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Greetings and salutations America from my makeshift EIB studio under a pile of couch cushions and a filthy bed sheet deep within the dark recesses of my vast Florida compound. I’m your host, Rush Limbaugh, returning to the golden EIB microphone and the massive ass-groove of my Attila the Hun chair after a five-week stint at the Equine Drug Rehabilitation Facility. And it will please you, loyal Dittoheads, that yes, I am five weeks painkiller free and have never felt more alive and aware!
Although now I have a bit of a horse tranquilizer problem, but we’ll save that for another show.
First off, I would like to thank all the brilliant and talented sycophants who took time out of their busy 2-3 hour work days to fill in from me, often from the studio of their own low-rated mid-western radio show. In fact, many of them didn’t bother getting up between the end of their sub-par conservative talk show and my fine program! While their talent is somewhat lacking, their sloth and totally piss-poor opining should be commended! I, and America, salute you!
Now, I’m sure many of you out there are wondering why I have chosen to broadcast today from a pillow fort in the servant’s quarters. The truth is, I’ve been hold up here for the past week and a half, forsaking normal human activities like bathing, cleaning up my excrement, and communicating with others, and using the urine-stained cushions of my illegal immigrant housecleaner’s couch as a hideout. Why am I hiding, you ask? Do the words “Operation Sapphire” mean anything to you?
Let me fill you in. just what “Operation Sapphire” is. While I was in rehab, I had a vision. I remember it quite vividly. I was lying on my side, handcuffed to the railing of a twin bed, my mouth filled with the acrid taste of vomit, my head pounding, and my Jockey’s appropriately soiled. And as I lay there, calling out to whatever higher power that would listen, begging for mercy, I had a vision. Before me stood Jesus, only it didn’t look like Jesus. There was no beard, no bare feet, no filthy robes, no long hair; in short, all of the hippy-tree hugger trappings of the Biblical Jesus were gone. Instead, the Jesus that stood before me was well groomed, with a conservative two piece suit and a power tie. He held in his right hand a brief case, and in his left hand, a copy of the Wall Street Journal. And he spoke to me, not softly, but in the voice of a true übermann.
“RUSH, MY SON, WHY MUST YOU BE SO PATHETIC.”
At first I was taken aback by these stern words. So I made an inquiry.
“Lord, what am I doing wrong?”
“DON’T YOU KNOW? LOOK AT YOU! LYING THERE IN YOUR OWN FILTH AND ASKING FOR HELP! FOR SHAME! YOU AREN’T OWED ANYTHING! WHY DON’T YOU GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND KICK THE HABIT?”
“But Lord, I’ve tried! These pills are my Achilles’ heel!”
“THOSE SOUND LIKE THE WORDS OF A WEAK MAN! IN FACT, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU THINK THAT JUT BECAUSE I’M GOD YOU’RE ENTITLED TO MY LOVE AND COMPASSION! WELL I DIDN’T CREATE THE UNIVERSE AND ALL ITS CREATURES WITH HANDOUTS FROM SOME SORT OF PRIMATIVE DEITY! I GOT UP ONE DAY AND DID IT MYSELF, WITH NO ENTITLEMENTS!”
“Yes, I know, Lord, but…”
“BUT? BUT WHAT? YOU DISGUST ME LIMBAUGH! DON’T YOU REALIZE THAT RIGHT NOW, WHILE YOU ARE DISABLED IN THE HOSPITAL, OPERATION SAPPHIRE HAS MOVED INTO HIGH GEAR?”
“I don’t know what…”
“OF COURSE YOU DON’T, BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO BUSY FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND WAITING FOR HOLY WELFARE! IF YOU WERE STRONGER, YOU’D KNOW THAT OPERATION SAPPHIRE IS THE FINAL STEP IN HILLARY CLINTON’S QUEST FOR NATIONAL DOMINATION!”
“No!”
“YES! NOW THAT YOU HAVE FALLEN, HER ARMY OF BABY-KILLING LESBIANS IS TAKING OVER THE COUNTRY, THROUGH THEIR THOUGHT MONITORING DEVICES! IN FACT, THEY MAY EVEN BE MONITORING YOUR THOUGHTS RIGHT NOW!”
“No!”
“SOON AMERICA WILL BECOME A LAND OF DEMOCRATIC IDEALISM, ONE WITH A REGULATED ECONOMY, SENSIBLE TAXES, REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS, AND HOMOSEXUAL EQUALITY!”
“Nooooo!”
“ENOUGH OF YOUR WHINING! NO GET UP OUT OF THAT BED AND TELL THE FAITHFUL THAT THE LIBERALS ARE COMING!”
And with that, Jesus left. So I began plotting my escape. The next morning, when the nurse came with my meal, I smothered her with a pillow and borrowed her candy-striper uniform, and made my way out of the institution as Ms. Juanita Rodriguez. Once I had escaped from my jailers, I made my way to the EIB studios in New York. But when I got there, I soon found out that Clinton’s plan for national domination was ahead of schedule. Upon my arrival in the building, people gave me odd looks, whispered amongst themselves, and pointed. They were on to me! I quickly overtook the security guard and took his service revolver, which I turned on anyone who tried to stop me. Many a friend of mine perished that day, as did my producer and my boss at EIB. After attaining more bullets and a ham sandwich, I decided that I needed to get to a safe location, one where the liberals wouldn’t be able to find me. And so I stole a police cruiser and made the long, lonely journey to Palm Beach.
I arrived home to find my wife gone for milk. The help was there, and after a couple of pistol whips they agreed not to alert the authorities. But I was onto them! I knew that Spanglish they were whispering to each other was liberal code. So I did what any rational conservative would do. I hog-tied them and locked them in the basement.
Then I locked the house down. I set the security system, lowered the storm shades, and cut the phone lines. Using a crystal radio and a microphone made from a can of Ensure I created a studio in one of the servant’s rooms. The liberals will never find me here! Besides, I know for a fact that they can’t read my thoughts as long as I keep my tinfoil hat on.
And so here I am, loyal Dittoheads. Old El Rushbo is here, still telling you the truth. Grab the guns, grab the kids, and make for your bomb shelters. This is the big one!
The police are surrounding the house as I speak. I won’t be able to survive much longer! Take all of your money out of the bank and buy ammo! We’re at war! Quickly! They’ve breached the interior walls and are making their way to the studio! Jesus wants you to confirm Priscilla Owen and Janice Rogers Brown! He told me! Oh no, here they come! Goodbye America! Don’t let the Democratic plan of inexpensive healthcare, free prescription drugs, moderate taxes, a balanced budget, civil and reproductive rights, environmental cleanup, and a sensible and magnanimous foreign policy deter you from advancing the ideas of evil!
END TRANSMISSION
Rush Limbaugh will be on vacation indefinitely.
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I get the urge to be creative at the oddest times.:D
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