Should I Move Into An Apartment With My Ex-Girlfriend?

[THUNDER HANDS]

This question, I feel, requires a backstory.

About six years ago I met a girl in Brooklyn. I don't know what it is about the water there, but I always seem to be attracted to Brooklyn women.

Anyways, we met, dated for a little while and were going strong for about five months. I was into her, she was into me. Everything was fine. Then, one day out of the blue Tami (that's her name) tells me she has to break up with me because she "doesn't do commitment well."

So we break up and go our seperate ways.

Fast forward until two years ago. One day, a few weeks after breaking up with my most recent ex, I call Tami up so see how she's doing.

She was so excited to hear from me we made plans to hang out. We did, and every since we've been hanging out together practically every weekend.

The only thing was, she was now into the fifth year of her relationship with Carl - a 6'3" 350-lb bouncer who she started dating immediately after she and I broke up.

They were living in an apartment in Brooklyn, and had been for the past three years. He works odd hours, so Tami barely sees him - which gave her more time to see and hang out with me on Friday and Saturday nights.

Again, anways, all was fine until Carl's mother decided she was going to sell her apartment and move to Oregon. His mother lived with Carl's two brothers - one of whom sells cocaine and the other who's mentally handicapped.

So Carl and Tami moved into his mother's apartment, while his mother gets ready to move to Oregon.

Tami is miserable living there and wants to know if we (ie, me and her) can get an apartment so she can get away from Carl and his crazy family.

Now, before you get the thought in your head that Tami is some sort of golddigger who shacks up with guys to get them to put a roof ove her head. Wait, you have to know that she made a hell of a strong effort to make Carl her Mr. Right. - but Carl isn't exactly what you would call 'affectionate.'

He's said on numerous occasions that his mother comes before Tami and her feelings.

And since I still care deeply for Tami (a flame has always burned in my heart for her, even while I was dating other women) I don't have any problem taking her away from there and moving into an apartment with her.

But do you think I'm making a mistake? If we were to move in together it would be the end of her and Carl. It would be the re-beginning of me and her. And since we got along so well while we were dating and while we've been reaquainted as friends, I don't see a downside.

But maybe I'm missing something. Am I?

[commander bunnypants]

1. Be very careful my friend

um No, Sounds like you will be hurt again, IMHO

DDQM

[truthspeaker]

2. NO

The romantic entanglements are dangerous enough without adding living arrangements. If she wants to break up with Carl, she should break up with Carl and find another place to live on her own. Then you and she can see if it still works out between you.

[GOPisEvil]

3. Wait a second...

You see this as a "rebeginning of you two"? Does SHE see it that way, or does she just see you as a roommate? You had better get that straight before making any decisions. If the two of you are on different pages, things will not go well.

Oh, and is Carl the type to get REALLY PISSED OFF about this? Just a thought...

Oh, some people are not meant to be romantically inclined, even though they get along well. Friends and lovers are not the same thing. Talk to her - figure out what she wants, and go from there.

[THUNDER HANDS]

8. well...

we did speak about it. From what I can gather, if we move in together it'll start out initially as a "Friends with Benefits" type of thing and then it'll evolve into something else.

Which is fine by me, because we started our relationship out as lovers and then evolved into friends once she was committed to Carl.

At the very least, if we don't make some sort of bond while we're living together than I'll know it wasn't meant to be. Because in my heart I always looked at her as the one that got away.

I was head-over-heels in love with this woman not too long ago.

[GOPisEvil]

10. Just make sure you're thinking clearly.

Good luck! :-)

[NicoleM]

20. Do you not watch "True Life"?

Yeah, I'm way too old to be watching MTV. But they just did a "True Life" about "friends with benefits." I've never seen the beginning, but I've seen the end and it didn't work. In most FWB relationships, one person ends up wanting more than the other one. Somebody ends up with their heart run through the shredder. In your situation, it would probably be you.

If you really want a relationship with this woman, maybe you should let her crash on your couch (and keep it platonic while she's there) until she finds another place to live. If she jumps right from you to Carl back to you, you might end up the rebound guy.

