two, she understands I won't put up with bullshit. I just don't have the time.

It sounds as if you are making some good decisions to protect yourself. Now enjoy your strength and don't beat yourself up about it. Take someone you actually LIKE out to dinner on your mom's birthday. And treat yourself well put the smokes down and tell yourself no to the drink. Don't abuse yourself because your mom does.

[Kali]

8. Trust me you are not alone

I communicate with my last living parent by email only, and we actually have similar politics! Got the defective sibling thing going too - but my parent has to make sure EVERYTHING is FAIR. So whenever any sort of monetary gift or help is given all the kids get EXACTLY the same. Nevermind one is a meth/alcololic scum that has lost two kids already (I have one of them) and that another does all kinds of extra shit, including driving and caring for the house when parent is gone, etc etc and that sibling never gets a break...none of us have lived up to any expectations (who could?!)

The functional siblings "fight" over who gets STUCK with the parent for holidays...nobody wants to get near them after cocktail hour which is now starting around noon....you get the picture, I'm sure.

The saddest part is this is my kids only grandparent. I was blessed to have all 4 of my grandparents until I was 16 and the remaining 3 until I was an adult...and very close to one until even my kids were born, thought they no longer have any memory. OK now I am depressed.

Take a good friend out instead - you get to choose your friends! My best thanksgiving holiday ever was the one held with friends instead of family!!!

[GreenPartyVoter]

9. *hugs* I remember your previous posts about your mom and bro. I am

so sorry that they are still a source of stress to you. :hug:

[Rhiannon12866]

13. Oh, fuck!!!! I just got an E-MAIL FROM MY MOTHER!!!

My mother can't even log on to the computer without help. Oh, no... And I was just beginning to feel better about this... Here it is, #2 guilt trip and kick in the gut for the day...;(

Thank You, I got your card. I like it and pat Sara for me and tell her I miss her. It was a special day and I heard from a few people by phone and by card. Just to let you know that Raymonde called me. Also my friend Johnny. Also heard from college friends. You probably can't believe that so many of my friends of many years still keep in touch with me as you feel so anti your mother. I hope that one day you will change your mind. If you insist that only you and I can have a lunch together, call me. But I felt that on my special birthday it was a special occasion and since there were only us three, I thought that may be my last birthday should be spent with MY TWO children. Sorry you felt that way. Hope you are happy now and giving up some of the addictions, that things will work out for you. Call me if you feel that things will be better sometime soon. Or if you need anything, Thanks again, Love, Mother.

[AuntieM1957]

15. Man, I hate those cards and letters, too.

Guilt in an envelope.

I found a wonderful tool for dealing with them.

The trash can.

Don't bite when she tries to make you the bad guy.

[Rhiannon12866]

17. This wasn't a letter, but an e-mail.

It was sent in reply to one of the e-mail birthday cards I sent her. The "Sara" that she mentions is my dog, and I also sent her one from my two dogs, but she, apparently, didn't get that one, even though I sent them at the same time. (My dogs correspond with more people than I do...:D) She seems to have used this not to thank me, as she said, and no doubt believes, but to reiterate the jabs that she gave me over the phone. The thing that creeps me out is that my mother is hopeless on the computer, though I've offered numerous times to teach her, so this means that she had help and supervision in drafting this...
:scared:

But you're right. I just began feeling shitty all over again. I should just get rid of it and move on. The one thing that concerns me is that "they" will consider this the last word, and will operate from this belief no matter how much time goes by. It's easy to keep things uppermost in your mind when the high point of your day is the mail delivery...:-(

[bliss_eternal]

21. I call those 'red flags' and 'hooks'...

...things that only they can say that will 'unhinge you' one way or another.

I'm sorry, I know what it's like to have to distance myself from family. The distance eventually turned into divorce for me.

I hope this isn't the case for you.

You have friends here :pals: Sorry this was such a rotten situation to deal with.

