Stupid personal / social question...

[Frangible]

Maybe this is a dumb thing to ask, I don't really know. But I think about it and it does seem somewhat odd.

Anyway, I've been at my first job for 10 months now, having graduated college previous to that (I'm 24). In that time though, there's been something different from my life in education up to that point-- I'm not really connecting with people on a personal level like I used to.

Allow me to explain. In college and school, I had a decent number of friends, and it wasn't hard for me to find people who enjoyed doing the same sorts of things I do.

But that general atmosphere seems to be gone to some degree I guess. I don't really connect on a very personal level with anyone from work, and just haven't been in a very social environment since graduation.

It's not really that I feel isolated -- I keep up with old friends from time to time, and meet people via discussions and gaming on the internet. But it's not really the level of personal interaction I once had.

I can step back though, and realize my life has changed. Most of my activities I do on a fairly regular basis (reading, exercise, movies, music, computers, video games, etc) are pretty solitary by nature. I think perhaps part of my problem in connecting with people is I don't put myself in many environments where that's possible, whereas previous to this I was put into them by necessity.

In terms of the "other" personal relationships, I feel I've gotta lose some weight before getting back in the dating game.

I dunno, are my experiences here abnormal? Am I too anti-social for my own good? Or is this just sort of a general fact of life?

Kind of hard to explain I guess, hope that made sense.

[La_Serpiente]

1. You should do what you want to do

At least you took some time to reflect on where your life is.

If you want to get back into the dating scene, sure, go lose some weight. Whatever you feel you have to do.

Do you feel alright at your workplace? If not, maybe it's a time for change. Perhaps you should look around for an alternate job so you can feel like your a part of the group.

Sometimes, change can be good.

[Frangible]

14. Well, that's just it

I kind of want to restore to my life that intangible amount of humanity in my interpersonal relationships that's missing.

My workplace is pretty good and laid back, and I like the people there-- I'm just saying I don't have a strong bond of friendship with my coworkers, but more of a laid back professional one.

[radwriter0555]

30. That sounds completely NORMAL. I think people assume that the work

place will be the new family bond type unit, similar to the ones in school, but it's just not. In the workplace you cannot be the avante garde fella, you have to play by the rules or else they will find someone else who does. Family and school doesn't play like that.

So it's left to you to re-construct a new family/social unit with your new life. Sounds like the first thing is to lose that weight so it's not a burden, so to speak, anymore.

You sound like a genuine, normal, healthy-thinking man. Get rid of that last social barrier and get out in the world! Heck darling, join a gym! GREAT social place.

Wow, you sound so normal! how cool is THAT! People will love to be your friend. Get out there!

[Frangible]

43. Heh, thanks

Good call about the gym, have been doing my exercising at home to date. But me? Normal? :P

[SOteric]

2. I think it's pretty normal

to experience a drop in one's social life after school. It seems that school provides a lot of easy and instantaneous opportunity to meet people and get to know them.

If your favoured pursuits are solitary in nature, I don't doubt that this is increased.

Maybe it's time to look into joining a political campaign as a volunteer, taking a few night courses in something like photography or some other recreational pursuit that would put you in contact with other like-minded folks.

[Frangible]

15. Not a bad idea

Politics is something I feel strongly about, so perhaps there's something along those lines here. I'll have to think about night classes and such, not sure what's available here, Montana in many ways is a bit more light on social amenities than a lot of places.

[NicoleM]

29. Where in Montana

are you? I lived in Billings for a year and Missoula for a year. I love Montana.

I had the same problem when I got my first "real job," although it wasn't so bad because I worked with a lot of people my age. But it wasn't the same as when I was in school. Most of my after-work activities were solitary (reading, working out, internet) and I'm not at all into the bar scene. Finally I decided to do something about it. I made a real effort to meet new people, some via the internet and some IRL. Within a month or so I met the Coolest Guy Ever, and now I'm married to him.

You just have to work harder at having a social life now than you did in school.

[Frangible]

44. Missoula

And congratulations -- good to hear things worked out for you.

[NicoleM]

50. Missoula is so awesome.

If the economy hadn't sucked I'd still be there.