[THUNDER HANDS]

21. the difference

I saw that show. The difference between Tami and I and the people on that show was that we started out as boyfriend/girlfriend and only years later became good platonic friends.

But we always had sexual tension between us. And she wanted me, but couldn't act on it because of Carl. And I wanted her, but never made a move - for the same reason.

I honestly don't know how us moving in together would change our relationship. But it's something I definately want to know - because if there is only one true love out there for someone - I believe that she's mine.

[LynneSin]

32. I'm really worried about what you're doing.

I honestly don't know how us moving in together would change our relationship. But it's something I definately want to know - because if there is only one true love out there for someone - I believe that she's mine.

Because if she changes her mind about the living arrangements you could be stuck with a very expensive apartment.

You can be 'friends with benefits' without living together. I also perceive you to be a little to anxious for a relationship and I'm concerned that this one could blow up into your face.

You may be older, wiser and capable of handling this, but she was a 17 year old who was afraid of a commitment and then suddenly met bozo the bouncer who suddenly she decided to commit to a long term relationship. And Bozo the Bouncer sounds like a role model for Losers Incorporated.

I've been down this path before and believe me, I wish I could get back the time I wasted trying to make the relationship work. If she loves you and you love her, moving in together will only complicate matters - not make the relationship move forward. And don't kid yourself that your 'Friends with Benefits' will be any different from anyone else in the world who's been in that kind of relationship. Roommates work in only 2 kinds of situations: Rooming with your Friends or Rooming with your Partner - you try moving in with a combo of the 2 and you will be praying for the lease to end real quickly.

To make this relationship work, keep seperate living conditions and see where the path takes you. If you 2 were meant to live together you'll still feel the same way 6 months from now, but the difference is you'll be more assured of the relationship you have with her and HOPEFULLY she'll be out of the one she has with Karl. Even with Bush in the White House we will not see the end of the world just yet. Don't make a longterm financial plan just because you're still hot for an ex-girlfriend. Think with the brain between your ears, not the one between your legs. That's how most men and women get in trouble when they think with the wrong body parts!!!!

[NicoleM]

33. You can still find out

if she's your one true love even if you don't live together. Living together can put a lot of stress on a relationship. You might be better off in the long run if you go a little slower.

Or maybe not. I don't know either of you. Hope it works out for you, though. :)

[La_Serpiente]

4. Magic Rat

that was the most beautiful, thoughtful piece you have ever wrote on this website.

Let me take a stab here.

Well...the question is "Do she love you really?"

Some of my girlfriends (not going out, we just gossiped) gave me the impression that as soon as a girl moves into an apartment with a guy, they think that they are going to get married. For a guy, it is different. For a guy, he thinks that they are moving into an apartment just so that he can test the water and see if things are working out.

But she is under harsh circumstances. I'll think about it for awhile and come back in a little bit.

[LynneSin]

5. She needs to deal with her issues and clean up that mess first

You don't want to get involved with that no matter how much you care for this girl. She's involved with some really crazy people and she could just be using you to try to get out of this mess. You've got this family with a very large bouncer (the boyfriend) and someone deal drugs - they sound very unscrupulous and her current boyfriend may not be too keen on her shacking up with someone else.

Be supportive of a friend, but don't have her moving in until she's cleared up the mess she's made already!!

[THUNDER HANDS]

17. no, their relationship is done

Over. Kaput.

That much was made clear when she asked to move in.

And Carl is a fat, lazy asshole. But he's not the jealous type. He prefers inflicting emotional pain rather than physical pain.

[LynneSin]

42. She asked you?????!!!!!!!!!!

MR - I absolutely adore you, but the writing is freaking so clear on the wall. You need to give this relationship some time before you start moving in with her. She knows you're still hot for you and she's desparate to get out of a relationship. This all adds up to something that spells TROUBLE.

Stop now!!!!!! Take this thing slowly and don't do anything harsh like moving in with her. Please, even the rest of DU is overwhelmingly in agreeance with this.

[THUNDER HANDS]

44. gee Lynne

Are you trying to give me some sort of sign?

