Home alone and sad

[Nikia]

My husband and my best friend (male) are hanging out together today. I cannot go. His wife has become jealous of me and hates me. To make a long story short, it was triggered when I wrote him a nice letter but her jealousy had evidently been building for some time. His wife and I have known each other for about six months and I thought that we were becoming friends. I tried to write a nice letter to her saying that there wasn't anything to worry about and how much I thought of her. That made things worse and I thought that I almost lost my best friend over it since he was upset that I went behind his back to do it and with how badly it turned out. This happened a month ago. My friend started a new job two weeks ago (we had worked together). We have seen each other a couple times since then but I feel that I cannot talk to him about it although I think that things are a bit better between them as she is happy about his new higher paying job (They've been having trouble paying their bills). It hurts me so much though. I told my husband that I wanted him to go. My friend and he have become friends. There is no reason that they shouldn't hang out (they have an errand too which is why they are over there). I suppose that I am jealous too. He can hang out there, but I can't. I don't know if there is hope for this. I am even having a hard pin pointing my feelings. I am not sorry for being his friend. I am not sorry for getting to know her either (I truly like her). I am sorry that we all got hurt. I feel guilty about something though and feel that I should do something, but that just made things worse earlier. I cannot make someone like me that doesn't. So I'll just sit here and be hurt.

[HEyHEY]

1. Rent a movie

Go bowling. Make a cake.

[wryter2000]

4. I agree

Do something to treat yourself. If it were me, I'd do something my dh didn't particularly like, like watch a bunch of horror movies and eat Chinese food. Go out and spend some money.

As to the relationships, do nothing and hope things improve on their own. They probably will.

[Nikia]

6. Yeah

I should just get one of those movies that he never wants to see. It's better to get my mind on something else.

[corarose]

2. Honey you will be alright!

I have been alone for 10 years now and I don't know If I ever want to get used again.

At least you have a husband who loves you.

[Droopy]

3. Don't worry about her

I know it's hurtful, but if she doesn't want to be your friend there's not much you can do about it. Just enjoy the friendship that you do have in her husband.

[Maddy McCall]

5. You will never overcome that woman's jealousy, no matter what you do...

I have a dear guy friend--used to be my BEST friend--he married 16 years ago and his wife is jealous of our friendship. I have bent over backwards to show her that I am no threat. What I finally figured out is that she hates that he talks to me about stuff that he won't discuss with her.

I have done EVERYTHING I could to be a friend to her, but it hasn't worked.

The latest thing she does is use her daughter, who is 11, as a wedge between my guy friend and me. She is hateful, passive aggressive, and manipulative--the wife, I mean.

You can't ever win her over. You might as well let it go.

[Misinformed01]

7. "What I finally figured out...

is that she hates that he talks to me about stuff that he won't discuss with her."

Ummmm Houston, we have a problem....I don't know these people or you, but somewhere there is a major lack of communication or trust.

[Maddy McCall]

9. Ha...the trust issue...

SHE'S the one who cheated on HIM. lol!

[Nikia]

8. I know

Without getting too far into things about her and her past jealousies, I suppose it is amazing that I was able to get as close to her and have her knowledgable about my friendship with her husband even this long.
Yes, I guess that the main problem is that she is afraid that I am better friends with her husband than she is. I cannot do anything about their closeness in their relationship. He is emotional for a guy and throughout his life maintained several simutaneous close friendships so I don't think that I am taking anything away from their relationship by being his friend. I refrained from writing in my letter to her that her jealousy makes him less open to her and that her refraining from complimenting him, so he does not think he is too good for her (she actually told me this) also hurts their relationship by making him feel unappreciated, because I thought that would be been mean. Nice didn't work though.
I have to let go of her emotionally, which is a shame because she does have good qualities and if I were twenty-five years older, as are most of her friends, we might have become good friends.
I am sorry that you've had a similiar experience. I am glad that you've been able to maintain your friendship. I am pretty sure that I will maintain this one as my friend says that everything is good between us despite this. It is just a challenge that I hope will heal with time.

[OKNancy]

10. I remember the last time you wrote to DU

about this same problem. Seems like you got some really good advise from a lot of people. Can you search and re-read that thread?

As I remember most people told you that you were skating on thin ice and needed to back off the guy and his marriage.