[Rhiannon12866]

24. I'll have to remember those terms...

It shouldn't be hard, since the world seems to turn red when I'm confronted with this blatant attempt at manipulation and lack of reason.:grr:

And I'm so sorry about your divorce. I honestly never took politics all that seriously in the past, and it took 9/11 to make me wake up and start paying attention. I've learned a lot in a fairly short time and I really haven't much liked what I've found.:-(

But I sure can identify with you. I can't imagine having a sincere relationship with a close friend, let alone something much deeper, with anyone who doesn't share our beliefs. And, in that, aside from my family, I've been lucky. For me, it's the difference between believing the truth or lies, and that's not a difficult choice at all.:-)

And thanks for the kind words and support. I never intended to actually post this thread. I just wrote it as a kind of catharsis. But I'm now so grateful that I did. I've found any number of unexpected friends on this board.:pals:

[AuntieM1957]

14. All families are dysfunctional

it's true.

I can relate to so much of your post, that it made me wonder if you somehow had a window into my little world.

I'm doing much better dealing with my widowed mother now - with the help of my therapist. I also started attending Al-Anon recently - because another family member is an addict. Both have helped me to see that I often "invited" the controlling behavior.

Now, I call periodically but limit the conversations and the contact. I don't tell her I'm doing it - because that will lead to an argument. If I want to take her out, I pre-determine the event, the time, etc. - I call and say would you like to go? If I want it to be just the two of us, I'll mention that. She's learned that I won't argue who,where,what and why anymore. So she either says yes or she sits her butt at home. Because like you, I'm the only one who will take her anywhere (unless of course she's paying their way).

I've simply stop arguing with her. I'm not likely to change her - and she certainly didn't get me to be the docile little doormat she wanted.

Please don't think that your experience is unique and everyone else has a wonderful Donna Reed relationship with their mom. Set your personal boundaries, stop arguing with her, and just enjoy what you can have with her. BTW, I've also made it clear I will no longer listen/let her usurp my conversations/time with her on my siblings.

I explained that once. She didn't believe or didn't think I'd really do it. The first time she did it, I lost my temper. The second, I made an excuse to end the phone call quickly. And so on, until she stopped. It doesn't happen anymore.

[Rhiannon12866]

16. Wow. Thanks. And I do realize that now. But most aren't so intentionally

hurtful, especially mothers, are they? Most people I know have mothers who would defend them no matter what. Supposedly your mother is the one person who will always love you. Mothers will defend convicted killers, but mine has totally turned against me because she doesn't agree with my politics, I will not pretend that my brother is in any way normal, nor will I even deal with him, but mostly, and I've thought a lot about this, that I had the unmitigated nerve to actually grow up. My brother adamantly refuses to, so he "needs" her. I, from her perspective, obviously do not.:shrug:

I actually feel a little better reading these posts. While I sure don't wish my familial conflicts on anyone else, it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one confronting this kind of thing. I guess that among 76,000 fellow liberals, there were bound to be more than a few kindred spirits.
:pals:

I appreciate you sharing some of your coping strategies. You are obviously better at this than I am. You say you're seeing a therapist? It seems like many others on this thread are, as well, no big surprise. I really should go back and see mine. I began seeing one because of a completely different conflict, but I think that I need to talk to her more about dealing with family issues since, at the time, that was not my biggest concern. I stopped seeing her last year, when I was actually living with my mother and her evil spawn. She told me that she couldn't do much more for me while I continued to live in "an abusive environment." Since I no longer am, I should go back. Does your family know that you're seeing one? I am not at all embarrassed about admitting it. My friends know, my financial adviser, my veterinarian and my hair guy. The only one that just cannot know is my mother. I saw one for awhile, years ago, when I first got out of school and was confused and lost. And my mother has never forgotten this. That is another one of what she considers her aces, that because I saw a therapist, even though he let me loose because he said that there was nothing wrong with me, I must be the one who is "crazy." Because they've never seen anybody, they must be the ones who are sane.:crazy:

