I watched Emeril Laggase, the TV chef, for the first time last week

[brentspeak]

And I was reminded of the prison scene in "Goodfellas", when Pauly is cutting onions.

Emeril: "Youse put the tomatoes in this here BREAD!" (he shouts) "Then, youse gotta close it up, like so. ARE YOUSE HEARING ME? Youse gotta close it up! Then you gotta put the olive oil in!"

[Mutley]

1. You forgot to put in the "BAM!" after every other word.

[Dan-W]

2. The audience cheers wildly

whenever he adds garlic to anything. "Now, give it up for Doc and the boys!" "Stick around.... we'll be right back!"

[jmowreader]

3. The Emeril show I want to see...

I'm Emeril Lagasse, and today we'll be cookin' roadkill!

First you gotta get some roadkill, and you don't wanna be eatin' that stuff you find stinkin' in the middle of the road so you gotta kill it yourself. So drive down the road in the middle of the night doin' about 80, and when you see an armadillo tryin' to cross the road, just nail the gas and BAM! Free meat!

(Production assistants hold up signs saying "Loud Applause")

After you drag the armadillo home put it on the counter. First you wanna make sure it's dead, so get your three-pound sledgehammer out and BAM! Right in the head!

Now you've gotta get it out of the shell. Take that three-pound sledge and go BAM! BAM! BAM! Over and over until you've got the shell in the trash and the meat on the chopping block.

Next, take a whole jar of Essence and dump it over the shelled armadillo. Put the armadillo in the biggest pot you can get your hands on and add twelve gallons of water, grab another shovelful of Essence from this huge bowl of the shit you're required to keep next to your stove and BAM! throw it in the pot, then add sixteen pounds of the Trinity and about nine hundred heads of garlic. BAM!

Then put the burner on high and boil the fuckin' armadillo for three days. How you tell it's done? Look in the pot. If it hasn't completely dissolved, it's not ready yet.

(Doc Gibbs yells out) Hey Emeril! How do you serve it?

(Emeril answers back) You know, that's a really good question. And the answer is, who gives a rat's ass? Armadillos taste like dehydrated shit, Doc, you can't eat the damn things no matter how you try and you really shouldn't pick them up if you haven't had your leprosy shots. You know my fuckin' job isn't to create anything even remotely edible, it's to yell BAM! a lot and use up all the surplus garlic in Louisiana.

[kittykatkoffeekup]

5. For the home cooker

In case you don't have any fresh roadkill.

[Rabrrrrrr]

7. LOL!

:rofl:

Perfect!

"Sixteen pounds of the Trinity" - :rofl:

[Telly Savalas]

9. Recommended the thread for this post.

:rofl:

[Elidor]

10. LOL!

:rofl:

[TreasonousBastard]

13. I see you've watched the show....

that's good enough to save.

Emeril is the only TV cook who has figured out that only 3 people in the country will bother to try any recipe they see on TV, so fuck 'em-- they don't count, and they can buy his books if they really care.

So, if it's just entertainment, fry up the same ridiculous shit they do on Iron Chef and pretend it's food.

Get some Chinese takeout to pass around the audience when the time comes, and make sure they finish all the cooking wine before they taste the stuff.

[KitchenWitch]

4. And throw in about 10 cloves of Gahhhlick

[bigwillq]

6. I liked those scenes in Goodfellas

That's an amazing movie. I like Emeril too. He's cool.

[grasswire]

8. other favorites

"Where I come from, this don't come seasoned."

"Oh yeah, babe."

[Floogeldy]

11. What caused your coma out of which you recently came?

If you just watched Emeril for the first time last week, you are completely out of touch.

And I just had sex for the first time at age 48, last week.

}(

[skoppa]

12. When we come back from the commercial...

...ANOTHER NOTCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:rofl: :rofl: