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Solon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-18-05 11:55 PM
Original message
Need Relationship advice!!!!!
Of a sort, so to speak. Awww...shit I don't really know what I'm doing, or she is doing either. That's the problem. OK, I'll lay out the situation, and then go from there. About a year and a half ago, at a previous job, I ran into this girl, a fellow co-worker. Anyways, she wanted help with college studies, and for some reason asked ME to help. Exchanged numbers, but schedule conflicts and my changing jobs and homes caused me to lose her number. She lost mine when her cell phone died, literally. Nephews are like that :).

OK, fast foward to the beginning of July, this year. I ran into her again, at her new job, I worked close by(keeping it general here :)). So, we recognized each other, hugged, but couldn't talk much, she was starting her shift. Anyways, about two days later, I show up to buy something, and low and behold, she was the cashier(funny how those things happen! ;)). So I told her we should go out somewhere and catch up on things. She said sure, and gave me her number, I gave her mine in return. Also, she mentioned that she is leaving at end of summer to go back to college, that put a damper on things.

Now, oddly enough, our schedules, this time around, didn't conflict(ahh, the glories of being a sub-contractor with my OWN schedule). Anyways, so we went out, had fun playing pool, drinking a little bit. Also, she said that she wasn't ready for any relationship, refer back to end of last paragraph for the reason. So, for the next month or so, we were going out to dinner, celebrated her first tattoo, in fact I was the first one she called after she got it, which I thought was odd. A couple of times, we couldn't go out for one reason or another, but it is just casual after all, nothing serious.

OK, now onto the weird stuff that I have no clue what to think about. In between going out, I would call her one day, to setup for the next time we go out, and then she would call me for the entire weekend, damn near everyday, to talk. We would talk for hours, on one cancelled date, I called to tell her I couldn't go to the movies, left a message. She called back at 7:30 pm, and we didn't hang up, except for phones dying/switching, until around 4:30 am. Mostly we would talk about relationships, love, poetry, she even recited some of her own to me over the phone, etc.

During all this time I sort of, ah hell, I'm have a fucking crush on her, can't help it, really. I don't really know what to do, but now onto the complication, another guy. She ran into him at work, he hit on her, she thinks he's hot, so they exchange numbers, though she told me that she just want so see if they can be friends. So, for the past week they have been hanging out, and he told her that he just wants to be friends, and she's the one with the crush, at least that what she told me tonight when she called.

So, here's even more weird shit going down, first, she said that no guy and girl can be just friends when they are either attracted to each other or cool with one another(then what the fuck are her and I?). Also, she thought he was giving hints at more than being friends with calling all the time and talking till the wee hours of the morning(refer back to rest of post for that type of shit). Second, she says she doesn't play 'games' anymore with guys, again refer back to the rest of my post.

The thing is this, I never really told her my feelings, though I didn't exactly hide any intentions from her at all. I mean, c'mon, I did ask her out on a freaking date at first, wasn't even that subtle about it either. I did sort of play it cool, knowing she was leaving in less than 2 months, but still, she has to know I like her that way, doesn't she? She's smart, witty, and we have like a 99% compatibility in interests(I forgive her her sometimes liking of country) :). The thing that is killing me is she tells me EVERYTHING about this damned guy, like I want to hear that shit. I mean, I don't really know what to think about her, I don't have a clue as to how to read women, hell, most of my girlfriends had to ask ME out on dates to even get started(I'm shy so sue me).

I'm guessing(hoping?) that maybe she is trying to force a response from me by telling me about this other guy. Or maybe she is really as clueless as I am, and doesn't know what to think either. This is like a goddamn soap opera of sorts, and I hate those shows. Any advise as to what to tell her later? She's supposed to call me after watching a movie with her little brother.
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NoSheep Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-18-05 11:58 PM
Response to Original message
1. Just be straight with her. OR...continue with the drama.
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Solon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:03 AM
Response to Reply #1
4. Yeah, but would that be fair to her?
I really don't want to lay my emotional mess on her just as she is leaving, she's going to Hawaii for crying out loud, to go to college. But at the same time, I'm in a freaking mess over this myself. Then again, maybe I'm just trying to justify my own cowardice.
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WCGreen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:16 AM
Response to Reply #1
13. Really.....
Tell her to shut up about the other fucking guy cause you only have a short time to spend with her so why is she talking about him......

I'm just sayin.

I mean shit or get off the pot....

Dude, what's the worse that could happen? She tell's you to fuck off and you loose a few weeks with her yappin about this other guy....
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OrwellwasRight Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 02:40 AM
Response to Reply #13
27. Agreed. Good advice.
and take it from me.