I met a lot of cool people at Sean Kelly's. That was about five years ago, so they probably hang out somewhere else now. :)

[Exultant Democracy]

3. Very Normla

Since I got to college I have always ended up having at least a few of my close friends graduate each year, and a lot of them seemed to have gone through the same thing.

[Rowdyboy]

4. My "breakup" with school after 4 years in college was difficult...

I was shy in high school and really flowered in college. When I graduated, I felt lost. I left a community of educated, socially aware people and joined the real world. I was depressed and out of place for over a year, and not truly happy until 3 or 4 years after graduation.

I was lucky in that, even though I was shy, I met people who helped me out of it. Now, I'm fairly confident (only 32 years later). It sounds like you need to make friends. If you do, dating will follow, whether you want it to or not. Don't obsess on weight.

Good luck, my friend...

[Frangible]

16. Out of curiosity

How did you make those initial connections? Did you actively pursue them, or did they come in time?

[Rowdyboy]

27. I didn't pursue my first post-college friends....

I lived in a small town where I knew only a few people. Went to one particular bar a lot and played pinball/shuffleboard/backgammon religiously. Eventually, one of the guys asked me to go out on a boat for the weekend, and I met a few of his friends. It basically skyrocketed from there and within six months, I developed a great new social circle (it lasted nearly ten years before everyone else grew up-then I moved away).

[HEyHEY]

5. Yeah...I went through that

I added it up to shock. But I am the same age as you..so what the fuck do I know?
I think you've become so inner concerned with life that others mak eno difference. Don't worry nothing wring with that.

[Frangible]

17. I dunno

Although I don't quite understand what you mean by "inner concerned with life"... I tend to be kind of laid back and live in the moment most of the time.

[onebigbadwulf]

6. We are the digital generation

finally forced into the real world after being raised by television, a single parent, and nintendo.

We are the reborn symbol of social decay and disenchantment. Our most intimate thoughts and emotions have been poured onto a screen and exposed to a virtual universe that we call home. We prefer internet porn to real-life girlfriends because we can fuck hundred different girls in a single night without commitment. We prefer counter-strike to sports because we feel the rush of cheating death a thousand times a night. We prefer saving our money for plasma screens instead of going out. We prefer downloading instead of consuming. We prefer AIM chatrooms and internet forums to public gatherings. We prefer E-mail to phonecalls. We are rebelling from what we know society to be - a vicious blood-sucking corporate America.

Isolation is our fulfillment and addiction. Our computers are our life support- connecting us to the people we want to know. For anyone not in this realm simply does not understand.

Depressing isn't it?

[HEyHEY]

9. jesus : this guy is right on

[Frangible]

18. Hey, I had two parents

But dead-on other than that. Isolation may be as you say, but I think there's a personal need for other people deep down the "internet" lifestyle many of us live cannot fill.

[Kenneth ken]

7. ask yourself

1. how much of a social/personal aspect do you want to have in your business life? Do you really think you want to hang out with the people you work with?

2. How sociable does your work environment seem to be? Do co-workers talk about how much fun they had hanging out with each other at bowling last night? (just an example, does it seem eople hang out together away from work?)

With your old friends, you (presumably) have different main focuses in your lives at this point - work takes up a big chunk of a person's week - and so it's harder to stay as connected as you were when you had more common interests. You may need to make more effort there.

If you want to build social relationships at work (and the environment seems conducive to that) you may need to start interjecting yourself into conversations. If two people are talking about a movie you've seen, or want to see, offer up your opinion, or ask them about it, depending.

At any rate, your life has gone through a significant change, and you need to decide for yourself how you want to adapt to that change.

[Frangible]

20. Hmmm

1. how much of a social/personal aspect do you want to have in your business life? Do you really think you want to hang out with the people you work with?

I'm not really sure, honestly. It's not something I'm opposed to, but at the same time, I feel distant from others a lot.

2. How sociable does your work environment seem to be? Do co-workers talk about how much fun they had hanging out with each other at bowling last night? (just an example, does it seem eople hang out together away from work?)

No, there's not really a lot of that; there's some activity between people outside of work, but not a lot of it. A lot of them have families that take up their time they're not working.

With your old friends, you (presumably) have different main focuses in your lives at this point - work takes up a big chunk of a person's week - and so it's harder to stay as connected as you were when you had more common interests. You may need to make more effort there.

Agreed.

If you want to build social relationships at work (and the environment seems conducive to that) you may need to start interjecting yourself into conversations. If two people are talking about a movie you've seen, or want to see, offer up your opinion, or ask them about it, depending.

Good advice-- I'll try doing that. I'm kind of introverted / shy in RL, so it's something I can work on.

At any rate, your life has gone through a significant change, and you need to decide for yourself how you want to adapt to that change.

I guess I need to work more actively to restore what I once had.

[dreissig]

8. Completely Different Situation

In college you meet lots of people who may or may not be compatible, but you do meet lots of them. It's just the nature of the experience. When you get a job, your exposure to people shrinks drastically. You may meet a lot of people but they're a lot farther away socially than the people you met in college. The net effect is that it's a lot more difficult to connect with people you like.

You have to go out of your way now, when you didn't have to do this when you were in college.

[Frangible]

21. I think one of the things I need to do now

Is learn the "how" of it, and overcome my natural tendancies and actually do so...

[Tredge]

10. Hermano!

This phenomenon happens so often it should have its own word.

After you leave school maintaining a social life requires effort. This is an extremely uncomfortable evolvement for people just entering the Big Life. If you want a social life you will have to work for it. People get sapped out by hard work all day, and have their own depressions about the way their life is going (incidentally: that's a good conversation starter). But by the same token, they want to connect just like you do.

It's a new life for you and you can make as much of it as you want. It's different from what you're used to, but the rules aren't that hard, they just might be rather plain. You'll find people look at life rather pessimistically and uncreatively. But that's the pool you're swimming in.

One other thing - mind you don't get too attached to friends from online, DU included. There are things people need that typed words won't substitute.

[Tredge]

11. One other thing!

Ignore your weight. It'll make you less optimistic, you'll set rules on yourself. Make yourself happy and then it'll be much easier to deal with your weight.

I am not Dr. Phil. A pox on Dr. Phil.

[Frangible]

23. I can't

A year ago I weighed 300 pounds. I weight 250 now. My goal is 200-220. I'm 6'3" and I've ignored it too long. I'm not some skinny fuck obsessing over myself in a mirror-- I'm overweight and I do need to do something about it. But as the song goes, it's a long hard road out of hell.

It's not so much I'm unhappy with myself (on the contarary, the level of complacency I felt about it for so long sort of disturbs me now)-- it's just that thoughtless cosumption of food and a lifestyle on both a personal and professional level that is sedentary have led to it. Cause and effect.

Perhaps I'm superficial to say so, but physical attractiveness does have a role in attraction for me personally, and I don't think it's unreasonable to think it does for others as well...

[BiggJawn]

34. If you're 6'3" and 250, you'r thin enough to date.

At least around here anyway. I see a LOT of guys with partners out there who, frankly, are tubs of lard. and they accent that look with "Gangsta Style" clothes and shaved heads that show off their skull fat.
You got skull fat? No? Good, get out there.

I'm 6'4" and 290. I'm shooting for 205, but the reasons for me are health-related, not mating-game oriented....

BTW, Congrats on dumping the first 50!

[Frangible]

45. Thanks, but...

My reasons are also health oriented to some degree as well. I might be successful even now, perhaps that's true, but I just feel I should meet my own expectations for my partner in terms of weight, at a minimum.

[Nikia]

51. Not everyone want s a thin guy

My husband is a big, tall guy too. Before I dated him, I thought that I would not want to date anyone that tall or heavy but I fell in love. It is kind of nice to be married to a big guy. I feel safer that way. Work out and get strong and muscular. Even if you do not lose the rest of the flab, you'll attract many women that want a big strong man.

[Frangible]

22. well said.

I'm beginning to realize I certainly need to make that effort. And yeah, when you connect with people online, I think you connect with only part of that person. There's a certain aspect of humanity missing I think... hard to put in words... but I think people can feel it.

[WeirdSceneGoldmine]

12. Are the your coworkers older than your peers in school?

How many people work around you?

[Frangible]

24. About 30, it's a small company, and they are older as a whole

eom

[WeirdSceneGoldmine]

28. That explains it

I suggest a trip or two to the library and the shooting range

Anything in between is just normal and you're too young for that.

Start there and keep the workplace as a place for work and friendship.

Good luck.

[onebigbadwulf]

13. What we experience....

this dissociation from society, is not something that will change because someone says "you gotta get out more and make friends".

It's much deeper than that. We've been conditioned because of how we were raised, what we were pumped, how we coped with our problems.

We've found more intimacy and compassion and honesty and entertainment through virtual worlds, internets, and strangers we could empathize with- even if they weren't real. We've never been betrayed by our computers, televisions, or 20 piece chicken mcnuggets.

It's conditioning.
It's loyalty.
It's something that you cannot break simply by saying "hey dude go out and live life".

These are our lives. Technology is our religion.

It wasn't so obvious when we were surrounded by the same people, in college, typing on AIM with everyone else in our dormatories. It seemed normal, spending 16 hours a day in front of a glowing monitor.

Now, however, now that we are graduating and severing our connection to this virtual matrix ....we are now forced to witness this unfortunate naked truth.

And nothing anyone can say will change that.

[Frangible]

25. That is very profound

And you're right. You're entirely right. But even though things are as you say, for me at least, I am still human-- and the naked truth you describe is still a truth for me. It's something I *do* have to deal with, as we all do.

Not an easy problem, or solution at any rate. I cannot help what I am but I must help what I need and want, I guess... as difficult as that may be.

[REP]

19. Fact of Life

The only way to get me to be around the majority of my coworkers is to pay me. Work isn't about making lasting bonds; it's about making money. Don't worry that you aren't dear, personal friends with all your coworkers; it's better that way.

[Frangible]

26. fair enough

But I think the bonds must come from somewhere, and if not from work, from effort on my part...

[Garage Queen]

31. It took me YEARS to realize that it was okay not to have friends at work

The only thing in common I have with the people I work with 8 hours a day is the company that employs us. Other than that, nothing. I'm the only woman at this branch who:

* is a Democrat/Liberal
* is single
* enjoys listening to classical music
* is a performer (singer)
* doesn't have children
* watches Survivor
* DOESN'T enjoy shows like The Bachelor, Friends, etc.
* DOESN'T enjoy participating in "girly" things like baby showers, Secret Santa, scrapbooking <ugh!>, etc.

In short, I've tried to strike up conversations with folks but eventually gave up - we just have too little in common.

In college, however, it was easier: the people in the music classes I took OBVIOUSLY shared a love of music (otherwise they wouldn't be persuing that as a degree!) and we were around each other a lot, and took a lot of the same classes together. It was much easier to form friendships.

But now, out in the "Real" world, it IS much harder for me to make friends. Then again, like you, I've always enjoyed solitary pursuits.

Perhaps you can do something like join a book club, take a class offered by your city in something like drawing, etc, in order to put yourself in a "target-rich" environment, as Dr. Phil would say. (love. him.)

My 2 cents.

[Frangible]

46. "Target-rich"

I like that :P. But you're right, I think it will take effort for people like us.

[morningglory]

32. As an older person, I find that the people I meet who have a lot

in common with me will make wonderful friends. Work is often a place for shallow friendships.

[BiggJawn]

33. Welcome to the REAL world!

Who was it that said "Most men lead lives of Quiet Desperation"?

I have TWO friends 70 miles away that I keep in touch with via Email/Yahoo Msgr. I have my stressed-out girlfriend of 5 years who I don't live with, and if my lease allowed it, I'd probably have a cat.

Frankly, I don't have time or energy to pursue relationships with the people I work with. Chance/necessity made us co-workers, it'd take more than that to make us tight bros.

You sound pretty normal to me. Don't sweat it.

[omshanti]

35. No, it's not a dumb thing... happens to (almost) everyone

When you are in college you are surrounded by mostly single, young people with about the same social schedule as you. When you enter the workplace your co-workers are probably all in different stages of life, with families/ kids/ already established social lives.

