How do you get along with your in laws (need support)

[soleft]

Does your SO have screwed up relations? Do you avoid having to spend anytime with them, or do you grin and bear it for your partner's sake?

What do you do at the holidays? If your partner wants to see their family and you hate them, do you let your partner go alone and go off and do your own plans?

I was in a LTR for about fifteen years with someone, and each year we'd do Thanksgiving one place and Xmas at the other. THen the next year we'd switch back. Neither family was too hellish, in fact there were laughs and many good times.

In my new relationship, which is almost a year old, if my SO never saw may family again it would be fine with her. Mostly cause my parents are now very old and frankly just not that much fun to be around. I'm wondering how many holidays I have left with them, so I guess it's important to make an appearance on Thanksgiving and somehow figure out when and how to see them at Xmas. My SO says fine, go ahead, but wants to go off and do her own thing.

Please share your stories, it will make me feel better.

[ScreamingMeemie]

1. This is by far the worst part of my holidays. My husband is the

product of a very screwed up family. Father was an alcoholic. Mother left kids with father when he was 12. I have a sister in law who is a habitual (freeper) liar. My mother in law lays guilt trips on my husband all the time. What do I do? I grin and bear it. This year, thanksgiving is at my house so I'll at least be in my comfort zone. I hate it when we go there....but I do go.

My parents, well they are nuts too...only slightly less so, because, well, because their MY parents. ;)

Maybe Thanksgiving night we can all post our tales of horror.

Hugs to you.:pals:

[bleedingheart]

2. My husband's family is tolerable...by the time we leave

we are ready to go.

My FIL is anti social. My husband's step mom is an off again...on again born again christian...so I never know what version of her we will run into...

My MIL is the "you can't be too rich or too thin type"...her husband is an obnoxious drunk who likes to call me fat....

But it isn't a good idea to stand between a spouse and their family ...no matter how dysfunctional.

[Alenne]

3. I grin and bear it.

I hate going to my inlaws house for anything. My husband's mother usually makes him upset and we end up leaving early. It is not fun spending time with religious fanatics who are mad because you don't go to church. This year I have decided to stay home for Thanksgiving if my family is not having dinner.

[neverforget]

4. I have a great relationship with my in-laws but I certainly can see

how in-law relationships can be.....trying.

[bratcatinok]

5. Your SO

doesn't want to share the last years you'll have with your parents?

Hmmm, I've been married 3 times and have gotten along well with all of my in-laws. When there was a conflict between who to see when and where, we both bent over backwards to accomodate each other because family is important. We didn't go off and do our separate thing.

When I'm involved in a relationship with an SO I feel as if I'm part of a team. There are always going to be some things I don't particularly want to do or enjoy doing but will do because it's part of supporting my team mate.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make you feel better but I wanted to share how important I think the team concept is in a relationship.

[Maddy McCall]

6. I could write the book on crazy inlaws...

I won't go on but to say that it is a losing battle, one that I will never FIGHT again.

[populistmom]

7. My in-laws are dead

So therefore, I get along with them beautifully. We have a splendid stress-free relationship.
As for my parents, they're loony enough that I avoid them as much as possible and minimally subject my husband to the torture that they are. However, lately, they like to show up unannounced on holidays. Fun, huh?

[E_Zapata]

8. Well, not to be too offensive.....

but, gosh, there are a lot of people who don't have any place at all to go for holidays. Nada. Zilch.

And I agree with the poster above -- it doesn't bode well that your SO doesn't want to bother with your aging 'boring' parents. Not well at all. It is a team thing. You go to the weddings, funerals, holidays with your mate.

I don't think you should guilt trip your SO, but I would definitely take note of the separate attitude. There are two types of relationships, I think: the WE and the I.

The WE seems to be prevalent amongst couples who really stick together. "We aren't sure what WE are doing on Saturday." "I will have to check with X to see what WE have planned on that day."

The I type of relationship is, as you can guess: "Gee, I am free that day, but I will see what X is doing and see if she can come too."

It's a mindset........are you hearing WE much at all from this SO? And I think it is laudable that you refer to this person as your SO after less than a year....... Does she refer to you as that? or are you her "boyfriend" or "the guy she is dating"

[TrogL]

9. My mother hates...

my SO's guts - doesn't matter which SO.

My partners' families think I'm wierd.

[scarlet_owl]

10. I adore my mother-in-law and she adores me.

So much so, that she is moving in with us and I can't wait! My husband and I go out to dinner with her one night before holidays and then we have my mother and sister over on the actual day of the holiday. On Christmas Eve, we go to my father's. Got all that?

[Gingersnap]

11. I don't get along with my in-laws

and I've been known to "do my own thing" on holidays, particularly early in our marriage (been married 10 years). But when I did I always went home to MY parents, who live farther away and I don't see as often as my inlaws. And my (unbeknowst to the ILs) reason was that my inlaws openly insulted me to my face, called me trailer trash, etc.. My SO didn't feel comfortable standing up to them (though he did agree that their behavior was awful and would have avoided them himself if he could have), so it was awkward. We get along better now, alcohol helps a lot at those family gatherings.

Anyway, I would say if the reason is simply because she thinks your family is old and boring, I'd be wondering if this was a sign that she doesn't see this as a LTR. I would be willing to put up with boring for my SO (and do when we visit his elderly aunts and uncles). If they are rude or disapproving of her, then i think she is right to not want to inflict that on herself and you should respect her decision. She may be making her own plans so you don't feel torn between your parents and her.

Good luck

[rbnyc]

12. Well, Cliff's family is great and crazy.

You met a bunch of them at my birthday party. I love them and there are lots of great things about them, but they are nuts. They drive Cliff nuts. And holidays aren't always loads of fun.

They are big on the whole family getting together for every possible occasion.

Often, I have to work. Sometimes I can't get out of it. Sometimes I could get out of it, but I don't. And sometimes I purposely sign up for a holiday shift so that I won't have to go with Cliff to Long Island.

I know that everyone misses me, and they wish I'd make more time for them. I also know that it's sometimes easier for my husband to be around his family when I'm there too. But, I just can't do the family thing every holiday. I'm essentially too anti-social for that. I don't know how to help in the kitchen. I can't sit around a table for that long. I have to check my email or take a nap.

It's something that everyone has grown to accept. It's something that I ask of them. I need to be excused from 65% of family occasions or I can't be in the relationship.

I'm lucky that they all accepted my terms.

I don't see how that will make you feel better tho. Maybe you should talk to Cliff.

:hi:

[soleft]

13. Thanks everybody

It's great to hear people reflecting my feelings, like, we're in this together, it's a team thing, you put up with my annoying family, I'll put up with yours, and it's great to hear what sounds like my SO's point of view, like Rene's and Gingersnap.

The thing is, my SO is estranged from her family, so there is no quid pro quo. I can never return the favor. I can put up with my family better because I have memories of better times, I know what they were like when they were lively and festive. All she knows is what they're like now. And not just my parents, anyone who's ever my sister is profoundly amazed at how angry and negative she can be. But she also cracks me up. I just never have a black and white opinion about people, it's all gray, and I always try to see the good.

I don't doubt that my girlfriend she loves me, and this does not mean she loves me less. She has her limitations like everyone.

I guess I have an idealized picture of what I wish the holidays were like - or would be like when I met the right person. Now I've met the right person, and the holidays are still going to suck.

But you all did make me feel better by responding. Thanks.

[rbnyc]

15. Glad to hear it.

Interesting that she's estranged from her family. Growing up, my family relationships were difficult. And now I live far away from everyone.

Anyway, I'm glad to hear that our posts helped you to feel better about things.

[Heddi]

16. There's no perfect relationship

parent-child, sig-other-sig-other, etc.

I know my family drives my husband up the wall. they're weird and drama-ish, but he knew when he married me that he was going to be 'stuck' with them for as long as we are together.

Now my family isn't horrible at all. They're normal people, but with the quirks that everyone has. Same with his family.

We love each other and our respective families dearly, and I realize I see my MIL differently than my husband sees her, since he's known her his whole life, and I've only known her for 6 years.

Equally, my husband views my mother differently than I view her, seeing as i'm her child and he's not.

The thing is compromise.

Is it THAT intolerable for your partner to spend the holidays with your family? Are they abusive? Crude? Mentally Unstable?

Everyone has their limitations--this is true---but relationships require compromises--sometimes doing things you'd rather not do just for the sake of the other person in the relationship.

She should understand how HAPPY it would make *YOU* for her, and you, and your family to be together for the holidays. I'm sure it's not torture for her. Perhaps she'd rather be around other people, or doing other things....but sometimes we have to sacrifice for the ones we love.

Again, as long as your family isn't abusive towards her (or each other), or just plain mean, or alcoholics, or whatever, then she really should just suck it up for the day or three that you're going to spend with your family. They are *YOUR* family, and you're right---how many more Christmases and Thanksgivings do you have with them?

I fear that should you not deal with this issue now, it will become an issue of resentment and hurt later down the road for you.

[soleft]

22. you pretty much sum up how I feel Heddi

The things is, I think the fact that she she is estranged from her family has so much to do with this. My family is not abusive, intentionally mean or alcoholic, but they are highly dysfunctional, and that brings up feelings about her own family.