:)

[LynneSin]

49. I hope so

I know I sound critical but this whole situation just doesn't sound good.

Why not offer to help her find a place she can live. I'm sure are ads out there for folks looking for a roommate. You can help her find a place to live and help move in. watch out for her and she gets back on her feet. Be the supportive friend and hopefully the relationship will grow into something incredible. Then when her lease is done you 2 can contimplate if you want to move on to the next step like a relationship and moving in together.

:D

We love you MR, if we didn't we would be so vocal about preventing this!!!!

:pals:

[THUNDER HANDS]

51. awww

thanks Lynne. I appreciate it. Really.

:D

[Droopy]

6. Sounds like bad news to me

I wouldn't do it. Does she have the same feelings for you as you do her? Could she just be using you to get out of a bad situation? What if you get this place together and she just wants to be friends?

[Amaya]

7. Yes do it

I think she wants to get back together with you. If that's what you want, go for it. Life too short.. Take a chance my friend ;)

[GOPisEvil]

9. Yeah, but don't take the plunge based on THINKING she wants him back.

He needs to KNOW. This is LIVING TOGETHER. The rat is on the line financially if things go badly and she leaves. I'm not advising him not to do it; just that he and she need to discuss the arrangement first. Only if both of them are comfortable with the set-up should they move in together.

Just my dos pesos.

[Amaya]

12. Yeah I'll agree with you there..

He does need to know her intentions. I hope it turns out well for ya Rat. :)

[LynneSin]

13. I have to agree with you GOP

Life is too short - especially to waste it on a girl who is way too involved in a different relationship, especially as one as screwed up as what MR told us about.

NYC is very costly to be stuck with an apartment if this gal decides to move out on him.

Taking risks in life are great - but when the odds are stacked this highly against you it's just not worth it.

[MercutioATC]

11. Just a suggestion: Deal with one issue at a time.

Her getting away from Carl and you two living together are two different issues. She should move away from Carl because she wants to. You two should live together if 1) there's an understanding of a committment between you (BOTH of you) or 2) you BOTH understand that this is just a "roommate" thing. Make sure you're doing things for the right reason.

BTW, I may be facing a similar situation with my ex in the not-so-distant future, so I've given this some thought on a personal level. Let me know how things work out.

[ixion]

14. sounds like very treacherous ground

that's a scary path you've laid out there, MagicRat... it's navigable, to be sure, but there are pratfalls along the way. You realize that if you move in with her, it will fan that flame you spoke of. As well, you're wedging yourself in between Tami and Carl and his Crazy Family. If they are crazy, and if Carl reacts poorly, you could be in for some bad scenes.

Just playing Devil's advocate. :evilgrin:

[Loonman]

15. Accident waiting to happen

You break up with people for a reason.

[Amaya]

16. Ahh..you're not romantic are ya?

People brake up for all sorts of reasons. Maybe it was meant to be? Ok, I'm in an optimistic mood today. I loved his story it could turn out happily ever after. Don't mess with my fantasy! :P

[MissMillie]

18. NO

If you still have feelings for her, and she doesn't feel the same way, you're a disaster waiting to happen. Don't do it.

[THUNDER HANDS]

22. but how will I know

What her true feelings are if I don't put myself in a position for her to show me what they are.

[Loonman]

24. Didn't you already do that?

Why does a second try merit more effort than the first?


Leopards can't change their spots, people can't change their character.

[THUNDER HANDS]

28. i think she did

We initially started dating when I was 21 and she was 17.

She had never been in a relationship with anyone longer than a few months. She broke up with me because she was afraid of commitment.

Then she met Carl and apparently her attitude changed. I don't know why, since Carl was never what I'd call "a catch."

But, since she's now shown that she can handle a relationship - maybe things will be different the second time.

I've never had the opportunity to date a woman twice. I think the ol' Magic Rat charm still has enough juice in it to get the job done, though. Because I do still love her very much.

[truthspeaker]

38. wait a minute

She started dating you when she was 17. Then went straight to Carl. Now it's over with Carl, and she wants to go back to you. In her adult life, how much time has she spent NOT in a romantic relationship?

Too many danger signals here, man. Do you live alone now? Why not keep it that way, and see how your relationship with her evolves? Look before you leap is the best advice I've ever gotten - whenever I ignore it I get hurt.

[GOPisEvil]

25. Yeah, but you don't have to live with her for her to show you.

You can live apart and date each other, spend time with one another. You don't have to live in the same abode - at least not right at first.

Sounds like you've made your decision, and you want validation. Once again: I'm not saying DON'T do it - just discuss everything up front.

[THUNDER HANDS]

29. well the apartment thing is non-negotiable

We'd have to live together. Both of us would be hardpressed to afford a nice place on our own. But together we can spring for a good-sized place and have enough for cable and all other expenses.

[GOPisEvil]

35. Can I ask why?

SHE is the one that is in the position of having to find a place to live, not you. Apparently you already have a stable living arrangement. So, you'd be doing this for her.

I dunno - I'm liking this move less and less for ya - at least at this time. I don't think you should go straight to moving in together. You need to know over a length of time what her intentions and feelings are.

[THUNDER HANDS]

39. well the move would be happening in June

So we have plenty of time to talk it over. But yes, I would be doing this partly as a favor to her.

But I really don't care because I really do feel like she is my someone special.

Damn horomones, clouding my steel-trap of a mind. :)

[GOPisEvil]

43. Oh, the move's in June...that's an important detail!

You've got time to figure out if this is the right move, then. I hope for your sake that she is completely honest with you.

So, um, what's she doing for living arrangements until June? I'm confused again...

Oh, and book early if you want my help moving. ;-)

[THUNDER HANDS]

45. she's living with Carl until then

They have a weird relationship. They always have. She was into him waaaay more than he was into her.

But she gets like that. She's a hopeless romantic, just like me.

It's one of the many common traits we share.

[GOPisEvil]

47. *shakes head* this is TOO strange...LOL

Good luck! As always, I wish ya the best. :-)

[LynneSin]

41. I have to agree 120% with GOP - she could be using you

She's stuck in a bad relationship and here's this old boyfriend who still has the hots for her that could help her get out and fix her up with living arrangements.

This is classic 'Dear Abby' (which for some bizarre reason I still read everyday). She needs a crutch and she's using you. What if she decides she's still 'not into commitments' and moves out on you 2 months after moving in together. Are you capable of paying for an NYC apartment on your own??? :shrug: What if Carl decides to come after the guy that took away his girlfriend? Are you capable of defending yourself against a 6'3 350lb bouncer?

Love is a strange emotion and sometimes it is the most wonderful experience and sometimes it makes us do the craziest things.

Give it 6 months and if you 2 still feel the same way, GOP and I will show up and help move you 2 into your new place!!!

[THUNDER HANDS]

46. I have six months to decide

We wouldn't be moving in until June. By that time we're definately going to have some conversations.

[Misinformed01]

40. And you will be left trying to figure out how

to pay for that place on your own within a year.

At your age, you should always make damn sure you can find the exit ramp-

[MissMillie]

34. Here here!

You don't have to live w/ her to find out how she feels about you. In fact, you should find out how she feels about you BEFORE you make such a leap.

Look, if you sign a lease, and then find out that this was a mistake, you'll regret it big time.

[JanMichael]

19. Go for it. You only live, and die, once, no?

Good luck.

[marley]

23. I say

go for it, what's the worst that could happen ? The 350 lb bouncer crushes your fingers ?? Actually, that would keep you from posting your silly sex polls for awhile ! Go for it !

[Rowdyboy]

26. I wish you luck my friend...

You're gonna need it...

[Loonman]

27. To echo another DUer

...and The Oracle:

"You've already made the choice(to move in with her), now you have to understand why you made the choice you did"

[THUNDER HANDS]

30. ooooh, i like that

And very true, BTW.

[Bronco69]

31. I would think twice if I were you

she already told you she "doesn't do commitment well."

[SOteric]

36. I've never thought it was a good idea

to become physically and/or emotionally involved with anyone who is just coming out of a relationship.

