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What's going on every one out there? I know this is going to be quite a rant, and I don't expect a lot of you to read all of it, but thank you for your time if you do.
Not to take anything at all away from all the Hurricane victims, but this has been just two incredibly difficult months for me. As some of y'all might remember, about two months ago, my fiancee broke up with me. Unfortunately, since we are under lease until the end of the year, I've still got to live with her for the next four months. It will certainly not be easy. Making it even less easy is the fact that I learned she had cheated on me (which apparently prompted the "sudden" break up) with a guy across the friggin country. The low point really came on Sunday, when I stumbled across a picture of them kissing and a couple of emails they'd sent back and forth. It pretty well devastated me, especially since all of my friends were gone for the weekend and I had WAY too much time on my hands. I know it's sort of cliche to say it, but she really is the last person I expected to ever cheat on me. Not all that long ago, back in December, she started sobbing uncontrollably, apologizing to me that she'd ever been with ANYONE before me. Even in February, she was looking at wedding dresses and pretending that she was already my wife. Then, later that month, her friend came into town to visit for a few days with her new boyfriend and they stayed at my place. Yeah, she not only cheated on me, she stole her friend's boyfriend too. She said they were just friends as they kept in touch past that weekend. And I certainly don't think it was the wrong decision on my part to let her have a friend - after all, I do not want to be that jealous, controlling type of guy.
Here's the unbiased description of the guy too: in his mid thirties, lives with his mom and dad, still hasn't finished culinary school because he keeps screwing up, spent time in jail for DUI, used to be on heroin, and is being sued for not paying medical bills. And those are just facts - I won't even touch on personality or looks, because I realize I AM quite biased. Compare that with me, a clean cut, college grad on a solid career path that treated her like absolute royalty and provided her with by far the most loving and stable environment she's ever known.
Truth be told, that part actually does make perfect sense to me. She'd always told me that the other guys she'd dated she was always trying to help. But with me, I never needed saving. I also think part of her felt extremely guilty about that, because she does need saving, in a big way. I will always mourn for her, because no one needs to deal with what she's been through, having been molested as a child and raped as an adult (and that's just the tip of the iceberg). She has frequent panic attacks and constantly freaks out about having diseases or being pregnant. Of course, she kept a lot of that to herself until I'd already fallen in love with her. In fact, one of the things I did love about her was that she seemed so mature and stable. The truth is she is neither. As much as I did, and still do love her, I did quietly have my doubts that she would not be able to stable enough to raise kids or even stay married in the long run. But there was no way I could just walk away from her. Being a man of my word, I meant it when I said I would always be there for her. Of course, that matters little now, as there's no way in hell I could ever trust her again with my heart. I will remain her friend and stand by her when she needs help (except, of course, when it comes to that guy. No fucking way I'm helping her through that.) I am, after all, the only person she can actually rely on. She knows her family and friends consistantly lead her down the wrong path, either out of selfishness or merely being fucked up themselves. And yes, it bothers me immensely that she could do what she has to the best person she knows. I know it bothers her too. I don't think she knows how or why it happened. I don't really either, except a truly perfect storm all shaped together at once (February was a rather difficult month all around). I think more factors played into this than either of us imagine. Again, not that it really matters. The bottom line is the same.
So, here I am now. I've gotta live with her until the end of the year, and there's no way around that. There are going to be ups and downs, just as my emotional status sways back and forth between being okay with things, to being extremely angry, to missing her immensely. I am a strong man, and though this may yet be the end of me, I most certainly will not go quietly. I am still looking for a new job, and I hope to be in one by the end of the year. I'm going to keep myself busy with my friends, getting out as much as possible. Now that I've sold my car, I'll have money to actually enjoy myself, and I intend to with reckless abandon. Though I can't go on a healthy three month bender like I would've a few years ago, I can do my best to simulate that while still being "career responsible". I'm going to start attending the Unitarian Universalist Church this Sunday. It's something I'd been wanting to do for a while, as I've always been intrigued by studying different religions, and I think it'll be really good for me to meet a group of like minded people, hopefully some of whom will be my own age (which is important, since my current job I work with only three 65+ year old guys, and I'm 25). Though I am not ready to actively start dating again, and being that my living status does impede on my ability to start a new relationship, I am going to keep an open mind to possibilities without being very aggressive.
Thanks for listening. I really needed to get a lot out. Please wish me well and help provide me a little strength, because no matter what kind of outlook or stance I take, the next four months do figure to be extremely difficult for me. Thanks!
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