Does anyone here have experience helping abused women?

[Tyrone Slothrop]

I realize that this may be a bit "heavy" for the lounge in the evening, but I need some impersonal advice from some smart people, and none of the other forums seemed to be "right" for this, as it is a personal situation. (Besides, other folks post about illness and the death of pets, so...)

Anyway, here's my story:

A couple of weeks ago I met a really nice, cool woman while out drinking with some of my friends. We kind of hit it off, and by the end of the night, she had confessed to me that the reason she was out was that her live-in boyfriend had beaten up her up the night before, and she needed a place to stay. Being a fairly nice guy (and being completely repelled and revolted by abuse to women), I let her stay at my place. No hanky-panky or anything like that went on, but we did share my bed. (I didn't really have anywhere else for her to sleep.)

The next morning, we talked quite a bit, and she had decided to leave the guy. I felt good, as though I had possibly helped in some way. We swapped phone numbers, and she went back home.

I called her about 2 weeks later. She had moved out and was staying with a friend. We agreed to get together and go see a movie or something later in the week. She called me a couple of days later and -- long story short -- she didn't have a place to stay and had again been beaten by bf. I let her stay over again, and, while there was some kissing, nothing further or really serious happened.

I have since received some minorly threatening/hostile phone calls from the POS bf. The woman called me this evening and told me that she has gone back to him and apologized about the calls I have received. I am supposed to meet her for coffee tomorrow to have a talk.

Is there anything I can do to help this woman? I don't want to pursue any sort of romantic entanglement with her; this obviously isn't the time or place. But I have no experience with this sort of situation at all. I come very a very happy and normal family, and most of my friends are very stable. They have, in fact, told me I should stay as far away as possible. However, I can't help but feel that I should try to help in some way, shape or form. Having spoken to this guy, I feel that she is walking into imminent danger. Is there any way to help her? Is it worth it?

Help me, DU. I need advice.

[madeline_con]

1. Don't assume she'll be alone...

when you go to meet her.

Abusive jerks have been known to force the woman to meet the "other guy", so they can beat him up, too.

It discourages further "foolishness" on her part, and makes him feel all manly. Take a friend who canat least sit nearby, or call and change the location last minute.

[Redstone]

5. You and I have disagreed in the past, but I have to say

that you are offering excellent advice here.

Been there, haven't you? You have my respect.

Redstone

[madeline_con]

14. Hi, Redstone...

Yep, been there, done that.

My mother said something to me years ago during a phone call about how horrible life was with my ex. She said I'd take it as long as I wanted to. I thought it terribly cruel and insenstitive at the time, but I eventually left when I'd had enough.

I'm sure some women are in mortal danger. IMO, they have to be willing to kill to get out. And know where to hide the body. ;)

[Tyrone Slothrop]

6. Was already planning on doing so

I'm not super concerned about that (the time I spoke to the guy I got the impression that he does this to her so he can feel "manly" but wouldn't have the stones to actually try anything against a man), but I'm not taking any chances.

Thanks for the help.

[BiggJawn]

2. Save yourself.

She knows she's "walking into danger". It doesn't make any sense, but she somehow thinks she "deserves" it.

In the short time you've known her, she's left her abuser twice and gone back to him. TWICE.
Now the guy knows who you are and how to reach you.

Not Good.

Forget about her, or get ready for your life to become an episode of "The Jerry Springer Show" (the TV one, NOT the AAR one)

[Tyrone Slothrop]

8. I've already decided that this is my last contact with her

I was just wondering if there was anything I could say that would convince to seek some actual, real (legal) help.

Thanks for the advice.

[BiggJawn]

11. Good for you and no, you can't.

"When the Student is Ready, the Guru Appears..."

Don't quite think you're the Guru, Tyrone....
Not this time, anyway.

All we can do is hope she realizes there's a better way before she get hurt too badly...

[ladjf]

3. The woman has problems. But, you are not going to be able to

solve them. The real issue here is your own safety. The boy friend is a known violent person and he knows your phone number and most likely your address. To put it succinctly, YOU ARE IN DANGER RIGHT NOW! You need to get out of this immediately. The ladies history would likely turn up several "saviors" like you.

[Tyrone Slothrop]

9. Not too concerned about that

I have some protection at home and am actually moving this weekend so there won't really be any way for him to find me.

And, as I mentioned above, I think this guy probably takes his aggression out on her as she's a woman and not a strapping young fellow like myself who wouldn't stand for it for a moment.

[nosmokes]

4. here's the deal - you're both in danger.

to what extent i can't tell ya, but the violence against her is almost certain to rise because of the involvement of a third party (and don't worry, you were being a good guy), but a lot depends on how unstable this dude is? as for her, unless she's willing to actually do something to help herself, - move out, get restraining orders, cut all contact w/asshole and get some counseling, the best thing you can do is be a friend. help her with her self- esteem but that doesn't mean you need to be jumping her bones. but this dude you're dealing with is violent, so be careful.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

7. It's harsh of me to say this but LOSE THE

KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR RIDING TO THE RESCUE complex.

That woman's head is messed up in ways you can't begin to imagine, and you do not have the training to "cure" her. In fact, trying to "cure" or "save" her is the worst thing you can do, because part of her problem is that she believes that she's "no good alone." By "rescuing" her, you only reinforce her belief that she "needs" a man to take charge of her.

Put as much distance as you can between you and her and her brute of a boyfriend.

[henslee]

12. Insigtful analysis.

[Tyrone Slothrop]

13. Good advice.

As I say, I've never even met anyone in this sort of position before.

I've already decided I should probably cut ties with her; it just kind of sucks to watch someone walk back into a situation like that.

[woo me with science]

23. strongly agree. nt

[henslee]

10. I been there, and she was the coolest, craziest, sexiest , sweetest...

but it was a disaster. My advice, be her friend --- do not get involved no matter how hard it is to avoid it. What will end up happening is you as an impediment to these two dysfunctional people will suddenly make their relationship all intense and full of drama. Do not feed into it. Let them be miserable together and when she is ready to get help she will get it. And when she is ready to see you, you two will hook up. Trust me, I wasted a long time hooking up and breaking up with someone who was abused. It was emotionally charged but a disaster.

[barb162]

15. If you definitely intend to meet her, you are of course going to

make sure it's crowded, day time and all that, right? Second, give this poor woman the contact name/ address of a closeby battered woman's shelter. If you can't get the address or name,which is fairly common, call the county or city service nearest you and give the phone number to her where battered women can get help fast. Then you should probably change your phone number as the next time she leaves this guy he may try to trace you.

[Tyrone Slothrop]

16. Done and done.

Had already thought of those things.

The number he has is a cell so it would be difficult to trace, and I'm moving this weekend anyway (unrelated) so I'd be even harder to actually find.

NYC's fairly big after all...

[barb162]

21. good I am glad to hear that. My girlfriend

was leaving a friend who was violent and I told her she could stay at my house. Somehow he traced her to my house and nearly broke my door down. How he traced her I still have no idea to this day. I wish I had told her to park her car in the garage but we were both sure he had no idea where I lived. Before he rang the bell, he spotted her car and pulled the battery out. She lived miles from me! When some guys get crazy, they GET CRAZY. This was in the days before the internet and looking things up in a snap

[rateyes]

17. I know you want to help...

but, unless you are TRAINED, which it doesn't sound like you are...you can't help other than, if she contacts you, to give her the number of a battered woman's shelter, or trained professional who has experience dealing with this. If it was me, that's as far as I would go with it--and I WOULD NOT meet with her and this guy alone---if you need to, call a counselor yourself and get their advice. THIS IS SERIOUS business, and you DO NOT want to get involved in any legal issues. This woman is vulnerable--do not play on those vulnerabilities. All of this is my opinion and advice.

[Bluerthanblue]

18. i was where she is

but i was married, for 15 yrs.- and i would walk all night stores with my kids rather than be at home when my ex was there.