But you're right, I have to deal with this now or it will turn ugly down the road. Have to figure out a way to reach a compromise. Thanks.

[leftofthedial]

14. three phases

first 10 years, she loved my family and her family hated me.

second 10 years, she hated my family and her family really liked me

now, working on the third 10 years and everyone just sort of gets along.

I think a combination of being true to myself, being respectful, and being patient helped.

Planning business trips to coincide with their visits also helped. Plus, I'm a musician, so I played as many gigs as possible when they were around--even when I had to play for free (which I have done only sparingly in my career).

[Skittles]

17. they are just so f***ing boring

I can feel my hair growing while listening to their boring stories. I dread going to see them and will find any excuse to avoid it.

As for the holidays, I have no problem spending them alone; none at all.

[populistmom]

18. Do you ever find that sometimes.....?

You just....










want to kick their asses? :spank:

[Skittles]

34. always

just to liven things up a bit. I'm constantly having to stifle yawns. These people make an hour long story out of going shopping at Central Market. It occurs to me I'd rather do ANYTHING else - including sleep, watch TV, read - than put up with phony holiday rituals.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

19. If I had known what my husband's parents and ex-wife would do

to see to it that they made my life as hellish as possible, and that he wasn't the sort of man to stand up for me to them; I'd never have married him.

But I did, and I couldn't see any point in giving them the satisfaction of watching me leave. My mother-in-law died 6 years ago; and I don't miss her one iota. My Father-in-Law moved to Florida, and we rarely hear from him.

[Tashi]

20. Faraway

I get on fine with mine they live on the other side of the world!

[GoddessOfGuinness]

21. Welcome to DU, Tashi!

Wow! I never met someone with one post before! :-)

[Meshuga]

23. My mother in law is very sweet...

I'm so lucky! My wife had some hard times with my mother though... :-)

[thom1102]

24. I get along very well with my pseudo inlaws...

They think I am great, and I like them a lot, too, but they drive me crazy sometimes as well. I feel sorry for my partner though, because my family is crazy. All of them. Just certifiably nuts. Every year, I have Thanksgiving at our house and both families get together and we usually have a great time. Christmas is a compromise. Jeff's family has a get together on Christmas Eve and my family has dinner on Christmas Day, so that works out nicely. (Unfortunately my family lives 2 hours away). My Aunt has christmas at her house every year, a tradition that reaches back to when she lived with her boyfriend (an excellent cook and party host) . After he left, she decided to continue the tradition, but is useless in the kitchen, so usually I end up doing most of the cooking, while everyone else puts up the decorations that she has neglected to put up.

[The Backlash Cometh]

25. I would rather subject myself to an enema than to spend

another holiday season with my in-laws. They are Republicans to the core -- but only since the 90s. They were raised on Long Island, enjoyed the Liberal years in college, but got jobs in the military-industrial complex, overseas oil company or New York stock world. They experienced down-sizing when we hit the rough times in the 80s and they blamed Affirmative Action. They raised their children in Christian private schools became progressively conservative and critical of others.

They're always right and don't respect other people's experiences. Their experiences are the only ones that count. The in-laws of the in-laws are worse. Stoopider right-wing conservatives who make comments like, "I can't believe Anita Hill had the audacity to sue Clarence Thomas on a ten-year old sexual harrasment case. What an opportunist those Liberals are." (Actually, that's paraphrased. He wouldn't know what the word "audacity" means.) My response to his comments, "I think you're confusing a congressional judicial hearing with a civil lawsuit."

And Thanksgiving is two weeks away. I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go!

[av8rdave]

26. I've been lucky (more or less)

Both sets of in-laws I've had have treated me well, though the fact I got along better with my ex's parents than she did caused some real friction!

av8rdave

[REP]

27. My In Laws Are Awful

My SO can barely stand to be around his parents, and they are awful. They're not awful in a flashy way - just nasty, common and dull. Whn he does see them, I go along - for his sake. Fortunately, he doesn't see them often.

He, on the other hand, really likes my family; he calls my Mom all the time just to chat.

I would suggest a compromise - maybe go to a restaurant with your folks and SO (which is less work, and puts everyone in a neutral arena, plus is fun) and if you want to go back to their place afterward, she can go do her thing. If you can plan an event (like dinner, movie, wrapping presents, whatever) instead of an undefined thing (like spending the evening at their place), something that is obvious when it is finished, your SO may feel more comfortable.