You also mention addictions. My mother also drinks, though she'd never admit it, which I think severely distorts her thinking, but it's my "addictions" that she's obsessed with. I admit to drinking too much while I was living with them, but I finally figured out my trigger, physical fear. Since I left there for the last time, I haven't had anything to drink at all. Not everything is great for me now and I have been on a kind of emotional roller coaster for the past couple of months, and am going through a low point right now, I'm not tempted to drink at all. I'm no longer that afraid.
:scared:

And I identify with so much of what you say, as well. The money thing also came up tonight. She said that she'd pay for dinner if that meant that my brother could come. That was absolutely not the point, but I was at a loss to explain it. Things just get so convoluted when I'm attempting to speak with her that often walking away is my only option, leaving her believing that she's achieved some kind of victory because I just gave up.:shrug:

And you have siblings? What I'd give for one or two of those! But it's just me, except for my abusive, manipulative controlling brother, who is at the heart of the problem, and whose agenda is to cause further conflict between my mother and me. If it is just the two of us, it's not that bad, but the two of them make sure that this rarely happens.:-(

Anyway, thank you for sharing all this, and sorry to go on. You've given me a lot to think about. As I said, I am not somebody who imagined I'd ever get this personal on the board, but I'm glad that I went ahead and posted this. There are a lot of kindred spirits on DU and I not only feel less alone, but I can benefit from your insights and experiences. So thanks...
:grouphug:

[onager]

19. One of the best posts I ever saw on this subject...

...was on the old Salon.com boards:

Of course your mother knows how to push your buttons. She installed them.

FWIW, I have some of the same issues with my mother and the rest of the family. It's like being the only zebra offspring in a family of otherwise normal uni-color horses or something.

[Rhiannon12866]

23. Thanks! I think that I've heard this, but it can't be repeated too often!

And I sympathize with you, as well. It's a revelation to me that so many others are struggling with the same familial conflicts. I really felt that I was alone in this, at least among family and friends that I know well.;(

And there's nothing wrong with being the zebra, LOL!:D

And I do know that it's never too late to change, though it's more of a struggle for some of us than for others. *sigh* But I only have to look as far as my grandmother to gain inspiration. I come from a long line of republicans, my grandmother being the real "matriarch." So you can imagine my surprise, albeit a pleasant one, when she called me after the 1992 presidential election to announce to me that she'd voted for Bill Clinton! It took her a long time, but my grandmother, who even voted against FDR, voted Democrat for the first time in her life! I told her that I did, as well, but that there was no need to tell the others. But I think that the time has come, and I'll start by telling my mother...:D

[AuntieM1957]

28. Yes, they know I see a therapist

and I've heard the "you must me sick". From siblings. Unfortunately, mine are an awful lot like yours.

It's kind of like a dance we all do - and have done so long we all know the steps. Not much fun, but we keep reacting to each other in the same ways.

That's how the therapy is helping me - to see when the dance starts - and sit it out. Al-Anon helps me because I find other people who deal with an addict. Realize I'm not alone.

It's not all great - but I no longer find myself losing my temper or spiraling into depression over what they think and do.

I'm sorry you're going through this, because I know how much it hurts. And it keeps us from being everything we want to be.

[In_The_Wind]

25. I'm sorry for the way that you're feeling Rhiannon.

families can cause us so much pain


I walked away from my entire family the day after I graduated from high school. After reading your thread ... I realized ... I don't even know when my mother's birthday is she would be near 80 if she's still alive. I keep promising myself that someday I'll hire someone to find her, I'm curious as to who she became after she decided to stop being my mother 55 years ago. ... perhaps, I'm the lucky one after all.




:hug::hug::hug: cause you need lots of :hug::hug::hug:

[WCGreen]

27. A Fense has two sides to it......

Now I sound like Jack Handy...

No, you aren't the only on with manipulative, guilt provoking parental units....

My Polish Grandmother was a champ....

Just do what you think you have to do but if you quit drinking, be careful that her issues don't make you drink again...

Sober for 22 years..... and Polish....

[bliss_eternal]

31. Congratulations on your sobriety!

That's an achievement to be proud of...
:applause: :thumbsup: