Hi guys, an update, of sorts, from the previous night...

[Solon]

OK, for those who don't know, I posted this thread looking for advise on a girl the other night. Anyways, so, I called her that night, we talked till about 4:30, let's just say I fucked up, made her feel bad, and at the same time realized 3 important things. Number one is this, that initially, at least, friendship was what she wanted. Second, friendship is still her goal, though a relationship isn't entirely out of the question. And Thirdly, much later, after I slept on it I realized that a relationship at this point is a disaster, that I was wanting and needing something from her that I already had, the rest was just infatuation and lust. After much introspection, I realized that I wouldn't want the complication, even though, if she were ready, I wouldn't oppose it, but also, not wait for it either.

So for about 2 days, I felt extremely bad about myself, realizing how selfish I was, and also, oddly enough, that the reason I felt bad was for that alone, not the idea of her being with someone else, or not wanting to be with me. Also, oddly enough, it was her own words, from previous conversations we had, her kindness and caring, that actually help me with this realization.

It actually took me damn near 2 whole days to sort out how I felt, and why, and in all that time, I was thinking of ways to make it up to her. I don't really know how badly I hurt her, but I do know I did, that I will not forgive myself for. I realized I fucked up really bad, and that I want her as a friend if nothing else, so now, I'm in a bind of sorts, I realized that for me, it was love, but love of a different sort. Anyways, I was thinking about calling her tonight, but I don't have the proper words in my head to make any such conversation make up for what I did to her. So I thought of something special in mind, sort of out of the blue, because I was outside, just sitting there on the deck, smoking cigarattes, and wishing that the stores actually sold alcohol after 1 am around here(NOTE: I don't drink). All of the sudden, these words popped into my head, so I wrote them down, and this is the result. I'm e-mailing them to her tonight, but I was just wondering if anyone thinks its any good. :)


Guiding Light

Guiding Light, Shining So Bright
You lit up a path through a dark summer's night
Through kind words and deeds, you've shown this to me.

For while this path is now clear
I know not the perils that are there
But for some reason I do not fear.

To walk this path now, I feel free
From self-doubt, that now I see
The gift you gave to me.

It was only through introspection that I opened my eyes
For my world was filled with self doubt until I saw through the lies
Lies of my own making, ones that I said to myself.

These lies told me to doubt even you
Though now, with eyes open, I see what is true
Your words were never false, not even just once.

For your words of kindness and wisdom
I rewarded you with anger and venom
Now that I see, I can only say I'm sorry.

Doubting you stained me with guilt that will not wash away
A simple apology will not suffice, so this is all I can say
This can be difficult to say so I will not delay.

I love you for being a friend when I was in need
For you were right, where I was wrong in this at the least
True friends are friends through thick and thin.

For while I say that you are my Guiding Light
Such things are only fleeting, and flash past most before they might
See the things I saw when I looked into your eyes.

I say this with a heart that has been lifted
You are the one who is truely gifted
That you see with eyes wide open.

I'm no longer lost, blundering through the dark
For though I was not seeking, I saw that soul within you.
Bright soul, one who is true
Remember these words
And follow them through:

Live as if everyday is the last, be free, and be happy.

ON EDIT: Fixed the GODDAMNED LINK!!!!

[Wetzelbill]

1. Honestly.....

Don't send her this. It's fine, it's beautiful and it will forever put you in the "just sweet" category. I've done it. It will also make you seem weak, like you are pining all over her. It also may be too much for her. I just wouldn't do it.

You did what you had to do. You shouldn't feel bad about it. Sure, you didn't want to hurt her or anything, but you also didn't want to be a wreck over her yourself. No man wants to hear the woman they are interested in talk about some other guy all the time. No way. You had to call her and find out.

Give her a call, be good to her, treat her nicely. That's how you can make it up to her. Sending this will be a mistake, there is just too much she could take wrong out of it. I will say it again, I have done the same thing a few times. It only works in movies. You may run the risk of going down in flames. Now if you were already a couple, shared that intimacy and were trying to win her back, that's when this kind of stuff works. As of now, it will only push her away.

Best thing is give her a call. Say some nice things to her. Maybe find a theme from what you wrote and say something to her from those words. A general idea or maybe something like "I loved you for being a friend when I was in need." Just don't send the poem. Honest.

I will tell you this. If you want her keep at it. Don't be a jerk, of course, but let her know that you want her and you will not wait forever. Not on that front, anyway. You seem to be backing off a bit, like it's your fault. It isn't. You can't help how you feel, you may have made a mistake by hurting her with something you said, but you were right in getting it out in the open. But, don't ever convince yourself that you aren't good enough for whatever you want. Stay friends, but don't hold back while she finds somebody else. If she's looking for something, you go for it and make sure that she finds it with you.