What I did when I was in a similar position, was to make a special effort to do things that increased my chances of meeting new people with similar interests. I felt like I had out-grown the college bar scene, so I looked for other things to do. If you like playing Chess or Scrabble, there are usually local amateur clubs that meet in coffee shops in most decent-size cities - it's a great way to meet people. Look in your newspaper or internet for meeting times/ places. Also, volunteering with organizations like Habitat for Humanity will also help you meet people, while accomplishing something meaningful. Joining a gym helped me meet people too, oddly enough. Everyone at my gym was very friendly and I actually made some good friends from the gym, and with the added benefit of getting in shape! Another thing to try, if you have a favorite sports team, is to find a local fan club that meets at a sports bar to watch the game. It takes extra effort, but otherwise it's hard to meet people outside of work, especially if you have just moved to a new town from college.

Hope this helps :-) from someone who was in that position not too many years ago.

Edited to add a couple more suggestions -- if you like running or biking, there are all kinds of runners and bicyclists' clubs that meet on weekends. Also if you play sports look for local teams at the Y or corporate challege teams. You never know who you'll meet.

[Frangible]

47. Thanks, good ideas

I'll look into some of those.

[chefgirl]

36. Thats why they call it the Big Chill..

..or something like that. :shrug:

Seriously, its not unusual at all not to make friends as easily in a work environment as you do in school. Its really a fundamental part of adulthood. IMO thats why its so important (and sometimes so difficult) to keep in touch with old friends.
Cherish those relationships you made when you were younger. Most adults in the workplace just dont connect with eachother on that same kind of level. People are just too busy and stretched too thin. Sad, really, but too often true.

-chef-

[RobinA]

37. Totally Normal

I got lucky when I came home from college, because I worked in retail, which was full of single young people just like college. I made friends there that I still have. SINCE then I have worked in offices and not made any friends that have lasted past the job itself. Luckily, I still have the retail friends or I'd have no friends in my geographical area.

Can't say I have a solution to your problem, but just wanted to let you know that it's the way of the world, pretty much. And even when you do have friends apres college, you don't seem to have as much fun or be part of them as much as in college. Of course, you can do more because you all have money now, but for some perverse reason, trips to the islands pale beside sitting perched on the bathtub edge while your friend throws up too much beer drunk at a frat party and cries about the guy who got away.

[skippysmom]

38. not abnormal at all...

I have precisely two friends that I did not meet in either high school, college or grad school. I met them both at work, and we ended up having things in common other than work. Admittedly, I moved around a lot over the last 10 years, which made it hard to really establish myself in a community.

To top it all off, I work full time and have an hour commute each way, so most nights I would just as soon relax with my husband. On weekends we may travel to see friends or family (or they come to see us) but that's about it.

To make friends when you're out of school, as other posters have noted, you need to really work at it. I don't have any solutions, but I wish you luck!

[Lydia Leftcoast]

39. One of the biggest differences between college and the real world

is that in college, you can hardly avoid having a social life, because you're surrounded by people your own age all the time. Your social life comes to you. This rarely happens in the Real World.

Although I've been out of college for a couple of decades, I was in academia for the first part of my adult life, so it was easy to find compatible people.

However, when I became a free-lance worker, I needed to make an effort to get out of the house. Here are some of the tried-and-true means of meeting people:

1) If you sing or play a musical instrument, check out community choruses or orchestras. If you have ham instincts, try out for community theater. Even helping build scenery will get you invited to the cast parties.

2) Find out if your town's park board offers exercise classes or recreational activities, or if there's an outdoor activities club in the area. If you're in Montana and winter is coming up, you might want to get involved in a downhill or cross country ski club or take lessons if you don't already know how.

3) Hang out in coffee shops and strike up conversations with people who are doing interesting things

4) If you have the least trace of religious or spiritual feelings, try joining a church or other spiritual community. You don't have to stick to the denomination you were raised in, and you will have to visit a few before you find something that clicks, but it's a good way to meet a wide variety of people. (If you're not religious, of course, disregard this item.)

5) Take a class at your local community college. It doesn't have to be anything heavily academic, because most such schools offer a lot of personal enrichment and fun courses.

