I just got an invitation to my husband's cousin's baby shower.

[rbnyc]

We had the same due date.

I don't know what to do. Not just about the shower. I don't know what to do with my anger. I don't know what to do with my grief.

I know I'm not alone. It's happened to so many women, so many families. I've talked about it and talked about it. I've written. I've cried. I've screamed. I've meditated. I've gotten such great support over and over again from you and my husband and family and friends. But I'm just not getting over it.

The card that came with my invitation was very sweet and understanding. It was from Cliff's aunt, who's been like my aunt since the first time Cliff ever brought me home. She said that she didn't want me to feel obligated but she didn't want me to feel left out. She really does understand. She shared her experiences with me and helped me a lot when I lost the baby. No matter what I decide everyone will be supportive.

But I feel like I have some kind of disease. I feel handicapped. And I feel like there's just nothing I can do with my feelings because if I really try to express them, if I really open the door on them it will lead to some kind of violence. They're just too much. Only the most extreme behavior could really express them. I'm afraid. And I'm just trying to stay functional.

And I'm really honestly way too busy for therapy. I have something written on every single day in my date book til the middle of January.

I'm just going to wait it out.

I don't think I should go to the shower.

Thanks you guys. You're really generous.

EDIT: typo

[GOPisEvil]

1. I think I'd avoid the shower as well.

I think those nerves are still too raw.

:hug:

[rbnyc]

6. That's exactly it.

Way too raw. That invitation may as well have been a letter bomb.

:hug:

[commander bunnypants]

ouch

hang in there and do what is best for you..

:hugs:

DDQM

[rbnyc]

8. *hugs*

I think it's just too soon. I'm way too emotional. The day should be about her, and there's just no way I could be there without it being about me, not yet.

[proud patriot]

2. Take the time you need

Not one person who loves you would begrudge you
your anger and feelings about your loss .

If they do you can send them my direction .

I love ya and if you ever need to vent feel
to vent all over me , I would be honored to
take it .

:loveya:

[rbnyc]

5. Thanks babe.

I know that everyone will understand. It's just, I wanted to be special because I was having a baby, not because I lost a baby. I was robbed. I was violated. I feel like a helpless object.

I love you, too.

[latebloomer]

3. You just take care of yourself

Don't force yourself to do anything that feels upsetting. Grief does not proceed according to any timetable. This pain is still very new and fresh.

Love, light and healing to you, Rene!

lb

[rbnyc]

11. Thanks lb.

I wouldn't expect anyone else's grief to adhere to a timetable. So, I should let myself off the hook, too.

[THUNDER HANDS]

4. don't go if you don't feel like it

But do send a gift and a note.

[rbnyc]

12. Yes.

Good call. I'll probably call her and her mom, too.

[GinaMaria]

7. I'm so sorry

Our culture just doesn't do much in terms of grieving in these situations. In my experience no one wants to talk about it. It makes it confusing. No one knows what to say. Everyone says pretty much the wrong thing or they say nothing.

And I'm really honestly way too busy for therapy.

I would encourage you to find something. Would you be able to make time for a group of people who have been through the same thing? A support group can be a huge help. It's different from therapy. It's more self help oriented. They usually only last for 6 to 8 weeks and meet for an hour or two each week. It seems like this needs more attention than you are giving it. It's hurting you. Again as a society we don't really deal with miscarriages and the grief process.

The holidays are coming and there will be enough stress to go around. Make some special time for yourself no matter how busy you are. Make time to take care of yourself and nurture yourself through this. If that time is spent in therapy, a self help group, reading, meditating, getting a massage, or whatever you need, just do it.

[rbnyc]

14. That's not a bad idea. (support group.)

If it were an hour or so a week, in the evening, I could probably swing it.

Thanks.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

9. Here's a hug for you ((((((((((HUG))))))))))))

And given everything you have been through, it's no shock that some of the emotion is rage and anger. Your own injuries were a violence done to your body and they certainly interrupted the course of your life.

Since you comment on the violence and rage, may I suggest getting a baseball bat and some inanimate object that represents all your thwarted intentions and beating the living hell out of it until you cannot beat anymore?