As much as i admire you for your caring, she has to either hit bottom, or get hurt enough to require hospitalization, avoiding death. While there seems to be a part of her that desires to be 'saved'- there is, i think (if she's anything like me) an even more deep-rooted and controling part of her that chooses to be hurt, rather than be loved.
Does your state have domestic violence statute where the police press charges even if the injured party wont? That is what eventually led my ex to prison, and that was not with me, but the woman who took my place, after i ended up in the hospital for 2wks, and over a month of rehab, while living with friends, who nursed me back to health, and helped me care for my kids.-

You may want to call your local DV shelter, and talk with them. They will know the laws, and you will have a place to 'steer' her if she looks to you for help. The really GREAT thing about them is that they can help her with out her abuser knowing where she is. They are very good at what they do. I agree with others who say be wary.- it is a testimony to your kind heart that you want to help, but sometimes helping is telling someone "you have to make the choice for yourself" and NOT put yourself in the middle. Most abusive relationships DON'T 'get better'- And enabling her, is, ....geez i hate saying this, but enabling her to continue on, is helping her stay in a 'bad place'.

Please do call a shelter near you- i do believe they will be of help- and you will know a place to encourage her to go to. There is NO shame in what is happening to her. But she will likely end up dead if she's not careful. And it's gonna take a long time for her to figure out why she doesn't think she deserves anything better.-

i wish you the best.

blu

[rateyes]

19. Being a man, and not an abusive one..

but, someone who has dealt with this situation before, I know that the most dangerous time for an abused woman is between the time she has decided to leave, and when she does leave. What's worse is when there are children involved. God, I hope she gets the hell away from him. But, agree that the OP should NOT get involved in this, other than, if she contacts him, for him to give her the number of a place where she can get TRAINED HELP, and hopefully AWAY from the bastard where he can't follow. She is in "hole" she hasn't figured how to climb out of---even blames herself for "making him mad." I feel sorry for her---but, she has to decide, no one can decide for her, IMHO.

[Jamastiene]

20. You need to talk to her first about committing to leaving the sob/pos bf.

That should be the first step. Also, make sure she never tells him where you live and you don't either. That will create a safe haven for her. She needs to call the police every time he hits her and she needs to go through with filing a restraining order. Your best bet is to play the supportive role like you already are doing, it seems. I commend you for caring and for being against abuse to women, but please make sure you cover your bases and provide the safe haven for her if you have already made the decision you are going to be involved. It may save your life too. If he threatens you again, call the police and fill them in. Even the crappy little town where I live has a safe house and a decent domestic abuse plan (on the police end of things.)

Please stay safe and make sure you tell her to never tell him where you live. She's already somehow let him get your phone number. Let's hope you can talk to her in time to make it clear that she is not to give away the location of your home too. A phone call is bad enough, but you definitely want to stay safe at home. Those types of people will stop at nothing to cause problems. Please stay safe.

[DarkmoonIkonoklast]

22. It's pretty much all been said...

No one can help anyone who isn't ready to do the work.

No one can rescue anyone.

Some women LIKE being "the damsel in distress".

Some women are "drama queens".

If you insist on playing knight-errant, prepare for pain and (possibly) disappointment.

Make sure your insurance -- life, fire, car, etc. -- is fully paid.

Been there, done that, burned the T-shirt 'cause it irritated the scars.

God(dess) bless and good luck! :yourock:

[noonwitch]

24. Stay detached emotionally and romantically from the situation

Both parties play a role in a domestic violence situation. If you get romantically involved, you are then a part of it. The woman may be a victim, but if she isn't calling the police and/or asking for help from a program like the YWCA or something, than she's not looking to get out, she's looking for a way to make him jealous and provoke a reaction. If the relationship between them is a long-term one, they're hooked on each other and will continue to play games until one of them dies or gets smart. Don't start thinking of yourself as her rescuer, ever. You will set yourself up for some serious disappointment later, when you realize she was just playing you.


If she has contacted the police and obtained a PPO, and you are interested in pursuing a friendship or more with her, give it some time and take it slowly.

I've been observing these relationships for years as a children's service worker (18 1/2 years).