6) Work on a political campaign and/or volunteer for a charity.

There is life after college, but you have to work harder at it.

[TXlib]

40. Here are some suggestions

Find a hobby that is supported by clubs in your area. Homebrewing, ballroom dance, rockclimbing, astronomy, whatever...

Go to the clubs meetings regularly.

Join a local church. Even an atheist such as myself fits in at a UU church. Get involved in a committee or covenant group.

As for dating, the online personals are really not a bad idea.

[PVnRT]

41. That's normal

Work is not like college. It sounds like an obvisou statement, but many don't recognize that - they assume that they will meet friends from day one, hang out, have fun, etc. The truth is you will be working with a lot of people who are married, divorced, have kids, and so on, that just don't do that anymore, and really just do their best to get along well for the day and go home. And there are just some people at work who just want to work - they aren't really interested in being your friend, in long, deep conversations, in hanging out, or having lunch with you. That's just how it is.

[merry_jane]

42. I hear ya

Going through the same thing right now. Except, I don't even have a workplace to go to because I work from home as a freelancer doing something solitary. I have minimal interaction with people and the isolation is just killing me. My relationship of 5 years just ended and I had jumped into that relationship after a 3 year relationship. Prior to that I was in college. Now, I'm on good terms with people I work with but they're still clients and not friends.

So, don't feel bad, there are other people in the same boat. It's very normal. I have to make an active effort to go out to events and, most of the time, I do meet people but I know what you mean in that it's hard to establish that deep bond of friendship you knew in college. I don't know if I'll ever find friends that close again.

I moved back to my home town after I graduated and found a job and now I work at my own business. All my old friends have changed so much and I don't really think of them as real friends anymore. I don't know if I can stay in my line of work -- the money is very good but the isolation is very bad for my morale. Sometimes I can go for stretches of weeks before I have time to do things for myself (and there's always stuff to fix up around my new apartment that I moved into since the relationship broke down because I lived with my ex-boyfriend).

I've joined some hobby clubs and that's helped a lot. (Many people from the club were there for emotional support, too, when my relationship broke down and I had absolutely no other real friends to turn to and I think of people there as real friends even though I don't talk to them on a regular basis). I signed up for a pottery class in January. I'm also thinking about doing some volunteer work, too. And I've made one new friend just from going to lunch at a certain spot every day and we call each other every couple of days. The bond of friendship takes time to develop.

I hope this isn't a general fact of life. But I understand that it takes time and I have to go back and experience the period of isolation that I never got right after college and establish some friendships. The biggest obstacle, I've found, is my growing inability to be able to click with people.

[Frangible]

48. Sounds like you're a little ahead of me

But yeah-- definately a change we need to work at.

[johnnie]

49. Makes me wonder..

Reading this thread got me to start a thinkin'...It seems most of you went to college here. When I got out of high school,due to lack of money in the household I went straight to the work force, while my friends went off to college. I didn't feel like this at the time. I just went on as I always have. I was 18 at the time and maybe the 4 years or so difference in ages makes a difference. Does attending college prepare you for "getting out into the real world", or does it lend a bit more of "security" by continuing the life of existing with a social atmosphere with people who are in the same situation as you? Then when you get out and ready to start your career, it is more of a shock to the system?
This is all just something I began to think about as I read this. I haven't really thought about this because it's been quite a while since those days, but it is interesting to me. The pressure of landing the right job that you feel worthy of your college education, along with the competition to get that job as compared to getting a job to start your life out with just your high school diploma in hand must lend to some of these situations you are experiencing.
Am I wrong or is this just a bad flashback, and I have no idea what I just said???

[Nikia]

52. Yeah, it sucks

I thought that I had grown so much socially in college. It turned out that I was wrong. I had a hard time making friends when I graduated. Luckily, my husband has been with me since college so we always have had each other. I live in a samll town and many of the people that I work with have known each other since they've been children. Others have gone to the same bars for years. Neither my husband nor I are from this area and we don't like hanging out in bars. I've become friends with a few people from work, but it is hard to find people to be friends with here whose social life doesn't revolve around the bar or really want to be friends with someone outside their pre existing circle.