You Might Be A _______ if........ (joke)

[Indiana_Dem]

You might be a conservative if:



You watch the Rush Limbaugh show the same way your kid watches "Barney and Friends"


You believe an adulterer who served his wife divorce papers while she was in the hospital and later had to be taken to court for lack of child support payments named Newt when he talks about how he's for "Family Values"


You complain about the "liberal media" on any of the numerous conservative political TV/radio talk shows.


You have a bumper sticker that says "Insured by Smith and Wessen"


You believe the hole in the ozone layer to be a myth created by crazy liberals.


You believe the Holocaust to be a myth created by crazy liberals.


You fervently speak about the evils of marijuana at social gatherings with a vodka straight in hand.


You believe the Constitution states the Christianity is our official religion.


You molest campaign workers, then lie about it on national television... oops, my mistake... that's "You might be Newt Gingrinch if.."


You think the words feminist and lesbian are synonyms.


If you fit any of Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck if..."


You believe every man, woman, child and fetus should be armed to the teeth with AK-47's, hand grenades, handguns, and any other weapon imaginable.


You actually believe that people actually own AK-47's for "hunting purposes"


You have faith in idiotic economic policies such as "trickle down economics"


You don't see why everyone's so down on Mark Fuhrman.


You think that Michaelangelo's David should be wearing boxers at the least.


The hostess at the Sizzler knows you by name.


You have a button that says "I'm not prejudice, I hate everyone"


You can ask your daddy to bail you out when you lose hundreds of thousands of dollars from embezzling S&L's


Your main source for news is an egocentric man named Rush who distorts facts consistantly to fit his views and opinions.


You want to find another out-of-work actor to play the figurehead for the Republican party (perhaps Bonzo's free)


Your response to anything Bill Clinton says includes a reference to Arkansas hillbillies.


You still attempt to defend Dan Quayle's intelligence.


You get offended if someone is unusually quiet on the way to a funeral... oops, sorry, my fault again... thats another "You might be Newt Gingrinch..."


You refuse to talk to your sister because she's a lesbian... dangit, sorry...once again, another "You might be Newt..."


You obsessively impose your own morality upon others.


You wish to ammend the Constitution to make desecration of the flag illegal.


You wish to rewrite the first ammendment to make desecration of the flag illegal.


You wish to rewrite the first commandment to make desecration of the flag illegal (and here, you thought you were such a good Christian...)


You believe that if parents and teachers don't mention sex to a child until s/he is 25, then s/he won't even know it exists until then.


You think Clarence Thomas is a good spokesman for the black community.


You must first don rubber gloves before shaking hands with a homosexual.


You attribute the lack of close families to Murphy Brown.


You helped to ban Beavis from saying "fire", yet keep a loaded handgun in the house (doesn't matter if it's hidden.. your kid knows where it is, trust me.)


You have a sticker saying "Guns don't kill people, people do" (and I suppose those little bullet things are harmless too)


You believe that everyone else should hold the same moralistic and political views as you, and by God, you're going to see to it that they do!

If you believe the government should stay out of the church’s business, then believe in faith based initiatives, you might be a Republican.
If you believe Saddam Hussein needs to be bombed, but that Mubarak and Musharif need American aid, and China needs most favored nation trading status, you might be a Republican.

If you believe Machiavelli was right, you might be a Republican.

If you believe that the government is violating our rights, then support the Patriot Act, you might be a Republican.

If you believe that deficits are bad, but pass tax cuts without corresponding program reductions, you might be a Republican.

If you believe that we are fighting this war to defend American values, then want to hang all the war protesters, you might be a Republican.

If you believe in the right to keep and bear arms, but want to destroy Iraq and North Korea for the weapons that they possess, you might be a Republican.

If you think mentioning Buddha or Mohammed in schools violates the separation of church and state, but want the kids to keep pledging allegiance to a nation “under God”, you might be a Republican.

If you do not believe in a “vast, right wing conspiracy,” but DO believe in a “vast left wing conspiracy”, you might be a Republican.

If you believe that television news is biased and left wing, but believe that Rush Limbaugh and Micheal Savage are fair and balanced, you might be a Republican.

If you believe Donald Rumsfeld is sane, you might be a Republican.

If you believe that Clinton was immoral because of his affair with the office staff, but believe Eisenhower was a great man despite his affair with his secretary, you might be a Republican.

If you think it was unfair that Lincoln got shot, but great that Kennedy got shot, you might be a Republican.

If you STILL think it is all Clinton’s fault, you might be a Republican.

If you believe that John Ashcroft is really interested in justice, you might be a Republican.

If you believe Texans riding around in armed pickup trucks are just expressing their freedoms, but Afghans riding around in armed pickup trucks are a grave threat to America’s freedom, you might be a Republican. AND a redneck.

If you believe anything coming out of Paul Wolfowitz’s mouth, you are seriously deluded, plus maybe a republican.

If you believe that Bush prefers war to diplomacy because it is easier to spell, you are almost as cynical as me.

If you believe that anyone who can see through the steaming fetid pile of bovine excrement that passes for GOP rhetoric is a liberal, you might be a Republican.

If you believe it is worth destroying a 225 year old alliance with France just to smash a petty two-bit tyrant, you might be a republican.


You Might Be a Republican if:
You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of b*tches."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."........(THEY GOT YOU PEGGED ON THAT ONE LARRY)

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates..."

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
:crazy:

[Exultant Democracy]

1. kick

[Mike Niendorff]

2. ...

You might be a Republican if ...


... you oppose banning assault weapons, but support banning books, music and movies.

... you don't trust the government to properly calculate your tax bill, but you want to give it the power to seize you, imprison you indefinitely without charge, deny you access to legal counsel, try you before a government military commission and then execute you in secret.

... you deny the existence of oppressive poverty in the United States because you once saw a homeless man buy a $3 pack of cigarettes, but you perpetually complain about oppressive taxation while you drive around in your $40,000 Lexus.

... you say the tax code should promote "work first", but 99% of your effort goes into repealing taxes on income from investment and inheritance.

... you oppose college admission preferences for children of minorities, but you support college admission preferences for children of alumni.

... you believe David Koresh and Randy Weaver were "victims of an evil and oppressive government", but that Rodney King, Amadou Diallo, Abmer Louima and all the people who died in the MOVE fire "had it coming".

... you are furious that Roy Moore's "Ten Commandments" monument is no longer on display, but it doesn't bother you at all that John Ashcroft ordered drapes placed over statues of "Justice" and "The Majesty of the Law".

... you are furious that American jobs are being outsourced to cheap-labor countries with no environmental or human rights standards, but you oppose adding any such standards to international "free trade" agreements.

... you believe that religious freedom is the cornerstone of the American Dream, but that all Muslims should be rounded up and deported.


MDN

[Wolfman 11]

3. I object...

I am by most counts a thorough redneck according to Jeff Foxworthy, and yet I abhor the Republican Party and everything it stands for today. There is a middle ground. (albeit very narrow and shaky).