I just got into a heap of trouble myself due to a failure to communicate: I thought he wasn't interested so I went looking elsewhere, then jealously reared its ugly head, and now it's drama.

Ridiculous.
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KitchenWitch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:01 AM
Response to Original message
2. does not pass the smell test for me
It does sound to me like she is playing some games, whether guy number two exists or not.
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castiron Donating Member (376 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:01 AM
Response to Original message
3. Okay, I read it all, now listen to me carefully:
she knows what she's doing.
Hang loose. Be cool. Don't sweat it. Your only chance with her is to, seriously, be a bit aloof.

I'm a girl.
I should know.
Be above her!
But I can tell I'm talking to the deaf a little. You are clearly in love and thus incapable of playing it cool.

Hope this helps.
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mykpart Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:03 AM
Response to Original message
5. Just be up front with her.
Don't worry about her response. You need to know, and you need to express your feelings. She obviously likes you on some level, and that shouldn't change if she doesn't have romantic feelings. Something similar happened to my son, and he finally just came out with it to the girl. They are now engaged to be married. Good luck.
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NoSheep Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:11 AM
Response to Reply #5
10. agreed. you said it better.
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Wapsie B Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:04 AM
Response to Original message
6. Man, I feel your pain.
I've been there. Ask her straight out if you two could be more than just friends. If not, move on. You don't need to listen about some other "hot" guy who may or may not rip her heart out later.
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jpgray Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:04 AM
Response to Original message
7. Make a move
The sooner the better, if she's interested.
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Floogeldy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:06 AM
Response to Original message
8. Your post is too long for me to read
Suffice to say, get some poontang and fuck everything else.

Seriously, if you type a post that long, you are not ready for any of the many possible correct or incorrect answers that you will get.

You're welcome.

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swag Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:42 AM
Response to Reply #8
23. Ideal advice for any situation.
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petronius Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 01:02 AM
Response to Reply #8
25. There's something really backwards about your first sentence
but I can't figure out how to make a joke about it without getting deleted...:(
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Yupster Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:09 AM
Response to Original message
9. Seems to me that she's slotted you into her
confiding friend role.

She trusts you enough to tell you her secrets and all.

I see you telling her you have great feelings for her and she getting offended and telling you that to think she thought she could trust you, but you're just like all the other guys she knows.

I'd be wary and make clear you are not her chatty friend.
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MrScorpio Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:12 AM
Response to Original message
11. Let her know how you feel
Tell her that you'd like to get with her. She'll either say yea or nay.

If she says yea, and you want it to be exclusive, let her know that that's where you're coing from.

If she says nay, just let it go. I mean it, let it go. Unrequited love is someplace where you don't want to go.

Instead asking us, she will give you the answer that you need.
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MichiganVote Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:15 AM
Response to Original message
12. Go back to work sweetie, every woman her age knows how to keep
as many fish on the string as possible and still look innocent as hell. She may be a catch but you don't sound like you'd like living in a net. Move on....how do I know? Woman who are honest, sincere, and worth losing your head over don't talk about one guy with another guy. Move on....
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lukasahero Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 07:29 AM
Response to Reply #12
32. Words of wisdom, MichaganVote
"Woman who are honest, sincere, and worth losing your head over don't talk about one guy with another guy."

There's always so much talk on this board about how women screw guys over and play games. Yeah, there are women who do that. Learn to recognize them and stay away from them and then maybe you won't end up with a broken heart.

If, as some are saying, she's trying to get you to divulge your feelings for her, then she's not being honest, she's being manipulative. If, more likely, she views you as the "buddy", you're only going to get hurt if you do divulge your feelings.

My advice? (For what it's worth but you did ask...) Talk to her. Tell her you're getting mixed messages and ask her what's going on. But let her go first and don't confess your deepest thoughts. If she's playing a game, that will only make her feel good and do nothing for you or a potential relationship.
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WCGreen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:19 AM
Response to Original message
14. Dude, on second thought....
Get some balls....

Girls like balls....

tell her how you feel....

Tomorrow......

It's like you're one of her girlfriends.....
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Solon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:23 AM
Response to Reply #14
16. Fuck it, I'll call her tonight...I like your response the best BTW
thanks, just one question, should I wait till I think the movie is over with or right now? And yes, I'm pathetic enough to actually ask this.
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WCGreen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:25 AM
Response to Reply #16
18. Yea, why ruin a good movie
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LastKnight Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:27 AM
Response to Reply #14
20. whatever you do, dont rush into calling her.
Edited on Fri Aug-19-05 12:28 AM by LastKnight
she has you eating out of the palm of her hand. call her on your own timetable, dont delay it when you are ready. but dont rush it either, because she's holding all the cards at the moment.

edit: err wrong spot, was supposed to be a response to solon. sorry.
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Solon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 01:14 AM
Response to Reply #20
26. That's OK, I'm going to call her at 1:30...
and NO I didn't write down what I'm going to say, I'm ready, and need a response soon, the timetable is out of both of our hands, obviously. For now, I'm thinking about how to put it best, and also to not lose my fucking nerve.
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NewJeffCT Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 04:54 AM
Response to Reply #26
29. Let us know how it went!
seems interesting, and I agree that you should take the lead. If she shoots you down, at least you know. If you never ask, you will always have that, "what if...?" in the back of your mind.

Is her college far away?
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gulfcoastliberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:45 AM
Response to Reply #14
24. "balls" and "shit or get off the pot" sum it up your situation perfectly
Ask her out on a date and get drunk with her (while out, do not mention the other guy or allow her to speak of him - say you're out with her to have fun/a good time). Take it from there - be up front and tell her (hopefully chemistry is developing as the booze runs its course) you want her/think she is hot and try to take her back to your place (or hers, whatever) - "let's get out of here". Say life is short and you just want to have some fun, no strings attached. If you think it prudent, use pickup lines like "are those space pants you're wearing? --- because your ass is out of this world!). The worst that can happen is she'll say no. If that's the case, drop her like a lead balloon and move on. Or maybe ask her if she has any friends she can introduce you to - networking never hurts.

Good luck!
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jobycom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:22 AM
Response to Original message
15. Like any of us has a chance of knowing what she's up to
She could be clueless. That's why you're drawn together.

My instinct would be that she got bored waiting for you, or frustrated figuring that she didn't want to start something serious just to be hurt when she left. The other guy is a flirtation, nothing more. That doesn't mean you aren't, too. But she's fishing for you.

Be cool, make a move, don't be a geek and confess your love. Try to get the next conversation going the way you want it. When she says he must like her because they talk all night, remind her that you do, too. Of course she already knows that, and is aware of what she's saying, but this gives her a chance to kick the conversation up a notch.

Do it cool and flirty, stay in control, and push her playfully to the conversation you want to have. Don't start spouting out how much you want her unless you think she's hooked, or unless you think she's gone and have no way to get her back. But don't be too cool. Every woman I've ever lost has been because I played it too cool.

That's the extent of my advice. I'm the world's worst, though, so listen to anyone with better advice than me.

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Solon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:26 AM
Response to Reply #15
19. I was thinking of calling her and not confessing, but more like being...
Edited on Fri Aug-19-05 01:07 AM by Solon
angry at what I view as her game with this other guy and me, that I don't want to hear that shit, etc.
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LastKnight Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:24 AM
Response to Original message
17. i once heard a comedian...
Edited on Fri Aug-19-05 12:31 AM by LastKnight
describe the situation of 'being the best friend of who you like' as applying for a job, having the perfect qualifications, but not being hired. your resume being used to judge all other applicants, and the employer will call you up to complain or gush about the guy they did hire.

and its freakin accurate.

dont be that guy. be upfront and know where you stand, and make your decisions from there. if she reciprocates, cool, if not... move on.

considering she will be leaving soon i wouldnt do anything, the only thing worse than unrequited love is a long distance relationship.

she may feel the same and not want to risk a friendship cause she is unsure how you feel, so she drops all the 'talking all night' hints and whatnot. only way to be sure about anything is to ask straight up.
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Solon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:32 AM
Response to Reply #17
21. LOL, I know that feeling...
all too well, I'm going to wait a little bit, and not let HER call me, but the other way around. Oddly enough, that application comparison is apt, that is practically how I found my best friend, though for us, yeah I had a crush, but, she's a lesbian, so now we are practically brother and sister, family, of our choice.
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Solon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 12:40 AM
Response to Reply #17
22. Actually I told her that once...
I tried the long distance thing(oddly enough another college girl) and it didn't work because of the distance. I just had to break it off, there is only so much in a relationship that can happen through e-mails and the occasional phone call.
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BikeWriter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 02:49 AM
Response to Original message
28. Shit, you don't want my advice! I've been married most of my life...
and I haven't a clue how women think! The one thing I know and will guarantee you is this: Her reality and your reality are almost assuredly not the same.
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BlueIris Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 05:51 AM
Response to Original message
30. Bail. Doesn't sound to me like this drama is worth it.
Actually, with all due respect, it sounds like this situation is a disaster waiting to happen. But what do I know, I no longer have the ability to love other human beings.
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cleofus1 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-19-05 05:57 AM
Response to Original message
31. shit or get off the pot...
make your move and live with the consequences...
slip her some tongue and see if she slips some back...
don't think too much...just do it...
be a man...
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