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...and shot it back to the guy who sent it to me. I still can't believe he'd send me this goddamned thing!
> I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
Bad American, no imperialism!
> I like big cars,
To make up for my small cock.
> big tits,
To make up for my mother having spent more time getting drunk and fucking strange men than she did on raising me.
> and big cigars.
See the "small cock" remark above.
> I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad combover who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
If, however, the Big Bad Gummint wants to hand out $3 in subsidies to wealthy corporations like G.E. and Lockheed-Martin for every $1 it gives out in social welfare, that's just fine with me!
> I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, dammit.
Because if I were in touch with my feelings, I'd realize that I'm an ignorant, mean-spirited fuckwad that nobody with a triple-digit I.Q. wants a thing to do with.
> I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T, or Marilyn Manson sang.
My god, we actually agree on something! Will wonders never cease?
> I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.
I also think that keeping your gun where your tormented, ostracized 14-year-old can find it, bring it to school, and blow his tormenters away doesn't make you a killer either.
> I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I believe Matthew Shepard was tied to a fence and beaten to death for the same reason.
> I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I do, however, think being a white male makes you victimized. After all, how much opportunity for advancement have white males ever had in America?
> I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.
Hell, I can't even spell it!
> I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.
And I don't give a flying fuck that it takes 400 gallons of water to produce enough meat for just one Big Mac. What's it to me if a bunch of niggers in Africa die of thirst because of my fat, greedy ass?
> I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
Congratulations, Mr. Six-Pack! That's the second point of yours with which I can agree.
> I think Oprah is a big fat pig.
I think Rush Limbaugh is a lying, manipulative corporate whore.
> I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I also think they should be legal for the next two weeks after 4th of July so I can come home drunk at 3:00 in the morning and set 'em off in the backyard. And if my neighbors don't like it, fuck 'em!
> I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In
fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of senior high school, you haven't begun to be enlightened.
And of course, everyone that's ever been to college is a pansy-ass who thinks he knows everything. That's why I'm so fuckin' proud of my ignorance, goddammit!
> I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package.
Agreement #3.
> I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.
Considering how insecure I am about my manhood, I certainly don't want some out-of-the-closet fairy coming along and making me feel even less like a “real man.”
> Hillary Clinton is a carpet-munching lesbian.
Hillary-bashers are frightened little boys whose brains stopped maturing about the time they got their first hard-on.
> My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman.
My heroes are Noam Chomsky, Howard Zinn, Ralph Nader, Mahatma Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Mother Jones, and whoever cancelled Rush Limbaugh's TV show. And if you had a fucking brain in your head, you’d realize that "The Simpsons" rakes jerk-offs like you over the coals!
> I don't hate the rich.
Even if they pay less in taxes than I do.
> I don't pity the poor.
Even if 20 million of them are children under the age of five.
> I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.
I have more important things to argue about, like flag-burning and who's gonna win on "The Next Joe Millionaire."
> I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?
Of course global warming is a lie! That's why the Worldwatch Institute reports that Arctic sea ice has thinned by 40% in less than 30 years.
> I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut the fuck up already.
I've never burned the American flag, sucked another man's cock, owned a foreign car, called someone a murderer for eating meat, or claimed that communism was good and neither have you, so shut the fuck up already.
> I want to know which church is it exactly where the Rev. Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money? And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution?
You could have asked the same thing about white reverends like Jerry Falwell, Donald Wildmon, and Pat Robertson. But I notice you didn't.
> I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.
Especially if you're not white and you're carrying something that resembles a gun, like a wallet or a Three Musketeers bar.
> I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
Furthermore, the cops have the right to kick your door in, frighten your wife and kids, confiscate your property, and throw you in jail without actually charging you with a crime—all because they suspect you might be a drug dealer.
> I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
In fact, why vote at all? The Supreme Court will do it for you!
> I worry about dying before I get even.
That's too stupid to even warrant a reply.
> I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These people should be targets.
Got news for you, Brainiac: those people *are* targets! Ever heard of Seattle or Quebec City, or Genoa?
I still can't believe that a person who has been a net pal of mine since 1998 would send me such a vile piece of garbage!
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