[Maddy McCall]

12. I was not able to maintain the friendship...

She used the child to wedge us apart. She told lies about the way I treat the daughter--said that I "verbally abused" the child when I have done nothing but love the child and treat her with respect, and then she quit inviting my son to kid parties that her daughter was having. And she was so damned mean to my son that I had to stay away, lest I finally go off on her.

My guy friend drinks too much just to tolerate the relationship, and he would rather "go with the flow" than stand up to her, so I just decided finally that the hill was too tall to climb, so I quit making attempt to see him.

She would literally scowl at me--didn't realize she did it--and the only time she would contact me was when she needed something from me.

I finally told him that I didn't mind the way she treated me but when she started to mistreat my son, then I needed to take a break from them. That was over a year ago...I have seen him a few times since, but it's not the same level of friendship that we had in the past.

I think he is alcoholic--I know that he drinks to deal with the marriage--and she overeats--she is quite obese now--and I think that is another reason she resented me.

At any rate, I am rehashing it now and I shouldn't because I have had more peace in my life since I quit TRYING to be friends with her, and since I let the friendship with him wane. I miss him sometimes, but now I know that the misery they are experiencing, and have experienced, is all about them and nothing about me.

Good luck to you--I hope you can find a way to maintain your friendship with him. I was unable to do so with my married guy friend.

[Rhiannon12866]

11. What a sad story

One of my closest friends is male, as well, but his wife likes me, though I don't know her well. My friend and I worked together for a long time. I think there is hope for your situation. When his wife realizes that you aren't a threat to her, she is sure to come around. The fact that your husband has becomes friends with your best friend is a very good thing and should ease things with your friend's wife. Hang in there. This will work out.:hug:

[VelmaD]

13. I'm so sorry honey...

I've been in the same boat for years. One of my two "best freinds" is a guy and has been for nearly 13 years. Over that time none of his girlfriends (or boyfriends) and neither of his wives has liked me.

And is isn't just with him. Most of my friends are guys and their wives can be really psycho about it. Sometimes I have such an urge to just grab them and scream, "look woman, if I wanted to steal him from you I already would have - I don't want him, that's why we're just FRIRNDS". What I think they don't understand is that they're jealousy is counterproductive. Just drives the guy away.

At this point I've given up on being friends with the wives. My basic philosophy is that I'm the guy's friend...I was their friend first. I'm as nice as I can manage but if the wife doesn't want to be my friend that's her loss. Plus if you're friends with both people in a couple it always ends up with you in the middle of their fights and that sucks.

I know none of that really helps. Sorry. Here, have a :hug:

And take the advice from others and do something just for yourself.

[Maddy McCall]

14. Oh Velma, I could have written your post...

"Plus if you're friends with both people in a couple it always ends up with you in the middle of their fights and that sucks."

Oh how I know this! I would be on the phone with the guy while he was bitching about his wife, and then my cell phone would ring, and I would be on the phone with her bitching about him...I would have a phone on each ear trying to deal with both of them, and that really sucked.

The wife called me once because she had fought with her husband, and she told me that she had sat her daughter in her lap and had told her, "Honey, I am going to leave your dad. We're going to move to Tennessee." The daughter was traumatized. I nicely scolded the mother about saying something so stupid to the daughter, since she threatens to leave him at least once a month. And of course she didn't leave, but wonders why the child does so miserably in school. Anyway, I really got sick of their shit and am kind of glad that I don't see them any more.

Oh, and the "I don't want your husband!" remark--I have told her that in subtle ways since I have known her. Still, she is afraid of me.

I do miss him, though. He is drinking so much these days that their problems are magnified X10 so I am glad I'm not in the middle of it.

[Nikia]

16. Thanks for sharing

I won't say that I'm glad that I'm not alone in this experience because I wish that you, jchild, and others didn't have to go through this.
I know that I shouldn't take her jealousy personally. She would have been jealous of anyone else too. Some people are that way. We all thought that she really liked me though. We will see if things get better in time. I almost think it would be a miracle if we were able to become friends despite this because as I said all her current friends are all older for a reason. It is something that I will have to learn to deal with, just as you have.
I suppose that you are right about the being in the middle thing. I saw the potential for that to happen, not to the extent of jchild, but as far as being careful to not to try to solve their problems based on knowing both sides of their story.

[TrogL]

15. Chocolate

contains an anti-depressant