It gives you a chance to express the rage in a way that gets it out of you without causing any harm elsewhere.
Is your arm healed enough to do that?

[rbnyc]

15. OMG!

I wonder if I could go to a junkyard and trash a car! I'd love to totally destroy a car.

I'd wear goggles.

:hugs:

Thanks NSMA

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

20. Call them up and explain why you want to do it

Call a small junkyard and telll the guy you would be willing to sign a waiver for any harm that might befall you...the main thing they would be concerned with is liability.

I'll bet you a buck one of them will let you. Call me if you wish and I will set you up for how to go about it if you do (in order to maximize the healing and clearing it can be to do this..I actually learned it after witnessing murder of my best friend a couple decades ago)

[VelmaD]

21. That is a great idea...

for working out your rage. I do something similar with the heavy bag at the gym and the face of whoever has me most pissed off that day. Beating something until you're physically exhausted can be emotionally and spiritually cathartic.

I'm sorry for your loss rbnyc. :hug: Take good care of yourself.

[soleft]

10. What Proud Patriot Said, and check your box

:hug:

[geniph]

13. You lost your child, Rene

you need to mourn the same way you would if it had been SIDS. You need a ceremony to say goodbye. You need time for grieving.

I'd stay away from showers until a little more time has passed. The wound is still too raw.

For some reason, people don't understand that the loss of a wanted pregnancy is the death of a child to the parents. It can be devastating.

Peace and strength to you, Rene.

[rbnyc]

16. Thanks geniph.

People around me do understand, so I'm lucky. But sometimes that makes me feel like I should get better faster. I put too much pressure on myself, I think.

[rbnyc]

17. I'm going to fold my laundry, now.

Thanks again for talking to me everytime something like this happens. My impulse when I'm upset and no one is home is to talk it out in the Lounge, so thanks for being here.

[commander bunnypants]

18. one big DU group hug for rbnyc

Good night all.


DDQM

[tnlefty]

19. I responded to one of your threads before when I first learned what had

happened to you. All the advice that I can offer to you is not to deny your feelings. I used to take a ball bat and go outside and hit things (dead things) really hard. I cried, I raged. I used to get furious when I would see a pregnant woman drinking or smoking and I wanted to scream at them. Didn't they understand that even when you don't do those risky things shit can still go wrong and bad things can happen?

Some of my relatives were the worst. I don't think that as a society we understand or tolerate the grief process very well and people want you to hurry up, get on with it and feel better. And you feel stuck. My spouse didn't deal with it very well and it still bothers him (12 yrs. later) more at times than it does me, because I had to deal with it while it was happening. I had a post-partem(sp?) body and no baby and I couldn't just leave my body and it was a daily process for me. I understood that I had an 18 month old to care for and he deserved better than a wreck for a mother so the worst tearful moments, etc. I tried to work around his naps when I could.

Give yourself some time and try to understand that this is a normal process that you go through. It's not that you want to be miserable - I actually had someone say that to me - but that you're not going to get better until you work through the grief and get better. Somehow I knew that in time the dark days would become better and that more than anything if I ever did decide to try pregnancy again I didn't want a lot of those feelings unresolved and carried into another pregnancy.

Try to take care of yourself. There will be moments when you think your heart is being ripped apart and people around you don't understand. It took a while before I could be around people who were also due around the same time, or to go see someone's baby in the hospital or at home.

Be patient with yourself.

[Missy Vixen]

22. Thinking of you

>I don't think I should go to the shower.<

This is a good decision. Your husband's cousin will understand.

I want to second the person that mentioned group therapy. I went to a group for several months once a week after my mom died. Even though I'd cry right along with everyone else, it was actually the permission to cry that helped me heal.

Everyone's experience was different, but we were all there for the same reason.

I realize that this kind of grief is impossible to understand unless one has gone through it. I hope that the thoughts of those on the thread and other DU'ers at large help in some small measure. I am so, so sorry for the loss of your baby.

Julie

p.s. A social worker at the hospital told me that it takes five years to mourn a death in one's immediate family. Everyone thinks it's over the minute the funeral's over, or whenever things go back to "normal".

[kimchi]

23. I certainly don't blame you for not wanting to go.

And your relatives won't either.

Take care of YOU.