What Are Your Thoughts On "Friends With Benefits" ?

[THUNDER HANDS]

You know, someone of the opposite (or same) sex who you're not dating. Not in a relationship with. But you hang out with and have sex with sometimes.

You know the two of you are never going to be a couple, but you enjoy the sex and eachother's company for the short period of time you're together.

So what's the verdict?

[wryter2000]

1. I've heard it privileges, not benefits

Haven't done it for years because I'm married, but it's much, much, much better than some other things you can do to get satisfaction.

[Lady Freedom]

32. That how I have aways said it!

And Its cool!

[VelmaD]

2. This is a tricky one...

and frankly the best sex poll you've posted.

I can only speak from personal experience. I have done the "friends with benefits thing" and there were times when it was fun but it's really difficult to do it without someone getting too emotionally involved and getting their feelings hurt. It's a really easy way to ruin a good friendship if you aren't careful. I'm not saying not to do it - like I said, I've had fun with it myself. I'm just saying that it usually doesn't work out the way you expect it to.

[mac56]

4. When I've tried it -

it's not been successful. Someone (usually me) got more emotionally involved than the other person did. "It usually doesn't work out the way you expect it to" is an accurate description.

But if two friends can make it work, mad props to you.

[sangh0]

13. "I've had fun with it myself"?????

Doesn't having fun with it "yourself" defeat the whole purpose? :-)

[GOPisEvil]

3. As long as each person is totally honest with the other, it's fine by me.

It's not necessarily *my* thing, but who am I to tell someone else how to live their lives?

[THUNDER HANDS]

5. you can tell me

I'd listen to your advice. :)

[GOPisEvil]

11. Advice is one thing.

But I would never tell you that you had to follow my advice. There's a difference. I appreciate that you value my humble opinion though. :-)

[4_Legs_Good]

6. Seems like it would be really cool...

though I've never been in the situation. It also seems like it would be very difficult, and I know I would most probably get emotionally attached pretty quickly. It would also be very easy to get jealous if it's in your nature.

Still, sounds good if it works!

david

[bicentennial_baby]

7. Had one, great experience

My best friend Christopher and I used to get it on occasionally when I lived in Pgh. No problems, went back to being great friends only after I moved back home. If done correctly and maturely, it's do-able. No pun intended. :-)

[blueraven95]

8. Friends with Benefits

I find that it works best when the friends live far away from each other. Then you can have fun occasionally, but you don't have the day to day contact which can easily turn sour. I mean, if you don't see the other person all the time, then you are less likely to develop feelings, and can just have a good time without any pressure. At least that's how its worked for me.

[RetroLounge]

9. I see no problem, unless one gets more involved

than the other.

I had a friend, and we would call each other up dometimes after bar time, and if she was a lone, and I was alone, and one of us was sober enough to drive, we hooked up.

and sometimes if I was "busy" I would hook her up with my roommate.

She was fun, beautiful, and a good singer too!

[Mike F]

10. It's nice if...

...you don't have a steady S.O. You don't have the same emotional satisfaction as you would being with someone in a committed relationship.

But if you're solo and feeling a bit randy, it can be quite nice. I did it a few times in my single days, but I would never trade that for what I now have with my wife.

[MojoKrunch]

12. How many people here have had that situation actually work?

MTV has an episode of something like "real life" showing a pair of early 20 somethings trying to make this work... too painfully inept for words.

I've never even tried it.
Even though I've always had more female friends than male friends, I've made it a point, for myself at least, to be quite clear where the line is drawn.

IMO, you have to be pretty emotionally mature to handle this... without treating the other person like a piece of meat, of course.

Mojo

[sangh0]

16. That's why IMO it's a bad idea

In concept, it's truly a Great Idea. Unfortunately, reality is a real deal-breaker. In the end, someone's gonna be sleeping in the wet spot, and you can be sure they're not doing it for "a friend"

[blueraven95]

17. I have...

see above :7

but only once...and I don't know if it could ever happen again with someone else. The temperments of the two people have to be just right.

Oh god, this posting makes me sound like a whore. I'm not, really.

[bicentennial_baby]

23. I have

See post above

[freestyle]

14. Nice work if you can get it

If both people are clear and honest, and honest enough to stop if the attachment gets too strong, it can work great. A complication can be a partner later who doesn't quite trust that the friendship continues without the benefits. But, that is a whole other issue. Be honest, play safe, and don't hurt anyone.

[Touchdown]

15. Is that anything like "Escort with perks"?

Whatever floats one's boat is fine with me. For me personally, it's something I just don't do. I don't think I've ever sat down and made this rule up for myself, it just worked out that way with my friends.

See, I'm a master at choosing friends, and a complete imbecile when choosing my lovers. My friends are more important to me than satisfying the curiosity of having a quick roll in the hay with them. Maybe I fear that the relationship would change, or be somehow damaged if I would let that happen. I certainly have been attracted to a few of my friends, but almost never to the point that I felt compelled to explore sex with them.

[Sting]

18. I'm all for it!

Heck, as long as both people know what they're getting into, it's all good. (I've never done it personally-FWB.)

Sting

[ET Awful]

19. Fine by me . . .

I just wish I could find a nice lady "friend" :)

[youngred]

20. It's good in certain situations

not something I pursue generally since I'm a relationship type guy but I dont think its bad

[LynneSin]

21. It always ends up bad

Especially if one of the friends starts dating another person.

We can only fool ourselves so much and then you have to deal with the situation. But then again, maybe I'm just getting older and slightly jagged around the edges :shrug:

[MercutioATC]

22. Good thing as long as you're both on the same page.

BAD thing if you're not.

[Kat45]

24. I've had it many times, and I love it, but there are variables.

Of course it depends on the two individuals and the nature of their friendship. Unfortunately, I often end up wanting more, but as I've gotten older I've gotten good at keeping it to myself and just enjoying the great sex and good company. It's just that when I meet a man who I'm attracted to and also like a lot as a person, he's just the kind of guy I'd like to get involved with. But it doesn't seem to work that way for guys; if any of you guys can tell me why that is the case, I'd really like to know.

I had one very close friendship--there's a strong "connection" involved here--and I always thought that some day we'd be together, that perhaps we were meant to be. We started the "friends with privileges" thing, and then at some point I found out that he had no interest in me romantically at all. But you know what? Even when all that came out, our friendship was strong enough that it survives--as do the privileges. :-)

[Nikia]

25. People get hurt

The one time that I had sex with a friend in college (well actually twice with this guy) I got very hurt. I wasn't even very attracted to him before we had sex. After we did., I became very attracted to him. He was seeing someone else and eventually quit seeing me altogether, as a friend, because he thought that I was too attatched to him and that it was obvious.
Personally, I feel a bonding feeling when I orgasm with someone. I suppose that I could avoid feeling this too much if I were with a total stranger. When you are friends with someone though, you already like each other and have some kind of emotional bond. I think that this combination can be deadly. When you do most things that couples do, I think it is natural for you to want to become a couple. There may be barriers to a successful partnership that two people logically know that cannot be broken. That does not mean that the feelings are not there though.
I think for it to work successfully, some of the following things must be true: you are not really that good of friends, sex has no emotional component for you, friends are only people you do things with you (there is little or emotional component to friendship for you), you are not an emotional type at all, you rarely see each other, sex is just fun and games to you and not associated with relationships, you do not break the relationship because you are seeing someone else.
Both people must feel the same way. If either one of them does become emtionally attatched somewhere along the way and wants a romantic relationship, diaster will eventually ensue.

[Lady President]

26. It can work

FWB can work if you're careful picking the person. When I was in law school I had a medical student friend with benefits. It worked really well because neither of us had the time or energy for a serious commitment. (He's married and we're still friends. His wife doesn't like me much, but that's another story.) If both people really understand it's just a friendship, it's a great way to become more experimental. You never have to be nervous someone will think you're strange for suggesting anything and you learn to ask for what you want because no one is going to get hurt feelings or think you're being critical.

On the other hand I have seen many of my friends crushed when emotions never go beyond friendship, so really think it through.

[Piltdown13]

27. Depends on the situation

Only done it once -- with a guy I had broken up with but we stayed friends. About a month post-breakup we were hanging out and one thing led to another...

On one level it worked, because we were both on the same page and had waited awhile after the breakup before commencing with the "benefits" (and it was REALLY clear to both of us that a regular relationship would not be a good idea for us). Lots of fun, tension relief, etc. BUT...I think the situation prevented either of us from finding a new relationship for the duration, because neither of us was willing to "share" benefits with some new, unknown person, so neither of us started dating anyone else. Things could have gotten unhealthy had we not ended the "benefits" when we did -- OTOH, it's also possible that the reason that we allowed it to happen in the first place is that there was a clearly-defined ending point all along (I was graduating and he was transferring to a new university at the end of the school year) so at some level we perhaps knew that it wouldn't go on indefinitely and be difficult to end without hurt feelings. Do I regret it? No way. Would I do it again? Probably not -- I have a feeling it often gets much more complicated than my experience. YMMV, of course. ;-)

[4_Legs_Good]

28. Are "friends" generally excluded from becoming relationship material?

Don't mean to hijack the thread, but I've known lots of people who have said (my wife for one), that they would never get romantically involved with a friend. Like somehow friends are friends, period, and you go necessarily outside that group for a relationship.

Now, I never understood this, and it seems totally absurd to me. I think I've been at least mildly attracted to 80% of the women friends I've had, some of the attraction was just physical, but a lot of it comes from having an emotional bond in the friendship.

I'm just curious if this being friends precludes ever being significant-others is as widespread as it seemed it was when I was younger.

Of course, my wife overcame her prejudice against friends becoming SO's, thank God. :)

david

[Kat45]

29. I wonder the same thing.

When I like a man, have the emotional bonds of friendship, and there is a sexual attraction, I think it would make perfect sense to move into a relationship with each other. It seems to be the men I know who think differently, and I don't understand it. When you have all of the above, it is the perfect starting point for a relationship, IMHO. But instead, they go after women who they don't have much in common with, who treat them like shit, etc. I get the impression that men don't even care if they have anything in common at all with the woman they get involved with (sexual attraction excepted); I've seen plenty of marriages in which the couple have totally different interests, don't do anything together, etc. In that case, what's the point?

[4_Legs_Good]

30. Agreed, but I've seen it more in women...

... which is interesting.

It's like a friendship automatically blocks any kind of attraction or "thinking outside the friendship box", and the oh-so-common, "I just don't think of him/her that way."

I don't know, kida weird. I can't imagine anyone who I'd want to be more romatically involved with than my best friend. Like you say, it's cool to have common interests (as well as opposing ones too), and all that.

Hmmmmm...

david

[Sufi Marmot]

31. Both people have to be exactly on the same wavelength...

FWB can work well if both people are on the same wavelength regarding their expectations about the situation. I suspect it helps if the two people involved don't necessarily have a close emotional bond, but rather a more casual enjoyment of each other's company, along with mutual respect. I never enter a FWB situation with someone I'm likely to fall in love with, but I have to like the person on some level. You also have to make things clear up front, for instance, if one party wants to start seeing someone else or finds Mr./Ms. Right, then the relationship ends cordially and painlessly. "Thanks for the fun and the memories...", and so on...I'm also very explicit up front that I'm looking for FWB and not a significant other, and I avoid getting involved with people who I suspect want more than I can offer.

As I'm getting older I find that FWB is a useful and enjoyable short term solution, but it's not emotionally (or for me even physically) satisfying over the long term, and I doubt I could sustain such a relationship for more than a year. FWB for me certainly isn't as satisfying as being in a serious relationship...

-SM, a romantic at heart...