People need time to let their feelings stabilise before they start something new.

Even if you tell yourself that this is 'just friends with benefits' to start with, you're emotionally invested in having this be the start of something deep and lasting. (And we're all praying you get laid so you can post polls about anything but sex again.) If Tami has spent years of effort trying to be all about Carl, she's not going to find a magic 'ejector button' on her emotional response to him, however disappointed she may be in him right now.

How are you going to feel if two months from now, she and Carl have patched things up?

My advice: If you're going to do this anyway, - and it seems to me that that's very much what you're implying, - because life is short and opportunities are rare, - then hold back on the 'benefits' aspect of the relationship for a little while. Give her some time to sort out her relationship with Carl, even if she thinks she doesn't want or need the time.

[Misinformed01]

37. So, you are going to move in and rescue a

23 year old ex-girlfriend who has been involved with a possibly abusive man since she was 18.

If this was such a great idea, then why are you looking for advice on an anonymous internet forum? Why don't you ask your friends and family instead?

Trying to rescue people isn't all that it's cracked up to be; and is usually best left to professionals and/or family.

Good luck.

[merry_jane]

48. Advice from my therapist

I'm undergoing therapy right now from a broken relationship and it's taught me to see a lot of things in perspective.

Your situation doesn't sound like one that would be made out of absolute free choice.

I was reading this book that was saying that it might actually be better for her own personal well-being if she learned to live on her own.

I'm not saying that she's mooching money or rent from you. It might be that the first time she moved out of her parental home, she moved in with you (?) or someone else and has always lived with someone else ever since and has spent no period of time living independently. It may be a psychological dependence on someone else to be there in the same household. I am going through the exact same thing myself and it's a harder thing to do than one would think. It's really tempting for me to go out and find a guy to live with just so I won't have to live alone. My therapist tells me that I absolutely cannot do this -- to do so would be taking several steps backwards in my personal growth.

I've read that in order for a person to grow, they must spend a period of time living independently.

I say don't move in with her because you do care about her. Fine if you start dating her again but don't move in together again -- it will give her time to find herself and maybe help both of you out with a better, stronger relationship later.

[dfong63]

50. if you don't do it, you'll forever wonder what would have happened

... so i say, go for it.

but remember there are no guarantees. this woman broke your heart once, and she could do it again. has she really changed?

[MadHound]

52. Whoa, slow down there pardner

This sounds like a bit of a dicey mess that could head south quickly. I understand your attraction to this woman, I've been in a similar situation myself, but rushing into this, without all of her/your/the two of you's loose ends tied up could wind up in a disaster.

There is her situation to consider. Breaking up with LARGE, somewhat crazed, possibly coked up bouncer. This guy isn't going to take it well, especially if she goes straight from him to you. Unfortunately, he would probably take his anger out on you, at least some of it. Plus she is going to be on the rebound. You know what they say about rebound relationships.

Then there is your feelings. You are all optimistic and starry eyed now, and are willing to believe everything she says. You say you started out as lovers, only later to become friends later, but now want to become lovers again. You sound all anxious and giddy and possibly might not be thinking clearly.

Then there is what is between you two. An unrequitted relationship, a good friendship. Do you wish to remain friends with her, even if you can't be lovers? Because in a situation like this, all of that can go out the window and you would be left with nothing.

My suggestion is to slow down, let this all develop. I wouldn't move in with her right away, but possibly you could help her financely with a place of her own for awhile, with said place becoming both of yours later. Let her recover from bouncer boy, but remain friends with her(and as time goes on, possibly with benefits). Have deep talks with her during this time, have her lay out her feelings for you, and you do the same. Let it grow. If this is meant to be, then it will happen. If it isn't, then it is better to know now before all sorts of entanglements and commitments(both financial and otherwise) develop.

And enjoy this moment. The frission, tension, joy, and sweetness of a relationship developing out of friendship is wonderful in and of itself.

[sleipnir]

53. Careful, Brooklyn girls are trouble

But....

"Is it just me, or does every woman in Queens have some kind of an emotional problem?" (thank you Eddie)