Without knowing any of you, it might be that the whole holiday thing is too stresful for her, and a structured event with a definite beginning and more important, a definite end, might be just the ticket, especially of she understands thats being with her *and* your parents for at least one holiday event is important to you. If it is important to you, tell her why. Maybe her reluctance can be dealt with, or maybe she can explain why she can't and you'll both feel better.

Good luck!

[Plaid Adder]

28. One year is too early to be doing the holidays together, IMHO

I'm lucky in that I get along great with my in-laws, although my own parents are not that welcoming to my partner (much better than they used to be, however). But we didn't do the holidays together for the first 5 years or so, and I figure if your SO really can't stand your family, you might want to wait and see how long she'll be around before you push the issue. Especially if your parents are old. You don't want to end up regretting the time you could have had with them after they've died, and your SO doesn't want the resentment you would have toward her over that.

So, I would say go see your family as much as you want to, but don't make her come if it's just going to be misery for everyone.

Working out the family/partner thing is always difficult, but if you're only in Year One I would say you've got other issues wyou can tackle before you have to deal with this one.

C ya,

The Plaid Adder

[YellowRubberDuckie]

29. Well, my pseudo in laws are great people...

But I have to say, my bf's dad is more great, and his mom is just bossy and over bearing with is dad. I hate that. And she's really opinionated, and if your opinion is different she doesn't want to hear it. Luckily they're pretty liberal. But she favors his brother in a lot of ways, and I know for a fact that when we have kids, she's going to hate it.
Duckie

[CO Liberal]

30. I Get Along GREAT With My In-Laws

In fact, about 6 months after my wife and I moved to Pueblo CO, they moved here, too. They live about 12 miles from us, and they're my substitute parents, being as mine are both gone now.

[RebelOne]

31. My ex-in-laws are dead and so is my ex-husband.

But even after my divorce, I was on good terms with them. My mother-in-law still considered me her daughter-in-law.

[skippysmom]

32. In laws suck

My in laws drive me insane. They have a very different relationship with my husband than I have with my parents. Namely, my parents respect me and treat me like an adult, while his parents treat both of us like we're 10 -- even though we're 30-something professionals who own our own home.

His mother is controlling and awful and throws fits like a child. During a recent visit to his home (a good 4 hours away -- thank God!) she pouted and sulked like a child when we told her we were leaving early the next day to get home for our cats instead of having lunch with her.

Plus father in law (gun nut) and grandmother in law (fundie) are both wicked conservative. When we try to discuss politics -- which we manage to go without raising voices -- mother in law screeches at the top of her lungs for us to shut up.

My best advice: liquor. At a recent gathering I split a bottle of wine with my brother in law and I found them much better to deal with after a nice Chianti!

[northzax]

33. you should really try the double divorce sometime

between my parents and her parents, there aren't enough holidays to go round. in order to keep the peace we end up doling out things like memorial day and the 4th, which leaves less time for us.

[soleft]

35. Update - good news

It looks like we'll work things out. Just got this email from my great girlfriend.

"I want to thank you, though, for sharing the perspective that you see our future full of festive holidays at xxxxxx, but that you don't see many more opportunities for holidays with your parents. I wasn't looking at it that way. I'm still open to possibly going with you to xxxxxx on Thanksgiving. Let's just wait and see what happens."

I feel very lucky. And again, grateful to all of you.

:grouphug:

[RobinA]

36. Call Me Strange

I never get why people are so dead set on inflicting their strange families on their SO. And vice versa. I'd just as soon enjoy my family without having to worry about how my SO is dealing with their quirks if it drives him nuts. And the family would just as soon enjoy their loony ways without worrying about some outsider who doesn't approve hanging around like a wet blanket. And the same goes for weddings, funerals, etc. I like a "I won't drag you to mine, you don't drag me to yours" policy.

And I'd just as soon let him have fun with his weird family without me having to grin and bear it. What's with this obligatory "we're just one big, happy family" nonsense, anyway? If families and SOs get along, GREAT. If not...life's too damn short.

On the other hand, I do NOT subscribe to the "I hate your family, you can't spend time with them" school that I often see practiced.

[MadHound]

37. Subtly intimidate them

My father in law is veerrryyy freeperish right wing. Loves guns, lots of them. One day, about a year after I met him, the subject got around to guns. I piped up that I thought that guns were a chickenshit way to confront somebody. I mean after all, any fool can pick up a gun and shoot somebody, but it takes strength, skill and finesse to kill somebody up close, with either knife, sword or barehands. Besides, I added, it is more soul satisfying to kill somebody up close, to feel their life draining away through your fingers.

Well, that little performance shut up the whole room, with big eyes all around. Subject was quickly changed, and we've never discussed the gun issue since. And now I get along fine with my in-laws. They know that I love their daughter, and I think they're a little scared of me.